DP won't fly

[sheeesh]

So the situation is I've offered to pay for a holiday for DP, DCs and I. This will be the first 'Sun' holiday we've been on as a family...DCs are 4 and 8.

I brought DCs away last year with my DM and they had a great time and said that they'd love to do the same again with their dad.

Tonight DP tells me that he doesn't want to fly. He has made (what I consider to be totally impractical) suggestions about him travelling by car and boat and meeting us there; or we all travel to Spain by car.

Am I being unreasonable to think that he should man up and just get on with it? He has flown before and while he didn't enjoy it, the journey was fine. He could think about hypnotherapy or even ask the Dr for a mild sedative for the journey. Or even just suck it up and get on with it for the sake of a 3 hr flight and a potentially fantastic holiday with his DCs while they're still young. He won't consider any of the above. Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off and think he's being massively selfish?

I'm going to say YANBU. I used to work for a large airline, and I've seen plenty of people with phobias get over those phobias due to the courses run for people with a fear of flying. It is amazing to see the transformation.

Whilst this is very much a first world problem, why should you have to compromise on your holidays for the next X number of years, when he won't even try to overcome his fears? If he'd tried, obviously that would be different.

Also, if you all decide to drive or take the train, your children miss out on the experience of flying meaning that it becomes a much bigger deal for them too. Is your DH assuming you'd fly with the children if he made his own way there?

I love flying and would take it every time over a long and sweaty car journey - and that's from someone who flew 8 hours with a 20 month old last week, which turned into 12 hours on board thanks to a tropical storm and a horrendous 4 hour delay on the runway... I disagree with the poster who says it is a major hassle - taxi to the airport, online check in, quick bag drop, browse around the shops and a bite to eat and then you're there.

^^
People who don't have phobias just have no idea....

I'm terrified of flying but there are times when I have to do it.

The doctor gives me enough Valium for the journey and return. It's not ideal and I'm still scared but means I can do it.

He will feel better if he takes some control of the situation.

Lazyjaney - whilst I don't have phobias myself, I don't have 'no idea' actually.

I've worked with many, many people who pretty much couldn't walk through the door onto a plane and seen the transformation after a fear of flying workshop. This may sound dismissive and not everyone can overcome their fears, admittedly. However, I don't think it's fair to the OP for her partner not to even try. There are plenty of people who have overcome this and other fears and it has to be worth a shot. Just think of how much of the world you're missing out on if you refuse to fly.

I also think attitude has a lot to do with this - good on you MrsHoward!

If you do do the drive-dvd players are a godsend!

Sorry, haven't read all the replies, so apologies if already dealt with, but wouldn't he just worry during the whole holiday about the flight back if he was "forced" to fly?

I would go with the driving idea if it really is an issue for him.

YABVU.

Whether it is irrational or not, I find the suggestion he should just "suck it up" to be incredibly unsympathetic from a partner who I would hope would be a bit more supportive. Sorry, but he's a grown man and if he dislikes something enough not to want to do it then that's his choice. If that means you only holiday in Europe where you can drive or go by train, then that's what you do or leave the guy because fancy foreign holidays are more important. Or, alternatively, you adopt the reasonable suggestion that you fly and he meets you there by another form of transport - you all get your family holiday and he can relax about the travel.

I hated even the idea of flying ever since I was 8 when my neighbour was killed in a plane crash. I didn't fly until I was 24 for a family wedding - a short hop across to Ireland. I was a complete wreck about it, had to get someone to drive me to the airport otherwise I would either have turned the car around or crashed it. I sat on the plane with my eyes closed, hands clamped to the arm rests and Walkman playing. I wanted to copy the Pope when I got there and kiss the tarmac. And I couldn't enjoy the weekend knowing I had to come back three days later and do it all again.

I flew again for the first time since then last year as a last ditch attempt and because of a desire, just once, to see a certain place that I couldn't reach by train. I'm glad I went but again, I couldn't enjoy myself fully because I couldn't relax once there.

I KNOW it is the safest form of transport. But quite frankly I hate it and I see no reason to make myself do something I hate, nor would I make a partner feel guilty if they felt as I did.

I hate flying but put on a brave face for the family, hate every second and the best bit is when the wheels safely hit the runway at the other end. I was talked in to Tenerife this year and 4 hours on a plane fills me with dread. I try to rationalise the fear which helps a bit it is safer than travelling by road

Flying isn't an irrational fear to have at all, neither is heights. Makes perfect sense and I say that as someone who doesn't have any phobias or fears other than death and meat.

I think to someone who doesn't have a phobia it seems so silly that someone could be that scared of something so simple. I know some people are scared shitless of, say, cotton wool and that seems ridiculous but to that person it is all consuming and detrimental. It isn't a case of 'manning up', it's something that needs therapy or medication and for them it would be a huge brave step to even get on a plane.

So yabu for not being understanding. It's the same, imo, as telling someone who is depressed to 'man up' or 'get over it', not that simple. Plus he has given other options and I really don't see the problem with them.

Dennis bergamot would not fly and drove himself to all overseas fixtures.?

Sp Bergkamp

YABU. I have a fear of flying and can just about cope with a short journey. I've tried everthing to get over the fear, including a one-to-one "how to get over your fear of flying" with a Virgin pilot, but the fear is still there.

Your husband has offered a solution, which gives you the added advantage of having a car with you on you your holiday.

Bergamot

Bergamot

I will not fly. I hate it and am terrified of it. I have had hypnosis and Valium. Neither worked. I find it ruins the whole holiday as I am dreading the flight back. It's a waste of money to go holiday and feel this.

