DP won't fly

[sheeesh]

So the situation is I've offered to pay for a holiday for DP, DCs and I. This will be the first 'Sun' holiday we've been on as a family...DCs are 4 and 8.

I brought DCs away last year with my DM and they had a great time and said that they'd love to do the same again with their dad.

Tonight DP tells me that he doesn't want to fly. He has made (what I consider to be totally impractical) suggestions about him travelling by car and boat and meeting us there; or we all travel to Spain by car.

Am I being unreasonable to think that he should man up and just get on with it? He has flown before and while he didn't enjoy it, the journey was fine. He could think about hypnotherapy or even ask the Dr for a mild sedative for the journey. Or even just suck it up and get on with it for the sake of a 3 hr flight and a potentially fantastic holiday with his DCs while they're still young. He won't consider any of the above. Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off and think he's being massively selfish?

By the way, I saw someone not long ago absolutely petrified out of her wits on the tube. She was with her partner, who was being lovely and calming etc, and I just felt so, so sorry for her. I don't know whether it was claustrophobia or a more specific terrorism thing, but it was far, far worse than my own occasional slight discomfort on the tube. There is a massive difference, as DoubleMum says, between finding something a bit unpleasant and having a real phobia.

I'm meeting dp and dd2 in Spain for our summer holiday because dd3 can't fly because of her sinuses and I hate it. So we're going by train and just leaving a day earlier. Haven't booked it yet, so fingers crossed that it's as easy as I think it's going to be. There's no way I could drive that far! Glad to see that you are accepting your dh's alternative. Dd3 and I couldn't enjoy a holiday if we knew we had to fly back, even if the flight there turned out to be ok.

it is an irrational fear - it is much riskier to drive.

of course if it is a genuine phobia, rationality has nothing to do with it. If this is the case, you take the safer and quicker option of flying, and he gets there some other way.

I think if he is genuinely phobic then yabu.

I used to be terrified of flying, developed in my late teens and got worse and worse.

I found some free online "fear of flying" courses for my recent flight and read through them in the week leading up to the flight. I printed them out and took them with me to read in the air if I got scared or before the flight home. I also told the stewards I was scared as I got on the plane and they took me to meet the captain. They were SO lovely and kind and checked on me a couple of times during the flight too (Easyjet - they were amazing).

And it has almost cured my fear of flying. I cried with relief after getting off the plane on holiday. I understood every noise, every bump, I wasn't scared because I could explain them.

BA still offers a fear of flying course which includes a short flight. It's worth a go. Print off an online course for him, it has literally changed my life.

Sianilaa I do that , maybe we read the same material? I tell DP lots of very interesting facts about spoilers and landing gear.

Yabu. Let dh go by train and meet him at your destination. As someone who has to drug themself up to the point of almost being out of it, in order to get on a plane , I can tell you there is nothing worse than the weeks/ months leading up to having to take a flight. I can't get enthusiastic about holidays because I dread flying so much.
My dh has no understanding or sympathy so i just go through this torture every year and as a woman I think a long solitary train journey can be done (I've done it) but for a man it's no big deal. Let him book the train and he can begin to look forward to the trip

If this is a genuine phobia that you have known about for several years then YABU to expect him to just "man up".

Phobias don't work like that. You could sit down with him and discuss the potential of hypno therapy to overcome the fear, however for it to work he has to want to overcome the issue. could you let him meet you there, the. He might realise what a pita the journey was and he might want to face up to his fears?

Why it is only my willpower and gripping the arms that makes it stay up

I've never been on one of the fear of flying courses, but if they explain the technical side surely they explain the basic physics of how flight works? Or is this a function of your phobia? The flight physics can't override the irrationality of your fear?

The last time we flew anywhere was 1988. I too thought that he couldn't possibly be "that bad" and presented him with the tickets to Spain. It wasn't worth it. The weeks,leading up to the flight were awful, the day of the flight he spent throwing up and in the loo and the holiday was ruined because he spent the whole time worrying about the flight home.

Since then we have done holidays by train, boat, ferries and car. All have been wonderful and stress free. When the children came along in 1998 we just took them with us and they are perfectly able to cope with any journey without it being a nightmare. You just need to make the journey part of the holiday. Lots of stop offs and things to see en route.

I would be perfectly happy for dh to get himself somewhere and meet me and the boys there, but the boys like the way we do it now so it hasn't become an issue

If you drive through France then you could stop on the way and your children could see:

• some volcanoes here
• a medieval castle being built here
• a crocodile park here

If you flew then you couldnt stop on the way and your children could see:

• this

Wouldnt that be fun!

I agree Nokidshere, over the years I have flown a lot for work but for leisure I would far rather drive. DCs have long since got used to it and know that holidays will require a day or so in the car getting there.

