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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask visitors to make their own tea..

91 replies

MommyBird · 31/05/2013 21:58

when ive come home from hospital with baby number 2?

I know my mom will come in and take over with washing/cooking/tidying whilst me and OH tend to baby..but i have a feeling a few family members will see it as we're 'entertaining' them.

With our 1st dd i was..abit weak. i'd had a long and tough birth..i couldnt hold her alot, walk, stand up for long periods of time, i was exhausted, i suffered with baby blues/panic attacks and all that kinda thing. i was over whelmed by everything. i didnt speak up alot. i had no backbone.
The day we got home (the day i gave birth) my OH took our dd to MILs house (dont ask.) i couldnt go as we had an old fashioned mini at the time..i couldnt get in (stitches! Ouch) - this didnt help. after this is got worse.

But. That was almost 4 years ago. i have a backbone, a mouth and im not weak anymore.
I want to try and set out some rules before our dd 2 is due (9 weeks)..like if you want to see baby, you come to us..at times we say..stop no longer than half an hour..if you want a drink, you know where the kitchen is..you have to work around us, not the other way around.

Last time was a blur and i let everyone walk over me and undermind me, we have our 3 year old who is already in a routine and want to stick to it.

AIBU to set these rules?
And any idea how to tell people in a nice way?

OP posts:
meglet · 31/05/2013 22:35

Yanbu.

But after a bad experience with visitors after DC1 I banned visitors with DC2, then refused to get dressed when they appeared after 2 weeks - they got the message. I cannot comprehend wanting to visit a new baby and a frazzled mum who needs peace and time to recover.

DoJo · 31/05/2013 22:35

If you had posted on here about your experience with your first baby and asked for advice on how to avoid the same thing happening again, you would have been told to let your visitors make their own tea (and you one too!) and ask them to limit their visits to short stops at times that suit you so I'm not sure why you've been given short shrift. I think you're being reasonable, although it might be easier to bring it up when your baby is actually here. If people think you're being precious, perhaps they should check out this list of demands from a new parent www.mommyish.com/2012/11/10/demanding-new-parents-943/

Pinkflipflop · 31/05/2013 22:37

Ignore people who say you are being precious!

After I had my baby I had such an intense need for peace and quiet and not to be waiting on visitors.

Tell them where the kettle is and make it clear that only short visits are happening.

I knew someone who put a sign on her door after she had a baby saying "pre arranged visitors only" as she was sick and tired of all the random callers who sat for hours! A little extreme maybe!

Sallystyle · 31/05/2013 22:38

I haven't just had a baby but people who come here make their own tea or wait for my husband.

I don't drink tea so don't often think to offer it. I also make it crap apparently so I just tell people to help themselves.

I am a shocking host!

Original poster
MommyBird · 31/05/2013 22:42

Hubby will be there :) last time he was as exhausted as me bless him. we hadnt slept in 3 days! :')
He shouldnt of taken my dd away, i sobbed and sobbed in the bathroom after he took her! i didnt want to be nasty or cause a row. if he didnt take her, she wouldnt see her (this went on nearly every day) however he thought he was doing me a favour by letting me rest while he was out.
He stopped after i told him how it was making me feel (alot more happened, it all came to a big crying mess)

i suffered alot with fainting, i was annimic (sp) after i had my dd but didnt find out for a few weeks.

So yes. im not wanting the same feelings/anxiety to start up again, which is why im preparing myself in advance.

OP posts:
dribbleface · 31/05/2013 22:44

Nope not unreasonable at all. My man arrived after the birth or DS1 with a huge packet of teabags which she sat next to the kettle, so people could find them and we didn't run out. Wise woman she was, miss her like crazy. Sorry off topic but it reminded me

dribbleface · 31/05/2013 22:46

Nan not man!

Original poster
MommyBird · 31/05/2013 22:50

And im not letting family members know in advance, i just wanted advice on how to go about saying, in a nice way, what we want to happen when they pop down.

OP posts:
Original poster
MommyBird · 31/05/2013 22:53

Without sounding like im reading the rules off a sheet of paper!

OP posts:
Mimishimi · 01/06/2013 06:41

YANBU at all! I would expect them to offer .... it's only precious if you expect that they do heavy housework along with their visit but not precious at all to think that you should not have to worry about entertaining guests.

Jengnr · 01/06/2013 07:35

Prior to the birth make sure people ring and arrange a time to visit - dress it up as you not wanting a houseful all at once.

Then when they ring say something like 'yeah that's fine at that time but we're in a bit of a mess so I'll probably be in my jamas and you'll be making your own brews' :)

I don't think you're requests are unreasonable but the way you've worded it it a bit strident.

DontmindifIdo · 01/06/2013 07:53

Perfectly reasonable, people come to you. Also worth using dc1 a bit, so after 30 minutes , could visitors be encouraged to take her to the park?

