Niceguy You said: "I totally get that some people are more academic than others but doesn't that mean that those which are not need to try that bit harder?" My son works 100 times harder than his siblings and most of his peers, in learning academically, at home and at school, he may well get the A's eventually, but I now look at the effort he puts into learning rather than grades. I would never say "Ahhh well....he's falling behind now. But that's just cos he's not clever enough.",* !! Of course not, I am making sure he continues to have all the help I and the school can give him. Now we know what is going on we are able to be more targeted at helping him. Educational psychologist assessed him as superior intelligence with dyslexia.
But in reality, he may not be able to achieve all A's. His sense of worth has been knocked by seeing his peers excel where he struggles. I want him to have a sense of worth about himself that goes beyond GCSE grades. I hope that your 6 year old stepson has reasonable intelligence and no learning disability, as pushing for top marks may just undermine his self esteem if not. Please, this comes from someone who has learnt the hard way that saying "I've always told my kids I love them unconditionally. And as such it's my job to make sure they have everything they need to hit those top marks.", is not the same as just truly loving them unconditionally. I agree that " 'pushiness' isn't just saying "You shall get an A* or you are a failure". It's more about "Look....why can't you get that A* ? What's stopping you? Can we fix it and then you should be able to aim for it?"* It's refusing to let them give up and pigeon-hole themselves."*, it is about helping them reach their true potential, at whatever level.
CliftonGirl - You posted: Merry, my point was that some people expect their kids to achieve top results without much input. Another point - you should expect more from your kids and not write them off as non academic at an early age. I don't have a problem with people choices at all, I do respect other parental approaches, as I said earlier I was a very relaxed mum with ds1, so I can see things from a different perspective. I think that there is a middle ground that can be achieved, I was the reverse of you, I was a pushy mum, until I discovered my son had a specific learning difficulty (dyslexia). I think that encouraging your children to work hard at whatever they want to do is a good thing to do. But setting goals that are not what they want to do, and manipulating them to get them to fulfil your goal, is a dangerous thing, and can lead to emotionally loosing your children, as many posters have already expressed on this thread.
HeadsDownThumbsUp Wed 05-Jun-13 17:50:54
my point was that some people expect their kids to achieve top results without much input
But, OP - a lot of kids do achieve top results without much input! - I agree with this.
To be honest, the standards you are setting for your kids are, in many ways, not that high if you think that they are genuinely gifted. And most pushy parents erroneously believe that their children are gifted. Any very gifted child could easily achieve a crop of As at A-level, and as a gifted young adult, a first at University. Most very gifted kids could jump through the necessary hoops to qualify as an accountant or solicitor without breaking a sweat, to be totally honest. It's not exactly nobel prize winning stuff. , I think this too!
My daughter, who has been assessed as gifted by an educational psychologist, does not need to work at all at school, she just sails through getting top marks, being the top of the class, constantly. This is actually hard to motivate her to work at anything. The educational psychologist said that I need to get her to do something that she needs to work at or practice, something where she can see progression at her own pace, eg music or speech and drama classes and gradings. As most children she sees with my daughters abilities sail through school with no effort at all, and some then crash and burn either at university or the work-place because they are suddenly required to have a self-motivated work ethic.
wordfactory Wed 05-Jun-13 17:56:51
headsdown I really think that's rubbish.
"For a start really gifted people often have a coach who pushes them on. It's very rare for someone to achieve any exceptional without the constant input of another." I don't think this is strictly true!
A close friend of mine has a son who has had no pushing at home at all, and sailed through primary school, and the son decided that he wanted to go to a bi-lingual secondary school for the challenge. Gifted children are all different, some are motivated and love to learn, others are "lazy" and love just being the best all the time (until they reach a point they are not the best)
Gifted children too need to be treated as individuals, some will need a bit of pushing and encouraging and motivating (like my daughter) others will not.
Word factory you also said "And second, many of us pushy parents do not believe we have exceptional DC (sorry seeker I know you think my DC is exceptional, but he's not!). We believe that talent can be nurtured and that the nurturing process requires a fair bit of input which many perceive as pushing." I agree that nurturing a child is very important, it is difficult to know sometimes, when nurturing can become controlling and forcing a child to focus on things that they may not naturally wish to do. The limiting of time on the computers and x-boxes can quickly cross into determining what level of academic achievement is "acceptable". Instead of focussing on the needs of the child, the focus is on the wants and aspirations of the parents. It is a line that I continue to look at reassess my motives on a regular basis.