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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or am I being "selfish" (MIL's words) to not TTC a sibling for DD?

82 replies

icklemssunshine1 · 10/06/2013 13:32

Hi all,

Some of you may know my story but if not I'll give a bit of background: MMC in Feb, followed by ERPC & other medical problems.

Was a family BBQ over weekend & discussion my improving health. MIL asked when we would TTC again as it would be lovely to see DD & a younger sibling running around & splashing in pool. I told her that after a lot of emotional talk DH & I have decided to not have another child - mainly as I couldn't face the risk of another MC. It was heart breaking - still is. MIL told me I was selfish & should put the "needs of DD before my own". Apparently she will grow up "lonely" and "spoiled" and I will not make her a well rounded individual.

It took DH & I a long time to decide this & now I feel like I'm failing my DD.

So AIBU and "selfish"? Or should I just ignore these comments. I'm sure I'll have to deal more in the future when I'm asked why I just have the one child.

OP posts:
Original poster
icklemssunshine1 · 10/06/2013 16:10

Thanks iggi. Sorry to hear of your losses too. Luckily my DD is only a toddler so she was unaware (I think) which was quite nice as her usual cheeky smile cheered me up on my darkest days.

Umlauf, quite the opposite! DH & MIL are from a HUGE family. There's only one cousin of DH's hundreds of cousins that has one child but as she didn't meet her DH til her mid 40s that's accepted. The childless family members (& now me) are always badgered about children. My mindset is slightly different as I've only one sibling & my family aren't close - I see my DM maybe twice a year. DH can't go a week! Children is a prerequisite in this family. God knows what would've happened I I was infertile!

Thanks everyone for taking time to reply. I'm feeling much more settled in my decision. Tbh I couldn't care less what MIL or other family members think but the comment about making DD lonely and spoilt really touched a nerve.

It is true that parents of lone children seem to justify their decisions. My friend has a DD & doesn't want any more just because she doesn't. She was an only child & loved her family life but she gets comments like she's weird for making that decision too!

OP posts:
BaldricksTurnip · 10/06/2013 16:12

What a nasty thing for your MIL to say to you! So sorry for your loss OP it makes me mad with rage when I hear of people being so insensitive and hurtful. Enjoy your beautiful daughter and I wish you nothing but health and happiness xx

Suzieismyname · 10/06/2013 16:23

Yanbu. Completely your choice.

We have 2 DDs and I wouldn't change that for the world. I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to just have DD1 though. I could devote myself to her rather than being pulled backwards and forwards between the two.

quesadilla · 10/06/2013 16:25

YANBU and your MIL sounds like a nasty piece of work and I would disregard everything she said after a remark like that. Astonishingly tactless and rude under any circumstances but in the light of what you have been through bang out of order,

This is one of my absolute pet hates btw, people who think you owe it to a child to give them a sibling regardless of the circumstances. It betrays a shocking stupidity. Having siblings doesn't guarantee you will like them or that they will enhance your life, and the idea that you need to disregard your needs and feelings to satisfy some ideal of the nuclear family is a load of shite,

Ignore the bitch your MIL and do what you and your DH want.

CheerfulYank · 10/06/2013 16:41

Yanbu!

I've just had my second. DC1 is almost 6 and I got comments about it all the time. "So when's the next one coming" "he needs a brother" "don't want to leave it too long" etc, etc. We waited til it was right for us and for awhile considered stopping with DS.

There are lots and lots of bonuses to having one and I'm sure your DD will be just fine. I know some lovely onlies. :)

CheerfulYank · 10/06/2013 16:54

Yanbu!

I've just had my second. DC1 is almost 6 and I got comments about it all the time. "So when's the next one coming" "he needs a brother" "don't want to leave it too long" etc, etc. We waited til it was right for us and for awhile considered stopping with DS.

There are lots and lots of bonuses to having one and I'm sure your DD will be just fine. I know some lovely onlies. :)

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 10/06/2013 16:59

Ridiculous and unreasonable of her to demand you have another. I am an only child. I had a fabulous childhood. People talk rubbish about it. Take no notice. You don't even have to justify it. It is entirely your decision.

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 10/06/2013 17:00

Oh and I wasn't lonely or spoiled Wink.

pumpkinsweetie · 10/06/2013 17:02

It's really none of her business whether you decide to add to your family or not. It's insensitive of her to judge your decision that you have made with good thought.

VivaLeBeaver · 10/06/2013 17:05

Ickle, one thing you may need to be prepared for is questions from your dd as she gets older.

My dd is 12yo and an only child for various reasons. From the age of about 6yo to probably about 10yo she asked lots for a brother or sister. And I mean lots, there were tears, she told me I didn't love her, everyone else has a brother or sister, etc.

So be prepared for that, though your dd may not be the same.

IMO dd asking for a sibling is a bit like her asking for a puppy. Sounds nice but I bet the novelty would soon wear off. When they're taking my time and attention, when dd wouldn't be able to have stuff bought for her as I have 2x dc to buy for, etc. She seems to be over the asking stage now thankfully.

Original poster
icklemssunshine1 · 10/06/2013 17:05

Thanks Baldricks :-)

quesedilla. I will! Why is it one child families are considered weird? DH has cousins that have 6 children but I don't comment although that's unusual int family, each to their own.

