DP won't fly

[sheeesh]

So the situation is I've offered to pay for a holiday for DP, DCs and I. This will be the first 'Sun' holiday we've been on as a family...DCs are 4 and 8.

I brought DCs away last year with my DM and they had a great time and said that they'd love to do the same again with their dad.

Tonight DP tells me that he doesn't want to fly. He has made (what I consider to be totally impractical) suggestions about him travelling by car and boat and meeting us there; or we all travel to Spain by car.

Am I being unreasonable to think that he should man up and just get on with it? He has flown before and while he didn't enjoy it, the journey was fine. He could think about hypnotherapy or even ask the Dr for a mild sedative for the journey. Or even just suck it up and get on with it for the sake of a 3 hr flight and a potentially fantastic holiday with his DCs while they're still young. He won't consider any of the above. Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off and think he's being massively selfish?

British airways and virgin both do phobia courses and they do work. I bloody hate flying and suck it up, but for others its an irrational fear that they cannot overcome. Your dh has suggested a solution that works so yabu.

Why are you so quickly dismissing the idea of driving to Spain?

Which gods decided that defying gravity is the only way to travel?

So for those who fear flying - is it really that bad?

It was bad enough that my DS needed to be hospitalised.

Sometimes there isn't a way through it though, not all phobias can be completely cured. My DHs phobia will never be completely gone, but the point is that he made the effort to get to the point where he can control it, rather than be controlled by it.

I have a friend that takes Valium before every flight, and she gets a lot of support from the cabin crew while she is flying. So it's still a problem, but she copes with it.

I have flown despite The Fear. There was an school exercise book balanced on the nose of the place as we were boarding. Very professional. I was already extremely drunk before even getting to the airport for the return flight. So. Doable but not ideal.

Even now, DH mocks me when we daydream about being rich and travelling the world: "What - you? B.A Barracas? I ain't goin' on no plane! I'd have to drug you."

To answer the question about driving: DP driving and meeting us there - maybe that is a good compromise.

All of us driving - I'm seeing a long and fraught journey filled with fighting kids in the back of the car asking 'Are we there yet?' every 10 mins for however many hours (or days) it takes us to drive to Spain (or the Balearics which is where we were thinking of going)

Andro that's a terrible thing for your DS. I guess it shows that fear of flying is beyond my comprehension but a real and terrible fear for some

if you are really scared of something then - you don't suck it up and get on with it, because of the fear.

I am not worried about flying but I have a fear and if you told me that I would have to suck it up and get on with it to go on our annual holiday - well it would spoil several days of the holiday as I would dread flying there - then get over that and then be thinking the whole time about the flight home

YABU - he's suggested alternatives which still involve him going to Spain, which is more than I would do in his position.

To the "suck it up" brigade - I could understand your argument if flying were an essential part of life which could not be avoided without causing unacceptable hardship to oneself or others (e.g. due to work commitments, or family who could not reasonably be reached by land or sea). However, a holiday is supposed to be enjoyable and relaxing for everybody who's going - if you genuinely suffer from fear or severe physical ailments as a result of flying, that definite pain needs to be weighed up against the potential pleasure of holidays involving air travel and those without.

I get very bad migraines on planes which leave me in a lot of pain and very confused (to the extent that people around me think I'm drunk). Also, I have recently developed a fear of flying and have a history of panic attacks which I am sure would resume if I were to fly again. I used to agree to fly for holidays despite those issues until I realised that I'm not guaranteed a seat next to my DH when we buy tickets together. Now I feel close to tears with worry at the prospect of flying because it makes me feel so vulnerable (due to my migraines and history of panic attacks), and I know that actually booking flights would cause me distress throughout the lead-up to a holiday and during the holiday itself. There's very little incentive for me to put myself through all of that, because I actually enjoy exotic holidays less than than breaks in the UK and nearby countries.

We don't think that the above would be particularly enjoyable or relaxing, so DH and I now spend our holidays in places which are accessible by car, train, or boat. The "hardship" of holidaying in the UK or surrounding countries was a luxury for my parents' generation, so I really don't think that it outweighs the very real emotional and physical hardship which longer distance travel would cause to me.

I could have therapy for my phobia, but it would cost us a lot more than years' worth of (wonderfully cheap!) UK holidays and still wouldn't address the migraine issue, or the fact that I simply don't enjoy exotic holidays.

