AIBU to not clean to the standards that my near-freak husband seems to expect....

[gettngbetter]

We had a big fight tonight and DH is sleeping in the spare room.

When I came home from work I was in great form as the weather is so good and I was looking forward to both of us doing something with the kids - but DH was a bit grumpy and he put me in a bad mood. He had the day off work and was out with the kids and although he loves spending time with them - I think the stress of it was getting to him. Whenever I said something to him he was giving one word answers.

I was anxious to get going before the sun went down - but DH said he had to load the dishwasher or else he would have to do it when he got home. He thinks he has to do everything and I'm lazy (which is not true)

DH is a neat freak. I like to have the place clean - but I'm prepared to tolerate some clutter if it means I have more time to bring the kids to the park or the playground or read them stories etc. I feel life is to short to be stressing out about having the house immaculate.

When I come home from work in the evenings I always have a list of jobs to do like getting the clothes & bags ready for the next day - making dinner - ironing - picking up the mess from the morning - etc etc. I also spend time reading to the kids. DH works late a lot - often until 10.30 or 11. I never have time for myself to do exercise or relax or anything. It's just endless jobs!!

i feel when DH is giving out about poor him having to do everything that he is implying I'm lazy and dirty!!! He gets a bit annoyed if I leave dirty plates at the sink. When he's working away I let a few dirty plates build up and then I load the dishwasher - is that so bad????

Anyway, after DH was giving out about having to load the dishwasher i told him to cheer up and he marched out to the car with the kids - closing the door - leaving me behind. Then I saw him driving out the gate. I know it was childish but I unloaded the dishwasher and put everything back in the sink and also

I'm talking about leaving a couple of plates (scrapped clean) and a maybe a glass and a fork at the sink - not a sink load of dirty dishes.

I'd prefer to spend time with the children instead of stressing about the house.

I am actually am clean - just not obsessional.

gettngbetter I think the same as you about spending valuable time with dc's when they are young rather than insisting the house is immaculate.

I am constantly telling dp that our dd is not going to look back on her childhood and thank him for providing her with neatly tidied away toys or constantly swept floors, she is going to wonder why we don't have any photos of us together out and about making memories.

This to me is far more important but as we haven't been out together since christmas due to cleaning/tidying jobs that MUST be done I feel I am wasting my time but that's a whole other thread I might start one day.

A couple of things on the side is obviously fine. We tend to leave things until after meal and just do it then. same as with washing up

My standards are lower than DH. I used to feel guilty when he did stuff when I was a SAHM, after spending long hours at work. Until I realised that my house is clean and reasonably tidy and even with all the time in the world and complete boredom, I still wouldn't waste my time doing things to his unreasonable standard. At that point I was able to stand back and think- well if its that important to you then get on with it.

You can actually tidy up while spending quality time with the DC. My younger children paint at the kitchen table and I owlish the grantite or clean the kitchen cupboards or whatever.

It's entirely reasonable to say you aren't going to tidy up because you don't deem it necessary but it's unreasonable to blame your DC.

Yes but you can't take them out at the same time as cleaning. I am quite happy to let dd play whilst I clean but occasionally it would be nice to go out as a family without having to do the hoovering instead.

Cleaners are cheaper than solicitors.

And a lot more useful.

Sounds as if your standards are perfectly reasonable and he wants uber-clean. He can make it uber-clean, then. You do normal standards, your fair share, he does whatever he needs to get it up to his thing.

YY -- it is the idea that he can dictate to you how he wants the house, and expect you to comply that is all wrong here. He is not the boss of you. You do not answer to him. Similarly, expressions of criticism of your standards are unacceptable. If he finds a sinkful of plates then he either walks away from it or he gets it all into the dishwasher and he keeps his mouth firmly shut and does it cheerfully.

If he plays put upon diddums forced to do things around the house that you are too lazy to get around to then that is a big problem, because basically he has not realised that nobody is forcing him to do anything but himself.

I'm talking about leaving a couple of plates (scrapped clean) and a maybe a glass and a fork at the sink - not a sink load of dirty dishes.

I'm inclined to think you're underplaying this, perhaps inadvertantly. After all, you did deliberately put all the plates back into the sink.

It sounds as though you both need to sit down and discuss this. You're supposed to love each other.
He maybe needs to accept his neatness standard his higher than yours and maybe most people and if he wants the house that tidy then he has to do it and not moan as it's a choice he is making to have things super tidy and not your choice.
You need to accept that he hates dirty dishes lying around and just put things in the dishwasher when they are dirty. If you have more than 1 item why would you put it in the sink rather than in the dishwasher? If you'd helped him load the dishwasher and tidy stuff away it would only have taken a few minutes, why do you feel putting stuff in the dishwasher is such a mammoth chore?
Opening the door and putting stuff in just takes seconds and then flies can't get at them. I hate slimy dishes left in water in a sink. A couple of forks and a mug on the unit fine, several plates and mugs in a sink of slimy water yuk.
Also YABU for telling him to "cheer up".

