To think I have a borderline eating disorder and blame my mother

[ZdravoPet]

I don't want to insult anyone with an eating disorder, but ok beginning to see that my eating habits are quite messed up

Basically I am a binge eater - can spend weeks eating almost non stop (mainly sugar) and piling on up to 5-6lbs a week. I feel I can't stop, compelled to keep shovelling in the food, even though i get well past the point of enjoying it or even being able to taste it really. I won't eat proper meals, just crap.

These binges usually begin after a period of extreme strictness. I'll eat nothing but salad and grilled veg for a few weeks, then either I'll siddenly succumb to a cookie when i have a bad day and then consider the whole thing ruined and start the bingeing part of the cycle again, or I'll decide to allow myself one 'binge' day when I'm stressed out - which before i know it turns into two days, a week, then longer

I don't know how abnormal this is to be honest, but it doesn't feel right and I'm not happy. I'm not overweight, probably size 12 and at upper end of healthy bmi range.

I know it's a complex thing, eating, but since having my son, I think I understand that a lot of it comes from my mother. He's a toddler and she is always trying to foist biscuits and sugary food on him in a semi-obsessive way. It reminded me of how she did this to me as a child, I was forever being offered sweets and junk and we never ate anything remotely healthy at home. I remember being allowed coke and a bar of chocolate for breakfast before school, for example. I was given sweets when I did well, when I was upset, as an incentive and when I was bored. Basically I ate sweets all day every day. I had teeth removed when I was very little because of this.

I realise now, as I try to teach my son healthy eating habits, that my mother didn't do the same for me. I'm not saying I'm too stupid to realise what's healthy and what isn't, now I'm an adult, but my ingrained eating mode seems to be 'high sugar, high carb' as it was as a child, and in times of stress I default to that.

Does any of this make any sense at all and what can I do?

Have a look at the Gillian McKeith cookbooks - You Are What You Eat, etc. I don't know if you saw any of her series, but she helped a lot of people with eating issues, especially the kind you describe - binging on sugar etc.
If you can adopt a better balance in your own diet then that will be a good example for your child, too.
Good luck, sounds like you're aware of bad habits, now its just a case of tackling them.

This was me up to 10 years ago. I ended up on Prozac to calm the binge eating, and it worked together with cbt. I was always given tons of sweet food as a child, discount card to local chocolate factory meant we had so much crap in the. house. Coupled with being left in my own for hours when too young so I binged to cope.
I'm now slightly addicted to buying diet books and I always want to lose the last 10 pounds but I no longer actually binge on food. My gp was really good at dealing with it and Prozac really helped.

In all honesty I think what you can do is revise your eating and definitely your shopping.

Maybe you can blame your Mother and maybe you cant.

There will have been lots of people with the same diet/eating habits as you when you were growing up...and they will have perfectly normal and healthy attitudes towards food now.

The same as there are many children who were brought up with parents smoking/drinking/taking drugs around them and they'll be completely anti all of those things.

'Blame' imo is often ( but not always ) used as a get out clause...something an individual can focus on instead of looking towards themselves. Make your Mum a scapegoat and then you won't have to deal with your own lack of self control.

You're an adult now. It's time to take control of your own life.

Looking forward is always more healthy than looking back and pointing the finger at someone.

Take control now and good luck

I would avoid Gillian Mckeith. She used to claim to be a doctor and then had to stop using the title as she isn't a doctor. A lot of things she says are untrue and misleading.

Perhaps over eaters anonymous might be useful for you OP? I don't have personal experience of them as my issue was anorexia. But I do think dealing with the emotional issues first will help you.

oh and if I had to throw all my diet books and could only keep one, I'd choose Audrey Eytons F Plan as being a good sensible and simple way of eating which isn't too extreme and can stabilize blood sugar levels without being too daddy.

Faddy!!

Wow... are you me? I eat in the same way as you do although I go from not eating at all for a week or three then binge... even though I'm not hungry, don't like what I'm eating, I just can't stop myself. I hate it. I've posted about it in the past but always name change. CBA to namechange now.

Thank you for all the comments and advice

I know i shouldn't look for a scapegoat, I do understand that my eating is my responsibility, but the way I eat by default seems to be so ingrained on me, it's just figuring out a way to develop my own, new rules and boundaries. I'm mid binge at the moment and feel horrendous

Think we might be related after your comment about your eating habits seriously...
I am morbidly obese and have really struggled with my weight all through my teens till now (26). My mum was the opposite of yours and prohibited sweets, chocolate and fizzy drinks. I have vivid memories of not being allowed chocolate at easter, when my peers would get many. It lead to me getting into my teens and binging on all of these things from my school's tuck shop. I was also constantly praised for being a 'good eater'. I always finished my plate. I was eating adult portions at the age of 7 onwards. Only real downside is when you hit teenage years and are marked out as greedy instead.

I have spent a long time looking back and finding people and reasons to blame for my eating. I go through intense depressional patches over it, although not so much anymore.

I am starting the 5:2 diet because thr fasting tends to make you really address the feelings of hunger. I am going to try on Wednesday, after a disastrous Sunday, where I got all the way through to 9pm and caved and bought a massive chinese because the thought of going to bed hungry terrified me so much. I'm really going to try though.. I have to. I can't keep living like this, it makes me so unhappy.

I also get what you say about not even enjoying the food you binge on as well. I get to a point where I'm shovelling food in so quick I barely taste it. It's about being so full you feel a bit ill... like that's a true contentment. Except it isn't. It's just unpleasant.
The evenings are the hardest for me now. I just have a routine, and getting away from that really scares me... but I can't tell most people as they think I'm just overdramatic

i have very similar eating habits to you , but my mum fed us healthily and never bought us dizzy drinks chocolate os crisps .i think the first step is that you , as an adult have to own your behaviour and stop blaming other people

My mother has bulimia, and she does as you do. Being 'good' and living on thin air, and then being 'bad' and hoovering everything made from fat and sugar in sight. She's so nasty after a binge, and so horrendously self righteous when she's on the strict regime. When she's purging she's depressed as hell (laxative abuse).

I think you need to get help from an eating disorder group. Start with your GP. You may need anti depressants, and cbt, and a referral to an ED specialist psyc assessment.

Bulimia wrecked my mothers life, she spends all her waking hours OBSESSED with it, and she was an absolute cah to live with. It was like living with an alcoholic.

We rarely speak now, as she's foul after a binge, and projects all her issues onto me, blaming me and being very angry, she's dreadfully sorry for herself when purging, and so up herself when she's on the straight and narrow.

I don't really know who she is, and I don't think she actually exists.

Don't leave it too late to turn yourself around.

You need to get out of the thinking of allowing yourself treats & that certain foods are good and bad. You might need external help you build a diet where food from all groups are represented. You can have treats but it must be a small part of your diet rather than the main. You might be more successful if you tackled your diet holistically, with excercise aswell to keep you motivated. Do seek help.

God Venus your post was eye opening, I didn't think eating disorders effected personality to that level, i.e getting nasty. must be tough.

OP I agree with Worra on this.

Sugar is incredibly addictive, and soaring and crashing blood sugar levels associated with eating habits such as yours are really damaging to the body. It is a vicious circle, as the hormonal and other side effects are going to make you feel rough, which in turn may trigger another binge.

If you can do one thing, massively cut down on refined sugar, as once you have achieved that the next steps will be much easier. Replace it with natural wholegrain carbs, plus fruit. Aim for a balanced diet, so don't try anything daft like low carbing.

A sugar addiction is every bit as hard to break as any other addiction, but it can be done. Good luck.

Have you looked at your menstrual cycle?

I can't stand chocolate, its revolting stuff. But every so often I get a craving for it. But of course it isn't the chocolate I want, its the iron found in cocoa beans - so I eat steak instead. And it coincides with menstruation.

I have to look at your described diet and the comment about 'extreme strictness' - you aren't eating a balanced diet. You have developed a relationship with food which isn't healthy, either for mind or body. No foodstuff will hurt you in moderation, but by making it forbidden or banned (whatever term you use) then you are not having a balanced died. The body needs sugars, protein, carbs and so forth in varying quantities to function properly.

You can blame your mother as much as you want, but I'm going to be hard hitting here - your binge cycle may very well be your sons thoughts about his eating habits after 20 years of watching your relationship with food.

I always find these sorts of posts difficult to gauge without ages. I'm assuming you are in your 20's, and mum maybe in her early 50's? The sugar diet (home baked cakes and biscuits) was quite common amongst my age group - because they were the offspring of war babies who were largely sugar deprived. And the giving of food is equated with a demonstration of love and social acceptance in all cultures.

