To think that a 4 year old is too old for nappies?

[TheSeventhHorcrux]

Old charge of mine, a month or two away from starting school. He wore a nappy 24/7 and never used a toilet/potty. Ever. He would do at least one MASSIVE poo a day, would never say when he had gone or that he needed to go. It was only until the smell hit you or you noticed it coming out of the top of his nappy... (I'm talking a too-big for nappy job, always very soft.(TMI sorry!) When I changed him I always had to stick him in the shower it was so messy and it STANK)

Parents not bothered, I was only temp PT so i couldn't train him though I tried to encourage him to tell, use a potty etc.

AIBU to think a 4 year old shouldn't need a nappy during the day?

(he doesn't have SN)

My 3 year old is a PITA (excusethepun) n

toilet training is a nightmare, will only wee in the potty , if reminded!!!!

I could cry sometimes its so hard an judgemental people male it a lot harder, have you asked his parents why?

Totally agree with those saying it is not lazy parenting. Have tried everything with DD2 and no joy at the moment and she is three and a half. I am desperate for her to train as I feel so judged (thanks for adding to that op). Must be so wonderful to be such a perfect parent. Her twin actually died shortly after birth, maybe you think that is my fault too.

OP hit and run.

I suspect this hasn't gone the way she expected so has fucked off.

YABU

YABD

YABAT

My DS2 started mainstream primary ft wearing nappies. He has autism and his statement was going through. He had an intimate care plan in place and his ta used to change him throughout the day. It took until the summer term for him to be toilet trained. Schools cannot refuse a child a place if they are in nappies.
OP- you are wrong to judge, assuming this is a real thread

My first born was in nappies until he was 4 years old.

No one would know to look at him that he had SN's unless they knew me well.

You have no idea if he has health or emotional issues either.

Besides.. even if he hasn't I have always waited for my children to show an interest in the potty themselves. I put a potty out and let them play with it but never rushed the matter. I had one who was fully trained at 2 years old but the others were around 3 and a half and as I said, my eldest was 4 and a half.

It is really horrid having to change a 4 year olds nappy and I doubt many parents would choose to do so out of laziness. I am sure there is a medical reason for it and even if there isn't it's noyb.

Lazy parenting?

Change a 4 year olds dirty nappy and tell me it's lazy parenting.

It is MUCH easier to train a 4 year old (with no medical issues) then have to change a nappy at that age. I don't believe for one minute that is has anything to do with laziness.

At aged 4 they often need showers after using a nappy, it isn't pleasant and a lazy parent would much rather have their child using the toilet rather than deal with that mess.

Get a life

I think the OP is getting an unreasonably hard time about this post.

Firstly, she hasn't named the child, just because he was a child in her care doesn't mean she can't discuss it, she just can't identify him.

Under "usual" circumstances I think 4 is too old, obviously if there were issues, whether they were special needs or not it seems unlikely the parents would not have briefed the OP.

To be fair to the OP she did disclaim SN and then posters with children with SN still get up and say she's being judgey! She cant win.

OP, assuming nothing we don't know about (obviously, but duh) YANBU to think it odd that this child had not been trained. Sure, there might be something you don't know about, but assuming there isn't and taking it as a hypothetical situation, absolutely YANBU.

I have child that was still in pull ups few months before school. She has history of constipation and stool witholding and therefore couldn't feel when she needed to wee or bowels were moving. Now at school still wets self occasionally. Until recently refused to do poo in loo only in pull up at home. I was advised by experts to back off and NOT takeaway pull up. After 1.5 years of loo training she started pooing in loo just before she was 5. We got advice from gp , health visitor, paediatrician, and finally continance clinic. Not always as clear cut as it seems. Sometimes also kids have prob with potty training and find out later they are SN.

To be fair to the OP she did disclaim SN and then posters with children with SN still get up and say she's being judgey! She cant win.

I think most of the posters with children with sn, are saying that at 4, you may not know whether your child has sn, or may be in the process of finding out.

I don't understand why the op didn't discuss this with the parents, if she thought it was so unreasonable.

'I think the OP is getting an unreasonably hard time about this post.'

I think that's putting it mildly! OP has posted anonymously on an anonymous forum - there are no details given that could lead to the identify of the child or family being found out. Isn't that one of the great things about MN - you can discuss things that may be difficult to discuss in real life precisely because it is anonymous?

OP, I agree with TattyDevine that YANBU to be concerned and to find it unusual that a 4 year old child without special needs or any medical conditions that you are aware of is still using nappies. In the absence of these issues, a 4 year old is too old to be using nappies.

Other people have called you judgemental, I think you're just using your judgement, which is an important thing to do when you're in a position of responsibility.

And while children may have bowel problems or undiagnosed SN, there is also a possibility that parents have decided not to start toilet training for their own reasons. That is a legitimate possibility and one that merits discussion. Other posters on here have said they have worked with children in this situation, as have I. It does happen.

