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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that I/we are being pushed out?

382 replies

HarrySnotter · 10/06/2013 17:35

Sounds very childish I know but I'm not sure if I'm being over sensitive.

I have a group of friends who I see regularly and sometimes our partners also get together. Sometimes we go out as couples too. Another woman who I have known for a while but had a different friendship group had a falling out with her friends at the start of the year so we started inviting her and her husband out with us, I have always got on really well with her. Recently they (the woman in particular) seem to have really taken to a particular couple in the group (my close friend) and ask them out a lot - I have absolutely NO problem with this, they can go out with whomever they want obviously, but it seems to be a little secretive on her part, though my other friend tells me. I found out at the weekend that this couple are hosting a drinks party on Friday night and have invited other members of our friendship group apart from us. I feel stupidly hurt by this and although I will off course not say anything, as its entirely up to them who they invite to their house, I feel like we're being pushed put. I probably sound jealous and childish so accept im probably being ridiculous! Am I being oversentitive?

OP posts:
cheeseandpineapple · 13/06/2013 08:28

Invite your lovely friend over for dinner on Friday and then post numerous pictures of you both on FB together having a fab time. Game over for Wendy.

KeatsiePie · 13/06/2013 14:06

Yay! I'm so glad your friend is standing by you.

I agree, do not invite her to the barbecue, and do not say anything to her that could goad her to anger or that she could use against you. She's still a scary person. She could still turn other friends against you I don't mean to make you worried but people are changeable and it would be easy for her to create a "I said/no Harry said" situation and make a big mess of your friend group. I think you should just continue to play it quiet and let her flame out on her own. As others have said she probably will, she's going to get desperate and do more dramatic things stay back from all that.

I am so sorry so many other people here have had Wendys in their lives too. It is so, so awful to lose your friends, it's so lonely, and it's a hurt that really stays with you.

KeatsiePie · 13/06/2013 14:08

When I said "people are changeable" I didn't mean that your friends would turn against you, just that opinions can change. For example, if you say something mean to her, she could twist it to show that you were mean to her first and you are really the one causing the drama, and then some of your friends' opinions on you vs. her might be muddied. You don't want that.

GenuineBrunetteRoots · 13/06/2013 14:30

I totally agree with KeatsiePie!

Wendies are very cunning creatures; they are experts at making themselves look like a victim. I would say stay squeaky clean, just cut her off without saying anything or confronting her, and try to rise above it. If you look as though she doesn't bother you at all, even if she slags you off to your friends, they are less likely to be turned against you if you have no involvement in anything that is said.

kerala · 13/06/2013 14:44

Agree with the advice. Cut her out but politely so you are above reproach. Bloody weirdo freak (her not you). I saw a Wendy at work once wow it was awful but slightly impressive. I was living with my sister and Wendy, Wendy was a university friend of my sisters who had seemed to be a decent sort. However Wendy had been ousted from her own friendship group as she had been going out with the alpha male of the group and they had split up so she slowly and determindly wormed her way into my sisters friendship group of school friends, who were all living in London too.

My sister and I realised one afternoon when my sister rang 3 of her old school friends who were all out with Wendy. Sister had not been invited. Wendy had put so much work into it - wooing each old school friend individually, meeting them for drinks, flattering them, aping their interests, never asking my sister. My sister was quite busy at that time and her boyfriend was living out of town so she was away for a few weekends. My sister fought back had it out with her (she cried, moaned and denied it). Luckily the friendships my sister had with her school friends was strong and all survived but a few of them are still friends with Wendy.

GenuineBrunetteRoots · 13/06/2013 14:50

'Wendy' behaviour must be something that is just naturally ingrained into their brain. It wouldn't be on my radar to push someone out a group of friends and I wouldn't know where to begin if I did want to do it! I wonder whether Wendies spend hours carefully thinking up their gameplan, or whether the things they do just happen because they are unpleasant?

KeatsiePie · 13/06/2013 14:58

Genuine I imagine they must spend a lot of time planning, don't you think? But maybe it does feel natural to them; maybe for them it feels instinctive to be able to size up who to isolate and how to do it. I don't know where it comes from though.

digerd · 13/06/2013 16:16

I suspect it is a natural 'talent' with them.

pictish · 13/06/2013 16:21

I think they must just be competitive, controlling and manipulative by nature. Chuck in a healthy dose of deep insecurity, and you may well just find yourself with a recipe for Wendy.

minouminou · 13/06/2013 16:26

A friend of mine is absurdly competitive, and can seem incredibly boastful. However, she's as likely to wax lyrical about something you or your DC have done.

If she was insecure, and bitter, or whatever else it is, she'd be an unholy nightmare. The Uber-Wendy. Because, however, she lacks malice, she's high-powered, and can be exhsusting, but she's always genuinely DELIGHTED in success....whether it's hers or yours.

garlicgrump · 13/06/2013 17:10

I think they are sociopaths. My Wendy 'uses up' her friends over a period of ten years or so, moving on to a new victim and social set. She hangs loosely on to any old friends who haven't ditched her, but gets into a right panic if they ever meet. I think she reinvents herself so completely each time, she's scared of people comparing notes from her various phases. She acted very weird indeed when I met a group of her old flatmates - whom she'd never mentioned once in the six years we shared a flat!

