To ask visitors to make their own tea..

[MommyBird]

when ive come home from hospital with baby number 2?

I know my mom will come in and take over with washing/cooking/tidying whilst me and OH tend to baby..but i have a feeling a few family members will see it as we're 'entertaining' them.

With our 1st dd i was..abit weak. i'd had a long and tough birth..i couldnt hold her alot, walk, stand up for long periods of time, i was exhausted, i suffered with baby blues/panic attacks and all that kinda thing. i was over whelmed by everything. i didnt speak up alot. i had no backbone.
The day we got home (the day i gave birth) my OH took our dd to MILs house (dont ask.) i couldnt go as we had an old fashioned mini at the time..i couldnt get in (stitches! Ouch) - this didnt help. after this is got worse.

But. That was almost 4 years ago. i have a backbone, a mouth and im not weak anymore.
I want to try and set out some rules before our dd 2 is due (9 weeks)..like if you want to see baby, you come to us..at times we say..stop no longer than half an hour..if you want a drink, you know where the kitchen is..you have to work around us, not the other way around.

Last time was a blur and i let everyone walk over me and undermind me, we have our 3 year old who is already in a routine and want to stick to it.

AIBU to set these rules?
And any idea how to tell people in a nice way?

AdmiralData yaaaaay. i agree. I too had 58 hours labour and csect. few days later we had the inlaws visiting. I got up early to clean the bathroom. How stupid was that ! When FIL was sitting there asking me to make sandwiches for him, the midwife was visiting. I still wasn't dressed at 2pm and i came down the stairs and she said "wow i didn't expect you to be walking around like that, you need to take it easy and maybe avoid stairs for a while" But i had to go upstairs to chat and be examined by midwife, cos FIL was visiting at an inconvenient time, not agreed by me.

Then 2 weeks later FIL came round without calling first. He always expects to be gotton cups of tea and food. I was in my PJ's, looking a state and he was taking pics of me holding the baby to show the rest of the family.
Told him to stop but he carried on saying he was taking pics of the baby. So i really insisted that he stop as i was not dressed and not happy about me being in pics!

He also had a tummy bug and didn't think twice about giving to me and the baby!

Second time round was very different.

why does everyone insist that hubby is there to make tea for able bodied visitors ? Surely hubby is on paternity leave to help look after the baby or older siblings, not make tea for visitors. When my friend came round she bought a drink with her cos she said she knows what it's like when you have a newborn and people expect tea and she didn't want to be like that.

Agree trackies.

Paternity leave is so short, it should be about hosting guests.

Guest shouldn't be there long enough to need feeding and watering.

I thought it was polite to offer guests a drink at the least, the husband hasn't given birth so he won't be feeling as delicate as the mum. It's not going to kill him to make a cuppa I would imagine.

I think you're being given a terrible pasting OP but I suppose that's AIBU for you. Still extremely rude and unkind. I am a firm believer that visitors are there to make things better for you and that the normal social graces go out the window. You go home, cuddle your baby and establish feeding and just politely ask people to get themselves a cup of tea and to bring you one too.

Send a lovely email (or text) a few weeks before the birth to everyone saying that you found all the visitors far too exhausting last time and that they are more then welcome to make a short visit a few days after the birth. Say you will be exhausted/recovering so won't be able to host. However if they wish to make you cups of tea or help out in anyway with the house or DD2, it would be greatly appreciated.

Also, when people do arrive. Just sit there and say 'oo do help yourself to tea. Can you make me one also?'

I agree. Leave the tea and biccies out for people to people to help themselves.

A cup of tea takes about 3 minutes to make, the visitors arnt coming expecting a roast dinner it's a simple cup of tea.

I understand that op can't be stood making cups of tea if she is feeling faint but I think it is very rude for the dp not to make drinks for friends and family, they are surely people you care about and will probably be bringing gifts 3 minutes of his time to make a cuppa isn't too much to ask.

I love the idea that making a few cups of tea is going to ruin the DH's paternity leave!- how difficult do you find making a cup of tea?! It just makes people feel welcome but I do totally support OP not feeling up to it as remember how tired I was and how visitors would leave cups for me to wash which felt like a big deal at the time as you're so vulnerable after the birth

As someone who had the mil, fil, sil and 2 nieces visit when dc1 was about a week old and stay all day and expect to be waited on all day, I fully sympathise with you OP. we lived about 2 hours away, so had to be a longer visit but they took the mic. DH spent half the day making tea, snacks, lunch for them and trying to entertain the nieces, so is parents and sil, could chat. Annoyed didn't come close to how I felt. We were both exhausted. When we had DC2, I made it difficult for them to come, baby was over a week old and they came after lunch for the afternoon, which wasn't much better. I learnt by DC3. They had to wait till we drove back to my parents when the baby was about 2 weeks old to meet her. Why should DH and I wait on his parents when we have a new baby. Tbh, they are no better now, whenever they visit, they never offer to make a drink, wash up, tidy up etc, so I guess they just believe it isn't their place to help their offspring out. YANBU.

If I knew someone well enough to be invited to visit their newborn, I'd be hoping to be invited at tea time. With the intention of arriving with spuds, chilli and salad for tea, with some posh fruit juice (or similar). I actually wouldn't expect new mum to be getting off her arse for anything other than going to the loo. Yes, women have given birth in fields and gone straight back to work, but if you don't have to... Bet you've got a car you use? Cos y'know, it's easier/nicer/better to drive sometimes?

So anyway, op, YANBU. Tell guests when they arrive that you are knackered/sore/whatever, and they can help themselves to tea etc. if they don't like it, they can go, and leave you in peace! Win/win?

OP YANBU.

Warn them you don't want long visits until you are feeling more up to it, and those that do come ask to pop the kettle on. Make sure your DH knows in advance what you want to happen too.

I felt dreadful after my first, sore, very anaemic, tearful for months, unable to walk more than a few paces, and a huge bag of meds to be taken at different times etc. Second time round I was very nervous but it was totally different, much better!

So good luck OP, I really hope this time it is easier for you!

YANBU. Just let visitors know they are free to help themselves to drinks.

YANBU. I had a long and difficult birth with DS and could hardly stand up, couldn't walk across the room without help and spent the first week sitting in a chair in my pyjamas with the moses basket beside me. If people wanted tea they either had to rely on DH or make their own (and mine with it) because I wasn't moving.

Your other rules are also fine.

And I was known to stick a note on the front door telling people not to knock or ring or disturb in any way because we'd gone to bed. That went on until DS was about two

It's my best bit of advice, write the note for the door and god help anyone who ignores it. There's a TalkTalk rep somewhere who's probably still very scared of me