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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that there is nothing wrong with being a "pushy" mum

999 replies

CliftonGirl · 03/06/2013 10:55

Just that really. I used to be a "relaxed" mum with DS1 which I regret, but thankfully I switched to a "pushy" mode when he was in year four. As a result he moved from a bottom-middle set to a super selective grammar and doing brilliantly. I am very pushy with the younger DCs.

I've noticed a lot of people on mumsnet think that we are still in the 20th century and you can get to Oxbridge from a mediocre school without much effort. AIBU to think that the world is much more competitive now and there is no choice but to push DC to achieve?

Ps, English is not my first language, so please don't flame me for the spelling mistakes.

OP posts:
TinBox · 04/06/2013 20:05

DC are boys

Ah, right. I see, ok. They can just follow their dad's example, and not yours, because they are going be encouraged to follow rigid gender lines. Problem solved...

mummytowillow · 04/06/2013 20:06

You sound like my SIL, her 6 year old is a 'free reader' but can't dress herself. She has to have help to get dressed for PE. But SIL thinks being academic is more important than social skills.

I want my daughter to do well, but I want her to enjoy school and above all be happy.

I'm not bothered if she wants to get a job or go to uni, her choice.

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 04/06/2013 20:09

I don't know, I feel like I contribute by being a sahm, so it's ok for dh to provide for me and kids. When I'll start working I'll hopefully contribute in a financial way too. I can't see a problem uf Dhaka and I are both happy with thus arrangement.

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 04/06/2013 20:10

Dreadful, stifling and dull.

What is particularly odd about this story is that your DH is miserable in his job, presumably a job he studied his rear end off for ? Does that not tell you anything ?

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 04/06/2013 20:10

Grr stupid phone, I mean DH and I.

OP posts:
ReallyTired · 04/06/2013 20:12

"are you fucking joking?"

Boomba levels of education certainly make a difference in the developing world and there is some evidence to show that women with better qualifications make better choices than those with no qualifications. Going to primary school dramatically increases life expectancy. What is not so easy to tell is at what point level of qualifications make little difference.

www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/09/16/AR2010091606384.html

www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/05/130531114637.htm

journal.lib.uoguelph.ca/index.php/surg/article/view/1094/1665

www.gse.harvard.edu/news-impact/2012/09/illiteracy/

This paper is by Essex university and shows that education benefits mothers in developed countries as well.

www.iser.essex.ac.uk/files/iser_working_papers/2010-16.pdf

It makes no great difference whether a mother works or not. Education develops cognitive thinking and helps the mother make better life decisions. (Ie. picking a school carefully or knowing when to go to the GP or deciding whether to give their child the MMR).

Anyway I think the OP is setting an example for her children. She is studying part time to become an accountant.

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 04/06/2013 20:13

Unfortunately not everybody can have such an exciting life like yours, comingtomyown.

OP posts:
wordfactory · 04/06/2013 20:15

The biggest predictor of a child's educational outcomes is the educational level of the Mother (though I suspect this is linked to her being, usually, the primary carer, and may well change in families where the father is the primary carer).

But of course the second biggest predictor is the family's income.

breatheslowly · 04/06/2013 20:16

If your DSs go to a well regarded university, they may well meet their future wife there. I think that the majority of high-flying female graduates intend to continue their career when they have children and are often ill-prepared for life as a SAHM. Being a SAHM may be alien to them, either because they have watched their mothers work or because they are used to high pressure work environments which are quite different to being a SAHM (not that I don't think this can be high pressured and interesting). It is worth raising your DSs to have an open mind about whether they wish to have a wife who is a SAHM or WOHM as it may well not be their choice.

wordfactory · 04/06/2013 20:18

Though breathes high earning men are statistically more likley to have a wife that stays at home with the kids.

