AIBU to not clean to the standards that my near-freak husband seems to expect....

[gettngbetter]

We had a big fight tonight and DH is sleeping in the spare room.

When I came home from work I was in great form as the weather is so good and I was looking forward to both of us doing something with the kids - but DH was a bit grumpy and he put me in a bad mood. He had the day off work and was out with the kids and although he loves spending time with them - I think the stress of it was getting to him. Whenever I said something to him he was giving one word answers.

I was anxious to get going before the sun went down - but DH said he had to load the dishwasher or else he would have to do it when he got home. He thinks he has to do everything and I'm lazy (which is not true)

DH is a neat freak. I like to have the place clean - but I'm prepared to tolerate some clutter if it means I have more time to bring the kids to the park or the playground or read them stories etc. I feel life is to short to be stressing out about having the house immaculate.

When I come home from work in the evenings I always have a list of jobs to do like getting the clothes & bags ready for the next day - making dinner - ironing - picking up the mess from the morning - etc etc. I also spend time reading to the kids. DH works late a lot - often until 10.30 or 11. I never have time for myself to do exercise or relax or anything. It's just endless jobs!!

i feel when DH is giving out about poor him having to do everything that he is implying I'm lazy and dirty!!! He gets a bit annoyed if I leave dirty plates at the sink. When he's working away I let a few dirty plates build up and then I load the dishwasher - is that so bad????

Anyway, after DH was giving out about having to load the dishwasher i told him to cheer up and he marched out to the car with the kids - closing the door - leaving me behind. Then I saw him driving out the gate. I know it was childish but I unloaded the dishwasher and put everything back in the sink and also

Hahaha

Good answer.

Thanks LaQueen for the support and yes it does take the same amount of time to stack the dishwasher! Also no flies on the plates.
I am extremely lazy by nature and these things just make life easier.
20p for the locker though? Very inexpensive.

I never thought I'd say this, but I have something in common with you LaQueen.
We have an average/small house and an enormous amount of stuff. Books, resources, materials, collections of objects...thousands of bits, mostly organised to the needs of the individual owning it. So OH is all rows and racks of kit and DS is heaps of packrat spoils (art student).
But if we have it, it can be found within moments. Saves so much time.
The dust, however, is of futon-like density in some areas.

I agree with everything mathanxiety said. If he is taking umbrage at minor things like this, then it sounds as if these issues are all wrapped up with control.

I understand that some people are slightly neurotic about tidyness and domestic order, but when you live with other people then there has to be a bit of give and take. The difficulty is that the people who want the carpets hoovered twice a day, and the curtains in perfect symmetry, tend to believe that they are absolutely right. That's all fine if they are happy to be the ones washing up every teaspoon as it's used, but if they expect you to do most of that? Totally unsustainable. And unfair to subject people to a high anxiety environment.

On the other end of the spectrum, people who live in genuine muck and hoarders are just as bad - but in my experience they often seem readier to admit that they have a problem (but that they don't feel able to fix it).

I hope you put those pots back in the dishwasher! Very mean of you to unload

The problem with this situation is that both partners have a valid cause for complaint:

a tidy person cannot relax if the house is not tidy

an untidy person (such as me) cannot relax if somebody else is always going around obsessively tidying or grumbling about tidiness

The only way way forward imho is for both parties to recognise that they are causing stress to their partner and agree on a reasonable level of compromise so as to spread the stress levels evenly.

For one party just to say "yes, but I cannot relax if I do not have things the way I need them" is to ignore the fact that other people need to be able to relax too.

I'm just a tad skeptical of people who maintain that very cluttered/disorganised/scruffy homes are the sign of a very relaxed, sunny, chilled existence...

It's more chilled than bolting out the house in a massive huff because the dishwasher hasn't been put on its cycle yet.

But that's what the OP's husband did, LaQueen.

I have a very messy partner. I'm messy but DH is worse. It stresses me out more so I am the one stressing about the dishwasher and hoovering and stuff not getting done. But OP, the stuff that you do when you get home from work e.g. cooking and reading to kids much more important that tidying up and loading dishwasher

Ah, Teapotsinjune is married to my DP. He hates mess. He even hates the baby eating because she gets her bib dirty (ffs!).

He rushes around cleaning the (already clean) kitchen for ages before we can relax because, even though I already load the dishwasher as we go and clean the surfaces/ sweep and mop the floor every day, he likes to do it himself so he knows it's done 'properly'. He can't understand why I like to have a cup of tea, put the mug down on a table next to me and relax for a minute. He sits down, drinks a cup of tea and leaps straight up to put the mug away. It drives him nearly crazy that I don't. It drives me nearly crazy that he leaps up and snatches my mug before I've even swallowed my last sip.

However, he doesn't actually clean anything. He doesn't like vacuuming, he never cleans the bathroom, he doesn't dust anything. I am actually the cleaner one of us - he's just strange about the kitchen and the living room - the living room is a problem because he will actually tidy up the children's toys while they are still playing with them because they look like clutter and he can't relax around clutter.

He has, thankfully, admitted that much of this is his own problem and that I am not expected to change what I do just because he is so uptight about what he perceives to be 'mess'. It is stressful, though.

Please send all your tidy DH round here. One glance at my house will ensure they never moan again

I'm far from a clean and tidy freak but if I have people coming round I always mop the floor, am surprised you think this is odd.

Everyone benefits from an orderly home so I think you should default to the standards of the neatest in the house.

It is really dispiriting for those who like to have a calm orderly home to live in chaos.

But in our case we don't live in chaos - I'm tidy & organised. I'm just not obsessive about having the place immaculate. If I had to agree to go by his standards then the children would lose out because I'd be cleaning all the time.

No, why should the rest of the family have default to the standards of the neatest in the house if that person is abnormally or unusually fussy?

I agree I'd mop the floor for guests that don't ordinarily call - but my sisters are here all the time and they're not the type to care if the floors aren't gleaming

I agree with Laqueen..

I find that keeping the house tidy and organised means I have less to do in the long run. DH likes everything in its place but doesn't always achieve it and then drives us all mad looking for something.

Having a cleaner helps too. I don't want to pay her to tidy up (or clean round the mess) so we tidy everything away on Thursday evenings so she can clean properly.

We put the dishwasher on at night after the last meal and its emptied in the morning so we can refill it during the day - I hate dirty pots hanging around. Tidying and clearing up,for 10 to 15 minutes once or twice a day removes the need for a big clean.

Gettingbetter - you aren't tidy and organised if you have a dishwasher but still stack dirty dishes in the sink.

In this instance, I would let him load the dishes. I hate coming back home to a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. It doesn't take that long to do it either.

I think it is annoying to have stuff stacked up waiting to go in the dishwasher, and I'm not particularly precious about such things.

You don't need to open it for every cup and spoon but just after each meal put everything in.. If you stack it all on the side until the end of the day you've just created another job for yourself

Your DH was a tit though