To be annoyed at my SIL??

[Sarah2506]

I had a baby last week, by c section. DH and I have had no visitors apart from the midwife and my mum for an hour while still in hospital. DHs mum wants to visit but is 2.5 hours away by public transport. We said not yet, to give me a chance to recover and also get the hang of feeding her. I don't feel comfortable having her travel all that way as I will feel mean asking her to leave after a short while- we are in a flat so there is little space.

DH received a text from his sister saying that we had upset his mum and she shouldn't have to make an appointment to see her granddaughter. She says we are being unreasonable and life is too short to wait another couple of weeks.

I'm tired, emotional, sore and sensitive and just don't want people I'm not normally comfortable around in my space- we don't get on that well. AIBU in just saying no for a little while longer? SIL knows that my mum has visited and said that evidences my willingness to have visits but that I am just being picky about who. That's kind of true- I'm a lot more comfortable with my own mother and even then she's only been for an hour!

I wasn't feeling particularly low but do now- feel I'm being emotionally blackmailed. AIBU??

[QuintessentialOldDear]

What does your husband say about not being allowed to show of his daughter to his mum??

Yabu and precious.

[Nanny0gg]

It seems to me that it would have been very different if the OP actually liked her MiL. But she doesn't. And presumably the only person MiL could express her hurt to was SiL. And why not?
I think it's lovely that she's bothered as it's not her only GC.

If I was her, I'd be really hurt too.

What does your DH say?

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

My MIL came to stay for 5 days when DH went back to work - my Mum was working and couldn't and I was recovering horribly slowly from my section and couldn't go up and down the stairs carrying the baby, or get up from the floor holding him.

She was brilliant. Held him while I showered, cooked the dinner, made me cups of tea and brought me drinks and cake while I was BFing. Ironed, hoovered.

Prior to me having the DCs I had had a reasonable relationship with her but we didn't have anything in common and I found her company quite wearing.
That few days was the making of our relationship and we get on brilliantly now. She is a lovely granny, my boys adore her and I am SO SO pleased that I allowed her to be part of our lives at such a special time.

[babybythesea]

if she is prepared to travel that distance for short visit, then that should be her prerogative.


And therein lies the answer of it all! This is the bit we don't know anything about. Will MIL say that there is no way she's coming all that way for such a short time and take offence at being asked to do so? Or is she physically unable to manage that journey for such a short time? If so, OP is definitly doing the right thing in delaying the visit.

If MIL is capable and happy to do it and isn't likely to take umbridge at being asked to depart almost as soon as she arrives then go ahead and have the conversation. There's no information in the OP as to what sort of person her MIL is or what the reaction is likely to be if she even broaches the subject of such a short visit.

[IAgreeCompletely]

I would just let her visit but make sure your DH is fully on board and ready to whisk her away when need be.
It was a bit to send a text.
I like my MIL but have a very different relationship with her than my Mum so I understand there is a huge difference. However, you should try and be seen to be considerate.

[trackies]

herethereandeverywhere and LadyInDisguise and beginnings. Agree totally with you.

[diddl]

Well if OPs husband will be there, MIL doesn't have to be coming to cook & clean, does she?

He can do that/look after his mum if necessary/take her out/look after OP.

[MommyBird]

If she's willing to travel the 2.5 hours for an hour and abit visit then let her. make sure she knows its just for an hour!
I was in an awful state after i had my DD1 and having my MIL stay for the whole weekend would of knocked me over the edge.
Your mom came to see her daughter after going under the knife. She came to be a mom, not a nan.
Also 1 hr visit is hardly the same as stopping over the whole weekend!

[LucilleBluth]

herethereandeverywhere I assure you I will be a fabulous MIL and I have been a fist time mum myself, and a second and a third. Having a baby is a massive life changing event granted but I do feel that even in the past 12 years since my eldest DS was born that pregnancy and birth have become fetishised so to speak, everything is overkill, keeping your MIL away from her grandchild because mummy doesn't want her there a WEEK after the birth is madness......this is my opinion of course.

[LucilleBluth]

Total lack of basic grammar in that last post, I have a cold.

[trackies]

LucilleBluth after any of those births, did you ever wake up and think "oh my god, i can't do this, i'm so tierd and in so much pain and i think i'd rather be dead" ?

[diddl]

I think that MIL is in a no win.

2,5 hrs travel for a one hr visit-if she leaves it until she can stay longer, she'll not be interested enough!

[BabsAndTheRu]

You know its threads like these that make me despair sometimes. Life really is to short for all this crap. Life is precious, in the 4 yrs since we had DS1 we have lost my dad, DMIL diagnosed with dementia, had DS2, mum diagnosed with cancer and pathological fracture of her spine and now had DD. We all support each other because that's what families do. Lets all try and get on with each other.
Invite you mil round pronto, you have bridges to build, there is no getting round it you have hurt her feelings. Your SIL is just protecting her mum, maybe in not the most tactful way but she has certainly got the message across.

[ll31]

Can understand why mil is upset,yabu to treat both grandparents so differently. can't believe you would ask her to wait a few weeks to see her grandchild. She is probably now worried about how often she'll be 'allowed ' see her in future. Think yabu .

[AThingInYourLife]

I really hate all this shit about women ceasing to be people when they become mothers.

The idea that a woman can't be supported by her own mother (or really anyone of her choosing) unless she gives someone else access to her on the same terms is revolting.

Visiting a person who has had major surgery is not about fairness, it is about what they can cope with.

I agree that the MIL should be told that it is OK to visit as long as the visit is short. That's got to be her call.

