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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that there is nothing wrong with being a "pushy" mum

999 replies

CliftonGirl · 03/06/2013 10:55

Just that really. I used to be a "relaxed" mum with DS1 which I regret, but thankfully I switched to a "pushy" mode when he was in year four. As a result he moved from a bottom-middle set to a super selective grammar and doing brilliantly. I am very pushy with the younger DCs.

I've noticed a lot of people on mumsnet think that we are still in the 20th century and you can get to Oxbridge from a mediocre school without much effort. AIBU to think that the world is much more competitive now and there is no choice but to push DC to achieve?

Ps, English is not my first language, so please don't flame me for the spelling mistakes.

OP posts:
pickledsiblings · 05/06/2013 13:51

Some people just want to have their pushiness and the amount of money they spend on it justified.

This is interesting and I do sometimes wonder if it is all 'worth' it.

HeadsDownThumbsUp · 05/06/2013 13:59

That's the thing - I feel like some self-confessed 'pushy' parents are looking for endless justification and validation. If you know you are doing the best thing for your children, that they are being challenged in the ways they need to be challenged, and are happy and thriving, then you will know.

It's the level of competitiveness that marks out 'pushy' parenting from good support, guidance and encouragement, in my view. Competitiveness between children and between parents. If you think that your DCs benefit from certain 'extras' or need nudged a little bit here and there - then great - but why extrapolate that into some cod parenting philosophy and spend emotional energy getting smug about the idea that other parents (what idiots!) don't have the same outlook as you (their poor dcs - how they must suffer).

I've seen parents with perfectly happy, successful children, who have achieved a great deal by their own standards and societies standards (straight As, great university, extra-curricular blah, blah, blah) and these parents are beside themselves with bitterness because someone else's kid is going to Harvard when their kid is (only) going to LSE, or someone's kid is starting work with McKinsey when their kid is only working for Accenture. It never stops for those people, and it seems have less to do with the child's aspirations than being able to show that they've outparented all their peers.

It also amuses me that most self-confessed 'pushy' parents only 'push' their children to achieve in very conventional upper middle class arenas ie. orchestral instruments, public school style sports, classical languages, certain european languages and a couple of economically influential languages. I am yet to meet a parent who is very pushy in 'encouraging' their children to play the steel drums, learn Tagalog, or play pool.

merrymouse · 05/06/2013 14:04

I am yet to meet a parent who is very pushy in 'encouraging' their children to play the steel drums, learn Tagalog, or play pool.

I would really like to meet this parent!

seeker · 05/06/2013 14:05

That's fantastic, word!

But making sure he didn't miss a fantastic opportunity for some off the wall reason isn't being pushy- it's just parenting!

That's why I think we have a language problem on this thread- high archiving and having high expectations are not the same as being pushy.

puckertoe · 05/06/2013 14:09

Pickledsiblings I agree in the argument that a "standard" is required. For my DCs it was always asked "Did you do your very best?" that's all we could ask as parents, your best was always good enough.. we trusted the DC to be honest with themselves and with us.
They have both grown into nice, confident young people who are a pleasure to be with. What more can we want?

Boomba · 05/06/2013 14:17

cliftongirl can I point out that it is offensive to refer to dc as being Special Needs; they have SNs

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 05/06/2013 14:18

Sorry Boomba, as I said English is not my first language, I did not mean any offence.

OP posts:
kerala · 05/06/2013 14:21

Dh parents the opposite of pushy, timid, didn't go to university themselves, don't read books had nothing to do with dh education as baffled by it after he was 14 or so. Yet he went to Cambridge from average comp and now senior professional ( if that perceived as success). Found it interesting see my parents friends tying themselves in knots to push their kids - none of wh

seeker · 05/06/2013 14:21

What does "reasonably academic" mean? And many children who have special educational needs are very academic!

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 05/06/2013 14:22

This what I mean Kerala, it won't happen nowadays.

OP posts:
lljkk · 05/06/2013 14:23

I wonder how OP will feel if her DC fail to attend Oxbridge.
I hate 90% of what Syed says.

Fillyjonk75 · 05/06/2013 14:24

I don't care what career DDs go into or even whether they go into higher education as long as they are content and achieving their potential. What I want to do is give them wider horizons and more options than I felt I had - though my parents did their best. What I really want them to have is a very good school education, which is what I didn't have - I did fairly well, academically, but in spite of school. I should have got all As at GCSE and A-Level really and gone to a top university. In another school with a different work ethic I would have done.

kerala · 05/06/2013 14:24

Dh parents the opposite of pushy, timid, didn't go to university themselves, don't read books had nothing to do with dh education as baffled by it after he was 14 or so. Yet he went to Cambridge from average comp and now senior professional ( if that perceived as success). Found it interesting see my parents friends tying themselves in knots to push their kids - none of whom achieved like dh who did it all alone effectively. I think it has to come from the child and what the parent does has much less effect than they might think

kerala · 05/06/2013 14:27

Is that really true though? That if parents aren't hovering around the dc won't fulfil their potential? I can't believe that can be right

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 05/06/2013 14:27

Lljik I'll say well, at least you tried! There are some other universities around...

OP posts:
pickledsiblings · 05/06/2013 14:29

puckertoe, the doing your best thing is interesting. How do DC know if what they are doing is their best? They could revise a few hours more per day or practice their instrument more often. The 'result' is often what tells you if you have done your best or not. My DD is revising for end of year exams. She has done a moderate amount of revision (the 'right' amount for her age I think but I'm really just guessing at what that is). If she gets results with which she is happy then it will be deemed as having been the 'right' amount. If her results are lower than she is expecting then she will have to go up a gear next time. It's all a bit trial and error but I think that there are valuable lessons being learnt along the way.

HeadsDownThumbsUp · 05/06/2013 14:30

OP, sorry, but you didn't respond - what are you looking for on this thread? What do you want to get out of this? Are you looking for tips?

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 05/06/2013 14:33

Headsdown, if somebody posts "I think there is nothing wrong with voting conservative" do you expect them to switch to labour by the end of the thread?

OP posts:
pickledsiblings · 05/06/2013 14:33

I think it's pretty clear that the OP is looking for justification and perhaps to inspire a few people along the way.

HeadsDownThumbsUp · 05/06/2013 14:34

I don't see the point in opening up an open ended conversation if you are completely unreceptive to and dismissive of other people's views.

I'll ask again, since you didn't answer. What do you want to get out of this conversation?

Bonsoir · 05/06/2013 14:34

Parental support and presence ("hovering around") was one of the variables in the French thesis I mentioned up thread that enabled teachers' DCs to outperform others at school.

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 05/06/2013 14:36

HeadsDown, I got criticised for my parental approach and thought to myself that there is nothing wrong with it. I posted to see people's responses.

OP posts:
pickledsiblings · 05/06/2013 14:38

OP, like you, I have a little one that is learning the violin. It is a joy to see him interact with his teacher and master the different skills required. He enjoys the one to one element of his lessons and can see that he is improving. When it comes to practice I am fairly laid back as I do not want to be a 'nag'. If you find that you are 'nagging' your DC then that in my book is the wrong kind of pushy.

Boomba · 05/06/2013 14:39

For those who consider themselves pushy parents, what do you consider your parenting faults are?

HeadsDownThumbsUp · 05/06/2013 14:39

Why solicit their responses though, if you're not actually interested in them?

If you're just looking for affirmation and tips, then make that clear. Don't instigate an open ended debate if you're not interested in opposing views.

You've ignored a lot of posters, been dismissive to others who haven't agreed with you, and generally wasted the time of a lot of posters who offered their different views in good faith. It's very rude.

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