or am I being "selfish" (MIL's words) to not TTC a sibling for DD?

[icklemssunshine1]

Hi all,

Some of you may know my story but if not I'll give a bit of background: MMC in Feb, followed by ERPC & other medical problems.

Was a family BBQ over weekend & discussion my improving health. MIL asked when we would TTC again as it would be lovely to see DD & a younger sibling running around & splashing in pool. I told her that after a lot of emotional talk DH & I have decided to not have another child - mainly as I couldn't face the risk of another MC. It was heart breaking - still is. MIL told me I was selfish & should put the "needs of DD before my own". Apparently she will grow up "lonely" and "spoiled" and I will not make her a well rounded individual.

It took DH & I a long time to decide this & now I feel like I'm failing my DD.

So AIBU and "selfish"? Or should I just ignore these comments. I'm sure I'll have to deal more in the future when I'm asked why I just have the one child.

I am terribly sorry that you lost a baby. I lost a baby 5 1/2 years ago. It gets easier with time and of course your little girl will be a massive help in distracting you.

I think this kind of comment needs to be nipped very firmly in the bud to avoid more/worse comments in the future. Do not allow your MIL to pass judgement over what are very personal issues. This is NONE of her business.

If you feel unable to speak to her directly (I wouldn't in your shoes if it is MIL rather than your own mum) get your DH to phone her and tell her she has been rude and insensitive and that he does not expect future similar comments.

I have an only - for medical reasons - I don't expect to have to explain my situation to people but if people pass comment I tend to be quite blunt back. I don;t want to have a dialogue about such an upsetting very personal and private matter.

Sending you hugs xxx

No, YADNBU, I have had the same problem with MIL, despite her knowing we lost three babies in under 18 months. We have decided not to try again and so DS will always be an only child. SIL is now pregnant after being told she would never conceive and that her pregnancy is nothing short of a miracle - I wonder if MIL be will as insensitive to her a couple of years down the line.

My neighbours son is an only child and is utterly adorable, ignore her at best insensitive and at worst cruel comments

"No, I'm the selfish one as DH would try again".

Well I assume MIL doesn't know that.

And it still doesn't make you selfish-you can't face it-and that's it!

I cannot imagine the heartbreak that you have been through.

And then an adult who should know better is essentially saying what about me!

The real thing your MIL needs to remember is that you and your DH discussed this together, it's a joint decision. By calling you selfish, she's ignoring his input to this decision.

I'm sorry you've lost your baby. And I'm sorry your MIL is too insensitive to see your hurt.

YANBU to not have another baby - you need no other reason than "because I would prefer not to have another child".

OP, I'd like to echo everyone here and say so sorry for your loss, and your MIL is stupid and insensitive. There are excellent reasons for your decision.

But I'd like to say something else. Perhaps, just perhaps this is a decision you make for now. Your MC was really pretty recent and you need to give yourself more time. Time to grieve, time to recover (physically and emotionally), and time to regain the courage necessary to TTC.

It might be that this decision is the right one for all time, and there will be no changing it. I really understand the need to make a decision, if only to get this issue off your plate. But it might not be a permanent one.

I've had my own struggles getting pregnant and staying pregnant, so I know full well the pain you're in. But I also know that life is a strong and resilient force, and this may not be over for you yet.

My heartfelt sympathy and best wishes for the future, Ickle.

Thanks everyone for the replies (& kind words).

Euro and likes thank you. After MIL said DD would be affected by my decision it did make me wonder whether we should try again even if it would make me sick with worry. I had been just seeing it from my PoV: I couldn't face the worry, I couldn't take the risk. I did talk at lengths with DH as I know he'd love another child but I never considered DD's life. I just assumed she'd be happy regardless of our situation!

I agree with the poster who said MIL wants another grandchild & I totally agree that she's entitled to that belief. Just hope she's not as vocal in future! Also makes me worry about telling other people. I don't feel a big announcement should be made but I also don't want to say "maybe in the future" if we are asked if we're going to have another as that'll be a lie.

