To be annoyed at my SIL??

[Sarah2506]

I had a baby last week, by c section. DH and I have had no visitors apart from the midwife and my mum for an hour while still in hospital. DHs mum wants to visit but is 2.5 hours away by public transport. We said not yet, to give me a chance to recover and also get the hang of feeding her. I don't feel comfortable having her travel all that way as I will feel mean asking her to leave after a short while- we are in a flat so there is little space.

DH received a text from his sister saying that we had upset his mum and she shouldn't have to make an appointment to see her granddaughter. She says we are being unreasonable and life is too short to wait another couple of weeks.

I'm tired, emotional, sore and sensitive and just don't want people I'm not normally comfortable around in my space- we don't get on that well. AIBU in just saying no for a little while longer? SIL knows that my mum has visited and said that evidences my willingness to have visits but that I am just being picky about who. That's kind of true- I'm a lot more comfortable with my own mother and even then she's only been for an hour!

I wasn't feeling particularly low but do now- feel I'm being emotionally blackmailed. AIBU??

My Mum came down the day after DD,Ds1 and DS2 were born,i wanted her there,she couldn't do alot except a bit of cooking etc but she wanted and i wanted her to coo over my delightful babbies.

Yanbu to feel put upon. U must be exhausted.

Yanbu to want your mum around. It is your mum. And to my mind your mum is unfortunately different as anyone in pain or hurting or wanting help wants their mum. Not someone else's.

Yabu to not set mils expectations of when she could come. Frankly DP is a bit of a wet lettuce here for not driving or getting her a car to come over for an hour to see it. To deny her a short planned visit is vbu.

Now, you have to get yourself out of the dog box and that will take YEARS....

No need to be so unkind, Lucille. And how YOU felt after YOUR births isn't really relevant.

If I live to the point where my son ever marries and procreates, providing he wants to, I plan to basically disown him to whatever harridan he takes up with.

Thankfully, I have a daughter left to me, but people like you make me despair of having a son at all.

Yanbu, you have just went through a physical trauma and are dealing with a huge hormonal surge, you've every right to decide who you want around you at the moment. I don't agree with the argument that it's your husbands baby too, it doesn't apply just now as he's not just went through child birth.

Why shouldn't MiL have the same desire to elp out and coo over her DGC?

I'm going to be a Grannie this year to DS1's baby.

I cannot wait...i am delighted at the prospect of helping as much as is wanted/needed.
Luckily we don't have to travel but i still don't want to be the second class Grannie.

You said you had the c section last week,can't she visit this weekend?

I agree expat, I'm washing my hands of DS1&2 and holding out for DD. I must live in an alternate universe to some, I can't get these women that give birth and then receive a fucking crown and pedestal.

The OP will be back in 2 years time bitching about how the MIL babysits/does more for the SIL's children than hers.

at expat and her DSs potential harridan.

I would have had no issue at all telling my MIL that she couldn't visit for the whole day in these circumstances.
A one hour visit is very different than a whole day (because that's what is going to happen). I might have said 'OK you can come for one hour' but it's clearly out of question here (Personally, I wouldn't dream to ask someone to do a 5 hour journey to spend one little hour with me and baby, one hour when you might even be able to have any conversation as baby may be ratty, crying, you feeding etc etc)

And when/if my 2 ds have dcs themselves, I would never impose myself to them/their wives on the ground that I want to see my gc. First mum and baby, then grand parents.

YANBU. I had a C-section last week too. My inlaws saw the baby (DS4)on day 4 but nobody else has seen him yet. DS4 is in special care and I'm either at the hospital, expressing or in tears (usually a combination of all 3). I don't want visitors, I want time and space. This time is about what you want and your recovery. Your MIL can visit first if your DH has major surgery.

PS I have 4 sons, no daughters

Yes, it's funny on MN, it's all 'his child, too,' when it comes to maintenance, domestic chores, etc. but not his child when it comes to a brief visit by his own mother.

I've learned a lot, I won't bother with my son's life at all and will still manage to piss off the DIL by not helping all on her terms.

"Why shouldn't MiL have the same desire to elp out and coo over her DGC?"

No reason at all. But surely someone can put aside their own feelings in these circs for a couple of weeks?

Where's DP in all this?

I think whether you are UR or not regarding the visit depends massively on the circumstances.

The time factor is important. It's all very well to say you MIL should get the same visiting time as your DM, but if she has to travel and can't just pop by for 10 minutes then that obviously influences things. Will she need a meal, for example, or doe she even need somewhere to stay overnight because she finds the journey there and back too much for one day? I can see exactly where you are coming from. Saying "You are welcome to travel for 2.5 hours but you can only stay an hour" as a lot of people here seem to be suggesting strikes me as rude too. When people have made that effort I'd feel obliged to host them for longer than if they just lived round the corner.

