wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

[marriedinwhiteagain]

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

No one has to go to the ceremony. There needn't be a wait. You could go to the ceremony without attending the party if you want Dancing. Unfortunately it is a fact of life that some people are more important to individuals than others, immediate family, best friends are often more important than cousins.

The presumption that you should be as important as people who they have a real relationship is rude. You
say no one could take offense at the wedding you attended, the B&G in this wedding probably thought the same. But you can't please everyone, so it's best just to do what you think is right.

I understand that some people don't like evening parties. That's fine, they don't have to go. I personally love them and would be very sorry if people stopped having them because some self centred, professionally offended idiots badmouthed them. Often they are the only occasions when I get to see my cousins, that aren't funerals.

Man, I didn't invite two of my sisters to my wedding. I invited my hairdresser instead. Too right there's a fucking a list and b list of guests!

I don't like this two tier wedding system. Everyone I know seems to do it, so obviously I am being unreasonable, but when we got married we invited everyone to the whole thing. We were getting married miles from London, so would have been totally unfair to expect people to kill time in a small worcestershire village for hours while we ate with the 'real' guests. Anyway, I would decline the whole thing personally.

Everyone I know seems to do it, so obviously I am being unreasonable

not necessarily

A lot of this "two tier" resentment boils down to people thinking "I'm not important enough for the whole day? Me? How DARE you? Well fuck you then!".

The self-entitlement and arrogance inherent in this thought process is beyond astonishing.

Ladyharriet- sorry I wasn't clear. I meant incorrect because I thought you had said that OP had said that she would simply have refused an evening invite, but that this pesky ceremony thing had dreadfully inconvenienced her and that's what's desperately rude about the whole thing.

She actually said that she would have rather just received the evening invite, suggesting she would have gone to that happily. Then subsequently it became clear that actually she was pissed off not to be invited to the meal.

I still don't see how she's inconvenienced if its her DH doing all the running around and she's just going in the evening. Or why another relative can't do the running around. I don't think OP's coming back though!

Also, on the community view of weddings - some people see friends as community rather than family. I really don't see how evening invites mean you don't care about wider community etc.

Speingytate, those who are invited to the whole day are the B&G's community. Cousins that are seldom seen from one year to the next are not.

I agree with Dione - family who you only see at weddings, funerals and christenings are not your community. Family who you don't know well enough to call aren't people you can rely on. Unless you are the sort of family where you all live in and out of each others houses and know all about each other, aren't the ones you turn to in times of crisis. (and as they op didn't answer if they had a connection to the particular church, or if they live close to the evening venue in east London suggests that she doesn't know - if you really don't know that much about the B&G's lives then you aren't someone who is close to them).

I do think the difference between a wedding that's a 'community event' and 'personal event' sadly comes down to who pays, the older generation can't get the hump on if those getting married want a day that's all about them and the people who are important to them, rather than the wide family and who's important to the older generations if the B&G are paying. The tradition was that family were the priority, friends were the people religated to 'evening only' invites, but then that tradition assumed the bride and groom weren't the ones forking out for the day. If you're going to throw the most expensive party of your life, it's not unreasonable to want to have people who you care about there.

Sorry, that should be Springygate.

And as for the 'two tier is wrong' - the Cambridges had 3 tiers! People invited just to the ceremony, people invited to the ceremony and the meal, people invited to the ceremony and the evening do.

Binky it sounds like OP is also irked that her OH is 'giving in' to the situation as well, ferrying the mother around to enable these people's rudeness.

I had actually forgotten they supposedly had come to this arrangement, so sorry about that!

She's gotten a pasting on here, the OP. The thing is, we will never know if she is some insufferable Hyacinth BUcket or this B&G are the sort of pretentious so and so's who do things like invite the partner from work to further their career - at the expense of close family members - etc etc. It seems to me that both are equally possible.

I guess it's good I'm not invited!

I think you should say you are working during the day but happy to attend the evening do. Then mention that MIL needs support with travel etc but that you are sure they have it covered.