I see another thread coming on where I ask for more ideas about travelling without flying

Step into the Travel section, there you will find posters with lots of experience of travelling with children to any destination you care to name. All are willing, ready and able to share their vast experience of routes to take, pros and cons of different crossings and lots of advice on places to visit and stay en route.

As someone who is flight phobic - I have panic attacks on planes - YANBU.

When your phobia starts affecting your life by preventing you from doing normal everyday things - and I include flying in this - it's time to seek help. Whether that's by doing a course, or having counselling or taking medication. You can't allow a phobia to rule your life and prevent you from doing normal stuff with your family.

Your DH owes it to you all to at least try to address it, instead of trying to work around it with a ridiculous plan which will cut into holiday time.

In the years since I stopped flying, we have had lots of nice holidays - France, Italy, Switzerland etc. you don't have to go on a plane to have a nice family holiday abroad.

"When your phobia starts affecting your life by preventing you from doing normal everyday things - and I include flying in this - it's time to seek help. Whether that's by doing a course, or having counselling or taking medication. You can't allow a phobia to rule your life and prevent you from doing normal stuff with your family."

Flying isn't a normal everyday occurance though is it? There are no rule books saying that you have to holiday in a place you can only go to by plane?

I didn't fly anywhere until I was 26 - I didn't even have a holiday until I was 19. The OP's DH isn't suggesting that she or the children don't fly, just that he doesn't travel with them but makes his own arrangements. Personally I am more than happy to holiday in places that dont require a flight in order to spend the whole holiday with DH but if I wasn't, I would be happy for me to fly and for him to get there however he feels comfortable.

lol at flying being an everyday thing!

Actually it is normal for many people NoKids. Not being able to take even a short haul flight is pretty limiting. It means there are plenty of jobs you wouldn't be able to do and plenty of places you'll never be able to go to. It's a normal feature of taking a holiday too.

As someone who has confronted my own difficulties with flying, I did it because I knew it would be a huge limitation on my life if I couldn't fly. I knew that my phobia was beginning to creep out to other kinds of situations like being shut in a cinema - I had panic attacks there too, and in lecture halls - and that pretty soon it would start controlling everything I did and everywhere I went. I wouldn't have been able to study abroad, or see relatives, or do my job. I am very conscious I have to knock it on the head completely before I have children or I will wind up making them anxious too.

Having a phobia is not the problem. It's refusing to do anything about it when there is stuff you can try that would really piss me off.

OP, if you are going to agree to this then he has to be the one who loses holiday time - don't wait several days for him to get there before you fly out.

phobias are the single most treatable mental disorder you can have aren't they?

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect someone to get help with a phobia that has an impact on the rest of the family - it's not an immutable thing, it can be cured

Yes phobias are very treatable. If they are affecting something the whole family wants to do then the least you can do is try.

If OP's DH had depression everyone would be saying get down the doc's. This is no different.

FairPhyllis I agree it would be great if he addressed his phobia, but not flying really isn't a tragedy for everyone. It wouldn't change my life in the slightest to be happier with flying, I wouldn't suddenly go and take a job abroad or decide to study abroad, I don't feel I'm being held back from those things. I probably wouldn't even holiday more. I don't view personal growth in terms of literal horizons, it's totally unimportant to me how many countries I can tick off, how many new places I see etc. My goals are framed in other ways. To me that's a very specific view to take of your life and development which I don't share.

AFAIK it takes about 36 hours to get to the south of Spain by train, not "several days", and it's a beautiful journey - there's nothing ridiculous about it. Some people like travelling that way even if they don't mind flying.

It might be normal for many people to fly for their jobs but presumably people who don't fly wouldn't apply for them in the first place?

And whilst you say it's a normal feature of a holiday that also doesn't apply to everyone. I know plenty of people who don't leave this country for holidays and who are content with where they go.

I don't have a phobia of flying but I have a phobia of snakes/worms, and am generally uncomfortable around animals in general. I have never hidden my fears from my children and neither of them have any issues.

My DH has a fear of flying and saw a hypnotherapist before our holiday in Spain last year. After a few sessions, he announced that he was cured! Fantastic!

On the morning of the flight, he was a nervous wreck. I have never seen him in such a state. He told me that he couldn't go. It took all my powers of persuasion - plus a betablocker - to get him on the plane. He coped, but it was hell for him. He couldn't even speak. Afterwards, he said that the hypnotherapist had only hypnotised him into believing he was cured, rather than actually curing him.

Having seen the level of his fear, I would never, ever take it lightly if someone says they have a fear of flying. DH and I have agreed that we will drive or take the train when we next go on holiday.

I was also a bit apprehensive before our flight, though nowhere near the level of DH's phobia. I did this free course before we went and it made all the difference. I think it would only work on a truly aerophobic person in combination with other treatment, but it might be worth it for your DH to have a look. He has nothing to lose by looking.