So sorry about your MMC ickle. I've also had one and we decided not to try again for reasons that were important to us and nobody else's business.

If anyone asks if we're going to have any more DC I answer 'No.' If they ask why I reply 'Because we're not.'

It tends to bring the conversation to a pretty swift end.

I think your DH should have a word with your MIL. If she can't see how hurtful her words are to you someone clearly has to point it out to her.

Thanks whistle, unfortunately because of my age if I don't change my mind in the next few years then it wouldn't happen at all.

Since making the decision I've felt like a huge weight has been lifted off me & I've felt much happier & positive. That's why it was such a blow to been called those words.

Blimey. I am not normally this blunt but I would tell her to eff off. Next time she starts just say, "No. Me and Dh are only having sex for pleasure these days" . Might shut her up?!

That definitely brought a smile to my face needto :)

Sorry you've had such a hard time of things. FWIW I think your desicion is very brave.

Your DD will not suffer. At all. My mum is an only child (adopted too) and she is the complete opposite of selfish and self centred. She has always said she would have liked a sibling and when we were younger couldn't understand why we'd argue and fit- whereas I wished I was an only child so I didn't have to deal with my siblings

Fight, not fit!

Who has a child so they can splash in a pool?!

Your MIL was cruel and unbelievably insensitive, your DD is a very lucky little girl.
I'd find a snappy 1 liner to respond in case she ever mentions it again and repeat it several times till she gets the message.

i can't begin to express how much i fucking HATE it when people assume that 'only' children are lonely and miserable. whilst i admit i would have LOVED for dd to have a brother or sister she is however, one of the happiest most contented kids her age i have come across and this is not a biased opinion. my point is, it ain't the fucking end of the world if your kid doesn't have a bloody brother or sister. tell you MIL to mind her own fucking business. there. rant over, sorry for swearing :-D

ps OP, sorry to read of your loss

YA definitely NBU and I'm very sorry for your loss.

The only people who are entitled to express opinions on if/when you ttc are you and your DH. You are not obliged to give anyone an explanation if you have an only child and all such enquiries should be met with by either a short, sharp 'we're not willing to discuss it' or by asking 'what the buggery bollocks has it got to do with you'!

Your mil is the only one being selfish in this case. And for what it's worth, I come from quite a large family, it's definitely not all it's cracked up to be!

Your dh goes through a lot with a mc, but it is not what you go through as a woman, so I think ultimately you have to decide. If you lost your baby in Feb, that is not very long ago at all.
Are you of an age where a final decision needs to be made, or do you have a few years' grace?

Sorry OP, had missed your subsequent posts. I suppose what makes it harder to answer such comments, is that you did want there to be another, it's not possible to say you prefer it this way, it's the hand you've been dealt.
I kept my mcs secret from my young son, but there's no way he wasn't aware of the tension/stress/grief flowing around the house.
If you tried again you might be lucky first time, or there might be more pain. Only you and your dh get any say in which option you have chosen.

your mil is seeing you as a vessel, a carrier, not as a person who has feelings and she does not care if you endanger your health. hmm. tell her to eff off.

OP I'm really sorry for your losses, and I am shocked by your mil.

Also really saddened to read people having to justify, or feeling they have to justify reasons why they only have one child.

Does nobody ever say "because we didn't want another?" I don't want another!

It is telling she would like another because it would be lovely to see a little one running around, not because it would be lovely for your dd to have a sibling to run around with. She wants another grandchild and is being emotionally manipulative.

Was she an only child at all? I get this attitude from my mother a lot (although I have no medical reasons for not wanting another so far more "selfish" than you) and I out it down to her own lonely childhood. My son will be far from lonely.

If all else fails buy her Dan Brown's newest book!

Sending you hugs, OP.

It's your call and you can just tell her you weighed up all the pros and cons and that's your decision.

I did have a second child and you know what? They don't get along and my eldest has never thanked me!