To think I have a borderline eating disorder and blame my mother

[ZdravoPet]

I don't want to insult anyone with an eating disorder, but ok beginning to see that my eating habits are quite messed up

Basically I am a binge eater - can spend weeks eating almost non stop (mainly sugar) and piling on up to 5-6lbs a week. I feel I can't stop, compelled to keep shovelling in the food, even though i get well past the point of enjoying it or even being able to taste it really. I won't eat proper meals, just crap.

These binges usually begin after a period of extreme strictness. I'll eat nothing but salad and grilled veg for a few weeks, then either I'll siddenly succumb to a cookie when i have a bad day and then consider the whole thing ruined and start the bingeing part of the cycle again, or I'll decide to allow myself one 'binge' day when I'm stressed out - which before i know it turns into two days, a week, then longer

I don't know how abnormal this is to be honest, but it doesn't feel right and I'm not happy. I'm not overweight, probably size 12 and at upper end of healthy bmi range.

I know it's a complex thing, eating, but since having my son, I think I understand that a lot of it comes from my mother. He's a toddler and she is always trying to foist biscuits and sugary food on him in a semi-obsessive way. It reminded me of how she did this to me as a child, I was forever being offered sweets and junk and we never ate anything remotely healthy at home. I remember being allowed coke and a bar of chocolate for breakfast before school, for example. I was given sweets when I did well, when I was upset, as an incentive and when I was bored. Basically I ate sweets all day every day. I had teeth removed when I was very little because of this.

I realise now, as I try to teach my son healthy eating habits, that my mother didn't do the same for me. I'm not saying I'm too stupid to realise what's healthy and what isn't, now I'm an adult, but my ingrained eating mode seems to be 'high sugar, high carb' as it was as a child, and in times of stress I default to that.

Does any of this make any sense at all and what can I do?

OP, I'm another one with eating patterns very similar to yours- binge and restrict. My mum was also a big fan of sweets and treats, though she did provide us with a balanced diet, for the most part. I have a fairly long history of other MH issues including anxiety and addiction of various types. (I'm not linking all of these to my mum's love of sweets, btw, I think there are several root causes for me, or maybe just my personality).

When I am restricting, I also exercise obsessively, which proves to be quite addictive but not always healthy. e.g. At my worst, I'll exercise in the morning on an empty stomach for an hour and a half, and then eat some lunch and then do some more rigorous exercise later in the day to 'burn off' the lunch. When in a binging cycle, it's like I've given up on myself. I tend to just think 'fuck it' and go to the other extreme. The only time I'll buy a packet of biscuits or a cake is when I know I'm going to eat the whole lot in one go. I can't and don't buy stuff like that just to have in the cupboards. Currently, I eat Daim bars every day. Sometimes 2, sometimes 4, all in one go.

In short, I find it almost impossible to eat a healthy diet with everything in moderation. I spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking about food and exercise, calculating calories.... I worry for my health, but mostly, I worry for my DCs and their future attitudes to food.

oldendays Like you, I drink gallons of Diet Coke. It's another of my addictions and something else I want to address (as an aside, I have read that drinking it can make sugar cravings worse because the sweet taste leads the body to expect sugar which is never delivered). Although you say you don't have a recognised eating disorder- what we do is sometimes called EDNOS- eating disorder not otherwise specified. In other words, it doesn't fit the exact diagnosis for anorexia or bulimia, but it is disordered eating nonetheless.

I haven't found a solution to my eating issues, but I do keep trying. I have found a few helpful websites (will look them up and link them here). Although my eating is never ideal, the closest I come to 'normal' eating is when I take the time to plan my meals in advance. I look at lots of recipes and find healthy (but not 'slimming') meals which typically contain good amounts of fibre and protein and good fats. I aim for at least two portions of fish per week, some pulses and lots of greens. I try to eat breakfast and include a bit of protein in it. Meal planning is time-consuming but it's the best way I have found to eat better, and therefore feel better (both physically and psychologically).

Good luck OP and all others here who struggle with this.

Waterlego, it's horrific isn't it? Have you ever tried giving up? I did but I felt absolutely terrible. I limited myself when I was expecting the twins but they were prem and during the time they were in the SCBU, I lived on diet Coke and Mars bars.

That's exactly what I do with packets of cakes. I've been known to eat them, feel sick, throw the remaining ones in the bin then get them out again the following day - gross, really, it's a wonder I haven't made myself really ill.

Just realised I am in a pretty bad way, all things considered. Perhaps I should go to the doctor!

I agree with trying to eat more protein. It'll fill you up for longer too. Even if it's a teaspoon of peanut butter when you feel a sugar urge. Much better for you than a bar of chocolate but still sweet. I often have that as a snack and it really keeps me going. It's more of a heaped teaspoon.

Good luck with it. Clarity sometimes is the start of turning your life around, no matter what's the reason.

Why not oldenday, you've got nothing to lose. I think talking about it here is a great first step. It's embarrassing confessing to these kinds of things but I've found it comforting to read that there are so many others like me (though of course, I wish there weren't).

