To be annoyed at my SIL??

[Sarah2506]

I had a baby last week, by c section. DH and I have had no visitors apart from the midwife and my mum for an hour while still in hospital. DHs mum wants to visit but is 2.5 hours away by public transport. We said not yet, to give me a chance to recover and also get the hang of feeding her. I don't feel comfortable having her travel all that way as I will feel mean asking her to leave after a short while- we are in a flat so there is little space.

DH received a text from his sister saying that we had upset his mum and she shouldn't have to make an appointment to see her granddaughter. She says we are being unreasonable and life is too short to wait another couple of weeks.

I'm tired, emotional, sore and sensitive and just don't want people I'm not normally comfortable around in my space- we don't get on that well. AIBU in just saying no for a little while longer? SIL knows that my mum has visited and said that evidences my willingness to have visits but that I am just being picky about who. That's kind of true- I'm a lot more comfortable with my own mother and even then she's only been for an hour!

I wasn't feeling particularly low but do now- feel I'm being emotionally blackmailed. AIBU??

[trackies]

LucilleBluth no Op hasn't said that. And i'm not saying that this is how she feels, but how do you really know how she feels ?

Lots of women do experience this types of feelings after birth and i do think sometimes that those who make statements such as I can't get these women that give birth and then receive a fucking crown and pedestal really must have never felt like this. We don't all have the same "we've just get on with it" experience.

[HotSoupDumpling]

Grr, sets my teeth on edge when people say 'you've got to treat grandparents the same'. Yes that's true, regarding their relationship with the grandchild.

But right now, one week after a c-section, the person who should get all their needs met is the one who has just been CUT OPEN and who needs to establish a good relationship with the baby. If that person wants to see just their mother, and no other visitors, then that's what should happen. It doesn't matter how much pain she is or isn't in.

Pandering to a grandparent's obsession with the baby is treating the mother not as a person (who has undergone something quite traumatic) but as a vessel (who should just shut up and put up). The MIL has all the time in the world to get to know her grandchild.

[HotSoupDumpling]

Whoops forgot - (climbs down from soapbox and says in a small voice) - YANBU

[Bowlersarm]

I hate these threads.

As the mother of boys i really really hope I don't have daughters in law like AThingInYourLife

[worsestershiresauce]

Invite her, arrange that your DH takes her to the pub for lunch, then have a quick coffee with her in the afternoon before sending her off to your SILs. Job done.

My ILs pitched up 6 days post birth, and although I wasn't keen I was so glad I agreed to it. My MIL was in tears of happiness, and sat for so long with dd asleep on her that she got cramp. It was really special, and an image I will treasure.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

It's not a fairness issue at all- course she can see her mum as much as she likes.

However, come on, it's a lovely newborn baby- surely its grandma is allowed a peek? How will that negatively affect op at all? Where is the dp in this?

[AThingInYourLife]

Any woman who recognises that their DIL is a human being will have no problem with a DIL like me.

[reelingintheyears]

Well,pandering to a grandparents obsession with the baby?

It's over a week now,hardly obsessive behaviour.

The OP doesn't have to pander to her MiLs needs,just let her see her son's baby.

Let the DH look after his Mum while OP has a kip.

[reelingintheyears]

I asked before,can't your SiL drive her down for a few hours this weekend while you have a rest?

Surely that's not too much to bear.

[LucilleBluth]

Lots of projecting going on in this thread.

[Witt]

You are being a bit unreasonable. Grandparents should be treated equally.

[trackies]

AThingInYourLife

[mosuzu]

Fuck your SIL & your MIL. You've just had a baby, do what is right for you and if that means they have to wait then so be it. Congratulations btw.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

Dss recently had a baby - we drove 1.5 hr to hospital for a five min cuddle and to congratulate dss and partner. We were thrilled. Now I'm grateful too.

[bottleofbeer]

Expat and Lucille, yes!

No it's not easy but sometimes it feels like it's become a bit too much with all the "only you and the baby matter at this point". I've been seventeen years old, alone, after hours of labour and an EMCS so I do know where people are coming from but honestly, it all feels so indulgent now. Other people do matter, whatever you've been told about how special you are now.

Doesn't the new dad possibly need his mum at such a life changing stage of life? I've got three boys. Shit.

[Sallystyle]

Well, I also had people here with my first, but you are right, so I take that comment back. It was 14 years ago I had my first so I can forget what those days were like.

