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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that I/we are being pushed out?

382 replies

HarrySnotter · 10/06/2013 17:35

Sounds very childish I know but I'm not sure if I'm being over sensitive.

I have a group of friends who I see regularly and sometimes our partners also get together. Sometimes we go out as couples too. Another woman who I have known for a while but had a different friendship group had a falling out with her friends at the start of the year so we started inviting her and her husband out with us, I have always got on really well with her. Recently they (the woman in particular) seem to have really taken to a particular couple in the group (my close friend) and ask them out a lot - I have absolutely NO problem with this, they can go out with whomever they want obviously, but it seems to be a little secretive on her part, though my other friend tells me. I found out at the weekend that this couple are hosting a drinks party on Friday night and have invited other members of our friendship group apart from us. I feel stupidly hurt by this and although I will off course not say anything, as its entirely up to them who they invite to their house, I feel like we're being pushed put. I probably sound jealous and childish so accept im probably being ridiculous! Am I being oversentitive?

OP posts:
Areyoumadorisitme · 12/06/2013 19:30

Glad it went well with your friend Harry.

candyandyoga · 12/06/2013 19:44

You need to STOP inviting her to stuff. I would even cancel the BBQ and tell her it's off then arrange for another time.

She sounds like a cow. Keep your distance!

candyandyoga · 12/06/2013 19:50

Just read more f the thread. Delete her from your life. She is toxic.

Original poster
HarrySnotter · 12/06/2013 20:01

Def not inviting Wendy. She can just piss off now, she's not going to steal my life from me. Have discussed with DH about cancelling the original BBQ altogether and just having birthday one instead. Ex friend can come, Wendy def not and if she asks me why I'll tell her. (Get me being all 'ard!) :)

OP posts:
QuintessentialOldDear · 12/06/2013 20:02

Dont invite Wendy to any more things.

SlowJinn · 12/06/2013 20:06

I used to work with a Wendy, I didn't realise before I read this thread. I just thought she had narcissistic personality disorder. But she was a Wendy through and through.

Good luck Harry. Can I come to your barbecue instead please?

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning · 12/06/2013 20:10

Wow I say invite the ex friend out as much as possible and Wendy will soon move on

minouminou · 12/06/2013 20:11

What will you actually tell her, though?
Will you confront her? Mention the letter?

It m

minouminou · 12/06/2013 20:12

Ghah! It might be an idea to just say something vague like: "This friendship isn't working for me."

Original poster
HarrySnotter · 12/06/2013 20:19

Of course you can slow! :)

I wouldn't mention the letter at all but just tell her that I believe we are completely unsuited as friends and that I want friends who are honest and don't try to take my place with my friends rather than join us. Does that sound wanky?

OP posts:
SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 12/06/2013 20:20

Wow, I just realised reading this thread that my teenage 'best friend' was a Wendy. I binned her off for making me feel like shit all the time but never really saw it in the blinding light I now benefit from. And it has screwed up all my female friendships since, with mistrust and distance on my part.
Shit.
I think I might need therapy for this or something.
:-S

OP, fwiw my advice is: get rid of her - but don't play her at her own game. She will make you look bad and you will lose. Be honest and open with your friends.

minouminou · 12/06/2013 20:23

I'd leave out any accusations or anything like that.
Have PMed you.... Other posters....it's just about an experience I've had....don't want to derail thread.

SlowJinn · 12/06/2013 20:23

Harry I wouldn't say anything to her at all, just withdraw completely - don't give her the satisfaction of knowing you have wasted even one minute on her.

WafflyVersatile · 12/06/2013 20:31

Are you still allowed to go to the police with poison pen letters or did that stop when Agatha Christie popped her clogs? Hmm

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 12/06/2013 20:43

Wow! Just read whole thread. Wanted to say to you Harry, that your friend and her DH deciding not to go because they thought it unfair you weren't invited is not a small victory. It is a HUGE one! And what a lovely proper friend she is. The Wendy has picked the wrong friendship to mess with there.

This Wendy's antics are not going to last long, because she's not being very subtle is she? The last group of people she was friends with rumbled her. And this lot will do too.

SO glad you brought this anonymous letter to light. If she wrote it, and I think we can assume she did, then she really is very stupid and her number will be up extremely soon. You really don't need to do anything. She is digging her own grave.

Am glad you have decided not to invite her to anything. If her ex-friend comes to your barbecue though, she may well entertain you all after a few Pimms or whatever with tales of why she would not touch the Wendy with a barge-pole.

And yes, just cancel the other barbecue Grin

FryOneFatManic · 12/06/2013 20:47

Harry, I don't think you actually need say anything to Wendy. If you and your friend just leave her out of any new events, your other friends will hopefully cotton on. Just make sure that any time you do have to interact with Wendy you keep it polite and no accusations. She can't then claim you are being nasty.

Crumbledwalnuts · 12/06/2013 21:31

Gosh this is like the penny dropping. I had a Wendy too. Really toxic. The best thing to do really was to get away and stay away. It's hard to fight. I'm so glad you talked to your friend and she was supportive. I talked to a friend about it, one extremely upsetting day of humiliating exclusion, and my friend said simply "I can see what's happening". It changed everything. It's like a burden lifted when you realise you aren't alone in seeing someone as they really are, and that not everyone is taken in.

Original poster
HarrySnotter · 12/06/2013 21:44

Can I just say thank you to everyone for the advice on this thread. Just reading what others have put has made me really see what's been going on and I'm so shocked by just how many of us have had experience of this kind of thing. I doubted my feelings for a while as paranoid and childish but I now see that it's not me. Its her, and I'm totally not going to let her win. Thanks again.

OP posts:
Fairydogmother · 12/06/2013 21:57

Yaayyy to you Harry! You've handled that brilliantly and you've seen your friend for the true pal she is.

Enjoy your Wendy free BBQ! (And I want to come too lol)

cheeseandpineapple · 12/06/2013 22:12

Been gripped by your saga, Harry, great how you've taken control of the situation.

You sound like you've got a lovely bunch of friends and a very active social life!

candyandyoga · 12/06/2013 22:28

I would'nt bother exposing yourself to her by explaining why - you lose your 'power' by doing so. She knows what she is doing so why point it out?! Th best thing you can do (and this will piss her off the most) is if you just cut her out. Cancel your BBQ and send a text sayings to everyone sorry have to cancel BBQ. If you see her just smile and be polite (don't give her any ammunition) and just then do your own thing without ever inviting her. If your friends invite her to stuff that's their business and you'll have to put up with it but she will piss them off eventually too! Move on and simply cut her off. Don't give her any ammunition and don't give her any info on anything!

Original poster
HarrySnotter · 12/06/2013 22:44

My friends really are the crux of this whole thing. They're a really nice bunch of people and I really do value them. Especially my lovely friend who decided not to go to her party, she is just brilliant and I love her even more for her support.

OP posts:
candyandyoga · 12/06/2013 22:55

Hopefully the rest will see through her and drop her too. I hate people like that!

DustBunnyFarmer · 12/06/2013 22:57

I echo what candyandyoga said. What's the acronym? JADE? Don't Justify, Apologise, Defend or Explain. You don't owe her anything and she'll try and twist it round anyway.

kickassangel · 13/06/2013 00:55

Plan a night out with your friend and buy her a couple of drinks? Then get drunk and tell her that you love her!

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