Moreover: why is it more selfish for me to refuse to put myself through that kind of suffering for the sake of a holiday I would never choose for myself (and would probably actively dislike), than it would be for DH to insist on putting me through that when the alternative is a holiday that we both agree on (but which isn't necessarily his favourite idea)?

TBH

I think he would be better getting the train to paris - then the over night to barcelona and then a ferryso probably doable in 36 hours but 12 hours of that overnight

london barcelona by train
ferry from barcelona

at least he can take a large suitcase

why not send one of the children out with him for an adventure - and then the other on the way home - children are half price and it may be cheaper than flying

YABU.

I broke out in sweaty palms just reading this thread btw

I have a severe fear of flying. Haven't been on a plane since 1998. I would no more consider going on a plane on holiday than, I dunno, going to Pluto. I couldn't suck it up, I would be a wreck for weeks before. Irrational - yes. Welcome to the world of phobias.

If you can afford the petrol then let him drive.

It is £274 for the train London - Barcelona and then about £50 for the ferry

This would be cheaper than driving, as french roads are not cheap and you would end up paying £100 in tolls for the return journey plus fuel. It is 672 miles from Dover to Barcelona - I have travelled over land twice between these two points and it was great fun but we were not in a rush.

So 1400 miles in fuel approx £193 thats at 137p per litre and 40mpg

but your ferry price will be 4x the price for taking the car so around £200

ivykaty thank you very much for those links - really helpful. Thank you.

So approx £325 for overnight sleeper and ferry

Or £500 to drive and ferry

I am afraid of flying but have to because I don't live in my home country. I HATE it. 9 hours of terror, imagine that. I have tried hypnotherapy, Valium and booze. I get on the plane but hate it and dread the return journey.

And thank you all for your insight. I admit I don't understand phobias and it has made me unreasonable.

Ivykaty I'll pass your proposal onto DP. And I can do it with more insight and understanding than I had before.

We went to Spain by train once, it was ace but a bit more expensive than flying. Eurostar to Paris then sleeper to Irun (i think) on the border.

I wouldnt bother with the Balearics it would be a nightmare journey for him. Could you compromise on South of France? He can drive there in 24 hours, and meet you there. Keycamp do some brilliant deals and you would have your own car when you get there so you dont need to hire one.

I am flight phobic, I literally cannot get on a plane. I had a nightmare flight back from Majorca 13 years ago and havent been able to think about flying since without feeling sick and shaky. It really is that bad for some people. Sucking it up would not be an option for me, I even worked out how to get to Florida without boarding a plane once! It cost more than the holiday in total, but it could be done :o

I should add, we didnt actually go, it was to prove a point that it could be done and how much would it cost!

Have you ever flown with him? It could be that he doesn't want his children to see him scared and become frightened themselves.
I hate flying but I have done so over the years with my good friend who understands my 'needs' on a plane...mainly valium, a hand to hold constantly (literally) and a cuddle on take off. however I have never flown with my dh as he is not a confident flyer and probably as scared as I am...I would get no reassurance from himand therefore flying would become unmanageable.
I think your Dh is being sensible if he will be unable to remain positive in front of your dc.

I am also terrified of flying (hyperventilate every single time we fly and am sick to the pit of my stomach from the time the tickets are booked until the time we land).

This doesn't stop me from booking holidays though. I keep my eye on the prize. Perhaps, instead of making him feel small and belittling his fear, you talk gently to him and express your views, he may decide to "take one for the team"?

All of us driving - I'm seeing a long and fraught journey filled with fighting kids in the back of the car asking 'Are we there yet?' every 10 mins for however many hours (or days) it takes us to drive to Spain

It doesnt have to be like that. Your DCs are 8 and 4 so plenty old enough to understand the journey and to enjoy it.

I think you are also underestimating how much work flying is. Unless you live in the airport now you will have to get there, park up, take the bus to the terminal. You will then have to check in (at least 2 hours early). You will then have to sit around waiting for your flight. Your flight may be delayed. You fly to your destination airport. You then have to collect your luggage. You then have to find your transfer or pick up your hire car. Assuming hire car you will then have to familiarise yourself with a left hand drive car. You will then have to drive to your destination.

All the time you will have your DCs with you asking 'are we there yet?' every 10 mins for however many hours it takes.