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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that there is nothing wrong with being a "pushy" mum

999 replies

CliftonGirl · 03/06/2013 10:55

Just that really. I used to be a "relaxed" mum with DS1 which I regret, but thankfully I switched to a "pushy" mode when he was in year four. As a result he moved from a bottom-middle set to a super selective grammar and doing brilliantly. I am very pushy with the younger DCs.

I've noticed a lot of people on mumsnet think that we are still in the 20th century and you can get to Oxbridge from a mediocre school without much effort. AIBU to think that the world is much more competitive now and there is no choice but to push DC to achieve?

Ps, English is not my first language, so please don't flame me for the spelling mistakes.

OP posts:
MadeOfStarDust · 05/06/2013 13:23

Why are people using "high achieving"and "pushed" as synonyms?

I'm not.... my kids achieve highly musically, sports wise, socially though they do not need any pushing as they love piano, karate, and being with friends...

I associate pushiness with a perceived need for high academic achievement - as if getting a degree from a good uni and a high paying job to follow are the only things in life to be considered important.

Been there, done that, they're not...

Coffeeformeplease · 05/06/2013 13:25

Clifton, I read Bounce, it's my dh's Bible.

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 05/06/2013 13:26

Coffee, mine too! :)

OP posts:
Coffeeformeplease · 05/06/2013 13:27

See, we do have something in common.
Do you have a table tennis shed at the bottom of your garden?

merrymouse · 05/06/2013 13:27

@niceguy, I'm not really sure what an A in maths at GCSE means nowadays. However, I wouldn't really regard encouraging a child to get an A as being particularly pushy, if it were within their ability.

I think by the time they reach GCSE you know what is within their ability. From what I can gather about 22% of pupils used to get a C in O-level maths (regarded as minimum for university entrance) and I understand that a similar percentage get some kind of A at GCSE. Therefore, it seems to me that A is the new 'pass' in maths. I'm not sure that there is evidence that people are better at maths though.

pickledsiblings · 05/06/2013 13:28

Yes but Clifton, why was he in the bottom set? Was he a late developer?

I think parents can 'coast' just as their offspring can, especially if they are being told that their DC are doing fine. Someone has to be in the bottom set so to a teacher that is not necessarily a 'problem' in itself.

I have 3 DC. Eldest started school reading and was a free reader very early on, perceived as bright (by teachers) passed 11+ for super-selective (although turned it down for selective indy) and is doing v. well in terms of A*s. Middle DC (just as bright if not brighter) was a latish developer (perceived by us) although we didn't teach him to read before school as he was interested in other things (mainly lego). Third DC (brighter than the lot and v. emotionally intelligent, others are too but not as good at reasoning) is doing v. well according to his teacher. Reading level is lower than middle DC at same stage and writing is streets behind. I only just realised this as I came across an old diary entry where I had noted down the info about middle DC. I now feel that we have been coasting with 3rd DC and have taken our eye off the ball due to reassurances from the teacher. He is in Y1, I wouldn't consider him to be a late developer and we will be working on his reading and writing over the summer - pushy, moi??

So, do our own internal standards determine how pushy we are and if so, should they be related to/determined by standards in schools? I want my DC to be at least as good as I am at things, lucky for them (or not), I am above average (although not brilliant) at lots of things.

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 05/06/2013 13:28

No, but they use the dining table instead. :)

OP posts:
amazingmumof6 · 05/06/2013 13:29

see wordfactory that's not being "pushy"! that is firing him up to not miss s fantastic opportunity!

I would've done the same, we all get cold feet and butterflies and it's the best thing to have someone around who loves us and encourages us to not give up in these situations!

well done you and him!
excellent teamwork!

(my DS1 is also a choir boy at a Royal Chapel and is loving it! )

niceguy2 · 05/06/2013 13:31

There doesn't seem to be a lot of "fun" time in your house

Not sure who that comment was aimed at. And I'm not sure how you can conclude that.

I think some have visions that I tie my kids to a desk at home until they've completed 10 hours of homework and additional learning. In fact the opposite is true. I don't force them to work at all. It is entirely possible to get top grades at GCSE's without studying 10 hours a day and forgoing a social life.

I have high expectations. I don't see how that is wrong? To me having low expectations or no expectations is wrong. How can a child feel they can achieve if their own parents think they can't??

skyeskyeskye · 05/06/2013 13:31

nothing I have said is defeatist on talent.... if DD has a talent and wants to improve on it, then she can, or if she wishes to learn an instrument then she can, and if she is good at it, then she can improve, but I would not force her to play piano or violin if she did not want to. She has friends aged 6 that do something every single night after school, sometimes two things a night. The parents never have any money, because they insist that the kids have to do all these things.

and no, I wont be reading "Bounce". I am not the slightest bit interested in pushing my child. She is bright and intelligent, but most of all, she is 5 years old. I am not interested in creating a nuclear scientist or a champion, she will be what she will be.