She's been fired from numerous jobs for dishonesty. She's one of those people who creates an impressive reputation by building relationships, but isn't actually capable of the work she's supposed to do. I know she tried to blackmail at least one of her bosses.

And she's been having an affair with the same man since before he got married.

garlicgrump · 13/06/2013 17:13

Oh, yeah, and we shared a flat for so long - she even persuaded me to give up my own place and share again with her - but I later found out she told everyone she lived alone! No idea how she pulled that off, but I guess people aren't actually looking for such blatant lies. We had loads of guests; she must have told them I was just staying over or something! Confused

ProphetOfDoom · 13/06/2013 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WinkyWinkola · 13/06/2013 18:45

My Wendy is very popular with many different circles. It's very important to her that she is the centre of attention. If she feels she's not, then she gets very low.

She's always getting people to do things for her like dropping of gifts for friends, buying her things in the supermarket, taking letters to the school office, getting her butcher to do a home delivery when he doesn't provide that service as a rule. I now say I can't do it and she hates it.

I'm trying to fade from her view. I'm not such a focus for her now she's 'taken' one of my really good friends. It's horrible but I would to know what she said to my friend. My friend turns on her heel whenever she sees me at school - she thinks I've not seen her - or scuttles off. Sad

I guess she wasn't such a good friend after all. It still hurts a lot though.

Interestingly, my Wendy doesn't seem to go for the friends I have who aren't wealthy.

I feel sorry for her in some ways because she's on anti depressants, has huge arguments with her husband (one time she threatened him with a knife!) and all this desperate competition must be utterly exhausting.

I feel more sorry for her dcs. What if she Wendys them?

Lamour · 13/06/2013 19:01

I have known several different Wendies over the years:

I was "best friends" with one all the way through secondary school. That was an experience! Unfortunately I didn't realise until I was older and wiser that she was a Wendy. I just thought at school that I was really unpopular but that I was lucky as I had her as a friend! Found out years later that she used to tell people I didn't like them, and that I had been bitching about them. She would also tell me the same thing, that they had been bitching about me and didn't like me! One friend stopped talking to me in the second year, and never spoke to me again to this day, but at the time I had no clue why.

I then came across another Wendy at my DCs school; I was once friends with her but she stopped talking to me at one point and managed to get some other friends not to talk to me too. I was wise to it though and just disengaged with them all and left them to it.

I have also come across some more Wendies, but I haven't been close to them so their Wendying hasn't affected me, I've just seen it from afar, and also I've come across an online Wendy too! She was on a pregnancy forum when I was pregnant with my youngest DC. She was very witty and charismatic and everyone thought she was amazing, but behind the scenes she was dividing and conquering. I actually left the forum as I could see the wendying going on (I think I am ultra sensitive to Wendy behaviour due to my school experiences) and I didn't like it. It made me feel sick to see how popular she was when she was nothing but manipulative.

minouminou · 13/06/2013 19:28

It does just absolutely change you and the way you firm friendships, doesn't it?

WinkyWinkola · 13/06/2013 19:33

I almost don't dare try and make good friends now.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 13/06/2013 19:42

No idea there were so many Wendys out there Shock

OP- on Friday night you need to sit in with your friend and watch BRIDESMAIDS- maybe she will see the similarities....!

pictish · 13/06/2013 19:55

Being Wendied did completely and permanently change how I view and conduct friendships.
I always hold a little something back. A part of me refuses to trust fully. A part of me refrains from caring too much.
I know that someone can walk in from nowhere and take it all away from me, just because it suits her...and I know that my friends might not be loyal.

Once bitten twice shy.

Beechview · 13/06/2013 19:55

Well done OP.
I'm so glad this Wendy is not getting away with this. :)

May all the Wendies get their comeuppances

BitOutOfPractice · 13/06/2013 20:00

OP I don't think your friends deciding bot to go to Wendy's drinks party is a small victory at all. I think it's a MASSIVE victory! Grin

Bloody well done! I'm SO glad you tackled it wth your friend

Don't try any social engineering. Just acrry on being your good self

BreathingLessons · 13/06/2013 20:05

So glad for Harry that this is unravelling in her favour.

WEndies are weird. If I became a new member of social group, I'd want the friend in common to be the 'glue' that kept me in that group, and I'd acknowledge tacitly for years that that friend was the reason I knew the other friends!

myBOYSareBONKERS · 13/06/2013 22:35

What I really don't understand is why the Wendy people want to exclude the person that introduced them to the group.

Thoughts anyone?

pictish · 13/06/2013 22:43

I think it's because they are initially impressed by and jealous of your friends, and they have to prove to themselves that they can not only have it too, but be better at it than you.

Because while in a sense they envy you, they look down on you too, and think they are more deserving of what you have. They resent you having it because they, who are more worthy than you, don't.

Does that make sense?

minouminou · 13/06/2013 22:44

A PP said, and I reckon it's right, that the Wendies do this because the introducing person is targeted because she's seen the Wendy as a vulnerable outsider.