There is a compromise though imo. The OP doesn't feel comfy with her travelling a long way just to be told she can't stay long. There is a way around that. OP wants to leave it another couple of weeks, I would be devastated to have to wait for 3 weeks to see my GC. I couldn't imagine how it would feel to know that one grandparent is allowed to see the baby but the other one isn't just because she is the MIL.

I just couldn't personally tell a grandparent to keep away for that long. My dh's nan is the very last person you want to see when you are in pain or stressed etc so I told her she has 30 minutes because I wasn't feeling up to much more and took a bath leaving dh to speak to her.

If OP doesn't want her to visit then her husband needs to smooth it over with his mother and his sister needs to keep out but I think giving her the option for a short visit would be the best thing to do, because 30 minutes isn't really going to hurt is it?

[herethereandeverywhere]

But Lucille* you're doing just as much projecting with your expectation that everyone needs to deal with their situation post-birth just as you did! OP does not feel comfortable doing that, hence the request for visitors to stay away at the moment!

Any shared experiences (such as my own) are offering empathy and understanding to a first time mum having a rough first week or so - far more supportive than pouring scorn on her decision.

[Sallystyle]

Good point bottleofbeer

What about her husband? He must really want his parents to see the baby too.

I see no reason why it would hurt for her to have a quick visit.

I was 17 when I had my first and it was a hard delivery but I wouldn't have dreamt of making a grandparent wait for weeks to see their grandchild, even if that meant I had to keep visits short.

[AThingInYourLife]

The newest baby in our family is my brother's 2nd.

My mother saw far less of the baby in the first few days (despite living locally) than SIL's mother.

She didn't feel "pushed out" or excluded.

She expected that SIL would want her own mother's support before she could deal with other visitors.

If she had called me up saying she felt upset not to have seen the baby yet, no way would I have sent a text like that to me brother.

He would have told me to go and shite if I had.

If I did want to interfere I might have tried to gently suggest that it might be time for a flying visit.

But really, we all got that we needed to take our lead from SIL herself in the early days.

Now sh visits my parents with the kids all the time.

Being nice to people who are having a tough time pays off.

[hackmum]

Hotsoup: "But right now, one week after a c-section, the person who should get all their needs met is the one who has just been CUT OPEN and who needs to establish a good relationship with the baby. If that person wants to see just their mother, and no other visitors, then that's what should happen. It doesn't matter how much pain she is or isn't in."

Completely agree with this. It's nothing to do with "fairness", it's about who the OP feels comfortable having around when she's feeling ill and sore and tired. Most women, I'd have thought, feel far more comfortable with their own mum than with a MiL who, after all, is neither a blood relation nor someone they chose to have in their life - they're there purely by virtue of marriage.

Also, the SIL sounds a PITA. I hate people who feel obliged to share what someone else said about you behind your back, thereby just creating more upset and hurt feelings all around.

[ClaireDeTamble]

Surely it is not about visiting the grandchild - the OP and MIL don't get on. The OP's mother would not just have been visiting her grandchild but also her child after major abdominal surgery and a potentially life threatening experience.

The OP's mother will have been worried sick about her daughter as any decent mother would be - to put her rights to visit her daughter on the same level as MIL's to visit her grandchild is frankly laughable.

When my mother came round the day I got out of hospital with DD1, she was there for me as her daughter, not as a grandmother.

I have two daughters - when they give birth, my first and foremost concern will be for them and their health & welfare and circumstances permitting, I will want to see for myself that they are OK as soon as possible. If I have a son, I will ofcourse be concerned for my DIL, but would not dream of being equal to her own mother in this particular situation, knowing how I feel about my own daughters.

Mothers of mothers simply do not have the same rights as mothers of fathers in this situation as the father has not been through a traumatic and life threatening experience during the birth.

Mumsnet astounds me at times!

[trackies]

I agree about SIL being PITA. I don't actually think MIL is at fault. She was hurt and confided in SIL. SIL should have just listened and stayed out of it.

[MerylStrop]

I have princess tendencies myself, so I do feel some sympathy for you OP.

But please, let your MIL see her new grandchild. It can be brief.

You've had a C/S, you need to take it easy, but you don't need to wrap yourself in cotton wool for weeks.

You also need to try - as you've said yourself - to have a better relationship with your child's grandmother - and this is a great chance. Right now you are giving her something to resent you about, should she be that way inclined.