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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that there is nothing wrong with being a "pushy" mum

999 replies

CliftonGirl · 03/06/2013 10:55

Just that really. I used to be a "relaxed" mum with DS1 which I regret, but thankfully I switched to a "pushy" mode when he was in year four. As a result he moved from a bottom-middle set to a super selective grammar and doing brilliantly. I am very pushy with the younger DCs.

I've noticed a lot of people on mumsnet think that we are still in the 20th century and you can get to Oxbridge from a mediocre school without much effort. AIBU to think that the world is much more competitive now and there is no choice but to push DC to achieve?

Ps, English is not my first language, so please don't flame me for the spelling mistakes.

OP posts:
Original poster
CliftonGirl · 03/06/2013 17:31

Rights aid? Stupid iPad!

OP posts:
TinBox · 03/06/2013 17:33

But your DH hates his job.

It's not really an inspiring message is it? 'You will probably be miserable no matter what you do, so just focus on earning well, and tolerate the misery.' If you're upfront with your DCs that that's the lesson you want them to learn, then fair enough - but it's pretty bleak.

I know lots of people who enjoy what they do. Some of them earn lots and some of them earn little, but they are all happy with their day to day lives and the choices that they made.

I hope your DH gets the chance to pursue something he enjoys more one day.

Badvoc · 03/06/2013 17:41

That's pretty bleak op :(
I would far rather my dc earn less and be happy than earn shed loads and be miserable!

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 03/06/2013 17:45

Badvoc, but Don't you agree that it is better to be miserable on a great pay and have regular breaks in nice sunny locations than being miserable and living in a horrible flat without any break?

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LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/06/2013 17:48

Ah, doing well at school gets you out of the miserable, horrible flat, does it?

Tell that to all the trainee doctors I know who're turning 30 this year and saying sadly 'well, maybe we will have a family at some point ... but not here ...'.

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 03/06/2013 17:53

LRD , nobody can predict the future, but the odds of doing better in life are higher for a graduate with a doctor's degree than for somebody without any qualifications.

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Original poster
CliftonGirl · 03/06/2013 17:56

By the way, my best friend is married to a newly qualified doctor and they are doing pretty well...

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LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/06/2013 17:56

I do see that. But what I am saying is, if you never set a child up to cope with failure or struggling, what happens when they are in the grotty flat in the umpteenth year of their medical training, suddenly realizing everyone around them is driven and clever, and there is the very real chance they may flounder?

ReallyTired · 03/06/2013 17:58

"So reallytired what happens if a chi is not academic and his/her very best is a D, not A*?"

A good standard of literacy and numeracy is a pass rather than A*. There are fewer and fewer unskilled jobs out there. Actually a plumber needs good numeracy and literacy like anyone else. The electrician exams that my brother has taken are damn hard. If a child cannot read and write to a good standard then they are in real trouble in the 21st century.

I want my children to work hard and understand that life is not given to you on a plate. I want my children to do their best and if their best is a D then that is fine by me. Children with learning difficulties need to have a stronger work ethic than anyone else.

It is important that a child with Ds does not give up. Often it is not the most intelligent people in life who are the most sucessful.

Not all our children are lucky enough to attend "good" schools. My children's school is inadequate, but I am not going to let my children fail. I feel its a good lesson to my children to realise that sucess is still possible in adversity.

Look at how determined and self moviated this school girl is to get an education. I want my children to make full use of their opportunities and realise how lucky they are.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/pakistan/9941045/Pakistani-schoolgirl-shot-in-head-by-Taliban-attends-first-day-of-school-in-UK.html

Roary1 · 03/06/2013 18:01

I went from a less than mediocre school on to Oxbridge and it was the worst thing that ever happened to me, thanks to an uber-pushy mum.

I was so depressed I started trying to take my own life. When I told my mum I was taking massive overdoses she said it was "emotional blackmail so I could get my own road and leave".

I realise with hindsight they never loved me just loved bragging about my academic achievements.

I LOATHE them.

Pushy parents beware. Do you really want your children growing up to hate your guts (and end up in a psychiatric intensive care)?

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 03/06/2013 18:02

Lrd , I do get what you are saying, but it's better to fail trying than not to try at all. At least I know I''ve done my best. And if everything else fails they can always work as music tutors :)

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TinBox · 03/06/2013 18:03

"Don't you agree that it is better to be miserable on a great pay and have regular breaks in nice sunny locations than being miserable and living in a horrible flat without any break?"

Um...not really, if you are miserable then you are miserable. It doesn't really matter what the setting is. You might think that the misery is offset by your lifestyle, but that's easy for you to say because you are a SAHM who gets to reap the benefits of your husband's generous income without having to tolerate the misery of doing a job you hate every day.

It depends what you mean by "doing better in life". Most of the young doctors I know have ended up working in specialisms they dislike in parts of the country they never wanted to move to. Some of them have been fortunate enough to get positions they want in their hometowns, but they have demonstrated outstanding ability in training and also been lucky. They are also saddled with debt, working insane hours and are only now, in their very late twenties, coming close to being paid anything like a salary commensurate with the length of time they spent in training. There are easier ways to make money than to become a doctor, believe me.

formicadinosaur · 03/06/2013 18:04

I think there is a fine balance. Also I don't know whats worse for a childs mental health/well being, parents that take no interest what so ever or parents that are pushy to the extreem.

I aim to give my boys time and encouragment to achieve their personal best whilst also having lots of silly fun and lots of free play. Helping them develop a love of reading has been great as they are now very self motivated to read. Their reading addiction has helped them achieve well at school.

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 03/06/2013 18:05

Psychiatric care? Sounds a bit extreme. Half of China would be hospitalised by now...

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Roary1 · 03/06/2013 18:06

I ended up in a psychiatric intensive care unit. Even the doctors turned around and said the extreme pushing and severe abuse my parents caused me put me there

barbarianinvasion · 03/06/2013 18:09

"I'd rather my kids hated being a doctor than a minimum wage worker"

Your kids' patients might disagree though...

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/06/2013 18:09

clifton - sure, I don't totally disagree, I'm just interested in the debate as it's something I need to think about before I have children. Smile

roary - that's awful. Sad Poor you. That sounds as if your parents had no clue where to stop.

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 03/06/2013 18:10

Roary that sounds horrible! However I don't think I am That pushy with dcs. I don't let them play any electronicgAmes during the term time and they are only allowed tv in the weekend, but they play in the garden, read and I take them to a lot of fun places, so they don't just study all day.

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Roary1 · 03/06/2013 18:12

I doubt you are as pushy as my parents. I have never ever met people like them.

Bonsoir · 03/06/2013 18:14

Roary1 - I am so very sad for you. I know a family like yours - two of their three children have been in psychiatric care this year, and the other one has been removed from school.

Sirzy · 03/06/2013 18:18

It's sad when people are more concerned about earnings than happiness.

And what is wrong with a child spending half an hour after a busy day chilling infront of the tv? Why does time always need to be planned?

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 03/06/2013 18:18

Boudoir, I don't know how somebody can do somethingllike that to their own kids.

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Original poster
CliftonGirl · 03/06/2013 18:20

Sirzy, I''ve noticed it affects their concentration terribly and electronic games are affecting their moods.

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Sirzy · 03/06/2013 18:24

What exactly do children need to concentrate on in an evening? They need that time to switch off

TinBox · 03/06/2013 18:31

I hope you don't spend any time watching the tv or browsing the internet during the week Clifton. Your concentration and moods are bound to suffer.

I'm interested in what your DH thinks of 'pushy' parenting, given that he hates his own job?