help Step children/MIL drama - again

[Molson10]

Hiya, sorry I need help and at this time of night I didn't know where to go. I'm new to this site, and I want some advice from mum and grans

I've been married for nearly 5 years, I'm in my 40's and have 2 very difficult step children, they are now young adults and we still can not sit round the table for a nice meal. I sit and try and ignore it, bite my tongue, but it goes on and on and in the end I have to say something. the are rude to each other, my husband, the eldest lived with us for 2 years after her mother throw her out on Christmas Eve. I was never asked if she could move in, it was just a given. I tried to treat her as a young adult, it didn't work and came to a head when her mother dare to call me saying I was out of order.

There mother is difficult even though they have been divorced for 13 years and I was not involved in the break up. Basically the kids have seen the way she treats DH and they think they can do the same. She calls him up and lectures him. she has no one in her life and seems hell bent on ruining ours.

Anyway, this weekend grandparents have been up and a bbq with the kids ended up them staying all weekend with slightly wild dogs, I wasn't happy my hubby had agreed to this previously without asking me. Anyway they were here all weekend and it ended up with another row over the dinner table. This happened a few weeks ago and DD said he was never doing it again until they could grow up. We have had this since the time we met when you couldn't take them for a meal out in the car anything without a fight. They were 14 and 11 when I met them

Finally this evening I couldn't take anymore of them sniggering and whispering, that I said to my husband I was sorry I couldn't take anymore and was leaving the table. Some how this has all blown up and the MIL said she won't be visiting again, comforting a sobbing 20 year old who said 'see why I moved out' And my MIL telling my husband that he has hard a decision to make, which I think is me or them. God I just wish I was a perfect as her !!

She said I don't think you like the kids, I wish I'd siad your right I don't, which I suppose is true, in a way, part of me feels stupid that I do keep going back and trying to do nice things for them. I think that as there mother does nothing with them, they resent me for trying, but I could be wrong. I did say why would all our money for the last 2 years gone on big super holidays for them?

If I'd known when I got married that at this age we would still be going through all this would I have married him ?? And why even though I do try am I always made out to feel its all my fault. MIL has said she won't be visiting again and I think she said I wasn't welcome there.

There a really close family, although we are some way from the rest of them.

I want the opinions of mums and grans, not having children of my own it's so hard. I was estranged from my dad for many years, due to my mother not wanting to him to see us and I so wish I had had a dad like my husband who fights for his kids, although I don't think they deserve him or appreciate him.

Any thought, help or advice would be very much appreciated

thank you
Molson 10

"invodonee one"?? Should be "involve some"...

Thank you Annie

Hang on they are 17 and 20 now aren't they? You have had 6 years of them fighting at the table and being unable to have a family meal. And it has taken you 6 years to walk away from the table having put up with it for that long - I think that others are being harsh on you here Molson.

It sounds as if there is a lot of tension in this household and that it has been allowed to fester for a long time. Well done for trying counselling - what a pity your dh was not able to support you in this.

I would agree that counselling again may give you a fresh perspective on how to handle the situation. If I have read the situation right, it would seem as if you need to focus on damage limitation/ making the best of things, rather than hoping that you will ever establish a happy household after so long.

Actually, you are more concerned about the children disrespecting their father than the way they speak to you, arent you? That's a hard one - how does he feel about the way that they speak to him?

Surely it's not too much to ask for a 20 year old and a 17 year old to be able to sit and have a meal with there family and grandparents they rarely see, with out being rude, using bad language, answering back, sniggering and whispering.

I don't want a seen and not heard, thats ridiculous, but conversation around a table with family at there age shouldn't be too much to ask,should it ?

I also, think I've put it wrong that about her moving in, there was no consultation and how we would move forward, no ground rules set. She was asked to leave her mothers and came here.

I then also had my MIL telling her that she would never be thrown out of my home, which of course I knew, but surely a better way of grandma putting it would be for her to behave appropriately, not to do the things that got her thrown out of her mothers and no one would be throwing anyone out.

tbh I can see how you're peeved with DH not consulting you about them moving in/showing up. Its not the same as you saying they can't come it just more about some decency from him going 'sorry about this, but x has been kicked out of her mums, she's going to have to come here for a while'

Sianilaa, no I don't like them, but I do try. I don't like the way they treat my husband. But that doesn't stop me trying to do nice things for them, we have a couple of family events down south later in the summer and I had been thinking of logistics for it all and trying to get them to commit to come.

trying to get them to commit to come.

Maybe you need to take a step back. If you're trying to get them to commit to come you are putting them in a position of power. Think about telling them their options and when you need to know if they will be attending.

Have that talk with your DH about rude behaviour. He must put the needs of his children first, even when they are young adults, but that doesn't mean allowing them to treat you with a total lack of respect. He should be stepping in and letting them know how he expects them to behave in his house. That is perfectly reasonable whether they are children or adults.

Your DH needs to do the same with his mother and let her know that she either treats you with a reasonable level of respect or he will just see her away from his home. She needs to respect his choice of life partner whether she agrees with it or not.

we have a couple of family events down south later in the summer and I had been thinking of logistics for it all and trying to get them to commit to come

STOP

It is NOT your problem. If your DH wants them to come to the family events, then let HIM organise it. His children do not show you any respect or consideration. When they do, you can re-engage. Until then BACK OFF and let your husband deal with EVERYTHING.

You feel that your husband has to ask your permission to allow his parents and children to have a barbque in his own home ? Don't you think that is potentially an issue ?
Storming off from the table ? You can hardly accuse others of being immature.
And if your husband allows his children to treat him with such disrespect what is HE doing about it? Perhaps as a parent he realises that real life isn't like the Waltons. Parent/child relationships aren't perfect but he loves his kids unconditionally anyway.

There is a dichotomy in the way you treat them OP. You say they "answer back" but then expect them to behave like adults. I wonder if you've adjusted the way you talk to them? Do you treat them as adults? Converse with them? Show interest in their opinions?

As ever, lots of projection going on on this thread

Where is every one getting that the OP stormed off from the table ?

The OP doesn't say that ANYWHERE.

OP says I said to my husband I was sorry I couldn't take anymore and was leaving the table

That doesn't equate to "storming off", so the accusations of immaturity are below the belt. OP even APOLOGISED before she left the table - a very mature and adult thing to do surely?

I think you need to take a huge step back. It sounds like they have had a difficult time Growing up from 2 ineffective parents and they are not yet emotionally adults.

All this talk I permission is really uncomfortable to me. Your dh had 2 children before you came along, his home should be theirs if needed for as long as needed without question. There was no need to ask anyone's permission, that is what you took on as a step parent.

I feel very sorry for them as I don't thing they have had any emotional or physical security growing up and are just reacting to situations rather than making decisions on their behaviour.

Neo, it's not answering back to me, it's my husband they we're answering back to.

Concrete, my husband didn't have to ask permission for his kids and parents to come of bbq, it was her dogs I was not asked about and one is an out of control staffie, we have new puppy and I didn't want any trouble.

You feel that your husband has to ask your permission to allow his parents and children to have a barbque in his own home ? Don't you think that is potentially an issue ?

Does he have to ask permission, or is it that as a courtesy he should run it past his wife? There's a difference.

I think the crux of all of this is the husband. He doesn't appear to have set rules or boundaries for his children and has pretty much let his wife get on with it, in the face of total non-cooperation from the children.

OP - step back. When you see them, be polite and civil and try and ignore their rudeness. Let your husband deal with all arrangements and situations.
If they become beyond putting-up-with, don't storm off, just calmly point out that you won't be spoken to like that in your own home and just leave the room.
Then when you speak to them again, just be polite and calm. But every time they're rude or offensive, refuse to engage. (really hard I know).
And then when they aren't there, speak to your husband, tell him your expectations and ask him what he plans to do about them.

I think this needs sorting out into separate problems.
Your DH needs to face up to his responsibilities. He should be the one who is making it clear that their behaviour at meal times is not acceptable. If they are rude to him he should tell them that isn't acceptable either. They are his children.
With any luck your mother-in-law will stay away for a while. If she decides to return it needs to be made clear to her that the house is yours as well as his and that it is not acceptable for her to encourage the kids to behave badly.
Who cooks these meals which keep getting ruined ?

Is this a case of their idea of a family meal is totally at odds with yours? You'd like polite, civilised, intelligent conversation. They like things loud and raucous. What you maybe see as rude and disrespectful they see as family 'ribbing and joking'?

For example our teens would think nothing of calling each other a slob at the table if one of them spilled a bit of dinner down their top. An outsider might think that highly rude and disrespectful, but we have a family dynamique that means it's not - it's just a joke that we all know no-one really means.

ltevedallas: The OP apology sounded passive aggressive and not a true apology. More a turn of phrase. Speaking to just one person and ignoring everyone else + leaving abruptly could be interpreted as storming off.

Not saying she shouldn't have done it, necessarily. Although I don't think it will get her where she wants to go.

Titchy, slob is fine to me, I am not expecting polite, I have been around them for too long. this is rude aggressive and offensive to their dad.

Molson: Trying to get the stepkids to come to a family event is not being nice to them! And it's not your role. Especially given that you can't seem to hide your dislike of them.

If you can't behave graciously when confronted with their barbaric behaviour and you feel you must step back, then that probably means letting go of everything, including your well-intentioned efforts to help them. (I think you would be letting go in many ways at the moment if they were your own kids too). Especially as doing 'nice' things for them seems to increase your expectations of good/grateful behaviour on their part. Why not have as little contact as you can have to behave nicely, rather than having lots of contact and sending such an inconsistent message.

You've received many comments now and opinions are going both ways about how wrong/right you were. And you have responded to some of that by making the same remarks you started out with - you want a nice conversation around a family meal and you're not going to tolerate family members sabotaging that in your own home. It's your right to say that, but you've asked for opinion and you now sound a bit closed to hearing anything that doesn't vindicate your choices. Or anything that would mean you might have to give up your sense of entitlement about sitting around the dinner table.

At the end of the day, if you dislike your stepkids and cannot hide it, they probably shouldn't have to be around you either. You seem to expect that everyone will hide their true feelings and sit around being polite. Teenagers are unlikely to see the point of this, especially if they can see you dislike of them - you get to look like a duck in thunder, sanctimoniously being killingly polite - they have to sit still and smile as if they were ten. How awful. And I realise I was elaborating there and that may not be how it is at all :) Sorry OP.

Fabereegg, sorry 6 years on who could still be gracious in the face of this behaviour?

I have appreciated all comments good and bad, I have read and considered all the challenging posts. I have only reposted where a questions has been asked. I'm new to a forum and I hope I haven't missed some etiquette.

I think I am going to step back, happy for DH to meet the kids, but I'm not going to get involved

Are there really people who would allow their 20 year old offspring to come into their house and be openly rude to one of the adults who lives there without pulling them up?

It wouldn't matter whether you were a mother, step mother, sibling or a lodger. These two are old enough to be expected to treat you with respect, especially when they are invited your home.

You have clearly taken a lot without complaint and they think that their histrionics when you do reach your limit and withdraw will make everyone too scared to call them on their rudeness.

If your DH chooses to allow them to be rude to him that is his business but he can't expect you to take it on the chin all the time without some addressing it.

Oh and it is very clear that you don't expect your DH to ask permission to invite his family round but you would like him to consider you and your needs alongside those of others when he is making arrangements because it is happening in your home too.

Thank you Goldmandra,

Molson they're 17 and 20. "Answering back" should cease to be an issue....normally, young adults are brought into discussions on a more equal footing...not reduced to "answering back"