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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to take children out of school for this

129 replies

wouldliketobethere · 05/06/2013 13:16

I have 2 DC currently yr 6 and yr 7. My niece in NZ (where I am from) is getting married in November. We weren't going to go as apart from anything else we cant afford it. My mum rang yesterday and offered to pay for the fares (which is the main cost since we would stay with family whilst we were there) as she really wants the whole family to be there. This is a lot of money for her but she really would like us there and is quite elderly and says this might be the last family wedding she goes to (though I certainly hope she is wrong about that).

It is a big family occasion and we don't really have that many family occasions - last one was 8 years ago. The whole family are close and all live very close to each other etc so even though it is my niece, it does seem to me to be someone in my close family if you see what I mean, although to be fair I don't see/talk to her much these days as I live over here and she has a busy life and not much interested in her auntie in England. But I still really would feel I was missing something big on my side of the family.

DH just doesn't want to consider it as he thinks it simply isn't possible to take the DC out of school - they would be in year 7 and year 8 and I think we would have to take them out for 2 weeks in November. We would need to get there in time to get over the worst of the jet lag, and having spent that much on the trip I think we would have to stay that amount of time to see my mum etc.

I honestly don't know if IABU. I haven't even asked the school as DH is so set against it.

OP posts:
Louise1956 · 05/06/2013 20:03

it would be great for them to go to New Zealand, but not worth it if it is going to cause a row with your husband. if he is absolutely set against taking them out of school, can you take them to New Zealand another time? it could create ill feeling if you take them against his wishes.

eccentrica · 05/06/2013 20:10

I think it is unnecessary, it's not a once in a lifetime opportunity, it's only a wedding and they can see the family another time. It's not so much schoolwork but the social side for your child in year 7 who will have recently started a new school.

I missed several weeks of my first term at secondary school due to illness. Catching up on work wasn't a problem but I felt very out of it socially for months afterwards.

It's not really fair on them and surely it's part of raising a family on the other side of the world is that you will miss out on some family events.

magicstars · 05/06/2013 20:18

Go! Have a lovely trip!
It'd be different if they were big exam years, but they aren't Smile
Maybe (to keep dh quiet) get them to do a mini project or something to show school. Ask their teachers what kinds of things might be useful/ of interest... Spending a day at school in NZ with a cousin? Writing up a comparison of a lesson?

Bue · 05/06/2013 20:39

My parents took us out of school to go to England for 2 weeks (I grew up abroad) when I was exactly that age. It still stands out as one of the highlights of my entire childhood. We learned so much from being abroad (we did no formal schoolwork while we were away) and made memories that I still cherish. Go! It's such a wonderful age for a big trip.

tiredaftertwo · 05/06/2013 20:42

To me, the case for going is not a trip of a lifetime, an adventure, or whatever - it is the chance to be with extended family at an important family occasion. That is an important bit of family life, and cannot necessarily be repeated (depending how spread out geographically the people coming to the wedding are). If, in fact, they all live close to each other in NZ then I might go at another time, given you do all go occasionally.

But I do think there is something very special for kids that age to feel part of a large family group in which everyone is swelling with emotion....

Iggi101 · 05/06/2013 21:43

SuburbanRhonda - yes, and yes. Show and tell? Hmm How about discussing the different wildlife that has evolved in NZ in Science, or the Maori people in Geography, or the wedding celebration in RS? Or just actually conversing with the students in PSE or registration? We are educating the whole person, life's events do come into that imo.

it would be great for them to go to New Zealand, but not worth it if it is going to cause a row with your husband Louise1956, it might be in your username but we are not 1950s housewives! Obviously they need to reach an agreement, but I don't think we need to avoid any topics that might anger our great lords!

mymatemax · 05/06/2013 22:12

i can remember family weddings & parties from when i was that age, cant remember what i was doing in Novemebr of yr 7 though... Go!!

Notcontent · 05/06/2013 22:13

Please, please go.

It's important for your mum, and it will be something to remember for your children. You will regret it if you don't go.

formicadinosaur · 05/06/2013 22:17

Take them, such an amazing jouney is more of an education anyway then being sat in a classroom. Also your family have to come first.

If you wish offer to take some work with you for the kids to complete while away. It's not like they are doing their GCSE's, A levels or uni!!

edam · 05/06/2013 22:18

GO! I'm a school governor, btw, and I say GO!

Hulababy · 05/06/2013 22:19

I would go (and I have worked in schools for years now) and most schools would be happy to authorise this as it is a family wedding.

RandomMess · 05/06/2013 22:20

Wow, once in a lifetime, they are only year 7 & 8 so yes please go.

Mmmnotsure · 05/06/2013 22:30

Go. Definitely.

