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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really effing pissed off with my husband

108 replies

indecisioniskillingme · 08/06/2013 08:35

DH and I have had a rocky year or so. The past few weeks we have been living apart 'sharing' ds 60/40ish.

It has been me initiating the separation and DH has consistently said he wants to try (but not really done anything except work on 'his' life - more time at the gym, more nights out etc - this is fine with me as part of the issue was that he had no life of his own.)

I moved back to the marital home yesterday. DH said he was really pleased. He was going out with friends last night so i knew i wouldnt see him and we had agreed we would be in separate rooms.

Ds (3yrs) came into my room this morning and had a chat and then asked where daddy was - I said he was in the other room and ds' face lit up and he went running into see his dad. He came back a minute later saying "daddy told me to go away because he had a late night". He looked absolutely gutted.

My heart broke a little for him. He hasn't seen his dad properly since Tuesday.

I am also pretty pissed off that he hasn't bothered to get up yet and say hello since I've moved back home because he wants to try.

I know it's still early but he wasn't drinking so won't be hungover and the last train gets home at midnight...

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
indecisioniskillingme · 08/06/2013 08:36

I mean it's fine with me that he's going out more, not fine that he's saying he wants to try but not doing anything...

OP posts:
onedev · 08/06/2013 08:41

Sorry things are tough. To me, it sounds like you know the answer in your heart already as if he can't be bothered to make an effort at this stage, it would seem unlikely that he'll make much effort going forward.

I think your name says it all Op, indecision isn't helping - you need up decide what you want & see it through, however hard that might be right now. Good luck.

RedHelenB · 08/06/2013 08:41

Yes. a bit. When I'm half awake I may say something that i don't really think about.

LindyHemming · 08/06/2013 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 08/06/2013 08:44

well he is nailing his colours to the mast isn't he? This is how it's going to be.

Put up with it, or ship out? Only you can decide.

CecilyP · 08/06/2013 08:54

It's only 8.30 on a Saturday; there are quite a lot of people who aren't up yet - especially after a night out. If it was a pre-arranged night out, it is just one of those unfortunate things that that was also the day you chose to get back together. I wouldn't allow this to derail your attempts to try again with your relationship.

EuroShaggleton · 08/06/2013 09:00

Er, it was 8.30 on a weekend day. He went out last night, and you say in your OP that developing more of his own life is a good thing. I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

Montybojangles · 08/06/2013 09:00

I would likey mumble something similar if I was abruptly woken after a late night. It takes at least 2 cups of tea/coffee before I start to be human on any day. At least let the bloke wake up before you start judging how hard he's trying!

Original poster
indecisioniskillingme · 08/06/2013 09:02

He's up now (as he had to work at 9 so he got up st 8.50). He said he didn't get up before work as he was tired and thought he could see me after work but that he wanted to be well rested. (I've been up since 3 thinking about my marriage!)

He said he didn't tell DS to go away but that he just said "daddy's tired and needs to go back to sleep".

He thinks I am being really unreasonable to be pissed off that he didn't get up and see me. He says he thought he could see me after work. (he's just got to work from home for one hour on a pre planned conference call.) he says that he saw ds on Thursday (he gave him breakfast and dropped him at nursery at 8am) and that he spent last weekend with him, and then said he thinks I am very unfair to use our child in this.

He has since apologised for not getting up to see me but I feel like it may have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

OP posts:
Original poster
indecisioniskillingme · 08/06/2013 09:04

Now reading some of the posts again I wonder if IABU!

Maybe I just have to listen to my gut though. Oh I'm so confused!

OP posts:
bulletwithbutterflywings · 08/06/2013 09:05

You sound like you don't want to be back with him tbh. You don't have to you know.

moogy1a · 08/06/2013 09:05

I think you're overeacting.

VBisme · 08/06/2013 09:09

I think YABU, but it sounds like that's because you don't really want to be in this situation.

It's not obligatory to keep trying at a marriage that isn't working. You deserve to be happy.

Montybojangles · 08/06/2013 09:10

Stop. YABU, really really U. you moved back in yesterday, knowing full well that he was going on a night out (something him not doing previously was an issue you have said) so really what did you expect? Him up at 6am making you breakfast in bed?

Did you tell him yesterday that you would like to spend some time with him this morning before he went to work? I doubt it. Men aren't mind readers, there aren't even hint readers. It's not his fault you have been lying there awake and stewing since 3am.

I suggest you talk properly about what you want. Without any resentment. Or maybe try relate if you want this to work. If you aren't prepared to give the man a chance why have you gone back?

KansasCityOctopus · 08/06/2013 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 08/06/2013 09:19

Why did you separate in the first place?

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 08/06/2013 09:24

YANBU.