Partly because the family can afford it.
And partly because he will most likely have married a high earning woman (and such women are statistically less likely to keep up their career post DC).

comingintomyown · 04/06/2013 20:19

Oh gosh not exciting at all but yes diverting enough that were I to consider taking up an instrument or language it would be for my own enjoyment not to do alongside my DC

IKnowWhat · 04/06/2013 20:20

I know a few intelligent high achieving women who when they had kids and end up as SAHM see their role as 'Mother' very much as their new job. You can almost see them setting themselves objectives. You get the feeling that they are waiting for their next appraisal. Smile
It's not neseccerily a bad thing and they will probably get the results they want.
I am a SAHM with Uni age kids. I had a lot of time for my kids but I couldn't quite be arsed being too involved with the minutiae of their education. It's worked out well for us but each to their own.

wordfactory · 04/06/2013 20:20

And it doesn't have to be either or!

Why do people make that assumption?

You can have a very interesting career and make loads of filthy luchre!

Coffeeformeplease · 04/06/2013 20:24

Blood hell, Roary. Don't still look for her love. I hope you found some outside your family.

Where exactly do you live, Clifton, just to warn my daughters in case they come across your sons (in years to come...) joking Grin

Roary1 · 04/06/2013 20:26

I have a lovely husband. It just breaks my heart what has happened.

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 04/06/2013 20:30

Be careful coffee, they might chain your daughters to washing machines and the dishwasher and keep them pregnant and barefoot...

OP posts:
elastamum · 04/06/2013 20:34

My partner, who is an academic, says 'You can always resit an exam, but you cant re sit your childhood' Hmm

IKnowWhat · 04/06/2013 20:39

I have just skimmed back through this thread and noticed that there is a distinct lack of direct responses to the OP's AIBU, so here is mine

Op, YANBU , (As long as you don't overdo it and as long as you give them freedom to make their own decisions as they get older. Don't take it all too seriously and make sure you have fun.)

Coffeeformeplease · 04/06/2013 20:43

Roary, glad you found happiness. I have grieved for the childhood I never had, it has helped. Letting go of innate desires is hard. Don't be too upset, it seems your mum still plays the power game.

PoppyAmex · 04/06/2013 21:28

"DC are boys. Their dad is a high earner. Their mum is a sahm. They follow their dad's example - study hard, work hard, provide for your wife and kids."

Or maybe their wives can provide for themselves? Or maybe they'll grow up to be gay? Hmm

TinBox · 04/06/2013 21:49

Would you even bother "pushing" a daughter academically and professionally, if you had one? Or would you just push them to 'marry well'? Or do you see academic and professional success as a route to a rich husband?

PoppyAmex · 04/06/2013 21:50

Or maybe they'll study hard, get married and decide to be a SAHD

nooka · 04/06/2013 21:51

It seems an incredibly joyless and inflexible message to give to your children. Nothing about pursuing your dreams or making the world a better place, nothing about personal happiness or fulfillment. In fact just about the opposite messages that I am giving my children.

Of course I push a bit too, who doesn't, but my message is that if you work hard opportunities open up to you, for you to do what you want to do, whether it is become a defense lawyer, motivational speaker, cowgirl, computer game designer, prime minister, inventor, writer, travel the world etc (some of my children's aspirations over the last few years). Find your abilities and find your passions and pursue them if you can.

It seems to me very sad that both the OP and her dh are only doing things (job, course) because they see material gain. The OP has pretty much said she doesn't want to be an accountant, and she has stated that her dh hates his job, and yet she appears to be pushing her children to go down the same narrow route. That just seems very sad to me.

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 04/06/2013 21:56

Why would I push a daughter to "marry well"? Of course I'd like her to have the same opportunities and experiences like her brothers, why would not I?

I think my words were taken out of the context, I was responding to a question how I can set an example as a SAHM to my kids, to which I replied that their dad can set an example for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
CliftonGirl · 04/06/2013 21:58

Nooka, my mum always encouraged me to "follow my dream", I ended up with a useless degree, I don't want my kids to have the same experience.

OP posts: