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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask visitors to make their own tea..

91 replies

MommyBird · 31/05/2013 21:58

when ive come home from hospital with baby number 2?

I know my mom will come in and take over with washing/cooking/tidying whilst me and OH tend to baby..but i have a feeling a few family members will see it as we're 'entertaining' them.

With our 1st dd i was..abit weak. i'd had a long and tough birth..i couldnt hold her alot, walk, stand up for long periods of time, i was exhausted, i suffered with baby blues/panic attacks and all that kinda thing. i was over whelmed by everything. i didnt speak up alot. i had no backbone.
The day we got home (the day i gave birth) my OH took our dd to MILs house (dont ask.) i couldnt go as we had an old fashioned mini at the time..i couldnt get in (stitches! Ouch) - this didnt help. after this is got worse.

But. That was almost 4 years ago. i have a backbone, a mouth and im not weak anymore.
I want to try and set out some rules before our dd 2 is due (9 weeks)..like if you want to see baby, you come to us..at times we say..stop no longer than half an hour..if you want a drink, you know where the kitchen is..you have to work around us, not the other way around.

Last time was a blur and i let everyone walk over me and undermind me, we have our 3 year old who is already in a routine and want to stick to it.

AIBU to set these rules?
And any idea how to tell people in a nice way?

OP posts:
Jemma1111 · 31/05/2013 22:01

To be honest you do sound a bit precious

LeaveTheBastid · 31/05/2013 22:05

Your house, your baby, your rules. I wouldn't begrudge making a visitor a cup of tea though to be honest, especially if your mum is going to be doing everything else for you.

AgentZigzag · 31/05/2013 22:08

Congratulations for impending DD2 Smile

I think it's fine to do all that, but instead of saying it all up front (which I can understand you want to get over and done with so it's not playing on your mind) can you do it casually as and when it's needed?

Like 'I can't get up at the minute, would you be a pet and stick the kettle on?' Maybe leave all the things for it out so they can find them easily.

Saying it all beforehand might make people a bit awkward when they come round that they're disturbing you (which they probably are Grin) but it is nice to introduce them to your new baby, but like you say, on your own terms.

Joiningthegang · 31/05/2013 22:08

Yabu - there is no nice way to set up such nonsense

People will want to come and see you and the baby because they care about you - although it doesn't sound like you care much for them.

Also having a baby can be very easy and your first experience won't necessarily be your second.

If I felt terrible I might even ask whoever is visiting if they would look after the children while I had a little nap. If I didn't feel up to standing for a whole 2 minutes then I would invite them to make their own tea.

To do it in advance is precious and a bit pathetic to be honest, but nothing wrong in asking for help if you do actually need it.

But it could all be fine - it is for most people

WafflyVersatile · 31/05/2013 22:08

Nope, your house, your child, your ouchy body, your rules. (and your DH's)

If you don't feel up to visiting others then don't until you do feel up to it. No one is entitled to see the baby or come to your house when it doesn't suit you. Perfectly fine to get people to make their own tea when they visit.

Do you have to set out rules before hand? Can you not just say, 'Help yourself to tea and biscuits, I'm not really up to catering for visitors just now' at the time?

ohforfoxsake · 31/05/2013 22:09

'please help yourself to tea and coffee. Everything is in the kitchen.'

Original poster
MommyBird · 31/05/2013 22:12

Ok. so tea thing abit harsh. noted.

i don't want to come off as a bitch, i just want to be in control this time round.

OP posts:
doublecakeplease · 31/05/2013 22:12

I'd just take it as it happens tbh (i think some previous posters have been a nit harsh!)

You might feel great and be bouncing around making tea. You might feel crap - if that's the case then just don't mention drinks. If guests do (rude) then say 'ooh - mine's a tea... kettle's on the bench - have a rummage for cups..'

LRDtheFeministDragon · 31/05/2013 22:14
Confused

Erm, just as someone who visits mates/family with new babies, no, I wouldn't be remotely offended if you asked me to make tea, in fact I'd slightly kick myself for not offering to do so first.

Isn't that normal?

Who visits new parents and sits around to be waited on hand and foot?

BriansBrain · 31/05/2013 22:15

Let your DH make the tea, it's polite to water guests.

Your first birth wasn't what I would consider an easier birth and I just sat quite royally on the sofa with baby in a Moses basket next to me with a smile on my face.

DH did all the visitor leg work whilst I breast fed and ate cake with numerous cups of tea

We didn't have visitors in the first 2 days though, 2 days won't make a difference to a newborn visit but made a world of difference to our new little family.

Lots of luck with it all

ivanapoo · 31/05/2013 22:18

What LRD said. And I think other posters saying you are precious and pathetic after having what was clearly a difficult start last time are deeply insensitive.