Thanks Cheerful. Think I need a bank of one liners to ce out with when asked!

OP posts:
Original poster
icklemssunshine1 · 10/06/2013 17:08

Snazzy that makes me feel better :-)

Viva, thanks. Never thought of that. Rhnaka dor tour honesty. Must have been a difficult stage. Glad she seems to be past it.

OP posts:
Original poster
icklemssunshine1 · 10/06/2013 17:08

Viva - sorry . Stupid iPhone. Meant to say thanks for your honesty. How it came out with that I don't know!

OP posts:
Earthworms · 10/06/2013 17:14

Our dd will probably be an only. For medical reasons.

I have had insensitive gits trying to persuade me I am selfish.

I find a grisly description of the life threatening medical trauma and health problems we had shuts them up beautifully.

The last knobhead actually turned white and apologised before scuttling out of the room.

Binkybix · 10/06/2013 17:21

Some of the happiest, best adjusted people I know don't have any siblings. Don't beat yourself up over this.

My mil is already begging me not to have an only child. I've not even given birth to first yet! Whatever decision we come to it'll be mine and DH's!

youmeatsix · 10/06/2013 17:21

I am Shock that anyone would have the audacity to even talk about it with you. whether you have none, one or a dozen is no one else's business but you & your husbands. even my nosey MIL would never have dared ask. and she was a mother of 4 and one of those who thought everyone should have lots, she still wouldnt have said to her DILs (she said plenty besides but even she knew there was a line Grin ) you have your family already, and IF you feel the need to say anything just tell them you are happy as you are

specialsubject · 10/06/2013 17:23

there are four only children in my immediate family, spanning three generations. None of them are lonely or spoiled.

Two of them are only's for medical reasons, the other two because the parents decided that they were happy with one. All kids go through a stage of asking for a sibling. (I am not an only child and apparently I went through a stage of asking for the sibling to be sent back, which I believe is also fairly standard!)

'mind your own business' is an underused phrase, especially to a woman who has lost a baby.

Floggingmolly · 10/06/2013 17:33

You are not being selfish, and your dd will not be affected by your decision. Your interfering old bat of a MIL need not be factored into the equation at all, it's none of her business.

Badvoc · 10/06/2013 17:40

Can I ask why she didn't tell your dh he is being selfish?
What does your dh say about her dreadful comments?
Am very sorry for our loss.
I had 3 mc and even though I am now blessed to have have 2 dc it's not something you ever get over.
Yanbu.

KittieCat · 10/06/2013 17:56

I'm in a similar situation to your friend. I'm an only child and DH and I have chosen to only have DS.

There is no reason an only child should be more 'spoilt' (I have an almost visceral hatred of that word), there is no reason an only child should be lonely. I am neither of those things and nor will DS be.

Good parents are good parents regardless of the number of children they have.

Enjoy your DD and ignore your MIL.

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/06/2013 17:59

You are not being selfish. Your daughter will grow up just fine without siblings if you choose not to have anymore children. There is no guarantee that siblings will get on anyway. If you and your dh are happy then she will be too.

Tell your mil to mind her own business. The things people feel they can say about only children are outrageous.

Finola1step · 10/06/2013 18:10

Hi ickle. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Your MIL was extremely rude and I would suggest you no longer discuss your personal life with her. Only tell her what you feel comfortable with.

Her views on the impact on your dd are ridiculous. Every day I sit opposite my good friend at work. Her lovely dd (an only child) has just turned 21 and is about to finish her degree. I have known her for many years and she is fabulous. Your dd will be too because of her parents and they values she learns from you.

trackies · 10/06/2013 18:29

YANBU. Am am only child. I was not spoilt ! I am spoilt now though as i get my mum all to myself and so do my kids, so if anything i think you'll have a closer relationship with your DD. Terrible thing for her to say to you, esp after what you've been through.

RocknRollNerd · 10/06/2013 18:43

So your MIL has a huge family (presumably siblings of her own) and she's said this where she'd prioritise your health over her own wants - that's the definition of spoiled and selfish I'd say! Grin

It's total bollocks that onlies are lonely, selfish etc. DS will be the 4th generation of onlies in my family (me, both my parents, 2 out of 4 grandparents) - we're all happy, well-adjusted, able to form relationsips (how the hell else would we all have managed to get meet people and keep producing these spoiled dahlings otherwise Grin).

You buy an inflatable or a noodle thingy or a set of watering cans and pots for a child to play with in a paddling pool - not a child!

Please don't worry about all the negatives stupid people throw at you about onlies - believe me it does tail off after the toddler years. You're not letting your DD down, I had a brief period of wanting an older brother for a while (early teens, I wanted easy access to boys!) but soon realised that that wasn't going to happen and have honestly never ever wished I had a sibling apart from then. I have wonderful friends, some of whom I'm closer to than many people I know are to their siblings.

trackies · 10/06/2013 18:47

i agree with RocknRollNerd. I have a best friend who had 4 siblings, but we're so close that people think we sisters and she refers to me as her 'sister'. I also have 6 cousins who have fallen (3 sibling pairs) who are always falling out with each other and some not spoken for years. Sometimes, siblings are overrated.