help Step children/MIL drama - again

[Molson10]

Hiya, sorry I need help and at this time of night I didn't know where to go. I'm new to this site, and I want some advice from mum and grans

I've been married for nearly 5 years, I'm in my 40's and have 2 very difficult step children, they are now young adults and we still can not sit round the table for a nice meal. I sit and try and ignore it, bite my tongue, but it goes on and on and in the end I have to say something. the are rude to each other, my husband, the eldest lived with us for 2 years after her mother throw her out on Christmas Eve. I was never asked if she could move in, it was just a given. I tried to treat her as a young adult, it didn't work and came to a head when her mother dare to call me saying I was out of order.

There mother is difficult even though they have been divorced for 13 years and I was not involved in the break up. Basically the kids have seen the way she treats DH and they think they can do the same. She calls him up and lectures him. she has no one in her life and seems hell bent on ruining ours.

Anyway, this weekend grandparents have been up and a bbq with the kids ended up them staying all weekend with slightly wild dogs, I wasn't happy my hubby had agreed to this previously without asking me. Anyway they were here all weekend and it ended up with another row over the dinner table. This happened a few weeks ago and DD said he was never doing it again until they could grow up. We have had this since the time we met when you couldn't take them for a meal out in the car anything without a fight. They were 14 and 11 when I met them

Finally this evening I couldn't take anymore of them sniggering and whispering, that I said to my husband I was sorry I couldn't take anymore and was leaving the table. Some how this has all blown up and the MIL said she won't be visiting again, comforting a sobbing 20 year old who said 'see why I moved out' And my MIL telling my husband that he has hard a decision to make, which I think is me or them. God I just wish I was a perfect as her !!

She said I don't think you like the kids, I wish I'd siad your right I don't, which I suppose is true, in a way, part of me feels stupid that I do keep going back and trying to do nice things for them. I think that as there mother does nothing with them, they resent me for trying, but I could be wrong. I did say why would all our money for the last 2 years gone on big super holidays for them?

If I'd known when I got married that at this age we would still be going through all this would I have married him ?? And why even though I do try am I always made out to feel its all my fault. MIL has said she won't be visiting again and I think she said I wasn't welcome there.

There a really close family, although we are some way from the rest of them.

I want the opinions of mums and grans, not having children of my own it's so hard. I was estranged from my dad for many years, due to my mother not wanting to him to see us and I so wish I had had a dad like my husband who fights for his kids, although I don't think they deserve him or appreciate him.

Any thought, help or advice would be very much appreciated

thank you
Molson 10

I don't know what to say really but didn't want to run off and leave you unsupported. These situations are always really hard but I think maybe you and your DH need to decide what you both want and stop trying to accommodate so many other people. When you are trying to please children and parents it is almost impossible.

I don't have any experience of being a step mum and I am guessing it is very hard with a lot of people involved in your marriage.

But I think YABU. You are the adult, you married a man with children, and you MUST learn to appreciate them too. You can't just say you don't like them - you met them when they were 11&14 ffs! You have to be the adult here... I don't care how old they are now. You have to be the one that makes allowances, gains their trust, and tries to build a relationship. Storming off because you don't like their behaviour isn't going to help anyone. You need to start from scratch. Sit down with everyone and agree to work things out. Maybe even some kind of family counselling? But the initiation of anything must come from you.

Thank you, yes will try that.

thanks bumbolina, I tried counselling a few years ago, I wanted us to go as a family, but he wouldn't go. It's very difficult to appreciate 2 young adults who have never done or said anything nice to you, even though I have tried with them, I ask them what they want to eat when they are coming over. The eldest had an interview and no approriate clothes so I took her shopping. and the other one I got him a weekend job. they have had 2 fabulous holidays in the last 2 years.
I can not tell you how appallingly they treat and speak to my husband.

Hi OP, I've read your thread and not the best person to offer advice but going to have a go anyway.