It sounds like she gets that the birth of a child isn't an excuse for inflicting yourself on a new mother regardless of her feelings (unlike some posters on this thread).

The SIL should have kept her whisht and allowed her mother to have a moan without creating the kind of bad feeling that really festers.

OP - your MIL doesn't have any rights here. But she's excited and dying to see you all, so don't keep her away because you can't offer all the bells and whistles and roll out a marching band.

[LucilleBluth]

trackies, I don't think the OP has said anything like that, she hasn't spoken of being depressed, apart from the C section I think she's fine.

[Sallystyle]

YABU but I don't quite get why it is such a big deal for people to have visitors after given birth anyway. When my fifth was born I had all the family here the next day as I wanted to share the excitement with them as soon as possible and couldn't wait to show baby off.

I think it's very U to make a gparent wait for over a week, especially when one set has already seen the baby.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

I think this could be smoothed over with some communication.

It's a shame you didn't think how your MIL might feel, whilst also putting yourself first. You could have rung her and asked how she'd feel about only coming for a short visit rather than assuming she'd mind.

That said, the SIL should not have intervened.

[maddy68]

I think your sil is right tbh. You had a baby last week and you haven't let your husbands family see it?

Why not invite them all over for 1 hr on Sunday get it all over in one go then someone can take your mil home afterwards

She's prepared to travel to see you yet you don't want that.
You sound very precious to me.
Grandparents are very important to your child. Your duty to your child is to encourage good living relationships between family members.
If my sons wife wouldn't let me see my grandchild I would be mortified!
Sorry I think you are being vu.
I was terribly ill after my daughters birth I would never have dreamed of not allowing family to see her

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

sorry, that wasn't clear. I agree that you should be allowed to put yourself first.

I just find it surprising that you wouldn't understand why a GM might want to see a tiny baby

[Sparklymommy]

Oh my! This could have been me 10 years ago!

Similar situation, my dd was 10 months old when my SIL asked to take her out for the day. I said no as the day she requested was a day when it really wasn't convenient. Cue a mahooosive family row where bil and SIL and bil's gf bullied dh into trying to get me change to my mind. I dug my heels in. I don't like being told what to do and I was not going to be bullied on this.

Eventually I made peace with SIL, although I made a rule that she would not be having dd again as it was too upsetting for all involved when I said no.

Bil however has NEVER spoken to me politely since and contact ceased completely less than a year after the original row. I have attempted, at different times, to re-establish contact, to apologise, to point out that it was a silly argument. Bil now no longer speaks to any of his family and cites me as the reason. Rest of dh's family tell me it is not my fault but I can't help feeling guilty.

I was a young mum, 19, and dd was the first grandchild. I hate that bil blames me so entirely but he is the one who has missed out on his nieces and nephews and dd1 was his god daughter too. I was stubborn and accept I could have tried harder but I believe it would not have mattered what I had done. He had decided I was the wicked witch and it damn near split me and dh up. I'm pleased to say it didn't but it was a close call at one time!

[MissBeehivingUnderTheMistletoe]

FGS most people who have CSections are not in agony a week after. OP can stay in bed if she feels that she can't cope with MIL. She can limit the time that MIL stays.

[trackies]

LucilleBluth and other dissapproving MIL's. The care we receive post birth maybe different now, depending on when you had your DC's.

When my DM gave birth to me, she had 24 hour labour and then forceps. She was kept in hospital for 1 WEEK. I was looked after for a week by midwives in the hospital. This was back in the day when NHS could afford to support the recovery of the mother.

After I had a 58 hour labour, followed by a e-csect, i had to look after my refluxer straight away (who would not sleep). I was up for most of two nights in hospital trying to soothe a baby who did not want to be soothed. She was looked after for maybe 4 hours per night (cos she was waking up the rest of the ward).

After DC2, i had a planned csect. I was discharged the next day. They needed the bed. I then slept on the living room floor for next two weeks with DC2, so i didnt have to do stairs in middle of night, and so that DH could look after DC1.

So not much time for recovery. But i have to say, DC1 was the worst and i was in no shape to see anyone for ages. But we did have visitors within a few days.

[herethereandeverywhere]

Well when my MIL came round she invited the rest of the family, cooked an enormous meal, talked over me whenever I tried to join in and left an entire kitchen full of washing up before p*ssing off home and taking the rest of the family (who all have sneeze births) with them. (Took me 3 days of dishwasher loading between all the other health related fun and games to clear it).

Life is precious. That of yourself and your own DD are the most important. Don't be told to do something against your wishes and instincts at this precious time. Once you're over these difficult few weeks your MIL and the rest of the family have a lifetime of cuddles and photo opportunities ahead of them. I wish I'd been as strong as the OP about stupid visits.

[AThingInYourLife]

"When my fifth was born I had all the family here the next day as I wanted to share the excitement with them as soon as possible and couldn't wait to show baby off."



Your 5th?

Right, so you'd been through the whole process 4 previous times?

Not quite the same, is it?

A week after I had my first I was barely eating any food because I couldn't figure out when to do it between (unsuccessful) feeds.

A week after my 3rd I was going out for dinner with friends while the baby slept.


You get better at this.

For a lot of us the first time is totally fucking horrendous.

And I didn't have PND, but I did have an EMCS to recover from.

I was a total mess.

Anyone who would impose themselves on a woman in that state is a wanker.

Not that the MIL in the OP has even attempted to. She just made the mistake of expressing her understandable impatience to her big mouth daughter.