To be really effing pissed off with my husband

[indecisioniskillingme]

DH and I have had a rocky year or so. The past few weeks we have been living apart 'sharing' ds 60/40ish.

It has been me initiating the separation and DH has consistently said he wants to try (but not really done anything except work on 'his' life - more time at the gym, more nights out etc - this is fine with me as part of the issue was that he had no life of his own.)

I moved back to the marital home yesterday. DH said he was really pleased. He was going out with friends last night so i knew i wouldnt see him and we had agreed we would be in separate rooms.

Ds (3yrs) came into my room this morning and had a chat and then asked where daddy was - I said he was in the other room and ds' face lit up and he went running into see his dad. He came back a minute later saying "daddy told me to go away because he had a late night". He looked absolutely gutted.

My heart broke a little for him. He hasn't seen his dad properly since Tuesday.

I am also pretty pissed off that he hasn't bothered to get up yet and say hello since I've moved back home because he wants to try.

I know it's still early but he wasn't drinking so won't be hungover and the last train gets home at midnight...

AIBU?

It seems you are going to be permanently angry that he doesn't do things he has no hope in hell of guessing he's supposed to do. If you were doing this deliberately, rather than through stupidity, it would be bullying/emotional abuse.

Some people women have agreed with you. What's the more reasonable mental failure: him not being psychic, or you being angry with him for him not being psychic?

LondonMan: Stupidity - really?
That is very mean.

A lot of the things you are mentioning are pretty normal man behaviour - not suggesting you go out for lunch, not coming upstairs to speak to you etc. I think you need to be a bit less unrealistic about what you want from the marriage.

You want him to change his personality and suddenly start thinking of the things you want him to do, so that you don't have to ask him. It's really unreasonable.

Don't know any of the history, of course, but the things you mention is this thread are very normal man behaviour and not dealbreakers, and it sounds a bit... well... spoiled really, that you want him to change so much for you. You're setting him up to fail. Do you not like him as he is? It really doesn't sound like you do (and don't fancy him either apparently) so why are you with him?

If you wanted to go out to lunch you should just have told him. Wanting him to suggest it and stewing because, like most men out there, he didn't read your mind is not very mature.

Thanks so much for the posts....

This morning prompted a conversation and he has ultimately said he doesn't want to try and fix "us" and he doesn't want to be in the marriage.

I respect his honesty.

Now we just need to do the best or our wonderful ds and I trust him to do that with me.

Guess I'll head back to the relationships board!

I still don't think I was BU this morning!!!

FOR our wonderful ds

(typo!)

Oh

How do you feel about that?

Wow. How do you feel?

So you moved back in because he wanted to 'try' but within the first 24hrs he's decided actually he doesn't? At least you know now.

I feel ok.
Sad, and GUTTED about my ds but I feel ok for me.

I would be pretty pissed off/hurt a la "Oh, well, thanks for letting me know 24 hours after I moved back in b/c you wanted to try" but I'm glad he was straightforward with you, this sounded like it was going to take months of him waffling around not working on figuring out the best decision. I'm sorry but I'm glad you already feel like you'll be okay on your own (as you will).

Have you had any couples consoling? Even if you are still going to break up I'd would be beneficial to make sure you have covered all basis first.
Epically as it seems that it is more just general apathy in the relationships rather then any one specific problem.

Small beer not but I don't think YABU, if he doesn't make an effort on your first day back, when will he?
He wasn't hungover; OP said he hadn't been drinking and she has articulated what she wanted when they agreed a trial separation.
I hope he can be a good father to DS and that you find the support you need for the separation Indecision.

But one of OP's main problems was that he "didn't have his own life" so how can you be upset that he went out.

I think so many problems could be avoided if people actually said what they mean and communicated properly.

Sorry you're going through this OP. Best of luck.

Hes just not used to getting up.

Thanks everyone for the concern. I have good friends and family close by and will have ds with me most of the time so I will get support.

DH, hmmm, H says he thinks it will take a month for him to find somewhere to live which I think I will find hard - but trying to keep things ok for ds sake.

I didn't mind AT ALL that he went out, but as he was home by midnight (sober) and knew he had to work at 9 I did think he might have set his alarm for 8.30 and gotten up to have breakfast with me and ds. Or at least that he would WANT to see us.

I appreciate the point at counselling but I don't actually want to go. I don't want to fix it either and I don't want to be with a man who doesn't REALLY REALLY love me.

I am also pleased he let me know soon that he didn't want to try. He said he felt he 'should' want to but didn't see the point of dragging it out as he doesn't want to try. I respect that and I don't want to waste my life flogging a relationship that isn't going to get better... I have been trying for years!!

Onwards.... Slightly scared but also excited

Thanks laqueen - good advice.... 22 yrs :)

There were plenty more problems and I did always ask for what I needed but in the end it became so soul destroying not getting it.

On the due date of my miscarriage I said to him the night before "I'm telling you it was the baby's due date tomorrow and I am feeling really sad about it so I want to tell you so you know I will need you tomorrow"

He went off to work in the morning and didn't say anything to me all day, all evening at all. Nothing. Fair enough I could have reminded him when he got home and told him what i needed but I really don't think I should have to ask every second of every day for what I need. That incident really really upset me :(

It is the right decision. I know it in my heart

Totally agree with LaQueen, you need to tell him what you want. After 1 failed marriage (mainly due to lack of communication), I am very clear with DH about what I want and need, and he reacts in teh same way.

Obviously there are occasional compromises, but we can work through that - second guessing someone is an impossible task.

it is possible to raise a child together when you are separated. one of my best friends parents split when she was 8 because they realised the marriage didn't work. They remained very good friends as they had decided it was better to raise their dd as friends rather than enemies living in the same house. I cannot begin to understand how hard this will be for you all but i wish you all the best.

You left the guy. You've come back on uncertain terms, your decision to sleep in separate rooms etc and you're asking why he hasn't leapt out of bed, joyous to see you...?

Read the thread Balaboosta!

Thanks halfspam

Feeling a little it delicate today. Can't look at ds' little face without wanting to sob.

He hadn't seen his ds for days yet sent him away when he came in to say hello to his daddy? I know it's one isolated incident but he sounds like a coldfish oddball to me. I was a sahm yet I loved seeing ds's little face in the mornings, it didn't matter how tired I was. Parents have to get used to functioning while very tired. What happens if your ds is ill first thing in the morning when he has him? Will he sleep through and ignore it? I think you and ds will probably be much happier without him.

Sorry - thought I had. It's moving too fast! Well done on coming to a decision and good luck, OP.