DontmindifIdo · 01/06/2013 07:56

Sorry, posted too soon! Put dh on tea making duty, if he's not there, tell people to make their own.

Purple2012 · 01/06/2013 09:21

Do what is best for you. A close friend is having her
2nd child any day now. She will let me know when her DD is born and I have told her I won't bombard her with calls and texts and to let me know when she is ready for visitors. She also knows if we make an arrangement and she is too knackered to just cancel and I won't be offended.

Yes people want to see a new baby but your needs come first. I will be dying to see my friend and baby
and I will miss my friend but it's not about me!

my2centsis · 01/06/2013 10:22

I think your over thinking it far too much. People want to see the new baby. I'm not sure what kind of family or friends you would have for them to expect you to work around them after birth anyway. You will find most people will work around you. And tbh I don't see why you can't make someone a cup if tea when it seems as ur lucky enough to have your mother doing everything around the house. I'm sure it will all be fine. Good luck for baby number two. It ain't easy. So worth it

CaptainSweatPants · 01/06/2013 10:28

I was mostly on my own with no 1 & 2 because dh was at work so I made my own cup of coffee

DontmindifIdo · 01/06/2013 10:42

Actually, My2centsis - i don't think she is overthinking it, given this is what happened when she had DC1. I'm 4 days away from a c section for DC2, and I know I'm being firmer than I was when I had DC1 about what people can and can't do based on my experience of family being "hard work" when I had DC1. People won't always work round you when you've had a baby, so it's worth knowing in your mind what you will and will not tolerate, and being able to discuss with your DH in advance what the 'rules' are so that the tired, knackered mum isn't the one having to say to PIL "actually, can you not stay for 4 hours" but DH knows to say it, that it's ok to say it to his PIL etc.

I'd also make it clear to DH he is on tea, coffee, biscuit duty, you don't want to have to ask him in front of guests to make a round of drinks. Make sure he knows it's his job to offer.

Elquota · 01/06/2013 10:50

YANBU at all. Don't be so hard on yourself - there's nothing "weak" about feeling exhausted after a birth, or suffering the baby blues.

Put all the tea/coffee things out on a tray before you give birth - nice pot of sugar etc. so people can see you've made an effort. Then when people visit, you smile and say to visitors "Would you like to help yourself to some tea or coffee?" No-one will object Smile

Tell people that your DH will phone after the birth, to arrange a specific visiting time. He can say "Would you like to come round at 11am on Saturday for half an hour or so? We'd love to see you".

Onesleeptillwembley · 01/06/2013 10:53

So you're mother will do everything else for you, but you won't even make a drink for visitors? You do sound precious, it's only a baby, fgs. You really need to grow up a bit.

marriedinwhiteagain · 01/06/2013 11:01

Can't your dh or mum make any tea that's required. BTW I think guests0should always call before they come

KatieScarlett2833 · 01/06/2013 11:08

After the first visit chez Scarlett you are gently pointed in the direction of the kettle, fridge and beverage cupboards. And invited to help yourself.
People seem to like this Smile
I like it a lot Grin

shufflehopstep · 01/06/2013 11:19

I don't have a problem with that at all. I was in a lot of discomfort for the first week or so too and getting up and down was a lot of effort but I had DH running round so was quite fortunate.

Whenever we go round to DH's nan's house, she's nearly 90 and although quite mobile, generally asks us to do things like put the kettle on, etc. so she can have a rest. I don't think it's rude - it's perfectly reasonable.

To be honest, a lot of the time when people came to see me when DD was born, if DH wasn't around, they offered to do things like that rather than expecting me to get up.

Secondsop · 01/06/2013 11:38

Gosh, you've received some harsh comments on this thread. I dont understand mumsnet sometimes. if youd come on saying "im struggling with looking after my baby, myself and my guests" you would have got pages of replies telling you to tell guests to make their own sodding tea. Of COURSE your visitors should make their own tea! If theyre used to having you host them they may not think to do so, so dont be afraid to say "do feel free to help yourself to tea / coffee from the kitchen". I found that some people who I least expected to do so, eg one of my sisters, simply didnt think about how it was for me and would (eg) never take cups, plates, bottles back to the kitchen and i would find myself sitting staring at them after she'd left trying to will the energy to tidy. The fact that your mum is there to help has little to do with it; the new mum shouldn't be getting up and down making tea. When I had my baby I could barely walk around the house to look after myself and him, let alone other people.

Helpyourself · 01/06/2013 11:44

Yanbu at all!
Don't set out ground rules before- just point guests at the kitchen when they arrive.
Flowers

KittensoftPuppydog · 01/06/2013 11:49

I get people to make their own tea and I don't even have a baby. I tell myself that it makes them feel at home...