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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really effing pissed off with my husband

108 replies

indecisioniskillingme · 08/06/2013 08:35

DH and I have had a rocky year or so. The past few weeks we have been living apart 'sharing' ds 60/40ish.

It has been me initiating the separation and DH has consistently said he wants to try (but not really done anything except work on 'his' life - more time at the gym, more nights out etc - this is fine with me as part of the issue was that he had no life of his own.)

I moved back to the marital home yesterday. DH said he was really pleased. He was going out with friends last night so i knew i wouldnt see him and we had agreed we would be in separate rooms.

Ds (3yrs) came into my room this morning and had a chat and then asked where daddy was - I said he was in the other room and ds' face lit up and he went running into see his dad. He came back a minute later saying "daddy told me to go away because he had a late night". He looked absolutely gutted.

My heart broke a little for him. He hasn't seen his dad properly since Tuesday.

I am also pretty pissed off that he hasn't bothered to get up yet and say hello since I've moved back home because he wants to try.

I know it's still early but he wasn't drinking so won't be hungover and the last train gets home at midnight...

AIBU?

OP posts:
Iamsparklyknickers · 08/06/2013 13:18

I agree that it's not enough for him to recognise there's a problem then carry on is his merry way - not if it's making you this unhappy. Some couples can work even if that's the case.

It sounds clinical, but if you set a specific time period for 'make or break' and see what happens? If I were you I'd be thinking along the lines of doing what I want and making it clear that I want him to be involved. I wouldn't go out of my way to accommodate him, but leave it as an open invitation for him to make the effort to join in. I'd also be living by the mantra of 'I am responsible for my own happiness, and I can only change my reactions'.

Spell it out to him at the beginning and clearly state that if you still aren't happy by xxx, the only real option for all of your sakes is to split properly. It can't continue and you're not prepared to live the rest of your life out like this.

It's very sad, but sometimes saddness is unavoidable, the only way to cure it is to take the most difficult option.

MulberryJane · 08/06/2013 13:19

Indecision, you deserve better tbh. You shouldn't feel lonely in your marriage, no one has the right to make you feel that way. I posted earlier but after reading your more recent post I think you've put up with a lot and it's not the recent events that are making you feel bad, but the past ones. Yes, you are setting him up to fail but I think that's his own fault. He recognises that you try and he doesn't, kick him out and you and your DS will be happier. Don't let his poor behaviour mar the precious, early years of your sosn's life, you should be very happy right now. Good luck.

wellcoveredsparerib · 08/06/2013 13:33

what made you return so soon after embarking on a trial seperation op?

tootdelafruit · 08/06/2013 13:40

I agree with looking through the fog. I was surprised when you said that he had gone ahead with his night out even though you had just moved back in (which is a pretty big step for a marriage that is on the rocks)

Original poster
indecisioniskillingme · 08/06/2013 14:43

I went back cause I was finding it hard living out of a bag and felt like I wasn't getting anywhere with things. I thought if I was back in the house I could decide one way or not if I was happy with him or not.

I was fine without him as it turns out... Although 3 weeks is different to the rest of my life isn't it

OP posts:
tootdelafruit · 08/06/2013 14:48

you will still be fine without him for the rest of your life if that's what you decide. it mightn't seem like it now but it's not something undoable. i'm doing it now Smile

Original poster
indecisioniskillingme · 08/06/2013 14:50

Thanks toot - it just seems so sad but then I think of all the incidents that have made me feel lonely and sad and I think I could be happier on my own.
I just feel terribly guilty for ds :(

OP posts:
Original poster
indecisioniskillingme · 08/06/2013 14:51

toot - what o you mean by "it not something undoable"

OP posts:
PearlyWhites · 08/06/2013 14:53

Yabu

tootdelafruit · 08/06/2013 14:56

I mean a life without being married to and living with him isn't something you cant do. it might be unthinkable now- you might be thinking "but how could I cope with money, childcare, cutting the grass, sorting my life insurance (whatever it is that he usually does)" but you WILL be able to do all those things for yourself. and mentally and emotionally you can do it too. it is entirely 'do-able'

tootdelafruit · 08/06/2013 14:59

the guilt about your DS is normal- but guilt is not a good enough reason to remain in an unhappy relationship. you need and deserve more than that and your ds deserves and needs to know that he should expect to have relationships he is happy in and not ones that are full of resentment held together by guilt. my dcs are a tiny bit older and they know that mum and dad just weren't happy together and wanted to be the best parents we could be but the arguing meant we were too unhappy to be good parents.

wellcoveredsparerib · 08/06/2013 15:00

it all sounds very muddled op. surely the point of a trial seperation is to decide if you want to continue in a relationship and perhaps do some renegotiation around that. from what you say you just got fed up of being at your parents and moved back without having any clearer idea then when you moved out. your dh is probably not sure where he stands and waiting for you to talk to him.

HumphreyCobbler · 08/06/2013 15:01

So he wanted you to move back in? Then couldn't be bothered to get up and see you. Couldn't be bothered to cuddle his son at 8.30 in the morning. Couldn't be bothered to drink a cup of tea with you. Couldn't be bothered to arrange to do something together, even though you have clearly specified that his unwillingness to do exactly that is a real problem in your relationship.

I would be upset to OP. What he was doing the night before is pretty irrelevant. I would think he should be trying really hard to save his marriage.

