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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To make an excuse and not go?

58 replies

NoobyNoob · 04/06/2013 07:11

It's my best friends birthday on Friday and she's invited me out for a meal. I really, really don't want to go.

There's been a lot which has happened with us in the past month. She has been having an affair for a year with a married man and is now pregnant with his child. Said man and wife (who we also know) are currently having IVF because she can't conceive.

Meanwhile - she's still really good friends with said man's aunty and regularly meet up for coffee. No-one knows that this baby is his apart from me and I wish I didn't.

So I can see what will happen on Friday - all the guests will coo at the fact she is expecting...I'll be sitting there seething because I know the truth whilst she laps up the attention and pretends nothing is wrong.

I can't look at her in the face, I don't want to see her and I don't wanna know.

We met up last Saturday and it was like I was listening to a strange talk. I feel so sad that she could do something this destructive, I looked up to her she was my little best friend :(

So, IABU to make my excuses and not attend on Friday?

OP posts:
hackmum · 04/06/2013 08:49

So who does everyone else assume is the father?

Original poster
NoobyNoob · 04/06/2013 08:51

Just a drunken one night stand with an ex boyfriend apparently. That's whats she's been telling people.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 04/06/2013 08:59

Crikey! So she's involved an innocent party in her lies? That could cause some serious problems for the ex boyfriend. She's a piece of work, isn't she? I don't think I could continue a friendship with someone who appears to have no morals or thought for other people.

hackmum · 04/06/2013 09:21

It's a very unfortunate state of affairs. I imagine things will change when the baby is born. Being a single parent is hard, and she'll probably want the father to be involved, maybe put pressure on him to leave his wife. And even if he doesn't, she'll find that money is tight and want him to pay towards the child's upkeep. It's not going to end well, is it?

AnyFucker · 04/06/2013 10:43

Do you know what ?

Sometimes you absolutely do have to "judge", and react accordingly within your own moral framework. All this "judge not..." stuff is mealymouthed liberal bollocks when faced with a situation like this.

If I were this poor wife and when (not if) I find out exactly what has been happening, I would consider those who knew the truth and continue to cover for someone like this to be complicit

squeakytoy · 04/06/2013 10:58

I hope that isnt the wifes real name up there...

fishandlilacs · 04/06/2013 11:04

I can't believe the responses here. This woman is your friend. She is about to be a single mother and will really need your support, and people are talking about cutting off contact. People make mistakes. She might not have made the best choices but she is not the one being unfaithful here. I support my friends through their mistakes rather than judging them and leaving them to it.
this
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But I wouldn't cut her out if I cared for for genuinely and she was a close friend. Though I would say how I feel and why be attending. And she didn't get pregnant on her own - he's part of this.

tell her you cant stand the situation as it is but you'll support her

Jan49 · 04/06/2013 11:05

I would drop the friendship. There's no way I could be happy for her and share her excitement over the baby and continue a friendship with her and the couple involved. Horrible situation.Sad

K8Middleton · 04/06/2013 11:11

It sounds like the friend you thought you had you actually don't. Your morals are totally at odds and the relationship has become untenable. You need to make a decision about the whole friendship really.

A couple of things I would bear in mind: when this blows up (and it will) you don't want to have been seen to be complicit by your mutual friend but is your pg friend also being abused by this man? I mean he's having an affair, got her pregnant and still hasn't left his wife. Not exactly the actions of a good man and she is going to get very hurt and probably really struggle being a lone parent with only an unsupportive duplicitous bastard around when he can get away from his wife.

Pledge you allegiance to your pg friend or your friend undergoing ivf... or just cut out the lot of them. The birthday party is the least of your worries.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 04/06/2013 11:16

Yeah OP, I'd edit that message you posted. It appears to have a real name in.

While it'll all come out in the end, it really shouldn't be on Mumsnet. I feel so sorry for the wife, though.

Eilidhbelle · 04/06/2013 11:19

Is your friend single at the moment? Because if she is, it's the husband who is in the wrong here. I can't believe there are so many people on here woman-bashing, while only a handful have said it's HIM who lacks the morals. Don't be friends with her any more if that's what you want, but lose the judgement.

