To ask visitors to make their own tea..

[MommyBird]

when ive come home from hospital with baby number 2?

I know my mom will come in and take over with washing/cooking/tidying whilst me and OH tend to baby..but i have a feeling a few family members will see it as we're 'entertaining' them.

With our 1st dd i was..abit weak. i'd had a long and tough birth..i couldnt hold her alot, walk, stand up for long periods of time, i was exhausted, i suffered with baby blues/panic attacks and all that kinda thing. i was over whelmed by everything. i didnt speak up alot. i had no backbone.
The day we got home (the day i gave birth) my OH took our dd to MILs house (dont ask.) i couldnt go as we had an old fashioned mini at the time..i couldnt get in (stitches! Ouch) - this didnt help. after this is got worse.

But. That was almost 4 years ago. i have a backbone, a mouth and im not weak anymore.
I want to try and set out some rules before our dd 2 is due (9 weeks)..like if you want to see baby, you come to us..at times we say..stop no longer than half an hour..if you want a drink, you know where the kitchen is..you have to work around us, not the other way around.

Last time was a blur and i let everyone walk over me and undermind me, we have our 3 year old who is already in a routine and want to stick to it.

AIBU to set these rules?
And any idea how to tell people in a nice way?

Fgs the Op is having a baby !

If she had an illness then I could understand her post.
Millions of women have given birth , many with no help whatsoever !
The Op has her mum AND partner there to help and she's worried about having to make tea, I've heard it all.

I'd encourage guests to 'help yourself' to drinks/cake etc. Would your DM be there this time round? Would she be willing to feed and water guests? Your DH?
My guests all rang to ask when they could visit, even to see if we were up for visitors that afternoon. It's good to get your ideas fixed in your head and I'm glad you've found your backbone - just a "sorry, I'm still a bit sore - you know where the kettle is" will do.

Congratulations and good luck

Jemma - bit harsh, she's obviously expecting the sorts of visitors where they expect to be waited on, while you might have bounced back straight away, a lot of woman are in a lot of pain for the first few weeks and shouldn't be doing anything other than sitting in whichever position hurts the least and popping whichever painkillers work with breast feeding. I also don't think it's fair on the OP's mum if she's come to help her DD, that she's actually expected to run round after the OP's MIL and other visitors instead.

thinking further, while DH did do most of the tea and coffee rounds when he was on paternity leave with DC1 for us when visitors turned up, I'm a few days off having DC2 and we have planned on DH taking DC1 out for a few days on the second week, so I will be on my own if guests turn up. I wouldn't always assume the DP will be around and available to help host if it's a second or third child, I'd often assume he'll be on duty with the older DC(s). If he is about, perhaps make it clear that tea/coffee is his job, and cleaning up after them (OP's mother is not their maid, the washing up of all these tea things shouldn't automatically fall to her).

Oh good lord! You are making out having a second child is like the most enormous hassle ever and you couldn't possibly do something for someone else, even as menial as making a cuppa!

I say this with a 2.7 yr old and a three month baby.

It's clearly not just about cups of tea. The OP has set out quite clearly all the difficulties she had after her first birth, and she would quite understandably like things to be on her own terms this time around so she doesn't end up sobbing in the bathroom again. It sounds like she wants to be stronger and more assertive around people who have walked all over her in the past, and yet some posters seem to be pretty much telling her to get over herself and get back to the tea making like a good little wife! Yes women have been having babies since the year dot but thank god we don't live in a world anymore where women are expected to get straight back into the kitchen to look after everybody immediately after giving birth.

Dontmindifido
The Op posted on AIBU so all I have done is give my opinion . After all I'm allowed to !

Women have given birth in fields then got on with their work !

When I had counselling and had lists for 'homework', things that normal people wouldn't have had a second thought about, I really wouldn't appreciate people being stroppy at me for being precious. And I didn't have a young baby at the time. So give the op a break and please read the whole thread not just the op before posting.
Op, getting it all straight in your head now is the way to go. You will make this the positive experience it should have been first time round.
Good luck and enjoy baby number two.

Thank you for all the advice ladies!
If ONLY it was about making tea..i was in a bad way after my 1st..alot more than ive wrote down..if i could of stood up to make a cup of tea after i had her, i would of, but i couldnt without feeling like i was going to fall down.
but yes. obviously this is isnt about a cuppa. its about me being assertive, standing my ground and speaking up.

Yes i have had all that 'homework' too! :)
its just basically day to day stuff that people wouldnt think twice about..but to me its a big deal. its really hard to explain.

Anyway thank you! :)

And no i dont think my mom will do everything for me, she will most likely help out if i ask as i struggled last time.
I had/have an anxitey disorder, i had go on anti depressents and ive only just finished seeing a counseller. its taken me about 4/5 years to feel 'normal' again. So yes. im petrified of it happening again.
Im better and stronger now and want to keep it that way.
Thank you for the advice :) ive taken it all on board and know a good few things to say and how to go about doing it. im going to hint that a phone call would be a good idea this time round too! Thanks again! X

Wow, there's some nasty pasties on this thread! FGS give the OP a break, she's clearly had a difficult time after the birth of her first child and is trying to avoid it happening again! It obviously goes way beyond making a cup of tea but some of you have chosen to completely ignore that.

I don't know how many threads I've read on MN where everyone has said "you should be sat on the sofa with newborn while people get their own drinks" etc so why is the OP getting a hard time?!

