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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not clean to the standards that my near-freak husband seems to expect....

105 replies

gettngbetter · 08/06/2013 00:01

We had a big fight tonight and DH is sleeping in the spare room.

When I came home from work I was in great form as the weather is so good and I was looking forward to both of us doing something with the kids - but DH was a bit grumpy and he put me in a bad mood. He had the day off work and was out with the kids and although he loves spending time with them - I think the stress of it was getting to him. Whenever I said something to him he was giving one word answers.

I was anxious to get going before the sun went down - but DH said he had to load the dishwasher or else he would have to do it when he got home. He thinks he has to do everything and I'm lazy (which is not true)

DH is a neat freak. I like to have the place clean - but I'm prepared to tolerate some clutter if it means I have more time to bring the kids to the park or the playground or read them stories etc. I feel life is to short to be stressing out about having the house immaculate.

When I come home from work in the evenings I always have a list of jobs to do like getting the clothes & bags ready for the next day - making dinner - ironing - picking up the mess from the morning - etc etc. I also spend time reading to the kids. DH works late a lot - often until 10.30 or 11. I never have time for myself to do exercise or relax or anything. It's just endless jobs!!

i feel when DH is giving out about poor him having to do everything that he is implying I'm lazy and dirty!!! He gets a bit annoyed if I leave dirty plates at the sink. When he's working away I let a few dirty plates build up and then I load the dishwasher - is that so bad????

Anyway, after DH was giving out about having to load the dishwasher i told him to cheer up and he marched out to the car with the kids - closing the door - leaving me behind. Then I saw him driving out the gate. I know it was childish but I unloaded the dishwasher and put everything back in the sink and also

OP posts:
TeapotsInJune · 08/06/2013 08:18

My husband was like this. The strange thing was he wasn't clean but couldn't bear clutter. There would be inches of dust on surfaces yet he'd react in horror at toys left out. Would snatc h drinks off you the second you'd finished. It was awful but what eventually drive us apart was that he never spent any time with me. We both worked full time so after a long day then bathing and putting DD to bed I wanted to spend some time with him but he was constantly crashing about in the kitchen or the garden at weekends.

I do get very lonely though.

TeapotsInJune · 08/06/2013 08:18

Sorry about the typos; am on an ipad

Fairylea · 08/06/2013 08:18

Another one that agrees with buzzard.

I can't stand having mess around. It just means I can't relax and enjoy time with the kids as it means I have more to do when I get back. You should have both sorted everything out before you went out, with two of you doing it it would take minutes.

I also never leave plates on the work top or in the sink. Everything goes in the dishwasher as we go. Even my 9 year old puts her things in. Then there isn't even a job of loading the dishwasher as its already done!

GoblinGranny · 08/06/2013 08:26

if it really bothers him, then he has several choices to enable him to function.
He can do the work himself, and you can co-operate by falling in with his more sane ideas on how to keep things tidy and point out the idiocy of the others.
You can draw up a plan together of who will do what, you don't mention how old the children are, but in Nursery and Reception, tidying up is part of a routine.
You can hire a cleaner to do certain areas thoroughly.
Disclaimer: Open warfare is also a choice, but rarely solves the problem. Grin

Original poster
gettngbetter · 08/06/2013 10:26

Some people seem to feel sorry for DH because I won't keep the place as immaculate as he expects. The thing is that I'm quite a clean person myself - but his idea of cleaning is on another level.

When I say that I leave dishes at the sink - what I mean is they are scrapped clean and neatly stacked - it's not completely disgusting looking. Why should I have to open the dishwasher everything I use a cup or a spoon. It's nice to be able to feel relaxed in your home and not constantly trying to keep the place pristine.

I always say to DH that its meant to be our home - not a sterile laboratory!

We split the housework very well - I nerve do the floors or the windows - he never does the bathrooms or the ironing. So I'm not lazy!

OP posts:
Mintyy · 08/06/2013 10:38

Do any of you lot who have to have the house immaculate at all times understand how stressful it is for the more relaxed majority of us to have to live with you? Op has already pointed out how hard she works - her dh is at work until late every week night - what more do you want from her?

I feel really sorry for you op. Your dh behaved unforgivably.

FutTheShuckUp · 08/06/2013 10:42

Im sorry but 'you're lucky that he helps'???
WTAF? So people should feel blessed if an adult member of a household does chores around the place they live?

LEMisdisappointed · 08/06/2013 10:50

Wow - you think highly of your wife don't you london man? Hmm

OP - there is a simple solution to this, it does sound like you both have a lot on your plates - you can live with the clutter, he can't - but its not that, just get a cleaner. Its worth it - i wish i could afford one.