No, haven't properly tried giving up the Diet Coke. Until you asked that question, I think I was happily in denial about the extent of the problem. I mean, it's been years that I've been drinking this stuff very regularly.
:( I have 'cut back' a few times but I can't remember the last time I had a day without drinking some.

Bloody hell. I have a lot of work to do!

It is terrible, I felt as if I was coming off heroin, rather than a fizzy drink. Exhaustion; not 'normal' tiredness but tiredness where you physically cannot so much as watch TV. Aches, pain (especially headaches) nausea and vomiting, yawns so huge I felt as if I was going to swallow a house, it was awful.

It DOES only last around 48 hours but you still (or I didn't) feel 'good' after that.

I've not read the whole thread but an eating disorder is essentially a mental health problem - it has nothing to do with you needing help with healthy eating, the problem is that you binge as a coping mechanism - as I see it? This sort of thing can become very hard wired from an early age.

I think you need to try to get some help in being able to identify what triggers you to binge and try to change the relationship you have with food and what you can do to cope instead of binging.

Its nOt just a mental health problem thugh - the physical addiction to sugar and caffeine is there too.

I'm a binger too, and I know it's related to several things.

I never thought I could combat it, but I'm really interested to read that Prozac and CBT could help. I'm going to ask my GP about it.

Watching this with interest as I have a similar unhealthy relationship with food, am trying to address it gradually rather than the head on fad diets of the past.

One thing that has helped me a little - a friend told me she drinks fruit squash, diluted with sparkling water, rather than actual fizzy drinks.

There's still some sugar in them, but not as much as full sugar fizzy, and you're not getting the artificial sweeteners like Diet Coke.

I've finally managed to break my Diet Coke addiction through always having fizzy water and squash (Robinson's reduced sugar for example) in the house.

I also drink less of these than the quantities of Diet Coke I drank previously - I'm drinking more water, which can only be good!

I recently read 'the chemical carousel' and it contained some discussion about sugar/carbohydrate addiction, I found it very interesting and illuminating.
Some of it is covered here:

addiction-dirkh.blogspot.co.uk/search?q=carbohydrate+addiction

Personally I don't think there's anything 'borderline' about it..you have issues with food...I know this because at times I have been the same.

I don't know what the answer is but I will share a couple of things that have helped me lately. The first is about sugar cravings..I am breastfeeding 2 DC and often crave something sweet. I also think that stress makes you want something sweet (and in my case I don't drink, smoke or have caffeine so I need a vice!) - I read something recently that often your body confuses thirst with a sweet craving so I now have a big glass of water if I fancy something sweet (with frozen lemon slices, it tastes sort of clean and fresh and is sometimes enough to stop me going for the chocolate), another reason could be lack of protein - I've found a ricecake with peanut butter often hits the spot. I think the PP could be right about iron too

the other thing that has helped me have a better attitude to food is a website called the infant and toddler forum. learning about what my DC should be eating has helped me to eat a bit better as well because I don't want them seeing me eat something I wouldn't want them to have. of course I occasionally still go mad when nobody is looking (particularly when DH goes out) but I try not to see it as a drastic failure..I think if you restrict yourself too much you're setting yourself up for a fall, not to mention getting really hungry

here oh and it's ok to say to your mum 'thank you but DS has just had dinner/I have a healthy snack in my bag/thank you I'll put that away for later" you're not failing your child or being rude if you refuse on his behalf. it's up to you to keep him healthy until he's old enough to take responsibility for it himself

YANBU. You can blame your mother, probably with good reason, but this will only get you so far. To get your revenge, you need to teach yourself and your son sensible eating habits and not let food be an enemy. Counselling required, I think. Or Paul McKenna.

Onthebottom You have inspired me, thank you! I am going to finish my current multipack of Diet Coke and then get some fizzy water in and try your tactic. It'll be a great deal cheaper too, given that I could buy supermarket brand fizzy water in bottles, whereas my Diet Coke fix has to be the brand name and has to be in cans, not bottles.

Great tips and I will be buying Paul McKenna to try too - looking forward to getting started!

It could be that you would be classed by medical professionals as having an eating disorder. It's called EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified), and over 50% of people who present with an eating disorder are diagnosed such, and yet it is not widely known about. And it can be just as dangerous as anorexia or bulimia. It is something that I have struggled with for years, and only now that I am seeing a psychotherapist are we really getting to the bottom of it, and I feel that it might finally be something that I can get over.
The Beat website is really helpful (www.b-eat.co.uk). I went to my GP, and was then referred to mental health specialists etc. etc. As somebody else correctly stated further up the thread, fixing the eating is only fixing part of the issue - generally the larger issue is psychological and, in cases of binge eating/ bulimia usually related to control issues and negative self-worth.
Good luck.

I think a good way to break the binges is to busy yourself at those times. So binge in the evening, maybe go for a walk/ swim/ relaxing bath at those times instead.