What sort of person is she? Will she expect to be able to just sit and hold the baby while you entertain her, or will she get stuck in and help out? In my case, I actually prefer the company of MIL more than y own mum. I love my mum but she can be a bit difficult sometimes whereas MIL is lovely. However, after DD1 was born MIL came to stay and was no help at all practically. I enjoyed her company but she didn't do anything useful - she just wanted to hold the baby, and kept putting pressure on me to bottle feed so she could 'help' me by doing that bit too. (Disclaimer: she lives overseas and came for a month, and DD was already 3 months old so I let her do all the holding she wanted to but the pressure to bottle feed was getting a bit much!). DM, in contrast, also had to stay due to the distances involved but rarely picked up the baby, did all the cooking and extra to stock up my freezer, did housework etc.

When DD2 was born 8 weeks ago, if there'd been a choice, I'd have had DM again over MIL. (There wasn't a choice - MIL can't come yet but we hope she will be able to soon). DM stayed a week, took care of DD1, taking her to school and out for outings, she did all the cooking again and so on. She picked up the baby about three times. DM tends to look after me, MIL wants to coo over the baby.

That makes a difference. It's nothing to do with relationship and everything to do with how they behave and their circumstances and expectations. You don't need to be looking after someone else just yet - if she'd expect that then you are not UR to ask her to stay away for a few more days. If she'd be happy to chip in a bit then it's much harder to justify keeping her away.

Oh thank goodness Expat and LucilleBluth.
AGREE.

I don't think he gets a say, poor sod.

As someone who had a relatively easy birth and was up and about physically quite quickly, I think all of you attacking the OP as to what she'd feel like as a MIL can sod off. The OP has been very clear, it's not that her MIL can't visit, it's that she has a long way to come, on public transport, they're not close, and she doesn't want to have to entertain anyone in her space for more than an hour. That's fine!

OP, if I were you, I would offer MIL the opportunity to come but make it clear that you're only really up to an hour or so, you're still trying to get feeding established and with the greatest of respect, she has to realise that after that, you and DD are likely to retreat to the bedroom.

Honestly, if this was a feeding thread we'd have a myriad of posters advising the OP to go to bed with the baby, enjoy a babymoon and tell everyone to sod off!

When my daughter was ten days old, my SIL and family arrived three hours later than they said they would, said they'd bring food which they didn't, and would only stay an hour or an hour and a half. After three, I brought DD upstairs to feed her and stayed there. DH came up a while later and said they were thinking of leaving. I smiled sweetly and told him to give them my love as I knew if I went back down it would take another half an hour. In the same time period, my own Mum would have made a meal and cleared up and when my DSis came for a few days after DD was born, I didn't have to do so much as make a cup of tea! That's the kind of family you need to visit!!

Think SIL is UR - keep your nose out unless you can help i.e offer a lift to facilitate short visit for MIL -and a txt, fgs?! how old is she!.
Think YABU by not letting MIL have a short visit, am sure you can find a way to make it short - you could go and have a lie down while she fussed over baby.
Think YANBU wanting your mum there for support for YOU, that's different. BUT MIL is just as important to your DH so should be there to visit/support him and see his new child, like I said, you don't have to see her, have a rest. Don't see why husbands family are less important in these situations.

OP, good question from Dackyduddles about where does DP stand ? is he ok with MIL delaying her visit ?

I also have to add that if I had tried at any time to dictate to my DH that his parents couldn't see our DCs he would have quite rightly informed me that I was unhinged and a bit controlling.

But then my DH would NEVER have imposed to me a visit from MIL for a whole day when I was sore and teary and emotional. He would have taken the clues from me to see if I was up to it and backed me up too.
He would have stepped up, dealt with his mother, perhaps organized for her to come over during the weekend, arranged for the trip to be very short and that he was there to 'entertain' her the whole time. He would have never expected me to just 'get on with it' if he had seeing me so distressed over that.

It's not about one set of grand parent being 'second class'. It's about the fact that that that time is very emotional. It's about the fact that everyone lives that time in their lives in a different way and I wouldn't dream to impose my ways to someone else. It's about the fact that a one visit at hospital isn't the same than a day visit at home when you still have the feeling you should be looking after your guests even if you don't feel like it (eg in pain after a c section).

I agree with Lucile and Expat. YABU

Your mother came to see you in hospital straight after the birth. I totally get that in this environment you are only really happy with her seeing you. I know, I am a mw who sees it all!!

But it is now a week later, it will be in your own home with your own stuff around you and day 1 after having a baby is a lot different to day 7.

If she is up for a 5 hour round trip, let her come and see her grandchild. For one hour.

It really can't be that hard.

I do think that making the decision for her based on the distance she lives is a little unfair - if she is prepared to travel that distance for short visit, then that should be her prerogative. I also understand wanting your own mum there rather than a MIL, but there are ways of handling it which don't upset people and ways which do. Unfortunately, it sounds as though what should have been a private little moan to her daughter about how much she was itching to see her grandchild has been broadcast beyond your MILs intentions. So as to the title of your thread, YANBU - your SIL is the annoying one in this scenario.

Lucille it's people like you and your fucking uncaring "why can't everyone just get on with it like me" attitude that cause lots of first time mothers to feel like failures.

I'm sure that OP will be very grateful for the " I can't get these women that give birth and then receive a fucking crown and pedestal" comment. You sound delightful Lucille. I pity any DIL of yours.

They grow up so quick, let her see her grandchild, think it is only fair that both granny's are treated the same. But do think your sil need's to stay out of it .