Having said that I agree that saving your backbone for after the birth is a good idea. Definitely discuss with your DH though if you haven't already.

AgentZigzag · 31/05/2013 22:19

Whatever you say, if you say it with a caring and light tone it can't be taken as anything else.

Are you doing what I did with DD2 and focusing on the most insignificant things (if I can say that without minimising what this means to you?) to obscure all the scary important shit that goes with having a baby? Grin

Mine was 'can I really love another DC as much as I love DD1?' to which the answer was thankfully that the love was doubled rather than halved.

Original poster
MommyBird · 31/05/2013 22:20

Oh and i dont want to say it all before hand, i just want to have the rules set out in my head and know how to go about saying/doing things without sounding like a righ cow.

I've been seeing a counseller (anxiety disorder) and she sugested the list/rule things and writing all my ideas/wants out on paper.
I need to be more assertive apparently and getting my point across for me is hard..so thats why im planning about what to say.

OP posts:
Joiningthegang · 31/05/2013 22:21

I don't think asking guests to do anything is a problem at all - I would just bit a hit miffed to be told several weeks in advance how long I would be expected to stay for and to expect no hospitality.

To clarify
Yabu to set out rules in advance
Yanbu to ask for help when the baby arrives

Joiningthegang · 31/05/2013 22:22

X post!!!

PollyPlummer · 31/05/2013 22:23

I would be happy to make a cup of tea and to visit around the times that suit you. I don't think yabu - at all.

Viviennemary · 31/05/2013 22:23

I don't think I'd bother visiting somebody who laid down rules in advance. But I wouldn't object to being asked to help out once I'd got there.

WafflyVersatile · 31/05/2013 22:23

That sounds perfectly reasonable.

Wanting to avoid the same unhappy situation arising again isn't at all precious.

Inertia · 31/05/2013 22:26

You don't sound precious at all. Personally i wouldn't have been able let anyone take either of my newborns away from me - if i couldn't go, they couldn't go- so i think you need to be the one making decisions about where the baby goes.

Wouldn't bother telling guests in advance about tea, either let DH do it if he is there or tell people you are too sore to get up so they should help themselves. If you are toontired for visitors, say so. Don't be walked over . And congratulations on your impending arrival :)

CloudsAndTrees · 31/05/2013 22:27

Isn't your DH going to be around while you recover from the birth?

He should be making the tea!

CookieDoughKid · 31/05/2013 22:27

As people arrive into the house, say to them firmly but ever so politely (or have your husband do it) 'if you'd like a drink, please help yourself'...

Prep your husband and make it clear to him what will happen and who says or does what.

Keep it short, sweet, polite.

I totally understand your anxiousness and the main thing, is to look after yourself. This is your time of need, don't feel guilty. You'd do the same for others and people will understand. If they don't, f^ck em and don't invite them round again. LOL

If you think it's not fine with certain members of your family/friends etc... then politely make it clear to your hubby that you and baby will see them when you're feeling up to it and you have the energy. Otherwise, this is how it's gonna be Grin.

trackies · 31/05/2013 22:29

your DD shouldn't have been taken to MIL the day you came back from hospital without you. that's awful ! MIL should come to you, when it suits you and your baby. and totally reasonable for you to suggest that they can make themselves a cuppa if they need one (so that you dont have to do it). When i had my first, i was in labour for 50 hours followed by csect and a refluxey baby that wouldn't sleep. My FIL came round to see the baby, and after i'd been hobbling around all day in post csect pain, not even eaten or had shower or brushed teeth by 2pm, or slept the night before, my FIL sat on the sofa for 2 hours and then asked me to make HIM a sandwich. Was so annoyed. DH was really not very happy with him and I told him that maybe he could go and buy all of us some sandwiches as we're a bit busy trying to look after this baby and been up for several nights on the trot.

Charlesroi · 31/05/2013 22:30

No guest (with any manners) is going to mind sorting out a brew. If you are feeling a bit rubbish the politer ones would offer to do a bit of cleaning or shopping too.
I'd go with the earlier suggestion - make sure there are spoons, cups and plates out. And you have a full biscuit barrel.

Good luck!

usualsuspect · 31/05/2013 22:31

I think people will be happy to make their own tea.

DuelingFanjo · 31/05/2013 22:34

I don't think you have to pre-warn them about the tea. Just say to them when they ask 'can I have a cup of tea' that they know where the kitchen is and can help themselves.

The rest of it, I think it's acceptable to lay down some rules now in a 'when baby no.2 comes we've decided not to have an open house and would prefer it if people called and checked if it was ok to come over first' way.

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