I will encourage her in whatever she wants to do as she grows up, but I will certainly not be getting her extra tuition to push her.

puckertoe · 05/06/2013 13:32

What happens to children who are just not accademically tuned? Why are the pushy parents always the parent of the most tallented, most clever little ones on the planet? If there are a coulple of hundred places at Oxbridge, what do these parents do/feel when their little darling doesn't get in. Presumably they decide then that the system must be wrong..... like all the rest of us?

HeadsDownThumbsUp · 05/06/2013 13:32

OP - you seem completely and utterly resistant to the possibility that being a 'pushy' parent might be a bad thing. So why did you bother starting the thread? Was it just to flaunt your pushy credentials? Because you don't seem at all interested in other people's perspectives, unless they agree with your own.

Coffeeformeplease · 05/06/2013 13:32

I now think I may know a few of you. Heads off to write PMs...

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 05/06/2013 13:33

Puckertoe, in my experience, if you start very early and dc is not special needs you can bring them up to be reasonably academic. But the key is an early start.

OP posts:
Original poster
CliftonGirl · 05/06/2013 13:35

Headsdown I was trying to argue my point of view and see other people opinions on the subject.

OP posts:
Boomba · 05/06/2013 13:36

I have mo designs on my children going to top universities, if they go to university at all. If they arrive at a place I'm their lives where they think it OS of any significance that they haven't been to Oxford or Cambridge, then I would pretty much consider that a parenting failure

lljkk · 05/06/2013 13:37

AIBU to think that the world is much more competitive now and there is no choice but to push DC to achieve?

YABVU. Terrible to argue that the picture of a successful life is so narrowly defined.

Munashe · 05/06/2013 13:37

If you liked bounce you should also read Outliers by Max Gladwell and also the Talent Code (cant remember name of author) Smile

HeadsDownThumbsUp · 05/06/2013 13:39

Why do you want to argue your point of view though? If you are convinced you are doing the best thing for your DCs - then do it. Why bother looking for affirmation from other people, or spend time telling people who disagree that you are doing the best thing.

Lots of people on this thread have offered reasons, some from experience, some as a matter of judgement, as to why being pushy might not work out for the best, and you have either ignored them, or told them that they are wrong because 'the worst case scenario' doesn't happen that often (in your view). So what are you trying to gain here?

boschy · 05/06/2013 13:39

Some posters sound almost as if they are in competition with their children - "I did this, so you should do at least as well".

I remember my Dad saying once, when I got 94% in Latin and came second in class, "good, better, best, never let it rest". This reminds me of the "B is a fail" comment. Luckily my mother had the frying pan to hand... Grin To me, that is not motivational.

DD1 has recently taken up riding again, and I was thinking about doing it too. But, for various dull reasons, I would need to be in the same lesson as her - and I'm naturally a much better rider than her (more empathy, taught better as a youngster, years more experience blah blah). So I'm not going to do it - why would I try and steal her experience?

One of my DDs is below average, the other just above - I encourage and support, provide help if it is required, provide opportunities they want (eg riding, music, maths tutoring at primary) but the crucial thing is it is their choice, and they can stop doing it without any kind of comeback.

We are creating individuals, not pegs in a system, as long as they can think for themselves and discuss the issues/route they need to take to do something, then I think you have to trust them to develop.

Lazyjaney · 05/06/2013 13:41

@niceguy, I'm not really sure what an A in maths at GCSE means nowadays. However, I wouldn't really regard encouraging a child to get an A as being particularly pushy, if it were within their ability

Well, the kids' school reckons if you aren't capable/on track for an A* in maths then A levels will be very hard going, they say there is a huge jump.

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 05/06/2013 13:43

I've read the Talent code too.

OP posts:
puckertoe · 05/06/2013 13:43

Neither of my DC chose to attend after school activities... they'd rather be at home where we had more fun than ballet,or learning the trumpet, guitar or the netball team. All of which they tried over the school years. They did do weekend activities, fell running, bike-rides with mum and dad, walking, camping and family stuff. We never had enough money for all those paid for activities, child car, nannies and other people to do our parenting..
Both of them got into the university of their choice. So you don't have to feel inadequate about not being a pushy parent, wich is what I suppose this is all about in the end. Some people just want to have their pushiness and the amount of money they spend on it justified.

pickledsiblings · 05/06/2013 13:47

Some posters sound almost as if they are in competition with their children - "I did this, so you should do at least as well".

I said that I want my DC to be at least as good as I am at things. That is my 'internal' standard and as such I would never voice it to them and I am certainly NOT in competition with them. I just feel that if I can do 'it' then there is no reason why they shouldn't be able to (provided that there is no reason obviously).

Of course they also do things that I never had the opportunity to do as we are in a position to offer those opportunities to them.

wordfactory · 05/06/2013 13:49

amazingmum being a chorister has been wonderful for DS.

He has (for the most part) loved it!