To think that there is nothing wrong with being a "pushy" mum

[CliftonGirl]

Just that really. I used to be a "relaxed" mum with DS1 which I regret, but thankfully I switched to a "pushy" mode when he was in year four. As a result he moved from a bottom-middle set to a super selective grammar and doing brilliantly. I am very pushy with the younger DCs.

I've noticed a lot of people on mumsnet think that we are still in the 20th century and you can get to Oxbridge from a mediocre school without much effort. AIBU to think that the world is much more competitive now and there is no choice but to push DC to achieve?

Ps, English is not my first language, so please don't flame me for the spelling mistakes.

^^
I think GCSE A* will reward discipline and ability to grind. But A levels and Uni require real ability.

IME (DSS1 is revising right now) you need, as a parent, to use as many motivational tools and strategies as you've got in order to keep them going!

^^
Agree - and if that means pushy, so be it.

Boomba - have you noticed that car dealers sell used KIAs but pre-owned Mercedes? This is because the term 'used' has negative connotations among those who would buy a luxury brand. Same with 'pushy parenting'.

Most of us are 'pushy' to some degree. At one extreme you have parents who start training their 3 year olds to be the next Yo Yo Ma or Darcy Bussell. At the other you have the parent that does reading and numeracy at home rather than leaving it to the sole charge of their primary school. Because of the negative connotations, these parents tell themselves that they are being supportive rather than being pushy. As if your average kid is gagging to do maths at home with mom rather than play.

Sorry boomba but you are a pushy parent. But feel free to play the used/pre-owned game.

Elastamum-My partner, who is an academic, says 'You can always resit an exam, but you cant re sit your childhood'

What a wonderful quote .I will use that (especially if I ever need to when book holidays in term time)

Why academic achievements and a happy childhood should be mutually exelusive? I think you can have both.

I mean "exclusive"

My DCs are in highly selective schools. Loads of homework and almost weekly tests. Music wise they have lessons each week in two instruments. On top of this is quartet and orchestra rehearsal. Despite this they manage to fit in sports and athletics after school and brain dead activities like watching TV and YouTube videos, and playing PC games.

So like CliftonGirl I'm a bit at people who think that pushed children can't be happy.

If DC with high academic achievements can't be happy, then every single boy in DS' school is in abject misery!

Perhpas I will tell them they are being robebdof their childhood ...if I can interupt them in their on line games of FIFA!

Watching TV is positively correlated with academic success.

Then DD is set for Harvard .

Sounds good

I think you can have both if you are the right kind of child.

For me, the academic opportunities and expectations were part of what made my childhood so great; they created the magic.

For my db, they were something that made him feel inadequate and thinking about it today makes him revisit that feeling of inadequacy.

He only started feeling good about himself when he found a way of life that was very far removed from his parents' idea of a worthwhile life.

Note that I think treating me like my db would have been as damaging as treating my db like me.

Most rich people are unhappy people.

Most kids at academically pushy schools are also unhappy.

Would anyone like to add to the list?

Well, Habba if we're doing generalisations I'm happy to add:

Most pushy mothers are the worst combination of pretentious and pedestrian.

"Why academic achievements and a happy childhood should be mutually exelusive? I think you can have both."

You can't move for straw men on this thread. Very tedious.

Then move on, seeker...

Tis very easy!

PoppyAmex - if that 'feel good' generalisation makes you feel better about yourself then feel free to embrace it.

I like to embrace perjorative terms, since they're generally used out of ignorance, fear and spite

Pushy. Guilty as charged.
Ambitious ditto.
Then there's new money, vain....

I think the happy thing is quite valid -

My nieces schedule is packed:

Brownies on Monday,
Cello on Tuesday - with practise every day,
ballet on Wednesday,
Maths tutor on Thursday,
Piano on Friday with practise every day -
swimming on Saturday morning, modern dance Saturday afternoon, Sunday homework and visit Gran if there is no swimming club competition.

My SIL tears her hair out rescheduling if they need a doctor's appointment or a parents evening - or anything to do with life outside extra-curricular activities... she chose a Brownie troop 3 towns over because they don't "do" camps and interfere with Saturday activites....

They never seem "happy" though... and when we do meet up at Gran's on a Sunday cannot entertain themselves for more than 10 min - I guess they rarely have to.

madeofstardust that's an over scheduled child, not necessarily a high achieving one!

And to be honest, some DC suit lots of extra currics. DD was always a joiner-inner. Always wanting to do more and more stuff and positively thriving on it!

Wheras DS was far more of a homebody.

It's horses for courses. I don't think you can draw a consclusion from your neice!

But doesn't it piss you off too, word?

Poster A "I tell my children that a B is a failure in this house"
Poster B" But not every child is capable of an A- for some B is a real achievement and should be celebrated. And even an A* child will sometimes get a B- telling them they are failures if they do is likely to be damaging"
Poster C "Well, if you're happy for your children to drift round doing nothing but colouring in until they are 16, I'm certainly not."

"PoppyAmex - if that 'feel good' generalisation makes you feel better about yourself then feel free to embrace it."

It was obviously a bit tongue in cheek in response to your post, but I must admit it's probably a hang-up from my childhood - "pushy mothers" were very much seen as "new money / common".

It doesn't make me feel good or bad, as (bar abuse) I don't particularly care about how other people raise their children.