I'd quite like to be invited. :)

In fact, I live in central-ish london. If I can wheedle more info on time and venue I COULD go. As people have said, a church wedding's open to all! I'm not helping mil though ;)

Agree with Lady Harriet

And if OH is indeed ferrying his DM around so that she can go, and not being invited himself, he is a good man.

I prefer a cheaper do and to invite everyone personally. We went to the evening do of someone over 2 hours away, to find other friends had come from all over the country and hung around all day after the ceremony and weren't over happy. It rained, and the pubs used to shut for the afternoon.

Oh just watch Tatler Binky. Personally I'm hankering after the East London evening do. If it's at Soho HOuse, I am SOOOO there.

In order to have the guests we wanted at our wedding we had an early afternoon wedding, followed by a reception locally which supplied I suppose what you'd call "drinks party" food and lots of booze. That went on until about 7pm at which point the "young", ie our friends moved on to a pub for food and music and the "oldies" stayed behind to finish the booze and food and then drifted home.

We managed to include everyone we wanted, didn't have to spend zillions on a sit down meal (thus avoiding the nightmare of the seating plan!), and AFAIK everyone had a good time....... Having said that I suppose it's entirely possible that lurking somewhere is a guest having a moan!

It was the thing to invite people to the whole day or just the evening. When I got married I thought it would be nice to invite those coming to just the evening do to the wedding too. Didn't realise I was deeply offending my guests.
it's not your wedding and with your attitude it would probably be best if you don't go. Get over yourself. Let them worry about the elderly relative rather than assuming responsibility and getting annoyed. You don't have to go to the day bit. Weddings are expensive and it's nice that they've told you they'd like you there but cannot afford it. Nothing personal intended then!

I think people who can't be arsed to invite you to the proper reception but think you'll want to come to the church anyway are rude as anything.

I'd be tempted to turn up in jeans with egg down my t-shirt and greasy hair, gently usher MIL to her seat, give a merry wave and disappear, to return after the ceremony to take her to the venue, then disappear again.

Re-appear at the evening do looking absolutely fabulous, dressed to the nines, make up and hair perfect. Should people ask why I didn't come to the service I'd say in the loudest stage whisper "Not invited to the whole thing, darling."

But I am a cow.

"Flowery, I take the view that when I get an evening only invitation it means that I am not important enough to the couple to be invited to the day.....so personally I prefer not to be invited"

Forgive me, but that sounds a wee bit childish I'm afraid Crampy. It's natural that in anyone's life, there will be some people who are closer/more significant than others, surely, and not something to get offended by?

To our ceremony and reception we had family and long standing close friends. I'm quite certain that the friends we had to the evening do, who were mainly people we'd become friends with that year and mates of my MIL who she took it upon herself to invite wouldn't have dreamed of considering themselves as significant as family and people we'd known since school. They were pleased to be included, as we have been at evening invitations we've received.

THe woman who invited us to the evening do was a work colleague of mine. I would never have expected to be invited to her wedding at all although I liked her but to be honest the evening do was weird.

I left wondering why we were included.

But there are evening dos and there are evening dos. I have heard of ones where the cake is cut then and the speeches happen then. Totally different kettle of fish in my opinion than someone saying, well, you've missed all the fun bits but if you want to come along later and buy yourself some drinks with us, feel free.

WHich is what it felt like. There was no hospitality of any kind laid on, just a cash bar and a DJ. I really cannot see the point of that. Honestly I felt like a gate crasher.

If you receive an evening invite, the choice is not between you getting a full day invite and an evening invite, it's between an evening invite and no invite. Venues and budgets both have maximum numbers.

So the net outcome of no "two tier" weddings would be fewer invites.

I disagree,I don't expect to be fed,bought drink at evening do
perfectly able to turn up,smile,and pay for own drinks.its graspy to expect free bar.
I've been to do's were one buys own drinks. no formal meal.perfectly acceptable and cost effective

I know some people will disagree; so be it. What is grasping is expecting guests to come to a party you've organised, for your benefit, included the gift list (rolling out all the obvious), expecting them to travel etc plus fund the whole night themselves. IMO.