I cannot man up, as to me it is a perfectly rational fear. Whilst the fear of flying courses may explain the technical side, they do not explain the following:

There will always be someone with a bomb on the plane
It will get shot down
It will break in half
It will be struck by lightening/bird
Why it is only my willpower and gripping the arms that makes it stay up

I haven't read the whole thread.

Just wanted to say that my DH developed a fear of flying about 10 years ago. We fly a lot and previously he had been fine. It became almost crippling for him. It never stopped him doing it, because despite his phobia, he knew deep down how irrational it was. He did however, get off one plane when it landed at another airport to pick up passengers and refused to get back on it. He let a flight take off from abroad and leave without him as he couldn't face boarding and has almost left planes after boarding but before take off because he started to have panic attack. The crew have been very helpful in these situations. He is usually ok up to the point of putting his seat belt on, then if there's any delay he panics.

He is a nightmare to fly with. But I know he can't help it. We have developed coping strategies. He is better flying by himself. If we all travel together he sits apart from me and the DCs. He has things to take his mind of what is happening, he reads the paper, reading the same paragraph over and over, chews gum, sips water, doesn't speak. He shakes and sweats. After takeoff he is fine.

In his case, it is lack of control of the situation and possibly claustrophobia. He is getting better. But you cannot imagine what it is like to feel like that unless you witness it.
If your DP hasn't flown for sometime it is perhaps more of a problem as he will be building it up into something big in his mind.

However, driving to Spain is a long haul. It can be done in one go/2 drivers, or broken up into sections. It's still a pain. I wouldn't want to do it with or without DCs, but if your DP feels he can manage it you will have to let him. You cannot make him board the plane if he really doesn't want to.

It depends on how bad your DH's phobia is. A lot of people aren't crazy about it but can deal with it: some people are so terrified its a living hell. It does sound, to his credit, as if he had come up with a decent compromise. If it makes him really unhappy and there's a reasonable alternative I think you should cut him some slack.

That is exactly what we did a few years ago.. No problem, I flew with DC and DH took the boat and car. We had a car on holiday and everyone was happy.

I flew last year for the first time in years, we were delayed then once we were on the plane we had to wait for half an hour for our slot.
I was so close to freaking out, my poor dh was trying to keep me calm, it was bloody awful tbh.
I am claustrophobic and as soon as the door shuts I can feel the panic rising, plus it was a four hour flight.
We are flying again this year but two hours is my maximum and I am getting something from the doctors.
I've told my dd if they emigrate I won't be able to visit
Hard to explain to someone who loves flying,dh!

There are plenty of alternatives to flying while still enjoying a sunny holiday. Actually you are coming across as quiet selfish for wanting to inflict something on him that is unnecessary to fit your plans.

DH and I have never been crazy about flying and after a horrendous flight back from the Caribbean in a storm two years ago we are going to give it a miss for a while. Every time we've flown we spend the whole trip worrying about the flight back so it becomes pointless going on holiday! DH is worse than I am but I would never force him to do something he is really upset by. If you value having a family holiday then it should be important to you that everyone enjoys it.

Next week we are driving to the Vendee in France because its slightly better weather than northern France but not as far to drive as the south. We are taking the long ferry overnight to Caen then it's four hours down to the Vendee. We've done it before but drive further last time and the drive is one of the best bits! We avoid the toll roads even though it takes longer just because the French countryside is so beautiful!

If you are going to Spain why cant you all get the ferry to Santander or Bilbao? It takes 24 hours but there's lots to do on the ferry. If he goes on his own he will pay the same anyway because you pay for the car and cabin rather than for each person.

You could also drive to the south of France in a day if you stop overnight in Calais. Having young children isn't a problem either. They love the trip if you plan well and make lots of stops. We are taking a six month old this year!

The other side of this is, would you want your DC to see their dad in the grip of phobia anyway?

I can just about get on a plane twice a year, but I'd actually hate to do it with kids. I'd feel responsible for putting on a brave face and that would end very badly. DP doesn't mind if I sit there drunk as a skunk having panic attacks and chanting safety stats at him like a mantra.

Hope you can find a solution - trains are ace!

elesbe what was the holiday if you don't mind me asking? My plans were to book a simple package holiday but not sure how to book for 3 but then have 4 staying in the accommodation. I was also thinking of doing All Inclusive so am wondering how that would work practically.

Orangeandemons - but those things are so so unlikely:

• bomb, very minute chance

• shot down - by whom?! Very, very, very unlikely unless you're over a war zone

• bird strike - actually the most worrying/likely scenario but still somewhat unlikely and usually happen just after take off, so chance to get back to the runway and evacuate safely very very high, if this is in fact needed at all. Main issue here is usually the smell of what appears to be chicken but is in fact a goose caught in the engines - and one goose does not cause a crash. You'd need a whole flock and to be very unlucky.

• lightening - interesting but the highest risk of death is if lightening strikes when the plane is on the ground being refuelled, due to a fire risk. Pilots describe being in a plane hit by lightening as being like a tin can in the sea - bumpy as hell, but you're not going to die.

DH has a phobia of flying and doesn't do it anymore. He has been on 2 fear of flying courses but they haven't helped, and even if I did get him to agree to a holiday which involved flying it would be ruined for him (and therefore us) by the total panic which would be involved for weeks before each flight.
We have compromised by going on cruises, and have discovered we really love them.
Can I just say, I don't like flying, I'm scared of it, I hate takeoff and landing and any turbulence. But it just isn't the same as DH's phobia, not in the same ballpark at all.

Orange I'm pretty sure the best book I've read about it does deal with some of the more out-there fears actually. It was the Virgin one - think it's called Flying Without Fear, big gurning Branson pic on the cover but that's the scariest bit.