Congratulations OP (and good luck - be assertive about what you want, rather than letting everyone else have their way so that you can enjoy your new arrival)

I think it is unreasonable to not make drinks for your visitors but it should be your dp making the drinks not you and not the guests.

You posted that he will be tired, well he will have to have a coffee and get on with things.

Good luck mommy bird. I also struggled a lot after the first. Bad pregnancy and birth. And doing far too much myself when I could barely walk. Prob had bit of pnd. Second time was much better as I decided me and the kids come first and visitors don't flock like the first time.

To be honest I probably just wouldn't bother coming til you'd grown up a bit the baby was a bit older. Newborns all look the same anyway.

Seriously though I think it is quite rude to set rules like that. If you REALLY can't be bothered to make tea while your mum and DH are doing everything else (!) then a tray with tea, nice biccies etc is a good idea.

Although now I come to think of it I prefer to make my own tea anyway as other people usually do it wrong.
Yes, I am a mardy, fussy cow...! I know this.

I don't think just having had a baby gives you carte blanche to be rude. If your friends and family offer to help out, great. But sending a list of demands out in advance would make me not want to bother visiting tbh.

Can't quite get my head around the 'grow up, it's only a baby' brigade. Being responsible for a newborn when you're seriously debilitated is fucking hard. You feel shit enough about your shortcomings without having people sneering because you're not turning cartwheels at the door with trays of cream teas for everyone. Don't give this too much headspace. Your priorities need to be elsewhere.

jezus. Some people have clearly not read the thread properly.

The OP had serious physical and mental repercussions from having DC1 and you are concerned about visitors feeling upset they didn't get tea?With friends like you lot who needs enemies?!!? Smug so and sos!

OP - I completely understand about the need for a list. I would hope that if friends/rellies are told that of course you would love them to come round, staggered so not too many in the house at one time, and you're really tired, they would get the message not to come for long and not to expect to be waited on. I've taken food parcels to couples with newborns as I wanted to make sure they had food to eat, and certainly would make my own tea!

Good luck with the baby - and good luck with the assertiveness. x

YANBU.

I had my DH + my Mum staying with me after DD was born. Yet half the time it was still me getting up and sorting out drinks, food for visitors etc. Mum did a bit of housework and nappies. DH needed to be constantly prodded to sort things out. Not to mention we had people come the very next day after we were discharged and for every day for at least a week after that, some even wanted to come to the hospital but I was like NO WAY!) Some guested stayed for hours, some even seemed miffed that we didn't offer to cook them dinner. I really struggled with breastfeeding because visitors were constantly at the house and I felt bad/rude for going away in a separate room to try and feed her -- which sounds daft now I read that back but that is what happened.

Long winded way to say I can understand how you feel and I don't think it is too bad to say upfront, we will only be having short visits for the first few weeks while we settle in and you might have to make your own cuppa. Set expectations up front because some people, especially those without children won't understand how crap you can feel just after a new baby arrives.

If it makes you feel more comfortable then have some basic ground rules and it is certainly OK to ask people to make a cuppa if they want one.

You do need to prepare yourself for some well meaning visitors who will not be considerate perhaps because they don't have children themselves. We had friends who were coming for dinner around 7.30pm 6 days after DS2 was born (DH was cooking) who turned up over an hour later by which time I could barely keep my eyes open. They didn't have children and didn't realise that we were working around feeds and DS1's bedtime.
DH did have words with them at the time (they now have their own children and probably feel a bit silly).

After the first visit chez Scarlett you are gently pointed in the direction of the kettle, fridge and beverage cupboards. And invited to help yourself.

Sounds like Chez Linder too.

I would never dream of visiting a new parent and expecting to be waited on hand and foot. I would ask if they wanted anything doing, like shopping,dishwashing, cooking, hoovering. I also cannot understand why anyone visiting a new parent wouldnt.

YANBU, you are not being 'precious' , and you have every right to protect your much-needed energies and set boundaries.

You wouldn't have to be crystal clear with the people in your life if they had been remotely sensitive or appropriate before.

Oh and congrats!

Op I get that you are anxious about the birth and recovery of your second child, I hope everything will be fine this time around.

I found with my 2nd I made tea ect because while I was busy I didn't concentrate so much on the lack of sleep.

Good luck with the birth.

Even now if I am busy I will say to visitors put the kettle on and I be with you in a moment. ( dd is almost 4)

OP, I apologise on behalf of all the rude and quite frankly insensitive posters who said YABU, because you aren't :) Alright so millions of women have had babies and have worked their arses off for a thousand hours a week yada yada, that's lovely for them but this is YOUR baby and YOUR birth and quite frankly I should hope that your family/visitors would have more sense and decency than to be demanding beverages and snacks.
Precious? Bollocks.
(Coming from a woman who 48 hours post c-section was scrubbing the kitchen floor on hands and knees so as not to upset guests with condition of house - resulting in a nervous break down and anti anxiety medication).
Don't over do it OP, and don't stress.

Can I ask why your husband can't make the tea ? I don't think it's unreasonable if you feel rough but you may be fine. With ds1 I was just like you were however ds2 was born at 4 am and I was in b&q looking at wallpaper at 3pm at day I felt so good. Take it as it comes but make sure your hubby does the tea making. Good luck.