Also clear cupboards of any crap but replace with something better not nothing.
So rid of biscuits/ choc etc but full with nuts/ seeds/ loads of fruit and snacky veg. The first thing is to stop eating loads of crap rather than eating loads ( if that makes sense). Once you get over sugar fix of snacks then later you can reduce the binges themselves

Sugar is a big thing. Don't get conned into low fat anything. Low fat means low fat, extra sugar in its place. You are errrr off with the natural fats. Eat yogurts/ cheeses etc but not low at extra

Overeaters Anonymous.

Okay, not the right support group for everyone, but they will understand.

Hmm. My mother was a diet and body obsessed ballerina. She is petite and has never weighed more than 8st 4lb - eight weeks after I was born she was seven and a half stone. I spent my 20s on the edge of an eating disorder - 5'6" and just under 8 st at one point. Seems incredible now with my size 14 hulk.

I positively tried to encourage dd to eat healthily but well and was careful not to comment about weight and appearance in front of her. At 12/13 (OK - bad secondary school transfer) she started the slippery slope and dropped 12-14l! Because she wanted to be thin. We caught it quickly; had her referred to a specialist unit quickly and it was reversed quickly. She is 15 now.

I think recent research indicates a strong genetic link - esp with anorexia - perhps with other eating disorders.

You have just described non purging bulimia. I know this as I do/did exactly the same thing and this was my dx.

See your GP, explain it to them.

Please do think about reading 'Escape The Diet Trap' by Dr John Briffa.. he talks a lot of sense about our relationship with food and why we 'diet' as we do and also why the diet industry likes to keep us in the 'dieting loop'.

Yes you may have had some unhelpful early experiences and guidance and maybe your mother did also , but you can take control of it yourself with more information and insight, Dr Briffa has a very interesting blog also .

You sound like you have a binge eating disorder. I am a former (recovered) bulimic and the pattern you describe (eating super healthy and then binging on crap) was exactly what I would do. The main difference being was that I would throw up the crap, then eat again, then throw up some more. I lost a tooth at the age of 24 and my dentist insisted I see my GP as she could tell that I was bulimic purely from the state of my teeth. My GP referred me for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. It worked mostly on attacking the compulsion to eat, not looking back in the past and going through the emotional reasons for my ED. It was practical and scientific, and to be honest, bloody hard work. However, it worked. I was a size 8-10 when I was binging and purging. I remained an 8-10 after recovering. I learned to eat properly and that I can have a bag of crisps and a bar of chocolate every day without getting fat. I just have to eat and enjoy one, not a multipack of crisps and a family sized bar of chocolate followed by desperately trying to puke it all up. Subsequently, I had a very healthy pregnancy and didnt give a second thought to piling on two stone when pregnant. After I gave birth I carried on eating the way I had been 'taught' to by my councillor and the weight dropped off (although my dd's colic has to take some of the credit for that). I now eat everything in moderation and have completely broken the binging cycle. I eat everything now. I eat what I want, when I want it and I enjoy it. It is hard work to overcome, but once you get there it becomes habitual and then seems easy (and normal!!) I have linked to a book they gave me during therapy which helped me a lot. It is basically the course I undertook. Good luck, you can do it!

www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Binge-Eating-Christopher-Fairburn/dp/0898621798

That's fantastic Mamabear, well done to you.

Have just read a couple of articles about non-purging bulimia and it describes my relationship with food pretty accurately. This line was also very true of me: 'Nearly all individuals with bulimia nervosa also have an additional psychiatric disorder.[1] Common comorbidities are mood disorders, anxiety, impulse control, and substance-misuse disorders.'

Lots of bells ringing here :S What about you OP? Do you think non-purging bulimia might be what you have?

I have had CBT before but for general anxiety, and did find it quite helpful. I think I will see if I can get referred again. Those who've been through this- did you just describe your behaviours to your GP or did you say 'I think I've got this'?

I broke down in a flood of tears, admitted what I had been doing to myself for ten years, told my GP that Id lost a tooth and asked for help. She referred me on very quickly. I have to say though, CBT only works if you practise it. One of the things that I had to do was write down every thing I ate and the time I ate so that of I binged and purged we could look closely at the trigger in my session with the therapist. Gradually the therapist introduced the idea of 'distractions' so if I had the urge to binge I could distract myself until the urge to eat when away - usually after about 20 minutes. It was really hard to stick to, because I knew there was a simple, tried and tested, answer to my food craving - eat and puke. Distracting myself until the urge subsided was much more difficult. However, if you are prepared to really put the work in, CBT is so empowering. You learn to control yourself and eventually it all just becomes normal. I wont lie, there are times when I eat a little too much and I hear a little voice telling me to go throw it up. However, it is a little tiny voice. Not the screaming monster that dominated my life for 10 years. I really do recommend the book I linked to anyone who binges. Either alongside therapy or not, it does help. I often read it as a 'distraction' because it talked so much sense! Good luck x

Wow