To ask you to cheer me up with your favourite laugh-out-loud quotation from a book, play or film?

[SybilRamkin]

I've just partially cheered myself up with the some P. G. Wodehouse:

?She fitted into my biggest arm-chair as if it had been built round her by someone who knew they were wearing arm-chairs tight about the hips that season? ~ Carry On, Jeeves

And also this gem from Oscar Wilde:

"I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try and acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a definite effort to produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, before the season is quite over" ~ The Importance of Being Earnest

Spinal Tap when they are explaining the high casualty rate amongst their drummers:

Marty: Your first drummer was uh....
Nigel: The peeper....
David: Joe stumpy Pepys...great great...uh...tall blond geek...
with glasses uh...
Nigel: Uh.. good drummer.
David: Great look, good drummer.
Nigel: Good, good drummer....
David Fine drummer....
Marty: What happened to him?
David: He died, he, he died in a bizarre gardening accident some years back.
Nigel: It was really one of those things...it was...you know...the
authorities said...you know...well best leave it unsolved,
really...you know.
Marty: And he was replaced by...uh....
David: Stumpy Joe - Eric Stumpy Joe Childs.
Marty: What happened to Stumpy Joe?
Derek: Well, uh, it's not a very pleasant story...but, uh, he died...
uh...he choked on...the ac- the official explanation was he
choked on vomit.
David: He passed away.
Nigel: It was actually, was actually someone else's vomit. It's not....
David: It's ugly.
Nigel: You know. There's no real....
Derek: You know they can't prove whose vomit it was...they don't
have the facilities at Scotland Yard....
David: You can't print, there's no way to print a spectra-photograph...
Nigel: You can't really dust for vomit.

The lord says I am going to be fine but you are fucked

Steven to william wallace in braveheart

He is not the Messiha he is a .....

If you haven't seen this before, I'm not advocating Nazism. Two Broadway producers work out that they can make more money out of a colossal flop than a hit musical music and set out to make the worst taste musical they can think of to ensure it flops.

Elwood: "It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark...and we're wearing sunglasses"

Jake: "Hit it"

The Blues Brothers

Most of life of Brian.....

Not so much of the myrrh next time

Have never been bravoed before. Thank you LadyRabbit! Like many good links, those reviews came into my life from a previous thread on mumsnet.

Incidentally the same reviewers of mr ross's canvas have indeed viewed and reviewed the "customers who viewed this also viewed..." items beneath the canvas...

She's a witch! She's a witch! She turned me into a newt! (silence as crowd peruse obviously normal looking man)....Well, I got better

DH and I are currently watching Ghostbusters, which has to be one of my favourite ever films in terms of quotable lines...

"I think we should split up."
"Good idea: we can do more damage that way."

He's an academic, I was an academic then moved on... I have used the "You don't know what it's like: you've never been out of the university. I've worked in the private sector: they expect results" (in a disgusted tone)

My favourite Simpsons one:

Homer: "Bring me your most expensive dish, stuffed with your second most expensive one"
Waiter: "Excellent, sir: lobster stuffed with nachos"

Too much Wodehouse and Withnail and I to relate....

Oh, and if we're doing Amazon reviews, I love the Wenlock Olympic Mascot ones, especially this "This is an excellent product. I bought it for my son, Holman. He loved it. I know this because I said to him: "Do you love Wenlock?" And he said: "Yes father.""

Father Ted and Dougal in the caravan.

'These cows are small, the ones out there are far away. Small...... far away'.

Hot Fuzz 2007

You wanna be a big cop in a small town? Fuck off up the model village

"I'm older and I have more insurance"..... Fried Green Tomatoes At The Whistle Stop Cafe (favourite film ever!)

"If you can dodge a wrench you can dodge a ball......"........Dodgeballs

ChristheSheep -yay! I nearly put in a Ghostbusters one. Mine are probably:

"Cats and dogs, living together, MASS HYSTERIA!"
"Listen [tinkly piano] - you smell something?"
"They hate this.... I like to torture 'em... OK boys! It's Dr VENKman!"

It is one of the cornerstones of my best friend and my quite language, Splash being another.

"So you're just a harmless beachcomber who just happens to wear A TUXEDO?!!!"

quote language

Boat is boat, fuck is fuck
Costas talking Shirley into joining him on 'brother boat'
From Shirley Valentine

?In the church is a memorial to Mrs. Sarah Hill, who bequeathed 1 pound annually, to be divided at Easter, between two boys and two girls who "have never been undutiful to their parents; who have never been known to swear or to tell untruths, to steal, or to break windows." Fancy giving up all that for five shillings a year! It is not worth it!?
― Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men in a Boat

It's probably too visual to work here, but I'll give it a go...

bob Kelso(from scrubs) what has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap?
Whoever: dunno
Bob Kelso: (points at self with thumbs) BOB KELSO

Repeated in my house quite a lot.

From Clue, a film from years ago with Tim Curry and Christopher Lloyd based on Cluedo

"He was deranged, he was a lunatic! He didnt actually seem to like me very much. He threatened to kill me in public"
"Why would he want to kill you in public?"
"She means he threatened, in public, to kill her"
".....oh...."

"Your husband is a real gentleman, I bet he takes the dishes out of the sink before he pees in it"

Ouisa, Steel Magnolias

I ain't crazy M'lynn I've just been in a very bad mood for forty years

Same character, brilliant one liners

Oscar Wilde when being stopped at customs, "I have nothing to declare but my genius"

"We want the finest wines available to humanity. We want them here, and we want them now!"

best in Friends was Joey's line after he wouldn't share his food but still wanted a bit of his date's chocolate cake.
she left to take a phone call and made him promise to stay away from cake.

you know he'll take a bite, but you are not prepared for his face covered in chocolate, looking like a toddler, cake gone. he's just so satisfied, but what's his excuse?

nothing.

he grins and says: "I'm not even sorry! "

terra Scrubs and Friends are just champions in having great lines.

no matter how many times you watch them you just have to laugh!

I mean things like "blaxican" or "please don't call your child Pheobo" just priceless!