From what I and fellow grannies remember, children do seem to stay in nappies longer now. It can't be that there has been some physiological change. If most toddlers could be trained between 2 and 3, as they used to be, why are so many still in nappies at 3 or even 4?

I think disposables have a lot to do with it. There was a huge incentive to get your child 'clean and dry' if you were washing the nappies. And children were much more aware of cause when the effect was so obvious. Not much fun for a toddler to have a wodge of soggy towelling round its legs.

Of course, most were still at home so possibly it was easier for one person to be consistent than a team of nursery workers? Mine went to playgroup 3 mornings a week at 3, and a condition of being accepted was that they were out of nappies.

Can't turn the clock back, but another perspective, perhaps, on 'readiness'?

'I think disposables have a lot to do with it.'

Several child development professionals I know would agree with you. Current nappies are so absorbent that the child doesn't really get to experience the feeling of being wet and sodden and uncomfortable and so are less aware of having soiled their nappy.

4 years old can be to early to say whether there are any special needs. My daughter was constantly soiling herself at that age. When she started in reception I provided a bag of clothes and wipes for her. I tried everything. Her teacher was extremely unsupportive and thought I was a lazy parent. She was eventually diagnosed at the age of six with bifocal epilepsy which she is growing out of. I am a confident person and knew that there was something wrong and managed to push for a diagnosis. The epilepsy was only really obvious to me. However, I would imagine many parents struggle with potty training and their child may be in pull ups because they don't know what else to do and have been fobbed off by health visitors and GP. So of course, that parent will then assumed to be lazy and can't be bothered to potty train by the time the child starts school. Childminders and reception teachers should show support to help both child and parent.

My DS is 4 in 2 months and im totally embarrassed to say he is still in nappies, well pull ups ive been trying for nearly 2 ears but nothing works he'll ask once maybe twice a day. I really have tried everything

I hate threads like this :(

Squirrel don't you dare be embarrassed!! Every child is different. You've been trying for nearly two years. You deserve a fucking medal.

Well obviously the child may have an as yet undiagnosed disability, but surely if that's the case you explain the child's limitations to anyone you expect to care for them, no matter how long for.

There could be other areas it impacts (sensory/behavioural issues, food intolerances, etc.), so why would you just leave a carer to get on with it without giving some background info?

I'm washing the nappies. I was pretty relaxed about my DD still being in nappies at 3.5. The only reason we kept at it, even though it clearly wasn't working, was because her nursery refused to allow her to wear a nappy to school, so she would wet herself several times a week. In the end she trained really quickly, over two weeks after Christmas, dry day and night (unless she's doing something super interesting). DS is 2 and a very little bit and conversely I'm actively trying to train him because he's outweeing his cloth nappies and I hate spending money and filling landfill with disposables. Of course, this is mostly taking the form of letting him run around the garden in his pants and changing him every hour or so...

Oh and neither of them could give two hoots if they're wet in terries. Old fashioned terries. None of your microfibre and minky nonsense round here.

I can sort of believe the average age of toilet training being eight?

IMO toilet trained means the child can independently go off to toilet by self and handle all clothing removal and proper wiping and washing hands ie no adult assistance required at any stage, and no skid marks.

Being out of nappies means bugger all if kiddy is still pissing and shitting in their pants.

It's an interesting theory that we are lazier as parents with the convienience of disposables. My mother (who used terry towelling) delights in telling me I was dry at 12 months. When I told the hv I was introducing my own daughter to the potty at 12 months she was horrified! Told me that was a terrible thing to do and dd would "regress" if I did manage to train her that young. So I have up! She was trained the week before her second birthday. Ds1 was dry at 19 months, of his own accord. Ds2 trained at 2years 2 months but was the youngest out of nappies at bedtime, and Dd2 was a bit lazy but still dry at just past her second birthday.

I know, however, that I was relatively lucky with toilet training and my children got it quite quickly. I would never judge a child who still needed nappies at an older age. Dd1 has a teenage friend who still occasionally wets the bed and his mother has done everything to help him, including using pull ups. He is not SN, or doing deliberately.

Wouldn't want anyone to think I'm criticising the current generation of parents for laziness. In many ways, we never had it so good.

Just that I think sometimes people maybe underestimate what toddlers are capable of and perhaps miss the optimum window for their child.

Give op a break, she's aid he did not have sn. I am sure mum or dad would have informed her if he was dx with sn or going through that process. There are SOME parents who cannot be bothered, and some Chidren (without sn) start school still wearing nappies. Did you discuss this with his mum or dad?

My DS wasn't readyfor coming out of nappies until he was just a bit after four....he decided and it was an almost instant job...he didnt need training he did it when he was ready.

And you know what ? it really doesn't matter...there is no extra bonus parent points for having your child trained at whatever age. By the time they go to school or University no one cares what aged they came out of nappies