I don't think OP is blaming her mum, just examining the roots of her issues, which is very important in order to address it.
OP, you have identified what you need to do, that's the first step. I'm not saying that the next step is easy but you can't begin to address it until you understand it. I think a lot of people have childhood eating issues and it's up to us to identify and deal with them.

Katy, my mum was just like yours. I have 'managed' my weight through starvation then bingeing. Have had a particularly bad period of bingeing over the last few months; unsurprisingly I am now 3 stone overweight and my chances of shifting it feel very bleak.

I wish I could be normal. I know people will say go to the doctor. They can't help, I don't have a recognised eating disorder and anyway help for those with one isn't great once you're an adult! Tried counselling and CBT - neither have worked. I also drink gallons of diet coke. I scare myself as my potential for self damage is bad. I have twins who are only 2 and I am all they have.

Thanks all, some amazing and helpful responses

I've seen nutritionists in the past, but it hasn't helped as I know I need to tackle my need for binge eating first. I don't feel ready to seek help in form of CBT etc

I think maybe cutting right down on sugar would be a good place to start, as eating it is always the start of a slippery slope for me.

I think you are over focusing on the binging being a problem, but not seeing that the 'starve' side of the cycle is just as damaging to your body - you never eat normally by the sound of it, you are either being "very good" or "very bad" - perhaps you need to stop living on salads and punishing yourself when you finish the next binge - allow yourself a decent amount of calories and limited treats in that time, you say one cookie and you crack, but you are treating being "good" as having no space for a biscuit in your diet, then you are never eating a balanced diet.

You need to accept as well that even if you are able to perminately stick to your 'good' side of your cycle, you will still be modelling bad eating habits to your DS because that is also very unnatural way of eating.

I don't know whether this will be helpful or not, but here goes...

I've also had a lifetime of disordered eating patterns. First diet at age 9. My mother went to WeightWatchers when I was about that age, and for the rest of her life kept up a pretence that she was continually on diets despite putting on several stone and eventually being morbidly obese - she never ate meals with us but wolfed chocolate and ice cream 'secretly' in the kitchen after meal times. There was an unspoken rule that we never went in the kitchen after meals, and never said anything. By my mid-teens I was buying large quantities of sweets and eating them secretly in my bedroom. Fast forward to an adulthood of alternating diets with binge eating. OK, so my mum's issues with food had a lot to do with it, but in the end it was my response which ended up being the problem for me.

I now think (hope!) that I'm onto a plan that will be long-term sustainable. I've kept to it for a year and I'm happy with it. 4-5 days per week (though it varies according to what I'm doing) are my 'light' days where I eat balanced meals aiming at around 1200-1500 calories a day. Once or twice a week I have 'minor indulgence' days where I eat my usual healthy meals but they might be supplemented by some snack food and/or alcohol taking me to about 2000-2500 calories. And occasionally - once a week, or a weekend - I have 'blow-out' days where have as many sugary snacks as I want (though finding that's less now than it used to be). If I have a whole blow-out weekend then I balance it with more light days before and after. It's probably not ideal, but somehow I can live perfectly happily with not having sugary stuff most of the time if I know I'm going to seriously indulge before too long - I don't really miss it on my light days. And I don't feel so awful about the blow-outs when I know that I can quickly get back into control and I'm not about to get locked back into the cycle.

I do agree with all the posters saying you should sort out your issues with food. I just know that, for me, that's been impossible, so I've compromised. I don't know whether it'll be impossible or not for you.

I'm the same OP and my mother is too. I have such a bad relationship with food. There was a time in my life when I didn't, pretty much ate what I wanted but wasn't really bothered about food and I was thin!

I too eat one 'bad' thing and then think fuck it and eat a pack of biscuits or loads of crisps. DD is 7 months old and I'm so fed up with it.

The worst thing is, I do it in secret, so no one knows (am currently at SAHM on Mat leave) We don't have that stuff in the house but I'll buy it for myself and hide it somewhere :(

I have no suggestions but your not on your own, it's crap isn't it?

Clarinet thank you that is really interesting how you've managed it. I am glad I don't seem to be alone with this fucked up eating, seems it's quite common. Sad, really.

ZdravoPet Pleeeese come and join the Paul Mckenna thread it addresses all your issues and gives you the werewithal to cope with hating yourself AND IT WORKS!!!! It's amazing it gives YOU the power to help yourself which is what we all need!!!