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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that there is nothing wrong with being a "pushy" mum

999 replies

CliftonGirl · 03/06/2013 10:55

Just that really. I used to be a "relaxed" mum with DS1 which I regret, but thankfully I switched to a "pushy" mode when he was in year four. As a result he moved from a bottom-middle set to a super selective grammar and doing brilliantly. I am very pushy with the younger DCs.

I've noticed a lot of people on mumsnet think that we are still in the 20th century and you can get to Oxbridge from a mediocre school without much effort. AIBU to think that the world is much more competitive now and there is no choice but to push DC to achieve?

Ps, English is not my first language, so please don't flame me for the spelling mistakes.

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 04/06/2013 19:43

It is a personal attack - it says the OP has accomplished nothing in her life, basically and that she therefore has no right to want her children to be academics.

It's quite possible for a parent to have different goals for their child than they had for themselves, because actually we are all different!

amazingmumof6 · 04/06/2013 19:43

Tinbox I reported you.
I don't care about the context, that is a nasty thing to say in any circumstance.

Boomba · 04/06/2013 19:45

In fact the oldest said that he wants his future wife to be a sahm like me and take a good care of his future kids just like I do with him and his brothers

Urgh...you are being unreasonable right there!!

TinBox · 04/06/2013 19:45

Of course I don't think that "a good education" is wasted on a SAHM. I think being a SAHM is great, for lots and lots of reasons. But I also don't believe that professional success and earning well is the be all and end all in life. I'm all for encouraging education, but not necessarily instilling the idea that being a professional high earner is the ultimate goal of that education.

amazingmumof6 · 04/06/2013 19:45

and lottie I totally agree with you

TinBox · 04/06/2013 19:46

Why? Explain what's nasty about it?

Boomba · 04/06/2013 19:46

There is loads of research that shows that better educated mothers make better mothers

are you fucking joking?

ReallyTired · 04/06/2013 19:47

Roary1 I am sorry to hear about your abusive childhood.

There is world of difference between pushy parenting and outright abuse.

Good parents are sufficently pushy to not allow their children to lounge about the X-box and piss their education up the wall. However its essential to allow children to follow their own dreams.

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 04/06/2013 19:47

Boomba, it's a well known research... Google it.

OP posts:
TinBox · 04/06/2013 19:48

I don't believe that marrying a high earner is an "accomplishment", no. I'm happy to say that, time and time again.

That's not the same as saying that the OP has accomplished nothing in their lives.

PaperSeagull · 04/06/2013 19:49

Oh, dear. "Provide for your wife and kids"? No, that is not the sort of retrograde message I would want boys to grow up believing.

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 04/06/2013 19:49

Oups, did not realise it said "best mothers". The research I referred to was about mothers education being the best prediction of children's academic achievements.

OP posts:
Boomba · 04/06/2013 19:51

it would depend on how you define 'better' mum wouldnt it?

I refer you back to my original point, that you are a bunch of pretentious self inflated snobs

THAT is a personal attack

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 04/06/2013 19:51

What's wrong with providing for your wife and kids?

OP posts:
Roary1 · 04/06/2013 19:51

My dad used to beat me with a hockey stick and mum taught me I was possessed by the devil (or sometimes my uncle who committed suicide) she even saw his silhouette manifesting out of my body.
It absolutely breaks my heart she will not talk to me. We banned my dad from speaking to my son as he threatened to kill him when he was a baby.

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 04/06/2013 19:52

I did not mean "better" mum, I am not even sure if there is such thing as a "better mum".

OP posts:
Original poster
CliftonGirl · 04/06/2013 19:56

Roary, your mother was not pushy, she was mentally ill .

OP posts:
Roary1 · 04/06/2013 19:58

No she is not mental. The moment I got to about 13 and said I did not believe in demonic possession she stopped saying it. If she was delusional she would have carried on. My GP thought she was odd but not mental.

Boomba · 04/06/2013 19:59

as if we need an up coming generation of men, that expect their wives to stay at home and look after the kids

scottishmummy · 04/06/2013 19:59

you wAnt your sons to attain,and girls can marry well and be housewives?
marry well is such an antiquated concept.dutiful wife beholden to affluent dh
why would you seek to influence sons that keeping a housewife is male role?where is their choice

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 04/06/2013 20:01

Boomba, with the cost of childcare I can't see another solution. Or do you expect the future generation to be brought up by robots or something and not their mothers?

OP posts:
PaperSeagull · 04/06/2013 20:02

If you believe that boys must follow in their fathers' footsteps, that they must be the wage-earners in order to "provide" for their wives and children, that they can learn nothing from their mothers' example simply because they are boys. . . Well, then I would say that I couldn't disagree with you more.

If a couple decides that one parent (either the mother or the father) should stay at home with the children, then they can arrange their lives that way (though I am not entirely convinced that social conventions and realities make this the free choice it is often touted to be). But raising a boy to believe he must be the financial provider while his wife stays at home is just a wee bit too close to a 1950s fantasy for me.

I'm a healthy adult. I would run very far and very fast in the opposite direction if my DH ever suggested he had to provide for me.

HabbaDabba · 04/06/2013 20:02

I don't agree with TinBox posted but it was hardly a personal attack Hmm

Boomba · 04/06/2013 20:04

or how about the kids are taken care of by their stay-at-home-dad??

or 50-50 shared between mum and dad??

they'll be lucky to have a wife and kds, if they are expecting to marry a woman who will then stay at home

Original poster
CliftonGirl · 04/06/2013 20:05

It was ds's idea, not mine. This is the model he sees at home. I am sure when he'll grow up he might change his views.

OP posts: