help Step children/MIL drama - again

[Molson10]

Hiya, sorry I need help and at this time of night I didn't know where to go. I'm new to this site, and I want some advice from mum and grans

I've been married for nearly 5 years, I'm in my 40's and have 2 very difficult step children, they are now young adults and we still can not sit round the table for a nice meal. I sit and try and ignore it, bite my tongue, but it goes on and on and in the end I have to say something. the are rude to each other, my husband, the eldest lived with us for 2 years after her mother throw her out on Christmas Eve. I was never asked if she could move in, it was just a given. I tried to treat her as a young adult, it didn't work and came to a head when her mother dare to call me saying I was out of order.

There mother is difficult even though they have been divorced for 13 years and I was not involved in the break up. Basically the kids have seen the way she treats DH and they think they can do the same. She calls him up and lectures him. she has no one in her life and seems hell bent on ruining ours.

Anyway, this weekend grandparents have been up and a bbq with the kids ended up them staying all weekend with slightly wild dogs, I wasn't happy my hubby had agreed to this previously without asking me. Anyway they were here all weekend and it ended up with another row over the dinner table. This happened a few weeks ago and DD said he was never doing it again until they could grow up. We have had this since the time we met when you couldn't take them for a meal out in the car anything without a fight. They were 14 and 11 when I met them

Finally this evening I couldn't take anymore of them sniggering and whispering, that I said to my husband I was sorry I couldn't take anymore and was leaving the table. Some how this has all blown up and the MIL said she won't be visiting again, comforting a sobbing 20 year old who said 'see why I moved out' And my MIL telling my husband that he has hard a decision to make, which I think is me or them. God I just wish I was a perfect as her !!

She said I don't think you like the kids, I wish I'd siad your right I don't, which I suppose is true, in a way, part of me feels stupid that I do keep going back and trying to do nice things for them. I think that as there mother does nothing with them, they resent me for trying, but I could be wrong. I did say why would all our money for the last 2 years gone on big super holidays for them?

If I'd known when I got married that at this age we would still be going through all this would I have married him ?? And why even though I do try am I always made out to feel its all my fault. MIL has said she won't be visiting again and I think she said I wasn't welcome there.

There a really close family, although we are some way from the rest of them.

I want the opinions of mums and grans, not having children of my own it's so hard. I was estranged from my dad for many years, due to my mother not wanting to him to see us and I so wish I had had a dad like my husband who fights for his kids, although I don't think they deserve him or appreciate him.

Any thought, help or advice would be very much appreciated

thank you
Molson 10

For most families no your expectations are perfectly normal. For some however swearing etc at the table is perfectly normal (maybe actually eating at a table rather than on their laps is as big a compromise as they can do). It seems you have married into the latter. Take them or leave them, but don't expect to change them.

No I haven't, my husbands expectations are the same as mine. I wish you wouldn't keep making assumptions about me.

I'm both a step-mum and a step-child. Your step-kids are acting this way because they choose to do so, not because they can't help it.
I have done a lot of the same things for my stepkids that you have. The difference is that they appreciate it and they know I do things for them because I love them. Your step-kids are bullying you. As one of the adults in the house you absolutely have the right to set down ground laws and not to allow this type of behaviour. I would make it clear to both DH and MIL that this type of nasty behaviour will not be tolerated by anyone. Do not allow them to visit while you are at home. Make it clear that if and when they can control themselves they will always be welcome in your home.
They are young adults who have known you for 5 years. If they can't appreciate you it's their loss. I was 11 when my mum met my step-dad. At first I was a bit of a brat and not very nice to him. My mum made it very clear to me that she wouldn't tolerate any rudeness from me. After about 6 months of knowing him I knew what a lovely guy he is and snapped out of it.
I'm sorry I can't offer you any better advice but here's some and a big hug!

oh honey, thank you. your advice, experiences, flowers and hugs mean an awful lot. Thank you

In some ways agree with your MIL about him having to make a decision about your DH future. You can only be badly treated if you allow them to do so which for whatever reason your DH allows (maybe an overpowering mother, followed by an overpowering ex wife). They our his children and with this he has the responsibility to ensure you are treated with curtesy in your own home by them and your MIL. To solve any of this you need him to regain his position as father to them and a husband to you because he has not done the first years of resentment has followed.

I'm not a step parent but I am someone's step child. My step parent has been in my life since I was 10,so only just younger than your youngest step child.

Getting used to it was hard,there were tantrums and falls outs. I found it hard,my step parent found it hard because they too don't have children of their own. But at some point my parent put their foot down. I think your husband is blame worthy in this. My parent never made it anything other than crystal clear that my younger brother and I were their priority. It was also made perfectly clear that my step parent wasn't going anywhere.

14 years on I refer to "all my parents". My life wouldn't be the same without my step parent.

Your husband seems to have failed to set his children boundaries and so they still run riot and treat you badly. I can completely understand why you don't like them. But I think you need to talk to your husband.

There is a difference between letting your children know they come first and letting them turn into vile young adults.

