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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dm's Birthday meal

45 replies

b584 · 14/06/2013 16:29

I prob am being unreasonable but can't help feeling abit miffed about this.

It is my dm's birthday on sunday, she is going to be 70, myself and my 3 siblings have been saying for the last couple of years that we would like to do something nice for this occasion and as we don't all get together very often it was decided a few months ago that we would all take her out for a nice meal, We havn't all been together at the same time [except for the wedding and then funeral of my ds's husband] since we were kids,

Anyway it was decided and arranged that us four siblings would take dm out, No partners or spouses, Since it is also Fathers day D stepdad is coming as he has been a big part of our lives for over 20 years and We all love him like a father, We would have included him anyway but with it being Fathers day also it was also a chance to show him how much we care for him.

We all have long term partners but only my brother is still married , He told my dm about 6 months ago that my sis in law is off work with depression, He still agreed to this meal and has booked the night off work so that he can come,

Really been looking forward to this meal, Cannot remember [ apart from said wedding and funeral] when we were all in the same place at the same time, obviously partners ect were at these occasions.

Anyways the meal is tommorow night as Dm and stepdad already have plans for sunday as it's fathers day and his kids want to take them out,

Last night I received a text from one of my ds's saying my db wanted to bring my sis in law as he didn't want to leave her out and alone at home, If he hadn't been coming himself then he would have been working anyway so one of their 3 adult children would have been there with her.

I do feel a bit pee'd off by this as it was agreed that it was just going to be us four kids, dm and d stepdad,

Aibu to feel this way?

OP posts:
pictish · 14/06/2013 16:33

I think yab a little u.
Why be so rigid?

exoticfruits · 14/06/2013 16:36

YANBU to feel like that, but I think you just have to let it go and not spoil it all with bad feeling.

pictish · 14/06/2013 16:42

Yes...if he wants to bring his wife that's up to him. It's his mother too, so I guess it's his call, even if it doesn't tally with your vision.
It would be a shame to bring bad feeling onto a happy occasion for the sake of getting your own way.

Original poster
b584 · 14/06/2013 16:43

I think it's because where do you draw the line ie partners, grandchildren, None of us live close and Myself and my siblings are all in our fourties and fifties, My dm isn't getting any younger and it may well be the last time chance we have to spend a few hours all together for a celebration.

I know I am prob being unreasonable but now the rest of us have to tell our partners that d sis in law is coming but they cant as the table has been booked for weeks, we booked a table for 6 as there was 5 of us so she can come as there is a spare seat but the others cant, IyswIm.

OP posts:
pictish · 14/06/2013 16:44

I'm sure your other halves will get over it. Wink

Original poster
b584 · 14/06/2013 16:44

I will not cause bad feeling but I do feel a miffed about it, I cannot help that.

OP posts:
pictish · 14/06/2013 16:45

Keep it to yourself, otherwise you're in danger of seeming a little bit controlling.

Original poster
b584 · 14/06/2013 17:26

That's the last thing I want so I guess I will just swallow it and enjoy the evening, I got it wrong about it being 5 of us as with d stepdad there will be 6, just spoke to d sis who booked the table and the restaurent are going to add another chair so d sis in law can come as no bigger tables available,

OP posts:
teenagetantrums · 14/06/2013 17:32

seems a bit odd to me that she would want to come knowing that it was only children not partners, wont she feel a bit awkward? but I would just ignore it and have a fab night with your mum and stepdad

Snoopytwist · 14/06/2013 17:33

I feel for you, but don't let it spoil your evening - your SIL will probably feel awkward as all hell anyway, being the only "non-family" IYSWIM, and she will feel much worse if you say something. Your DB may not have shared with you just how depressed she is - if he wants to bring her, I would trust that he is not doing it just because she fancies an evening out, there is likely to be more to it...

Snoopytwist · 14/06/2013 17:33

x-post with tantrums!

HollyBerryBush · 14/06/2013 17:35

Maybe SIL doesn't want to be alone?