All my children are older than yours, and it is easy to see, looking back, how comparatively unimportant the work in the first two years at school actually is. That isn't to say you shouldn't prioritise school most of the time - but just think, if (God forbid) your dc had an accident or got properly ill, they could easily miss two weeks of school and no one would be wringing their hands and saying that their long-term education was going to suffer.

We have taken our children to far-away places, and it has had a very positive effect on them. They have seen people and things that have opened their eyes to new possibilities, and which have influenced their world view and their choices later in life. It is really important to show children different things, and if you have the chance to do that, you should take it. (And that doesn't even include the family aspect here, which is very important also.)

I hope you and your dh can go with an easy conscience and the understanding of the school, and have a wonderful experience as a family.

Mmmnotsure · 05/06/2013 22:32

And actually, even if the school didn't like it, I'd still go.

SuburbanRhonda · 05/06/2013 22:35

As has been said several times earlier in this thread, it's not a "once in a lifetime" trip. They've been three times before.

And it's not about whether people rate family holidays over school, it's about whether the school will authorise it. OP herself has said she probably should have asked the school first.

iggi, I can see you're trying to dress this family wedding up into an educational experience, but do you honestly think OP's DCs will want to spend any time on their family holiday researching NZ wildlife or the Maoris? OP has already said she isn't planning on asking for work for her DCs to do while they're away, she's just hoping they can catch up when they get back.

defineme · 05/06/2013 22:41

I think weddings are really really important-they're the traditions that bind families together and family is very important to me. I can't imagine how important to me it would feel if I lived abroad. This is important to you and your Mum. Your dh gets a say, but so do you and your Mum.

As a secondary school teacher, it's my experience that we don't give a stuff if a year 7 is off for 2 weeks. Any reasonable teacher can ensure they catch up and that's what we do when they're ill.

CointreauVersial · 05/06/2013 23:01

You only get one life.....which do you think would be more enriching/memorable to your DCs? Two weeks of school in November (at a frankly non-crucial stage in their school careers) or a family trip to the other side of the world?

You're not talking about a purposeless week on the beach; you won't get this opportunity again. Go.

Iggi101 · 05/06/2013 23:43

I'm dressing nothing up Rhonda; I'm saying the kind of 'added value' most teachers would see a trip of this nature adding to the child's development. I don't think you'd have to do any special research to learn about any of the things I've mentioned, they are by-products of the holiday.

Travelledtheworld · 05/06/2013 23:52

Go, you may never have the opportunity again.
Enjoy and travel safely.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 05/06/2013 23:53

Go. Life is short. You will regret not going so very much if anything does happen to your Mum and you didn't go and be a part of this family celebration :(

If they caught chicken pox or something they'd be off for 2-3 weeks and no-one would bat an eyelid.

Talk to DH - explain how important it is to you that you all go and that we all agree.

I'd go with or without the school's 'permission'.

savoirfaire · 05/06/2013 23:59

Go. I missed the entire third term of Y7 due to illness. I was sent 1 book, 1 essay (English) and about 3 sets of maths homework to do. It made no bloody difference whatsoever to my secondary school education and was for much more boring and significantly less life enhancing reasons. I agree with the 'life is short' comment - and I'm one of those who normally is very very judgy about people missing school for holiday reasons. Family is important and travelling to the other side of the world is rare and educational.

MidniteScribbler · 06/06/2013 01:40

I'm usually in the "you can't miss school for a holiday" camp, but in this situation, I would say go.

But can we please stop calling it a once in a lifetime opportunity? New Zealand isn't going anywhere. It will still be there if you decide you want to go in a years time, or two years, or ten, or twenty. It's a great opportunity and would be lovely for your kids to see family and experience their mothers culture, but it's not a once in a lifetime opportunity.

lljkk · 06/06/2013 07:58

Not about Once In A Lifetime Opportunities. It's about connecting with family. Building up relationships and having a sense of one's origins. When we talk on the phone My grandmother says bluntly "Your children don't know me." Not nice. :(

JenaiMorris · 06/06/2013 08:58

The OP's mother's health puts a different spin on this for me.

I still some of the posts are a little casual re missing school.

A lot of the work ds does is online, as are schemes of work and so on. This could help with keeping abreast of what's going on in school.

IME (limited to my own ds) the pace of work at secondary is quite fast. It would be easy to miss something key if you didn't check what was being covered during an absence - particularly in Maths.

Saying "they could be ill and nobody would bat an eyelid" is an argument against going away for two weeks travelling, not for! As I said upthread, 2 x 1 week poorly over a school year combined with two weeks on holiday equates to an absence rate of 10%. That's pretty high, imo.

SuburbanRhonda · 06/06/2013 09:39

iggi, could you please explain to someone who has obviously been going to the wrong sort of family weddings, just how learning about "the different wildlife that has evolved in NZ" would be "a by-product of the holiday", when OP has admitted that the time will be spent at the wedding and visiting family?

I think you're being naive if you think this wouldn't involve research of some description.