To think that there is nothing wrong with being a "pushy" mum

[CliftonGirl]

Just that really. I used to be a "relaxed" mum with DS1 which I regret, but thankfully I switched to a "pushy" mode when he was in year four. As a result he moved from a bottom-middle set to a super selective grammar and doing brilliantly. I am very pushy with the younger DCs.

I've noticed a lot of people on mumsnet think that we are still in the 20th century and you can get to Oxbridge from a mediocre school without much effort. AIBU to think that the world is much more competitive now and there is no choice but to push DC to achieve?

Ps, English is not my first language, so please don't flame me for the spelling mistakes.

What you're talking about with buses and cooking isn't pushing- it's parenting!

So why does it suddenly become pushing when it is their education!?!?!

"Boomba Ds1 is going to study Latin next year. Following your logic I should discourage him because nobody uses it anymore."

Well, there is Latin America.

... Would he be in that position if he couldn't speak French ...

I leaned the rules of football including the offside rule...I have suffered for my DC I tell ya!

But seriously, I can't see how learning French to help with homework could be a problem.

I remember DC's primary sending out a pamphlet and holding a class in numeracy. It was to help all us old gimmers understand the new fangled ways of doing stuff. And to stop us endlessly saying 'we didn't do it like that!'

I can't see how it's a Jolly Good Thing if it's organised and school approved, but a Bad Thing and Pointless if you do it off your own back!

Because any NT person can get a bus and cook. They are basic life skills. An A* or even(!) an A are beyond some people- and unrealistic expectations are unfair and undermining.

niceguy, again it's about the reasonableness of expectations

cooking and using public transport are things most people can learn if they do not have serious special needs; perseverance will usually get you there

again, basic literacy and maths (and imo basic command of a MFL) are things that should be well within the capabilities of most people so even if your dc is only moderately gifted that is a reasonable request to make

if working hard brings success and the dc show talent, then it may well be that they can profitably be encouraged to work even harder

but supposing you were a keen gymnast and your dc had no talent above the average: would it be reasonable to insist that she had to make the Olympic team and to keep asking her why she hadn't passed selection?

I spend a certain amount of time trying to tactfully explain to students that they haven't actually done anything wrong, that as they have taken on board the advice offered and worked as hard as they could using all the apppropriate instructions, their 2:1 or even 2:2 does not represent failure. It represents their reward for what they have achieved. The fact that there are other students on the course who can write far more original and interesting essays is neither their fault nor mine.

what are you doing with tri lingual children?

Telling your kid to get out of bed because its 11am on a weekend is "parenting".

Telling your kid to get out of bed because its 11am on a weekend and he has to get on with his French for example is being pushy

I understand booma, op is not learning an instrument or another language for herself, because she wants to, she is living her life through her children and tat is not right. By doing this in this way, she is becoming too involved in her childrens lives, really it makes her look a bit silly tbh

But cory it's very different at GCSE and younger.

An reasonably clever student can get very good grades with enough perseverence. The prinicples are not that stretching.

Well, there is Latin America

I suspect it was a joke boomba

Remember those?

Sheesh, and you guys say we pushy mothers are serious.

My point was that in order to end up with trilingual childen you must have made a conscious effort to get to where you are.

Mine speak English and the language from the 'old country'. We make an effort not to speak English at home and Sunday's my DCs go to a special community school to learn to read and write.

This is the effort we put in just to have bilingual DCs.

And a bit like an alpha mum

at boomba

Learning an instrument to help your children is silly? My youngest is 3 years old, he has formal lessons 1-2 times a week with a tutor, but because I''ve learned his instrument I can easily guide him at home, make sure he is holding it right, etc. I also help him with reading music, he is very good at it now, he is even 'composing little melodies and tries to write them down using notes. It's great fun and I really enjoy playing music with my kids or whatching them play together.

I'm stubborn as shit. or determined.

done and achieved things on my own, but I wish my parents pushed me more to play the piano and not give up or be more organized at a younger age and many more things.

I don't blame them though.

as to whether I'm a pushy mum or not I don't know.

Surely if I was I'd know by now?

word the problem there is that you've just said "any reasonably clever student can get very good grades", that's fine if you have expectations of an A for a "reasonably clever student", but the pushiest parents I've ever come across have very average kids. If you are average then no matter how pushy your parents are you aren't going to get an A, you're more likely to get a B or even a C .

i agree piglet

what is described by OP doesnt equal pushy or useful in my book; just a bit disconnected and odd

Habba we didnt put any effort in really...3 languages spoken at home

No clifton it makes you a...alpha mum... .

Honestly, the thing I don't undersatnd really is why folk care! Why do they get their knickers in a twist about what we do with our DC?

If our DC are happy and thriving, then what's the problemo if we look silly or do summat that's pointless?

gotta read thread.

An reasonably clever student can get very good grades with enough perseverence. The prinicples are not that stretching.

Hmmm; I'm a university lecturer and would strongly disagree with ^ statement. Some students, as Cory already pointed out, are not going to get above a 2:2, not matter how hard they work. And as long as they genuinely enjoy their course, and genuinely do their best, that's ok IMO. Top grades are called top grades for a reason: they are, you know, TOP. As in, higher than average or below average grades. So it stands to reason that not just anyone can achieve them, even with hard work.

true, wordfactory, I was thinking more in terms of later parental expectations, as they are the ones I see more about

though I do think it is possible to set up ideas of "I must never disappoint mummy" at a very young age which can still haunt the older teen and young adult

and even at GCSE there are students who will struggle to get A's despite hard work

as you yourself say: "An reasonably clever student can get very good grades with enough perseverence."

What do you do if your child is not reasonably clever? Is that simply not allowed to happen on Mumsnet?

I don't really believe that MN falls very neatly into pushers and non-pushers. I think a fair few of us are like me, in the middle, willing to try our best but be flexible if things turn out differently, equally likely to react to a strong statement from either camp.

biscuit you need to read what I said in its entirety.

I said a reasonably clever student can do well enough at GCSE or before. I think A Level and higher requires a lot more ability.

wordfactory...maybe because some of you, start threads asking for others opinions?

I doubt any of us here, actually care what you do with your dcs, I expect we are all just a bit bored/ or trying to avoid the tasks we should be doing...