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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or am I being "selfish" (MIL's words) to not TTC a sibling for DD?

82 replies

icklemssunshine1 · 10/06/2013 13:32

Hi all,

Some of you may know my story but if not I'll give a bit of background: MMC in Feb, followed by ERPC & other medical problems.

Was a family BBQ over weekend & discussion my improving health. MIL asked when we would TTC again as it would be lovely to see DD & a younger sibling running around & splashing in pool. I told her that after a lot of emotional talk DH & I have decided to not have another child - mainly as I couldn't face the risk of another MC. It was heart breaking - still is. MIL told me I was selfish & should put the "needs of DD before my own". Apparently she will grow up "lonely" and "spoiled" and I will not make her a well rounded individual.

It took DH & I a long time to decide this & now I feel like I'm failing my DD.

So AIBU and "selfish"? Or should I just ignore these comments. I'm sure I'll have to deal more in the future when I'm asked why I just have the one child.

OP posts:

Original poster

icklemssunshine1 · 10/06/2013 13:34

should be "AND am I being selfish?" Sorry!

OP posts:

FeckOffCup · 10/06/2013 13:36

You're not being selfish and your MIL is a gobby cow who needs to mind her own business. Plenty of parents choose to stop at one child for various reasons and the child will only be spoiled if you raise her to be, plenty children with siblings are spoiled.

DTisMYdoctor · 10/06/2013 13:37

YADNBU and your MIL is being incredibly insensitive. I really couldn't face ttc after DS was born for similar reasons. By the time he was three I felt ready to try again, but two years later we've had no luck and we've decided to draw a line under it and enjoy the family life that we have.

You haven't failed your DD at all - there are lots of positive and encourage posts on here from one-child families, which I found very helpful to read.

seesensepeople · 10/06/2013 13:37

So sorry for your loss.

You have made a brave decision, don't doubt yourself. I would suggest DH has a quiet word with MIL so she knows how much this hurt you.

In future you can get great delight from embarrassing people who dare to ask such a personal question - simply say "we would love another but unfortunately, medical reasons prevent it". Not entirely untrue - who would want to put themselves through that trauma again?

You and DH may change your minds in the future, or you may not, but for now stand strong in the knowledge that plenty of only children grow up fine and well balanced!!

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 10/06/2013 13:38

What a cruel thing to say.
It's none of her business.

There is a 'one child families' board on MN, maybe post there too? AIBU can be abrasive but I hope people are sensitive...

coppertop · 10/06/2013 13:38

"Selfish" and "spoiled" sounds like an apt summary of your MIL's character.

Ignore her and go with whatever you and your dh feel is right for your own family.

In any case, you can't win either way. If you were to have a second child you would no doubt be told you were selfish for making your dd share you with another child. :)

ChildoftheMonkeyBasket · 10/06/2013 13:39

Firstly, I am sorry that you have had a MMC, I have had 2 MC, they are awful.

Yanbu, your horrid, thoughtless MIL is. I would suggest you no longer discuss your family with her. Your DD will not suffer for not having a sibling, you are not being selfish.

Anyone who suggests you having an only child is a negative thing does not deserve to have their opinions listened to, ignore them. I too had to listen to idiots tell me the same thing.

BiddyPop · 10/06/2013 13:39

There are lots of reasons not to have another child (even if it is physically possible), and medical needs of the mother are a very good reason. I am sure you are getting advice from your Docs etc, and all you need say is that you are operating on the basis of that advice and in the best interests of your family as a whole.

No more needs to be said, and if MIL continues to ask, just tell her it is a medical matter and none of her business. And then change the subject.

(We are not ttc for a 2nd, and occasionally hear similar grumbles from various family members, but there are reasons that others were not privvy to and I don't intend to reveal to them. It IS none of their business. And DD still has plenty of friends and wider family around - she probably has a much better social life, and feels a lot more included in general, than I did as one of 6!! where I was extermely lonely and felt very left out on the margins).

mrsjay · 10/06/2013 13:40

I am so sorry for your loss coming to the decision could not have been easy for you both and your MIL is insensitive, FWIW I was an only for 12 years I never ever felt lonley or hankered after a sister/brother, when my sister did come along the gap was to big to be splashing about pools, I cant believe she said that to you,

DeepPurple · 10/06/2013 13:42

How cruel of her! Many people only have one DC for many reasons. DD will be an only child and comments like this really irritate me.

