To ask you to cheer me up with your favourite laugh-out-loud quotation from a book, play or film?

[SybilRamkin]

I've just partially cheered myself up with the some P. G. Wodehouse:

?She fitted into my biggest arm-chair as if it had been built round her by someone who knew they were wearing arm-chairs tight about the hips that season? ~ Carry On, Jeeves

And also this gem from Oscar Wilde:

"I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try and acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a definite effort to produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, before the season is quite over" ~ The Importance of Being Earnest

Don't make me sick in my own scorn!

wonderingsoul..............just hilarious!

"Aunt calling to aunt across the primeval swamp" - Wodehouse

'These cows are small, the ones out there are far away. Small...... far away'.

also Down with that sort of thing , father ted and dougal protesting at a cinema

decaffwithcream - superb!

" I was born in 1939. The other big event of that year was the outbreak of the Second World War"

"The problem with Captain Marvel, Captain Marvel Jr, Batman and the rest of the duel identity squad was that no one thought much of them when they were in mufti. Louis Lane practically wore her lip out sneering at Clark Kent while the poor drongo stood there and took it. Billy Batson was always getting his crutch kicked. Bruce Wayne was derided as a playboy. None of that would happen to me. Discreetly informing people one by one, I made sure everybody in the district knew that when dusk descended it was I, and nobody else, who became the Flash of Lightning"

Unreliable Memoirs by Clive James

very funny book

Tom cruise in cocktail. The scenario is that a girl has passed out on the beach and he goes to see what's wrong. friend of girl: "she's been drinking champagne" Tom cruise (nods knowingly and assumes sudden stance of doctor) "champagne. Perfume going in, sewerage coming out". What a stupid line, makes me laugh every time! I love that movie.

Any review on Amazon by Dr M von Vogelhausen. Genius!

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/cdp/member-reviews/A3B2IL2CP9GW2C/ref=cm_pdp_rev_all?ie=UTF8&sort_by=MostRecentReview

I have that book next to me Freudians :o I love the passage about his grandfather choking at Christmas dinner, letting out a strangled gurgle "which we all took to be the beginning of some protracted anecdote". One of my favourite books- I'm trying to get book phobic DH to read it.

I love the Simpson's so here are two that immediately come to mind.

Homer sees a trampoline free in newspaper:
Homer: Oh my God!
Lisa: What is it?
Homer: Tramapoline! Trampopoline!
Bart: He said what now?
Marge: Please, don't bring home any more crutches!

Also when he swallows a plastic bride and groom from the top of a wedding cake:
Homer: Mmmmmm pointy

"DON'T eat muffins while I'm developing you!"
From Black Books

Lord Nelson's got a vote.

No, Baldrick, he's got a BOAT.

I love Blackadder the Third;)

Lord Flashheart to young Bob, on the Votes for Women question:

She can tie herself to my railings and suffer a jet movement any day. Woof!

Ooo, Bogeyface, I love "clue". So many great lines! I started a thread about it a while ago.

Feralstreep that's it, that's perfection Very glad to see so much Wodehouse on here.

Very good,' it said, 'I'll just nip off and shoot myself.'
He turned and gave a friendly wink to Arthur. 'Don't worry, sir,' he said, 'I'll be very humane.' (Douglas Adams)

'Plato would have jumped out of his sandals at the thought of any human being looking like Arnold, i.e. like a brown condom full of walnuts'. (Clive James)

'God! those rhododendron buds had a phallic, urgent look!' (Stella Gibbons)

'If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation.' ('Jean Kerr')

Wow Hermione! I thought I was the only person in the whole world who loved that film!

I got bought 3 DVDS of it one birthday, I didnt realised I had moaned to so many people when my VHS copy got eaten by the player :o

"How many husbands have you had?"

"Mine or other womens? Five"

"Five?!"

"Yes just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable"

I love Mrs White, and I tried to persuade the company director in my Am Dram days to do it just so I could play Mrs White, or possibly Miss Scarlet just for the bullet counting scene :o

You know how I know you're gay - from 40 year old Virgin

Makes me laugh everytime

Mr. Green: I have something to say. I'm not going to wait for Wadsworth here to unmask me. I work for the State Department, and I'm a homosexual. I feel no personal shame or guilt about this, but I must keep it a secret, or I will lose my job on security grounds........... Thank you.

.............

Yvette: But it is dark upstairs and I am frightened of the dark. Will anyone go with me?

Professor Plum: I will!

Colonel Mustard: I will!

Mr. Green: No, thank you.

Bruce Almighty....

"Smite me Oh mighty smiter..."

"I have no bird, I have no bush....."

"run along home little butt-monkey...." soooooooo funny!!!!

'So it was with some dismay that I discovered that the seat behind me was occupied by Vodaphone Man. These people are getting to be a real nuisance, aren't they? This one was particularly irritating because his voice was loud and self-satisfied and littered with moronspeak, and his calls were so clearly pointless:

'Hello, Clive here. I'm on the 10.07 and should be at HQ by 1300 hours as expected. I'm going to need a rush debrief on the Pentland Squire scenario. What say? No, I'm out of the loop on Maris Pipers. Listen, can you think of any reason why anyone would employ a total anus like me? What's that? Because I'm the sort of person who's happy as a pig in shit just because he's got a mobile phone? Hey, interesting concept.' Then a few moments of silence and: 'Hello, love. I'm on the 10.07. Should be home by five. Yes, just like every other night. No reason to tell you at all except that I've got this phone and I'm a complete fuckwit. I'll call again from Doncaster for no reason.' Then: 'Clive here. Yeah, I'm still on the 10.07 but we had a points failure at Grantham, so I'm looking now at an ETA of 13.02 rather than the forecast 1300 hours. If Phil calls, will you tell him that I'm still a complete fuckwit? Brill.' And so it went all morning.'

'Because time was getting on, I decided to take a shortcut through the hilly woods, but I neglected to note that I was at the uppermost of a very tight band of contour lines. In consequence, I found myself a moment later descending a more or less perpendicular hill in an entirely involuntary fashion, bounding through the woods with great leaps and outflung arms in a manner oddly reminiscent of George Chakiris in West Side Story, except of course that this was Wales and George Chakiris didn't shit himself with terror, before eventually, after several bouncing somersaults and an epochal eighty-yard slide on my stomach, ending up on the very lip of a giddy precipice, with a goggle-eyed view of the glittery Wye a hundred feet below.'

And almost anything else Bill Bryson has ever written. Never fails to make me

Bill Bryson is a fave here too. I have cried with laughter at some of his lines. Two particular faves (& I paraphrase as I can't be arsed to go get the book)...

'She looked at me as if I had just done a poo in her handbag.'

And 'A coach load of elderly ladies barged in front of me. Never mind, you'll be dead soon I thought'