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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To make an excuse and not go?

58 replies

NoobyNoob · 04/06/2013 07:11

It's my best friends birthday on Friday and she's invited me out for a meal. I really, really don't want to go.

There's been a lot which has happened with us in the past month. She has been having an affair for a year with a married man and is now pregnant with his child. Said man and wife (who we also know) are currently having IVF because she can't conceive.

Meanwhile - she's still really good friends with said man's aunty and regularly meet up for coffee. No-one knows that this baby is his apart from me and I wish I didn't.

So I can see what will happen on Friday - all the guests will coo at the fact she is expecting...I'll be sitting there seething because I know the truth whilst she laps up the attention and pretends nothing is wrong.

I can't look at her in the face, I don't want to see her and I don't wanna know.

We met up last Saturday and it was like I was listening to a strange talk. I feel so sad that she could do something this destructive, I looked up to her she was my little best friend :(

So, IABU to make my excuses and not attend on Friday?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 04/06/2013 07:13

I wouldnt go. Id cut her out.

flippinada · 04/06/2013 07:15

What an awful situation. In your shoes I wouldn't want to go either.

Original poster
NoobyNoob · 04/06/2013 07:16

DH says I should go I just don't know what to do.

It'll rock the boat more if I don't, but I also don't want to listen to the crap her and the others will be talking about the baby.

OP posts:
FarBetterNow · 04/06/2013 07:17

Don't go.

Cut off your friendship, which will be sad.

Original poster
NoobyNoob · 04/06/2013 07:17

It is isn't it.

I keep myself to myself yet I still manage to attract drama :(

OP posts:
WeAreEternal · 04/06/2013 07:18

There is no way I would go, or continue to be friends with someone like that.

FarBetterNow · 04/06/2013 07:19

The easy way out is to develop a migraine or a bad stomach!

If you go people will wonder why you are not full of joy for her and may label you a misery guts.

FarBetterNow · 04/06/2013 07:19

Does your DH know who the dad is?

YouStayClassySanDiego · 04/06/2013 07:20

The fall out will be huge when the truth emerges.

Cut her out.

Original poster
NoobyNoob · 04/06/2013 07:22

I know - I rarely speak to her on the phone and we used to call every day. I've hidden her from my FB news feed and I don't text her anymore...I only reply to the texts she sends.

I've known her for 14 years, I just can't quite do it If you see what I mean. I can't draw the line under it although I am trying.

OP posts:
flippinada · 04/06/2013 07:23

Don't rock the boat?

No need to be dramatic about it, just say you won't be going. If your friend demands an explanation you don't need to give one. Just repeat that you won't be going, thank you for the invite, but no.

Unless she has the hide of a rhinoceros, she'll know why.

Do you want to continue the friendship ?

Original poster
NoobyNoob · 04/06/2013 07:24

Yes - DH also knows who the dad is. I made her sit down and tell him too when I found out. I'm not keeping a huge secret like that from him.

I don't see said man and woman but we all used to go around in the same circles when we were younger. I feel awful that I know, especially when I see my newsfeed on FB with her talking about how she's so excited for IVF. WTF am I meant to do?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/06/2013 07:25

I wouldn't go, and I wouldn't lie about why

flippinada · 04/06/2013 07:25

Btw, how do you know about the ivf? Did she tell you?

MrsBeep · 04/06/2013 07:27

Have you told her how you feel? Friendships should have honesty and trust above all. She has been honest with you, although not with anyone else, about her situation, so I think you need to tell her how uncomfortable it makes you feel. It's only fair.

Original poster
NoobyNoob · 04/06/2013 07:27

Yes, we've all known for ages that they've been having trouble falling pregnant.

I last saw her at a funeral about four months ago and she was updating me all about it then...plus she updates everyone on FB too.

OP posts:
flippinada · 04/06/2013 07:28

Ah, x posts.

The reason I asked if you wanted to continue the friendship is because this woman is going to fall on her arse with a nasty smack quite soon.

What does she imagine is going to happen when the baby arrives...?

Hissy · 04/06/2013 07:28

I wouldn't be able to remain friends with someone like that.

Does his wife know? That poor woman.

Don't go.

Don't say anything as to why, and just tell any other friend that asks, that you couldn't make it.

Stop replying to her texts.

EuroShaggleton · 04/06/2013 07:29

I can't believe the responses here. This woman is your friend. She is about to be a single mother and will really need your support, and people are talking about cutting off contact. People make mistakes. She might not have made the best choices but she is not the one being unfaithful here. I support my friends through their mistakes rather than judging them and leaving them to it.

Original poster
NoobyNoob · 04/06/2013 07:29

The thing is I did do Beep - this is what I sent her:

^Hi, I thought I'd take the liberty of sending you an email seen as we haven't spoken all week. I want nothing to do with this situation anymore, I hope you and the baby keep well and happy. It's too fucked up, and when xxx [NAME EDITED OUT BY MNHQ] put on Twitter that she'd had a lovely catch up with you, that was the last nail in the coffin and I actually could imagine you both sitting there laughing and relaxing together like friends would when you're carrying her husbands child.

I think I could've been there for you, but you're meeting up with them and no doubt will do right up until the baby is born and I don't agree with it at all.

It makes me feel so sad that it's happened this way, I honestly thought I'd be there through everything and it makes me feel incredibly sad that I can't.

I hope all your scans go well, and I hope you're able to feel the unconditional love and happiness a son or daughter can bring.^

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 04/06/2013 07:30

I probably wouldn't go to the meal.

However, I suppose your friendship depends on many things. I'm never in favour of sitting in moral judgement over someone elses sex life. Neither would I isolate a friend because I didn't like her particular squeeze. Shame really, because as a SP she is going to need friendship and support, motherhood can be very lonely.

Several clichés come to mind "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" and the "the sins of the father should not be visited upon the child" along with "do unto others as you would have to thine self".

disclaimer< I think I've gone all spiritual this morning

Pancakeflipper · 04/06/2013 07:38

I would not go. Could not stand the Ooohs and coos.

But I wouldn't cut her out if I cared for for genuinely and she was a close friend. Though I would say how I feel and why be attending. And she didn't get pregnant on her own - he's part of this.

It's dangerous territory though if she's telling people who the father is.... It's a case of when does the wife find out not if.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 04/06/2013 08:15

Are they still having the affair?

Nanny0gg · 04/06/2013 08:24

I'm never in favour of sitting in moral judgement over someone elses sex life. Neither would I isolate a friend because I didn't like her particular squeeze.

It's not just 'not liking' though, is it? Having an affair is one thing, having a child when the wife can't conceive is worse (imo) and then socialising with the wife is just beyond hideous. I can understand why the OP doesn't even want to speak to this 'friend'. And how many wouldn't 'sit in judgement' over such behaviour? I am, and I don't even know her. (And yes, I know his behaviour is worse).

Original poster
NoobyNoob · 04/06/2013 08:45

I don't think they are, she said they still text when she's not about.

I've just sent her a text saying that I can't make it and she seems fine with it.

OP posts:
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