You can take control of your own life a bit by taking responsibility for some of the choices you're making:

• You stormed off. That was stroppy, adolescent behaviour. You dealt with a difficult situation with not much more wisdom than a teenager would have done. It doesn't matter how justified you were, it won't make it right.
• You made a comment to your husband, in front of his family, that was highly critical about his family. That was very unwise. Given that you know he cannot control his children, it was also very unfair and shaming. Your partner loves his children and I'm sure you wouldn't want it any other way. Don't come between that. This is a family who sound like it's been through the wars. How you're being treated will not always be uppermost in their minds. And that's ok. Don't increase your partner's pain by sending a message that you don't respect him all that much, either.
• You didn't treat the stepkids with respect and patience. Maybe you have done in the past and you feel they don't deserve it now. That's not an adult response. You treat them well because you're you, not because they're them. And the holidays have nothing to do with it. Young people don't act gratefully/in a more mature way because they're supposed to be grateful. That's not how family works.
• You haven't apologised or stopped to consider anyone else's welfare today, even though your show of temper has sparked a family crisis. If I were you, I'd apologise for your part in it. You chose to put your DP in a position where it would look to his stepkids and his parents like he had to make a choice between siding with you and siding with them. That's relational suicide. You could choose to at least try to diffuse that.
• Sitting around the table for a nice family meal is not within your control because it involves choices made by others as well as yourself. Consequently, there is no point getting upset if it doesn't happen. Many young people would be fine in that situation and many wouldn't. My daughter is not yet two and I'm learning to 'let go' of what I'm hoping for in every situation. I only end up stressed otherwise, and I know it won't necessarily get easier. I chose to have her, I gave away many rights in the process. Harder for you, but still the same principle. Of course, you have a choice not to sit at the table, but recognise that it will cause hurt, which will be time-consuming to deal with (when you could be having a nice bath).

defuse. not diffuse. :)

Thank you, fabergegg, you've given me lots to consider

Hi

I thinknyou need to.have a good chat with dh. Why didnt he step in at the dinner table and tell them their behaviour was not on. He ahould be making sure they treat you with respect.

Sounds like a very stressful weekend and the dinner was the final straw.

I don't think anyone acted like an adult in this situation.

It's impossible to tell the real rights and wrongs of the situation on so little information though and step families are (or can often be) very complicated. Sometimes the right thing to do is to walk away from a situation if you can't resolve it.

Molson, you might find it better to post in the step-parents section as you are more likely to get advice from people who have been in your situation. Taking on teenagers where there is obviously a lot of emotional baggage can't really be anything but hard I would have thought. I don't have step children myself but my brother has three and I can see it's very different from 'normal' parenting, and that's hard enough to get right!

I think your dh was at fault - if they were being horrible to you at the dinner table then he should have pulled them up on their behaviour then and there - it shouldn't have got to the point where your only option was to stay and put up with it (as I take it you pulling them up on it would have had an equal response to your storming out).

I am astounded that a 20 year old was sobbing simply because you pointed out her rudness and left the table. Pathetic.

So MIL has said she won't come again? Result! Now she won't be able to play up and over dramatise a situation again.

Your DH is at fault here. He needs to man up and stop allowing himself to be manipulated by his mother and his children. If he has a 'difficult choice to make' you may want to remind him that it's YOU that he 'chose' to marry, to spend the rest of his life with and to have sex with - he won't be getting any of that from his mother.

Disengage from his children. There is no crime in being perfectly polite, but not bothered with a 16 year old and a 20 year old. Don't 'take the 20 year old shopping', don't 'get the 16 year old a job'. They have a mother and father to do this for them (although why a 20 year old needs help in this respect is beyond me) - and they can deal with the disrespectful and ungrateful nature of the children they have produced.

You don't have to like them. They are not yours. As long as you are polite, kind and respectful of them (even if they don't afford you the same consideration) then you are doing nothing wrong. You are not being cruel, you are just distancing yourself firm unreasonable behaviour.

seriously. just stop.

you had nothing to do with break up. you have done your best. they are not children are they? they are now adults. who need to understand that their behaviour has consequences. PIL sound bonkers.

tbh, lots of teens are like this- mine have been at times, but i dont put up with it.

what to do now? i would honestly just decide to have nothing to do with them for 6 months. emotional and physical distance. your oh can arrange to see them- when he does dont go with him, or just go out.

what led said

It sounds from your OP that you have made a lot of effort with your step children, but the fact that you have said twice that you weren't asked about them being present shows that you have underlying feelings that have probably come across badly to the rest of the family, and show that perhaps you have made effort, but only when it suits you.

A parent shouldn't have to ask their spouse if its ok if their children come into their home. Of course it's a given that a son or daughter should be able to move in with their Father! And no, they shouldn't have had to ask if you minded!