My ex was like that. By the time he walked out the kids no longer had toys out, I no longer invited people and we did nothing but clean. Every day I would make my kids sit down and watch tv just before their dad came home so I could clean everything. He would still shout because it was never clean enough. He ended up hitting me due to the perceived mess.

The day he left a pen fell on the floor. The kids rushed to pick it up but I stopped them. It stayed there for two weeks. My house is now normal but a little messy. The important thing is though that my boys can finally play with things and not be afraid of shouting if they leave things out.

Mathanxiety I love that!

My mantra from now on whenever DH tells me we can't have a cleaner any longer is going to be 'Cleaners are cheaper than solicitors and a lot more uselful'

Not putting stuff into the dishwasher straight away is just creating a job that needn't be one.

Then again, does anyone want to come and sort out my sock and pant mountain? Now that has to be the most boring job ever.

It's as simple as this - if he doesn't like your standard of cleanliness then he does it himself.

It doesn't matter if you could tidy while you spend time with your kids- if you don't want to don't. It's his problem not yours.
Sometimes my house is messy sometimes tidy it doesn't bother me or DH. If it bothers your DH then he does it himself.
I think think the tips on how you could tidy more efficiently are a bit rich frankly.

Laqueen, I do agree with you. My home is tidy and it is clean - I don't like mess.

My ex though was something else, it was like he didn't like life. Sad really.

Completely agree with tobiasfunke

But it sounds like the OP is making most of the effort to find that happy medium. She's said that she likes to have a clean and tidy house, she's said that she does most of the cleaning after she gets home from work. Her husband is the one blowing up and ruining family days out because things aren't done exactly to his preferences.

But the thing is the OP is happy with a few dishes in the sink - there is nothing wrong with a few dishes in the sink. If the OP's DH isn't happy with that he puts them in the dishwasher himself not throw a strop and run off with the kids.
She feels her house is clean and tidy enough- he doesn't. So why should she have to do more tidying to reach his standards because he throws a wobbly. Mopping the floor for her sister coming is weird. I think OP's way sounds way more normal than her DH's.

LaQueen that is what I do on the days I don't work but it gets to the weekend and I will say to dp shall we go out and he will reply with 'no I want to clean the bathroom'. Now in all honesty having your dp choose that over spending time with you doesn't tend to make you feel great.

I am all for doing jobs whilst she is napping/in bed and like you her swimming stuff is always washed and put straight back in the bag etc but he seems to need a spotless house before we can do anything else.

I've known a few people whose homes could be described as shit pits, and they've never been happy with the chaos, and it did seem a refection of what was going on in their heads.

I'm not saying people who are anally controlling neat and tidy are superior and have a better organised brain although they have but there is something to be said for being able to walk across the room. (not suggesting the OP or any posters on here live in shit holes apart from LaQ - I bet she fucking does!

I suggest you think about whether your partner might have some form of obsessive compulsive personality disorder. It's NOT the same as OCD at all. It's basically being a controlling perfectionist, and their behaviour stems from a compulsion to control things and people around them.

Your partner sounds very much like mine, and he definitely ticks all the OCPD boxes. There are strategies for dealing with people like this, but they'll never change. (Mainly because they never think they have a problem, they think everyone ELSE has a problem).

To come at this from another angle, I'm friends with a couple whose wife is like this. He just has normal attitudes towards cleaning/tidying - ie. clean and tidy is ideal, imperfection is tolerable. It's caused a lot of stress for them and their family. The compromise they reached is that a select area of the house (upstairs bathroom, study, bedroom) is to be as pristine as she likes, and she is to keep it that way, the rest of the house is cleaned and tidied to his reasonable standard. She spends more time upstairs when she is feeing flustered/grumpy. That works for them, but you have to have quite a big living space to put it into practise.

I don't see why anyone puts dishes in the sink unless they are pans that have to soak, and then I prefer them filled with water on the unit next to the sink. I would hate to live with someone who left the sink constantly full of crap as it would mean the sink was unusable unless I cleaned away their crap first and I hate sinks half full of luke warm dirty water.
If you can't be bothered opening the dishwasher and putting stuff in it then just leave the pots in a pile next to the dishwasher. Don't clutter up the sink.