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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dm's Birthday meal

45 replies

b584 · 14/06/2013 16:29

I prob am being unreasonable but can't help feeling abit miffed about this.

It is my dm's birthday on sunday, she is going to be 70, myself and my 3 siblings have been saying for the last couple of years that we would like to do something nice for this occasion and as we don't all get together very often it was decided a few months ago that we would all take her out for a nice meal, We havn't all been together at the same time [except for the wedding and then funeral of my ds's husband] since we were kids,

Anyway it was decided and arranged that us four siblings would take dm out, No partners or spouses, Since it is also Fathers day D stepdad is coming as he has been a big part of our lives for over 20 years and We all love him like a father, We would have included him anyway but with it being Fathers day also it was also a chance to show him how much we care for him.

We all have long term partners but only my brother is still married , He told my dm about 6 months ago that my sis in law is off work with depression, He still agreed to this meal and has booked the night off work so that he can come,

Really been looking forward to this meal, Cannot remember [ apart from said wedding and funeral] when we were all in the same place at the same time, obviously partners ect were at these occasions.

Anyways the meal is tommorow night as Dm and stepdad already have plans for sunday as it's fathers day and his kids want to take them out,

Last night I received a text from one of my ds's saying my db wanted to bring my sis in law as he didn't want to leave her out and alone at home, If he hadn't been coming himself then he would have been working anyway so one of their 3 adult children would have been there with her.

I do feel a bit pee'd off by this as it was agreed that it was just going to be us four kids, dm and d stepdad,

Aibu to feel this way?

OP posts:
Casmama · 14/06/2013 18:15

What sort of distances are you talking about? It seems very strange to me that you see each other that infrequently and I think you are being weird and controlling about it.

Original poster
b584 · 14/06/2013 18:16

I do consider sis in law family, she has been married to my db for almost 20 years, I also consider my kids and nieces and nephews family but there are about 15 of them, we wanted a small family meal not a party,

My kids do not feel left out, they understand that this was supposed to be something for my dm from her children,

I get that Iabu, I've already stated that, just can't help feeling its unfair,

OP posts:
RachmanenoughR · 14/06/2013 18:21

YANBU. I expect your other siblings feel the same.

pictish · 14/06/2013 18:22

It's no biggy. Let it drop. And don't attempt to get your mother on side, however slyly mildly. That's being controlling as well.

pictish · 14/06/2013 18:26

I should imagine the spouses of all the siblings, apart from sil, are pulling the aw-no-it's-fine-I-understand face while silently punching the air and mouthing 'thank fuck' to themselves. A night in front of the telly on my own! Result!! Grin

Original poster
b584 · 14/06/2013 18:28

I have no intention of trying to get dm on my side, she rang me today and mentioned that dsis is taking them and picking me up and that we will meet other dsis and dbro there, that is when I mentioned that dsis in law is coming to.

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 14/06/2013 18:31

"I also think its odd to do a family celebration like this without partners."

So do I. Both my auntie and MIL are very family orientated and neither would have enjoyed a milestone birthday with just their own immediate offspring. When my auntie had her 80th birthday she invited all children with their partners and children, plus nieces and partners. When MIL was 80 she did the same.

Dancergirl · 14/06/2013 18:35

"I also think its odd to do a family celebration like this without partners."

VERY odd. Did you actually ask her mum what SHE wanted and who she wanted to be there? Because it sounds like you're doing what you and your siblings want.

Snoopytwist · 14/06/2013 18:38

Op - I completely understand what you were trying to organise - we have done this a few times - gone out for a meal with just DM, Dsis, DB and me and I have to say it was great - really special and we all got to act like "kids with our mum" again! Nothing against all the other family members, but sometimes it's just nice Smile

However, on this one, the plans have been changed, you are rightly or wrongly miffed - but either way, you have to go along with it now. You can still have that "kids with mum" feel, as it won't be the entire family... Go, enjoy and have fun.

Bunbaker · 14/06/2013 18:39

I agree Dancergirl

When MIL was 80 SIL wanted to book an expensive hotel for her nd invite loads of people. MIL said she didn't want a big party and just wanted her family around her. We had an extended family high tea at SIL's house with everyone contributing a dish. MIL enjoyed herself immensely.

piratecat · 14/06/2013 18:39

surely the point is, that the meal was organised by the siblings and in a certain way.

now, one of the siblings has changed that dynamic by bringing a partner. Now, it's now fair because of it.

yanbu.

NatashaBee · 14/06/2013 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
b584 · 14/06/2013 18:48

Thanks Snoopy, nice to know someone knows where I'm coming from, It's not that I want to exclude d sis in law but I was looking forward to spending a few hours with my dm, d stepdad and siblings without anyone else as that was the plan,

If either of my sisters or my brother had a problem with this then it should have been stated from the start, not left till 2 days before the booked meal,

Now even if we wanted to invite our partners we cannot as adding one chair to the table is a bit different to upping the table by 4,

OP posts:
Original poster
b584 · 14/06/2013 19:02

Dancergirl This is my mum not hers.

We didn't activly exclude partners, We just wanted to celebrate her birthday with us, her 4 kids, She is more than happy with this, she doesn't want to make a big deal of being 70 by having a party,

In fact by what she has said since we mentioned it to us she was overjoyed that we [ her 4 children ] wanted to get together and treat her and d stepdad to a decent meal out just together,

I have nothing against my sis in law, I get along just fine when we are together, which isn't very often as often if there is a family bbq or something she doesn't come, He might bring one of the kids if he isn't working, Very rare for him to come though as he does work all the hours he can. In fact she is a lovely women and we have all always got along with her,

OP posts:
chrome100 · 14/06/2013 19:45

I think YABU. After a certain amount of time, partners become family - sons and daughters in law, with the key part of that phrase being "sons and daughters". I think it's a shame to exclude her.

hamilton75 · 14/06/2013 19:52

Yabu. I think its really odd that a joyful family event such as this excludes partners. Its just weird Confused

iamadoozermum · 14/06/2013 20:01

I'm with OP. Sometimes it is nice to be back to the "old" family dynamic of parents plus siblings with no-one else. My grandparents have had a couple of weekends away for various birthdays and anniversaries where it has just been them and their daughters - no sons-in-law or us grandchildren. We all thought those were fine, didn't even cross my mind to think we should have been invited.

Similarly if my in-laws wanted to celebrate something with DH and his brother only, I'd be fine about it, would probably relish having the tv remote to myself and a nice takeaway.

halcyondays · 14/06/2013 20:14

Yabu and I think it's a bit odd not to have invited partners in the first place.

CSIJanner · 14/06/2013 20:54

YANBU to feel this way. It's reliving and re-feeling how you were as children. I totally get it.

CSIJanner · 14/06/2013 20:59

Postscript - as PP have said, you can always have your DM's nuclear little family say for an intimate lunch, and then full on celebration with grandchildren and partners etc later.

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