These sound like two young people that have been messed up by their parents, and those problems have come to the surface. It's understandable that their grandmother is sticking up for them.

I think you dh should man up and pull them up for the attitude,
mil should butt out,
and you should disengage from them.
I am talking from experience been married now for 25 years and out of three step children only one comes to our house to visit .
If my dh wants to see the others he goes himself to visit them.
I don't ask about them and he does not tell me anything as I am not interested .
May sound harsh but I learned the hard way no matter what I did was right ,
so now I do nothing and it still is not right with them .
but do I care ,not a bit

Have you ever liked them, OP?

What did you do to "treat them like young adults" which ended in you getting a mouthful from their mother?

You need to have a long talk with your husband. He is entitled to have his children over in his house at any time - you knew they came as a package. It is polite to let you know in advance though. They are his responsibility not yours, he should have stepped in. You need to tell him that the arguing has to stop for a start.

As someone else said, you're the adult and you need to behave like one - no storming off! However you also need to disengage. Treat the politely and respectfully but don't get so involved.

You seem to think that 11 and 14 was quite old enough to act maturely all the time....as a Mother I can tell you that those ages are still very young and most children are still liable to bad behaviour...even more so if anything.

As you missed their "cute" toddler and young child ages, you were faced with what probably seemed huge, rude overgrown kids with no manners....but they were dealing with a Mother who wasn't any good and a new partner for their Dad...hard when you're that age.

The foundations were not laid early on...it seems that you didn't want to deal with them....and now, they're ganging up agaisnt you hence the whispering and giggling at the table.

Your MIL is understandably protective of them. Not of you. You need to make a HUGE effort to ignore the bad behaviour and be pleasant around them...some people will say that you shouldn't bother as they are rude and now adults...but they are still smarting from their childhood and they are part of your family.

Hi Eagle, nothing led to this, this is how they behave. Even at the ages they are now, you can not sit and have a nice meal at home or out. A few weeks ago at Sunday lunch my husband said he wouldn't be doing it again as it always descents into this, whether in laws are there or not and if I get involved or not. They were difficult young teens, but the behavior has not changed.

If I get involved it goes nuclear, and I really do try not to but I wouldn't sit and let other children behave like this in my house, I'm not going to let them.

They're not children any more Molson...so "letting them" doesn't come into it.

Your right Neo, the foundations weren't laid early, but there was already a pattern of behavior and DSD saw off previous gf, according to my BIL

I don't have children, I didn't and still don't have the tools to try and deal with this. I tried counseling, but it's hard when it's a family issue and I went on my own.

DSD was a child....she never "saw" anyone "off". They probably found it all too complex. Don't blame a child. She's an adult now...in your shoes, I would remain calm and avoid flashpoint situations like the plague.

So dont eat with them...do other things...go for a coffee or don't....but don't storm off or act like they do.

14 and 11 fighting at the table would be totally, completely normal I think.

You said you don't like the children and by the sounds of things you are showing them that. So I'm not suprised they're playing up.

Also I think your expectations of children being seen and not heard and sitting quietly doing as they're told are very, very unrealistic. It's not 'The Sound of music' you know!

I am your age group OP and when I didn't have dc or nephews and nieces I also had very naive expectations of children. Thinking they would just do as they were told like Automatrons! It doesn't work like that. They are people!

This attitude of 'blaming' dsd for seeing off previous gf too! That's crazy. Little children will become territorial about their parents. It's totally natural. They are not manipulative by doing these things. They are only young, unformed beings.

Dont place so much 'blame' on the children.

You're having what sounds like a major values clash with them - to you, sitting down to a family meal and behaving in a certain way at the table represents more than just getting food. To them it doesn't.

Values clashes are generally deeply personal. You'll react in a way that feels right to you, because of things you care about being disrespected. They'll think you're over-reacting. Next time, before it spirals out of control, I think you could try to explain to them what matters to you - "your behaviour is really upsetting me because xyz is very important to me and you're not respecting that", and ask for what you want.

If they continue to be little shits then walking away is an entirely valid response if you've been clear that certain things are deal breakers for you. The suggestion that adults never disengage from a situation but meet everything calmly is bollocks. No one is perfect and sometimes disengaging is far better than losing your temper completely.

To be honest, in your situation I'd be thinking very carefully about where the "this is too much" line is. You should be happy in your own home, it's your right. That may invodonee one hard choices.