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AIBU?

To be sad at the amount of horrible parents out there (not a happy thread)

156 replies

Doubtfuldaphne · 08/06/2013 22:37

In town shopping today I was behind one lady who told her dd to 'stop waving your toy around or the ladies in the shop will smack you'
And I held a lift for a lady to come in with her toddler and baby. The toddler instantly sat on the lift floor and looked scared. She said 'sorry mummy'' and the mum shouted 'I don't care of you are' aggressively. The 2-3 yr old was covered in bruises mostly on her face and arm and Very very thin.
I can't stop thinking about it. There's nothing I could've done, don't know who she is, or what their story is - I just know that here's no way I would treat my children aggressively or with anything but love! Yes, I can lose my temper after a hard day but wouldnt be aggresive. something about this situation has really played on my mind and I feel sad.
There's nothing I could've done though is there?

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CalamityKate · 09/06/2013 12:36

Oh DO shut up with the excuses.

You CAN tell if things are within "normal" parameters.

If I'd have been in the same lift as the OP and seen what she describes then too right I'd have bloody well judged and I certainly wouldn't have been trying desperately to invent reasons why I should feel sorry for the mother.

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LaQueen · 09/06/2013 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ilikethebreeze · 09/06/2013 12:53

To be fair, I do think some people miss abuse, until it is staring them in the face.

And I shall never forget a post on here about a year ago, where the abuse was literally staring a op in the face, and she couldnt see it until after about 500 posts.

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scottishmummy · 09/06/2013 12:53

birds post is good,it covers the process and determining what action available
local authority act within a legislative framework,bird had given overview
I don't see any excuses,I do see an explanation of process.thats different

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Ilikethebreeze · 09/06/2013 12:54

Should have said it wasnt herself that was doing the abuse.

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Pataloco · 09/06/2013 13:55

the I is

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pumpkinsweetie · 09/06/2013 14:03

It's hard to say what i would think as having four children myself, i know that we can catch parents simply having a bad day. I have had the odd day where one of my dc has played up all day & snapped at them in the supermarket out of frustration but that's me on a very bad day, that's not the person i am on a day to day basis and i love my children and cherish them.
The same goes for the bruises, my dc always have bruises on their legs from climbing, falling off bikes etc and very rarely on their face if they have had a mishap or two, so what i'm saying is from that little snippet you have seen it doesn't always mean there is abuse at the root of it.

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Doubtfuldaphne · 09/06/2013 16:03

I think it's just one of those things that will stay with me and there's nothing I could've done.
Lets hope by talking about this we can all be aware of what's going on around us and don't hesitate to call ss or nspcc if we see or hear anything.

OP posts:

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MiniTheMinx · 09/06/2013 16:55

dancingwithmyselfandthecat do you speak to the people next door?

Does shouting work or do children eventually become numb to it and stop listening?

As an adult, if someone shouted at me, I would be more likely to ignore them and do the exact opposite of what was requested. I have often witnessed children who have clearly switched off and tuned out whilst the parent is still "gobbing off"

What is wrong with talking to children? surely if you make a habit of it, if and when on the very rare occasion you raise your voice, it probably serves the intended purpose.

Why parents want to normalise shouting is beyond me. If you take a look over on the relationships board you find posters berating people for shouting at their partners and the flak they give if you have dared to throw a plate at your husband is extraordinarily harsh.

So why the double standard. It's a far fairer fight between two adults whether it be physical or verbal. But for children, no it's fine "give em a little slap" as though children some how don't come into full human-hood until some unspecified age when we then have to acknowledge their rights. Would you slap or shout at another adult?

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xylem8 · 09/06/2013 17:09

' lady who told her dd to 'stop waving your toy around or the ladies in the shop will smack you'

..how can you possibly have come to the conclusion this is an abusive parent just from this

..and a child deliberately plonking themselves down on the lift floor would have got pretty short shrift from me too!

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Goldenbear · 09/06/2013 17:19

Why would they? 'short shrift'- are you living in the 1950's? I don't understand this kind of attitude that a lot of parents adopt where their children are always their adversaries. Why no just be 'civil'? Lead by example and get over yourself with your 'short shrift' nonsense!

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littlewhitebag · 09/06/2013 18:17

Given that this debate rages constantly on mumsnet the best advice i can give is to call SS with any concerns and let the professionals who have been trained to do the job decide if a child is being abused it not. I have a SW diploma, a post grad certificate in child protection and child welfare plus specialist child protection training for speaking to children. It sometimes just makes me fume the nonsense that is spouted on here by people who are well meaning but don't have any idea what child protection entails.

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scottishmummy · 09/06/2013 18:37

well yes.mn is full of armchair sw ready to decisively opine on everything
also the psychiatrists who can assess by reading posts and know who's narcisstic (usually ex-p)
and finally the mn police officers who decide the can tell who's bad un and proclaim guilt

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LuisSuarezTeeth · 09/06/2013 18:50

Good grief, if you can parent your children without EVER raising your voice, have a medal. In fact have 5!

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scottishmummy · 09/06/2013 19:09

have you read the op posts.her description isn't exasperated parent,raised voice
there is a significant difference between raised voice for shirt term effect /emphasis
compared to habitual rased voice and child fearful.

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MiniTheMinx · 09/06/2013 19:13

I haven't said it's possible to never raise your voice. I have said that if you very rarely shout, it might work. If you always shout it will end up like water off a ducks back. What then, shout louder or say more cruel things and issue threats.

And raising your voice is rather different to shouting or shrieking like a banshee.

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MiniTheMinx · 09/06/2013 19:15

And possible to raise your voice without being overly aggressive, its called being assertive I think.

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IneedAsockamnesty · 09/06/2013 19:22

And of course its perfectly ok to be a shouty yelling type of a parent but if you pit your child in clothes that look even a little tatty then you will be burnt at the stake.

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AlwaysWashing · 09/06/2013 19:24

Ridiculous to suggest "offering to help"! Op would have received a round of f's for her trouble at best. The real world does not have women gratefully swooning at your feet accepting your offer of a nutritious meal for their thin child and quick parenting chat. Please!

Particularly if you are not of the "to the point regardless" persuasion the confrontation likely to ensue would stop you in your tracks even if you did have the foggiest how to broach the situation in the first place.

I don't think the Op was being in any way judgy but commenting on what she encountered and how she felt about it.

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Goldenbear · 09/06/2013 19:38

You don't have to be an SW to have an opinion on anti-social behaviour. Personally, I have no desire to be an SW, armchair or otherwise. If a situation i am witness to is offensive, it is irrelevant what job I do, it is MY impression and as long as I can justify it, I'm free to make that observation.

My comments about 'short shrift' were made not to advise . I made them just because I don't like the implication of that expression. I don't need to be a SW to justify disliking it.

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LuisSuarezTeeth · 09/06/2013 19:42

Sometimes shouting is the only way to make them listen, Mini. Especially if they are about to damage themselves or others. Sometimes it gets the message across if they are misbehaving. I take your point, but it doesn't necessarily stop working.

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Ilikethebreeze · 09/06/2013 20:05

op, I agree. It is sad isnt it?
you may never know.
The only thing that may possibly happen now is if you come across the mum and toddler in town again.

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holly47 · 10/06/2013 06:45

How awful OP. It is so upsetting to see people behaving so aggressively towards their children. Such incidences stick in my mind for a long time afterwards. You feel so dreadfully sorry for the child concerned but so helpless at the same time.

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sydlexic · 10/06/2013 08:53

Maybe those who do not want to recognise abuse are scared they may be guilty of it?

Those that over step the mark are not necessarily evil. They may need help and that is probably more than a stranger can offer in a lift. Reporting to SS can help in many ways if the SW does their job properly. Even though I know of genuine bad experiences, I am sure most do.

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Doubtfuldaphne · 10/06/2013 09:00

To answer the person who said how is this possibly abuse, when the mum told the girl waving her toy around, no it's not abuse its crap parenting and the ladies in the shop looked really uncomfortable! It's just sad that's all

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