It's not just that he's not making any effort - it's that he didn't want to see you this morning - your first morning back home. If I wanted someone back (as he says he does) I would have wanted to see them, I would have wanted to have breakfast with them and our child - I'd have been made up that you were home... why isn't he??

'I can see you tonight' - well thanks very fucking much?!

'I saw DS Thurday & last weekend' - and????

Nope - he'd be moving out this time - and staying out.

Original poster
indecisioniskillingme · 08/06/2013 09:46

That's how I feel chipping. I'm disappointed that he didn't WANT to get up and see me. Just makes me feel like he can't be that arsed. And I guess people saying I am looking for problems are maybe right.

I do love how mumsnet gives you the really balanced view though, monty post did make me think as well.

The reasons we separated seem complicated (lots of background stuff) but the crux of it was that I didn't feel I was getting any attention, didn't feel loved, didn't feel we connected, didn't fancy him, didnt feel he was putting anything into the realationship. When we talked a lot he realised he wanted to do more for himself and needed his own life (something I always encouraged but he never did). So now he has done really well at finding his own life, but not done anything about the 'us' stuff... Which just makes me feel more of the the stuff I felt in the beginning!!

OP posts:
Montybojangles · 08/06/2013 10:01

Ok, that helps a bit. I still stand by the don't expect too much first thing in the morning, as I really would struggle to even get out of bed earlier than needed even if George clooney was waiting in my kitchen. But I can see now why you might be reading so much into it from your last post.

Why not wait and see what the rest of the day brings. Do you have anything planned? If not Why not pack a simple picnic and just go somewhere nice for a few hours as a family, rather than just stay in. And do let him know again that he needs to be a little more attentive too, but not in a critisising way. Hold his hand when you walk if you don't already, it's simple contact, but nice, and it might prompt him a bit.

Montybojangles · 08/06/2013 10:03

Sp. criticizing, sorry.

SybilRamkin · 08/06/2013 10:10

YABU. A pre-planned night out that you knew about, and you're cross because he didn't get up to spend 'quality time' with you while he's knackered? FFS, get a grip. It sounds like you're looking for problems.

Original poster
indecisioniskillingme · 08/06/2013 10:14

We don't have anything planned. One of the problems was the he never planned or suggested anything for us to do - ever. And I have told him many times this is something that is important for me (I feel like I just drag him around).

He's not planned anything or suggested anything today.

I said that I needed to go to a little boutique in a nearby village to get a christening present for a friends baby and he said "I'll watch ds while you go".... Not anything about us all going, or maybe we could get lunch or something.i know he's not a mind reader and I should ask for that if that's what I want but I'm just fed up of always having to tell him what I need. I guess that's the crux of it.

And now I am upstairs online and he has finished his work and is downstairs drinking tea. I'm pissed off he's not come up to talk to me at all when I've asked how his night out was, how his week has been, whether he's been enjoying himself (in a friendly rather than interrogatory way!) and he has asked me NOTHING.

Maybe I am expecting too much but it seems clear to me that it will continue to be me making all the effort if we are to 'fix' it.

OP posts:
JackieTheFart · 08/06/2013 10:20

Personally, anyone runs the risk of feeling the sharp side of my tongue if they wake me up. I do try not to be so brusque but I genuinely can't help it. I think my mouth wakes up before my brain Blush. That aspect of your post would therefore not bother me.

The other things though...I don't know. I have to physically drag any conversation out of my DH if it's about our relationship and any difficulties. He would rather just pretend.

I genuinely don't know if YABU. But, even if YABU, if this is the end of the line where your relationship is concerned, possibly there's not a lot that can be done to salvage it.

CAF275 · 08/06/2013 10:25

YABU and sound very precious tbh. Maybe he wants to give you a bit of space as you've only just moved back in and might not want to feel badgered with constant attention.

Some people like to do all the suggesting/organising, some people don't. You seem to want him to completely alter a part of his personality, which is VU.

As for moaning about him not jumping to attention first thing on a Saturday morning after a night out - here's a grip, you clearly need it.

Montybojangles · 08/06/2013 10:33

Ha ha, I will die of old age (or boredom) if I wait for OH to ever arrange or organise anything. Realised that early on, and I just get on with it.

Why not tell him you want him to come along and then have a lunch somewhere today. As I said before, he can't read your mind.

Also tell him that from now on you would like every Friday night (or whenever) to be date night, where he either makes you a meal or orders a nice takeaway (by himself), complete with candles and set table. This gives him a task, so he clearly knows what's expected, and you get pampered a little. make a bit of effort to dress up and pamper yourself beforehand. Give it a whirl, and hopefully he will slowly expand upon the theme when he realises how much you enjoy it.