Of course it's not an unrealistic expectation to expect everyone to eat together without 'kicking off'. But you have drawn the short straw and it does seem like a realistic expectation in your circumstances. That's unfair on you but then life isn't fair. It hasn't been fair to your step kids either, holidays or no holidays, although that is not an excuse. You did marry into this. You made a choice. Not that it means you're bound to accept bullying, but it's relevant to say you committed to accepting this family as they were at that time.

If you are not prepared to put up with unacceptable behaviour, you have a right to do that. You don't need validation from anyone here.

Is there something specific you would like to happen now? Other than your MIL calling to apologise and the stepkids calling round with flowers? If not, why not just make your decision, follow it through with a smile, and try to give your DP space to get on with being a dad without the 'this is unacceptable' stuff? Surely you can afford to be pleasant about it and accept the hand you're dealt without creating more friction.

doesn't not does sorry

"Your step-kids are acting this way because they choose to do so"

Exactly-if they don't do it at school/uni/work-then there's no reason to do it at OPs/ther fathers house-especially if they are being asked not to.

Sounds as if they have no respect for anyone.

Maybe their father is frightened that if he tries too much discipline they'll refuse to see him-or threaten to.

But I agree that it's win-win about MIL atm!

They are not children any more and your dh should be demanding/expecting more respect from them for both of you. I am sorry for you - that sounds like a horrible situation but it doesn't sound like anyone is happy with the way things are.
Scarlet: they are 20 and 16 now (not 14 and 11) which is old enough to behave politely in a social situation.

Your story resonated with me. I have two older step sons who I have looked after (don't see their natural mother) for 6 years. It is the hardest thing in the world being a step parent. The boys from the moment I moved in waged a mission of abuse towards me and my two children. The youngest of the two soon tired of this and now we have a great relationship. The oldest however has been rude, obnoxious and pushed against everything, including his father. It's all very well saying you should be the adult but at 20 years old they should know better. Itnisnnot too much to ask for manners and good behaviour. Obviously children will not behave all the time but god, it seems they do it becasue they know it provokes a reaction. My DH has had enough now and asked the eldest to leave. He has been gone for three weeks and the difference is amazing. We can sit and have a relaxed family meal, enjoy discussions without constant put downs from the oldest. It has made my hubby and me realise how much time the oldest one took up and how stressed we all were. It is so draining living like this. I also have a MIL who thinks the sun shines out of oldests every orifice, and of course I get the blame. (whoever coined the phrase wicked stepmother needs shooting). Unfortunately we are damned if we do and damned if we don't). It is so hurtful given I have been the 'mother' figure for him for the last six years. If you can detach yourself and allow some space for awhile, things might calm down. But be prepared that you might never have a relationship with them and it is their choice and you have tried. You can't continue to live under all this stress. Good luck!

I think you are perfectly entitled to throw all your toys out of the cot after years of rudeness. The message is simple. Your DH loves both you and the kids. You want to enjoy everyones company and have nice meal times and car journeys. You like the kids but do not like their behaviour. Concentrate on disliking the behaviour - not the children, otherwise you risk deep wounds.

Do not involve MIL or EX in sorting issues out. Hold a family meeting with kids and agree that you all need to move forward and learn from the situation. Make some positive rules together - speak how you want to be spoken ( all complex issues can be resolved nicely) to etc. ...write the rules down and stick them on the fridge.

Also look on amazon for some good books on raising step kids.

Also I think that you shouldn't cook if the kids are being rude. They can make their own meal.

Ask rude children to leave the table and eat elsewhere.

Stop driving if the rudeness starts. Just pull over and wait quietly till it stops. Hold your nerve even if it makes you all late. And repeat every time.

These are not young children. One is a legal adult and the other is a teenager. They both need to grow up!

Your DH sounds like he needs to grow a pair of balls tbh. He should be supporting you and getting his kids to behave and be respectful round his wife.

I can not understand the posters that say "oh it's completely normal". My kids never behaved like this, this is unhealthy behaviour of an adult and teenager. I could under stand this point if they were under 10 but one is nearly 20 for god sake! I had one of my girls by then and lived on my own! She knows what she is doing and has been allowed to grow in to a nasty adult .

Mil should be ashamed of her self and them for behaving in this manner. These are not two small children crying out for attention and love.

Give them a wide birth. You don't have to like them.

Op just wanted to say I feel for you. You are obviously taking on board all the points raised here so you can't be an inflexible or rigid person.

My twopence is just to say

• pick three (max) non-negotiable things eg No swearing in the house, no phones at dinner table, no raised voices. Make them pretty obvious to spot things (so not 'no backchat' as that is too subjective)
• state when they arrive that you're happy to see them but that for this meal, you would like to observe the following rules
• if a rule gets broken, remind them of the rule. If it gets broken again, just get up from the table, excuse yourself calmly and go for a walk or drive. Don't apologise for your behaviour or explain it. Just go. You're all adults now, more or less, they'll cope.