I sort of find it odd, this time of year, warm weather, BBQs that one of you didn't organise a house party so everyone could come - that would be my way of thinking BUT I also understand that the siblings want alone time as their own nuclear family once was, with their mother.

However I think you are just going to have to suck up SIL, or risk DB not being there.

Pancakeflipper · 14/06/2013 17:40

Perhaps your DB would feel better and more relaxed if his wife was there with him. Perhaps the depression is worse than you all know?

Don't let it ruin your meal together. Turn it into a positive and let her be the audience you tell the funny family stories to ( that no doubt she has heard hundreds of time). Enjoy your family and show how gracious you all are. Hope the food is yummy.

NotYoMomma · 14/06/2013 17:41

She has depression

He is worried about her being left behind so asked to bring her

He still wants to come abd spend time with you all and his mother

coukd do her the world of good

YABU and I hope you or your dp never have to go through such worry and concern that depression can bring

Ashoething · 14/06/2013 17:48

I am a bit Hmm about the partners not being invited tbh. Its my mil 70th this year and she is having a meal with all the immediate family so dh,his db,me,sil and all the kids. I would not have been happy if dh had announced it was just him and his brother going out with mummy and daddy. Although Im sure if mil thought she could get away with it she would do exactly that!

Original poster
b584 · 14/06/2013 17:52

I understand that she is suffering from depression, and at the risk of being flamed I will say that I have never lived through that so do not fully understand the ins and outs of it but if he was supposed to be working anyway what is the difference as he wouldn't have been at home with her as he would have been at work and one of the 3 kids who all live at home would have been,

I will just suck it up cos I want him there as It may very well be the last time my dm has all her kids together at the same time but I can't help the way I feel, I feel it has been left till the last minute to put this on us whereas if db had said this a few weeks ago we could have changed the whole thing so all our partners could have been involved,

OP posts:
Mintyy · 14/06/2013 17:53

I also think its odd to do a family celebration like this without partners.

OvoLactoBaco · 14/06/2013 17:56

But if she's your DB's wife then she is family - I don't get why she should be excluded, it does seem quite unkind. I am imagining a thread from her POV, saying her DP was not inviting her to her MIL's birthday - I can imagine the response she would get...

Ashoething · 14/06/2013 17:59

Actually now that I think about it mil did in fact do this-when dh graduated! We had been together 4 years at that point and were engaged but I wasn't invited to the celebratory mealAngry
YABU op-have a bit of empathy for your sil.

Original poster
b584 · 14/06/2013 18:01

I do see what those of you saying its odd not to include everyone right from the start are saying but it seemed that we all wanted to spend the evening with our dm, She is spending her actual birthday day with d stepdads kids as it is also fathers day,

It was agreed that us four kids wanted to treat dm and d stepdad to a very nice meal, We don't often have the chance to spend time together and everyone seemed ok with that up untill now.

As I said upthread I will still enjoy and make the most of the evening, just think if there is a no partner rule then it should apply to all four of us or know early enough to be able to invite them all.

OP posts:
Ashoething · 14/06/2013 18:03

But you should have invited them all in the first place-can't you see that? Quite honestly I'm surprised no one questioned it before.

teenagetantrums · 14/06/2013 18:04

I get it, you want to spend time with your mum and immediate family as you never all get together, at least this way you will all get to talk, add in partners and kids there will be no time to talk, if this is what your mum wants that's fine, how does she feel about it?

Ashoething · 14/06/2013 18:07

Sil and any grandkids are immediate family though surely?Hmm I am not close at all to my sil but I still consider her family and wouldn't dream of leaving her out of any celebratory occasion!

Original poster
b584 · 14/06/2013 18:10

Why should we have invited them all in the first place?

Both myself and one of my sisters do not live with our partners although we have been with them for a long time,

We wanted to spend some quality time with our dm, laughing and chatting about the old days, this was agreed by all four of us. not just me,

OP posts:
Original poster
b584 · 14/06/2013 18:12

I spoke to dm today and told her sis in law is now coming and she was surprised,

OP posts:
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