HumphreyCobbler · 08/06/2013 15:02

too even.

Sorry, I hope I wasn't too damning there. It is just I can't see how you are being unreasonable in any way and I think I was reacting to those who think you were.

Original poster
indecisioniskillingme · 08/06/2013 15:20

That is how I feel humphrey....

Thanks for explaining toot - it makes total sense.

well covered - I did get to the place where I wanted to leave, then he told me he wanted us to try. So I went home as I felt I owed it to ds to have tried everything I could. I was still hoping last night that maybe things could be different. I guess I am just pissed off he's able to do all this work on the stuff for "him" which improves his life, but none of the stuff for us which improves our life or our relationship.

OP posts:
tootdelafruit · 08/06/2013 15:28

I also speak as someone who 'tried again' for another two years after a 3 year split just to be sure I had given it every chance for my Dc's sakes. I had to be sure I hadn't given up prematurely and that if there was a chance he and I just needed to work harder at it and get onto the same page then I owed it to my dcs to try. I did try- we both did but we both were miserable and knew we had to call it a day. I think we both knew all along that there would be an end to it but we both stalled as long as we could.

Concreteblonde · 08/06/2013 15:42

I think that you have checked out of your marriage and the poor bloke doesn't stand a chance. Whatever he does do or doesn't do will be wrong. But you cannot confuse your child any longer by running home because you don't like living out of a bag. You ALL deserve to be happy and you will be once you acknowledge that your marriage is over and you get yourself settled in a new home and rebuild your life without feeling constantly let down by his actions. I still think that it's really odd that you had an issue with him not having a life but now that he's got one you don't like that either.

HumphreyCobbler · 08/06/2013 15:45

I don't think he sounds like a poor bloke. He sounds like a bloke who can't be arsed to let his little son come into bed for a cuddle, when his son has moved back into the family house that very day and his son is excited to see him. He wasn't even drinking the night before. It was eight thirty, hardly the crack of dawn.

I feel gutted for that little boy tbh.

LaQueen · 08/06/2013 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wellcoveredsparerib · 08/06/2013 16:15

op, you say you went home because he said he wanted to try again and you felt you should for your DC sake - understandable. but are you expecting him to make all the effort to fix things? from your previous posts it does sound as if there is not much left to save.

HumphreyCobbler · 08/06/2013 16:18

But they have just moved back in...he said he wanted them back. I think people are forgetting this in looking at the situation. It is the context that is key here, I think.

My DH will have a late night tonight and I will make sure that the DC do not wake him in the morning. This is a normal thing to happen in a ordinary household who are lucky enough not to be going through a traumatic trial separation.

The OP and her DH have nearly split up and he doesn't seem at all pleased to have them back.

quesadilla · 08/06/2013 16:19

I can understand why you would feel as you do but to be fair to him you have been encouraging him to go out and do more and he's done more. This was, presumably a pre-arranged night out and he has been woken early with a hangover. He had told your son, not unkindly, thatge wants to go to sleep again.

I can see why this would smart, a day after moving back, but I think you would be a bit U to turn it into a major issue

If you don't want to move back in, don't. But if you want to give it a go, don't let something relatively trivial derail it this soon.

LoSiento · 08/06/2013 16:19

At any rate he sounds like a crap dad, how difficult is it to give a 3 year old a cuddle whilst you're in bed? Also I'd be more inclined to believe the child that he was in fact told to 'go away', kids that age don't arbitrarily exaggerate or change the wording of things like that.

livinginwonderland · 08/06/2013 17:17

You need to communicate with him. He's not a mind reader. You can't expect him to instinctively get up early (when he does't NEED to) to see you before work if you haven't spoken to him about it. You then mention about wanting to go to a boutique but he didn't offer to come with you - uh, most men wouldn't! I see that he did you a favour there by offering to look after DS so you could go and shop and take your time without having to keep a six year old amused.

Does it really matter that he doesn't organise anything, really? My DP is awful at organising anything and half the plans we do make go out of the window because of the weather or one of us is tired or doesn't feel upto it, but I don't sulk about it. If I want to go out for dinner, I bring it up. If he wants to stay in and watch a movie, he'll say so. Besides, some people like to just relax and "be" on the weekends - DP is like that, whereas I have to be doing something, so often we'll do our own thing and then have dinner or something later. It's not hard.

Cherriesarelovely · 08/06/2013 17:48

Sorry OP this must be a really upsetting time for you. I must admit I didn't read the part about going to the shop before. I guess it is a little bit U to expect him to want to come with you....my DP would but we are both women so maybe that makes a difference!

I think as Humphrey says this is about context. livinginwonderland, no you wouldn't expect someone to get up earlier for no reason but he had a very good reason to get up early. It was a very significant morning and not only did he not get up he couldn't be bothered to greet his son on a very important day. I think what OP is saying is that this feels like an incident that sums up where their relationship is at and she doesn't feel happy with that.

In a similar way my DP did this last night and it made me feel very happy about our relationship because it is typical of her. I have a health problem and was having a bad night with it last night. In the morning I told my DP about my bad night and she said "You should've woken me....I want to be there for you for moral support".

I have been in a similar situation to yours OP in my last relationship and I understand how upsetting it is. The straw that broke the camels back in our case was a single incident but it summed up the relationship and gave me that moment of clarity to move on.