wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

[marriedinwhiteagain]

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

Anyway, these are all the old arguments that come up again and again. I can't believe I posted on this thread.

LadyH, I agree it's pretty odd not to chuck in a few sausage rolls

I mean - it is as simple as that. No one is saying a free bar all night but something that suggests they see themselves in the roll of host.

primarily you're guest,to mingle,smile,show support for wedding.none of this entitles one to free bar
are you seriously saying its a transaction,you put on wedding gear,travel so entitled to free bar
I attended lovely dos were evening guests attend,no free bar,no expectation of one

speaking of rolls....

LadyHarriet - don't you get invited to 40ths, 50ths, 21sts, etc.etc., in a hall, with a bar where you get your purse out ? Why do you have this sense of entitlement that a host should be treating you to drinks all night ?

Did you see my last post?

What is your definition of a host, just out of interest?

When you have a party, how do you treat your guests? I am genuinely curious about this. What does that mean to you?

When I invite friend to a party, I tend to provide food, drink, cocktails whatever.

It's not a showcase for people to turn up and me to simply be present, like some sort of Sun Queen, with people leaving their offerings to me. A wedding is really no differentm, the obligation doesn't suddenly disappear.

I guess the whole thing has become about the wedding, not the marriage.

So, it's a stupidly expensive party rather than celebrating a very solemn vow between two people (who imo need all the support they can get from family/friends/community).

I can talk, my wedding was stupidly expensive, too. Perhaps that's first-time extravagance. Next time, I doubt I'd be as profligate. But we did invite all and sundry. People came from all over the world - we weren't going to be offloading them for most of the day while we had an intimate time with a select few - rejection alert! We had an exclusive dinner in the evening for close friends.

I think I made my point about the all night free bar clear.

A toast would be fine, just something. Not zippo.

I'm actually quite astounded by some of the views on here. We're not going to get married, but if we did, judging by what is 'acceptable' on here, the only acceptable wedding we could have would be a registry do with two witnesses.

My partners side of the family alone is huuuuuge, and we have a lot of good friends. We would never be able to afford a venue, meals and free drinks for all of them. So the only acceptable alternative is for us to do none of it? Sod you all you miserable feckers!

Have zipped through the thread again, and cannot see anywhere if the OP has actually checked with the parents of the bride whether arrangements are being made for the MIL to be ferried and looked after.
She certainly would not be the first elderly person to assume that things were not being done (or forget that she has been told they are!), and go off at a tangent .... such as asking someone not invited, to take her.

Personally, I would want to call and double-check before making any further assumptions.
It seems highly unlikely that the organisers (be it b&g or brides mother) would simply have forgotten that someone would need to bring her. Even those of us in the "it's the couples special day" camp would expect a sensible responsibility for that sort of thing. If they have made such a slip, then a friendly call to ask if anyone is sorting out her lifts to and fro, should be enough to remind them, and as a recent MOTB I certainly wouldn't have been offended if someone had called to check that a frail grandparent had been properly organised for.

As ever ..... if you politely address a problem head on, it tends to go away!

so get your purse out if you want a toast,why are you expecting that to be provided?

All parties I attend (and I'm not young, I'm talking over a span of say 30 years or so), if it's at a house, then guests bring bottles, if it's in a hall with a bar, then guests get their wallets out and buy their drinks.
I don't think I have ever been to any sort of party where one person was expected to provide drinks for everyone for the night.
My experience with weddings is that the B&G (or whoever is hosting - it has often been the Bride's parents) give everyone a drink on arrival (sherry / Pimms / Bucks Fizz) then wine on the table, and a glass of bubbly for the toasts. All other drinks are bought at the bar if people want them.
I've only ever heard of a free bar on MN, and I've been to a LOT of weddings over the years.

Sorry - was replying directly to Lady Harriet - this thread is moving on again

We are not going to see eye to eye on anything Scottish. I am going to leave this now. I've already explained how I see the role of host.

We did a free bar at our wedding and if people bring a bottle when then come to ours for a meal that's great, otherwise we're sorted.

I think you are being rather unreasonable at getting grumpy. You should feel happy they have invited you to join in their special day, weddings are so expensive and they have probably stressed enough over who to invite and the cost of the occasion that family members getting cross is the last thing they need. They probably thought you wuold be sad to miss the ceremony so have tried to include you. If its such a problem to you , don't go at all, but anyone who values their family will accept they have been included and fit around the day and be happy for the bride and groom.

We have arranged our wedding and spent a fortune on discounting rooms and making sure everybody else is happy, when it is our day not theirs! Give the poor couple a brake and take a picnic! Problem sorted.

Well I rarely agree with ScottishMummy, but I'm with her on this! You might have views on a hosts responsibilities, but then maybe you might be affluent enough to meet them. Where I live, it's more about being together. If the only way you can get together is to all muck in then fair enough!
To expect a free bar is just beyond entitled!

I think it's mn lala land of free bar and crushingly oppressive etiquette and expectation
manners and etiquette are dramatically different.manners add to enjoyment
etiquette and expectation is stifling and inhibits occasion with sense of done thing

We started with a massive family guest list ... and the B&G crossed off all the names who had not either been a part of their lives as they grew up, or were part of their life now (ie friends).
They took the view that those who were not close to them in this way had no actual interest in watching them marry each other, and would only be coming for a party - and the chance to catch up with everyone else. The B&G only wanted people at their ceremony (and subsequent celebrations) who actually cared about their marriage to each other. There were still 150+ over day & evening!

Personally, I thought that was a pretty fair way of sorting things out. A lot of the family didn't see it that way, though.

I HAVE ALREADY SAID I DON'T EXPECT A FREE BAR ALL NIGHT.

JUST A SODDING TOAST.

How I see a wedding:
Ceremony. Anyone who wants to attend. Wedding party, ie B&G parents best man, ushers, bridesmaids dressed formally to the theme, everyone else smart.
Reception. Sit down meal for the core of the wedding. Family, close friends.
Evening reception. Everyone you want to share your wedding with. Friends, distant family, colleagues. Lay on a buffet and a disco/band, bar available for anyone wanting to purchase a drink.
Every wedding bar one I have ever attended has run to this format. I used to work in a very posh hotel. (Catered for some very rich/important/famous people). Same format generally.
Personally, I'd rather be invited to the evening do only than not invited at all!

you want a toast?get your purse out.stop sit expecting a freebie to waft over

Ragwort, thats the point it isn't easy to have a decent wedding without paying alot foir instance, back in 87' a basic church wedding was £80,
Now its £500!
A lot of people just don't get it and get offended instead.

What Springy said.

I am totally on board with the idea that people don't necessarily see distant cousins etc as their community - fine. I don't think every relation can expect to be invited in large families. So why bother inviting them to an evening reception if you are not close to them? Why would you even want those people there? To get more presents and look super popular?

I'd prefer not to be invited at all than be made to feel like a gatecrasher at an evening party invited to swell the numbers. I'd probably turn down just an evening invite. But it's never come up IRL because I just don't know anybody who has done the two tier wedding thing.

I agree with Harriet about the role of a host.