Ultimately it's your decision not hers!

Original poster

icklemssunshine1 · 10/06/2013 13:42

Thanks for those quick responses!

Trucks I know AIBU can be blunt but I checked out the one parent families section & the last thread was made a couple of months back & wanted some quick traffic. Plus (& I know I'm putting myself in the line) if I get all the opposing arguments thrown at me now I know what I'm going to have to deal with in the future. Being called "selfish" knocked me for six so would like to know what else I could be called!

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 10/06/2013 13:43

Ignore her. For one reason and another my DS is an only....I used to feel guilty/sad and certainly wouldnt want any one else adding to it.

She is an ignoranus (is that even a word, lol) - your DD will be fine as an only, tell her to do one!

Nanny0gg · 10/06/2013 13:46

It's none of her business. You do what you feel is right for you as a couple as well as a family.
If she mentions it again, get your DH to tell her to butt out. Refuse to discuss.

And I'm really sorry for your loss.

diddl · 10/06/2013 13:46

Is her son also selfish??

She sounds nasty tbh.

I thought the only response to being asked if one is TTC is "mind your own fucking business"-or is that just me?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 10/06/2013 13:48

Diddl - when people ask me if I am having another I just tell them that "my eggs have gone off the boil" - that soon shuts them up! And if it doesn't then yes, mind your own would be my next response!

Iggi101 · 10/06/2013 13:48

She should not have passed any comment when you told her your decision.
However, I don't think it's unreasonable of her to want another gc, she just doesn't get to decide! She also probably knows of many people (myself included) who have had babies after mcs, so may not want you to give up.
The reasons she gives though, about your dd, are bollocks.

FirstStopCafe · 10/06/2013 13:49

YANBU. Your MIL sounds very cruel and insensitive. I'm sorry for your loss

FryOneFatManic · 10/06/2013 13:50

It seems to me as if the MIL is using the arguments about the child as a cover because she wants another grandchild.

OP, you are not selfish. You could always embarrass people who ask if you're TTC, by asking them why they want to know about your sex life. I did this once, before getting pregnant with DS, as at that stage, DD was nearly 3 and I was getting all sorts of questions about whether we'd have another. It killed all conversation in the room stone dead as people wanted to hear the person's answer. After all, in order to TTC, you need to have sex, don't you . Answer was a mumbled sorry with a red face. Result was no-one bothered to ask me again.

Original poster

icklemssunshine1 · 10/06/2013 13:51

No, I'm the selfish one as DH would try again but he respects my decision & would never force me or make me feel guilty.

I was just so shocked. DH has siblings who are childless so I think we were PILs hopes of grand kids!!

OP posts:

Glittertwins · 10/06/2013 13:52

The only person bein unreasonable and selfish is MIL.

Likesshinythings · 10/06/2013 13:52

I think you're MIL could not be more wrong - you are putting the needs of you DD before your own by making a tough decision which will safeguard your health, both mental and physical. Your DD needs a Mum who is well and happy more than she needs someone to splash about in the pool with.

Glittertwins · 10/06/2013 13:53

being

Likesshinythings · 10/06/2013 13:53

That should be your not you're, obviously

msrisotto · 10/06/2013 13:55

She's being a massive bitch. She wants more grandkids which is why she is spitting her dummy out. Ironically, she's being the spoiled, selfish one, not you. It's your life and you can live it exactly the way you choose.

EuroShaggleton · 10/06/2013 13:58

ickle my mum had 3 mcs after me. No cause was found. The last one made her incredibly ill (serious infection) so she was told to stop trying at that point (I was 8).

Looking back, I think my childhood became happier at that point. At the time I didn't know what the cause of the sadness was, but it was there (although there were good times too). I just think the family dynamic was actually better for me once they had decided that we would stick as a unit of three.

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