Original poster
gettngbetter · 08/06/2013 10:52

Can't really afford a cleaner - our childcare costs are quite high as DCs are young - at the end if the m

OP posts:
Original poster
gettngbetter · 08/06/2013 10:54

...sorry - posted too quick again
Meant to say at the end if the month we don't have much money left. Between us both we get a lot of the cleaning done - but if he'd just stop getting annoyed about it then it wouldn't be a problem

OP posts:
Original poster
gettngbetter · 08/06/2013 10:55

Also - I don't at all l

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 08/06/2013 11:07

It's probably a control mechanism. I look back at my dear old mum and her slightly obsessive ways that were "just mum" when we were growing up, I can see now were a form of OCD and her security blanket.

For example, before going to bed, all the cushions would have to be straightened up, the coffee table realigned appropriately, all cups etc washed up, dried up and put away (no dishwasher) all bins emptied. Same ritual if we were ever going out - you never left things in a state because it was unpleasant to have to come home a messy house.

There were lots of other little things too - my brother confessed he used to move all her ornaments a few centimetres or turn them slightly off centre because he found it funny that she would immediately notice and straighten them up again!

I can be quite obsessive about certain things - things I can control - tins lined up in cupboards (god help anyone if they move my tins out of line), rearranging shampoo bottles etc in the bath room - the bigger things I let go - I know I wont get my house back to my standards until all the children have left home, by which time I will be too old and senile to care Grin.

I do have a bit of a sink thing going on though - piles of dirty crockery drive me dipshit. When I get in from work I want a cup of coffee - therefore if the sink is chokka with manky dishes and cups, I cant fill the kettle. Pure laziness to not put something in the dishwasher rather than expect someone else to come and clean up behind you. It's slovenly.

KeatsiePie · 08/06/2013 11:08

Well, it sounds like you do a lot and he's not so much in need of a few islands of calm clear space after all! Still I really hope a talk about how hard you are both working and the need to give each other some credit, and a check of priorities, will help. Sorry just repeating my first post now Grin but I do think a lot of it is just everyone feeling overworked and underappreciated. You sound like you are solid and happy underneath, unless I am misreading, so hopefully can just recalibrate the values.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 08/06/2013 11:08

LondonMan, does she take the kids with her? My house would be effortlessly tidy if it weren't for having two children!

Op he behaved exceptionally badly. It sounds like you are both very, very tired.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 08/06/2013 11:09

Sorry, meant to add, yanbu.

lljkk · 08/06/2013 11:12

Friend is married to a guy with OCD about cleanliness and she just lets him get on with it. That have had it out loudly & long ago agreed to disagree. She cleans up to her standards and he can tidy up & clean all over again after them at the end of the day if he wants. That's the deal if he wants the family to stay together. They seem to have found a peaceful way thru their differences.

Cravingdairy · 08/06/2013 11:19

You can only put dishes in the dishwasher as you go if it has been emptied or more accurately if you have had time to empty it. Ours doesn't usually get emptied and refilled until after dinner the next day because that's when we get round to it. Not perfect housekeeping possibly but slovenly is a bit much.

GoblinGranny · 08/06/2013 11:24

Exactly so lljkk.
Relationships need to be about compromise. Equal compromise from all parties.

Smartieaddict · 08/06/2013 11:50

I think this is a difficult one. You are perfectly within your rights not to clean to the level your DH wants OP. The problem is that your DH is perfectly within his rights to want the house immaculate. He can't demand you do it, but I can see how it is difficult for both sides, and would end up leaving you both feeling frustrated. It is just a matter of differing priorities.

I am not sure what the answer is. I think a good starting point would be to accept you both have a legitimate point of view, and sit down and discuss the best way for you to both get what you want, or at least close enough to keep you happy.

edam · 08/06/2013 13:11

Sounds as if your standards are perfectly reasonable and he wants uber-clean. He can make it uber-clean, then. You do normal standards, your fair share, he does whatever he needs to get it up to his thing.

ApocalypseThen · 08/06/2013 13:58

Yeah, I think it's find for him to want the house to be immaculate, but not fine for him to expect you to take on the extra work to make it happen.

Dawndonna · 08/06/2013 14:15

I was talking to one of my son's friends the other day. They're 28 now, and he was saying about how he saw his dad the other day and he was still more interested in the cleaning than him and his new daughter.
So, clean freaks, strike a balance because the kids will remember when they're older.

LaQueen · 08/06/2013 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 08/06/2013 15:41

What would happen if the things you rely on as being where they should be, aren't, LaQ?

LaQueen · 08/06/2013 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.