Jan49 · 04/06/2013 11:29

Both parties to the affair are very much in the wrong. But it's the woman who is the OP's close friend and is having a birthday party and going to have everyone cooing over her pregnancy. I'm amazed by people who think that if someone is single and has an affair with a married person, the single person has done no wrong. Angry

flippinada · 04/06/2013 11:29

I think it can be taken as read that the husband here is a grade A piece of shit, but the pregnant friend sounds a particularly nasty piece of work too.

ChaoticTranquility · 04/06/2013 11:31

The OP's 'friend' may not be the one who is being unfaithful but she did choose to sleep with a married man so she needs to take responsibility for her own behaviour.

It's the wife I feel sorry for.

puckertoe · 04/06/2013 11:33

Does it sound like you are Best Friends? the words you used in your question). Yes or no. A friend should be there, if you're no longer friends then you shouldn't be there. Does she know how you feel?

MNHQ
RowanMumsnet · 04/06/2013 11:58

Hello

Just wanted to let you know that we've edited what seemed to be a RL name out of one of NoobyNoob's posts.

Dannilion · 04/06/2013 12:16

I would have cut her out ages ago. No way would I want someone in my life who could so easily do something so hideous to another human being.

That poor, poor woman. She is the one who is going to need support when her whole world comes crashing down around her.

quoteunquote · 04/06/2013 12:20

I hope his wife finds out before she conceives, so she can make an informed decision as to if she wants to be tied to vile nasty person for life.

Your friend is in a totally no win situation, her child already has negative things attached to it's being, I expect she is extremely frightened about the future.

Does he know you are aware that he is the father?

Have you asked him what he is going to do?

Original poster
NoobyNoob · 04/06/2013 12:35

Yes - so sorry about that post I should've edited it before posting - thanks HQ.

He doesn't know that I know, she doesn't know anything at all. We're absolutely not the same as we used to be nor are we likely to be again. I met up with her a few Saturdays ago and I tried to care but I just couldn't. She was moaning about morning sickness, tiredness etc and I just can't get past this situation.

I would be there totally 100% if it was a brief encounter with an ex - but it's not and I can't.

I'm a naive person and always have been, but I can't get over her behavior. We all do stupid things but this is above all that.

She told him that it was his, and all he could care about was his wife and that he would lose everything.

I've kept well away from her, I've come off Twitter and I'm trying to distance myself from her. It's hard because my eldest (3) adores her and he's always asking when she's coming over :(

Meh

OP posts:
BarredfromhavingStella · 04/06/2013 12:45

The poor wife deserves to know what a cunt she has for a husband & the same for a friend before she continues with the effort of IVF...

LittleLisa78 · 04/06/2013 12:59

Agreed the wife needs to know - I'd tell her.

ImperialBlether · 04/06/2013 13:16

I would tell his wife. I couldn't bear to think of her going through IVF with him.

DisAstrophe · 04/06/2013 13:23

The poor wife.

Not sure what I'd do in your shoes. The correct thing would be to tell the wife given the circumstances - it will come out eventually.

Could you ask the wife to meet up for coffee and then text her h and say if he doesn't tell his wife about the baby then you will?

Mixxy · 04/06/2013 13:25

Difficult. Ugh. A friend of DHs since childhood had been having an affair with an older married man for about 10 years. We always stayed clear. Then they stopped seeing each other. She got a loser boyfriend for a year or two and in the end the other the original guy divorced his wife for our friend. At their wedding (which neither of his sons attended) we had to listen to so much bullshit about this guy being a great father from speakers. I had a G&T too many and said I thought I was attending the wedding of an adulterer and a home-wrecker, to their faces. Speak now before you do it at the baby shower! You can't hold it in!

Fairyegg · 04/06/2013 21:07

I would cut off all contact with 'friend' and explain why. I couldn't not say Something to his wife either, especially as you Know her and see her updates on fb. I think I would post her an anonymous letter or something. Yes it will Be horrible for her but at least It gives her the chance to consider things before continuing ivf with such an unpleasant man.