AIBU to think this is a deal breaker?

[JustABitShocked]

I'm not going to give much detail, because I know the person in question lurks and occasionally posts on here.

OH and I are supposed to be moving in together at some point in the near future.
We both have children to previous partners, and yes.. We've discussed this in length before.

This morning, OH has blindsided me completely.
Apparently, there is now no intention of them ever being involved with my children, nor are they to stay in any home we make together.
This is not what we discussed previously.

I quote:
"I don't have a problem with you seeing them. As long as it doesn't affect my life"

OH has found it difficult to deal with me having children, even though they have one of their own.
It's now apparently expected that I have to be completely ok with living with their DC (which I am.. I've met DC quite a few times and we get on really well), but I'm asking too much for OH to be involved with mine...

I just don't know what to do.
It's really important to me that we are a family unit... Even if my children don't live with me.

I'm not expecting to suddenly go everywhere together. I know that it will take time and that it needs to be a gradual thing for everyone's sake.
I'm happy with that, it gives everyone time to get to know each other and adjust....
But... for it now to be a flat no, with no chance of it changing?

I feel like I've been stabbed in the back.
Advice please..

I'm with pictish.

OP, are there any issues with your X about how you handle your DC? Do you try to keep your parenting consistent across both households? Do you and your OH have a similar approach to parenting? I ask this because while I would have no problem getting involved with a man who has DC, I would have huge issues with letting a man move in with me if he was the archetypal 'disney dad' - particularly as that would be in stark contrast to the way in which I raised my own.

I'm with pictish too. Beware OP. If this woman is this fragile and selfish, why do you want her around your children? Her explanation is wholly inadequate, and frankly pathetic. I can't believe you're buying it.

You sound like a very loving parent. Still a dealbreaker.

OP
Before you move in together, your GF should meet your DC. You have met her DC several times, you say.

You say you have invested a lot of love and time in your GF, but she has not met your DC and seen their interaction or that of her DC and yours.
That is the most important aspect of your relationship which has not been invested in at all so far. And she has reservations about her DC being happy with yours.

Does she have contact with her father?

YANBU - it's your OH who is being unreasonable.

Oh yeah, I forgot to say, I wouldn't move in yet. Possibly not at all, but I can see there is more talking to be done.

I think you'd be mad to move in with this woman in the near future - give it at least 6 months to see how she gets on with and treats your children before you even consider living together.

Another agreeing with pictish

I personally wouldn't risk my children's happiness/wellbeing on her words. How would you feel if your exW's new partner had said something similar to your partner then had a change of heart? Would you be wholly reassured and completely happy for your children to be living with your exW and her partner?

How much time you have invested in this relationship is irrelevant for decision making purposes.

Tread very carefully OP.

Even if at the furthest stretch of the imagination, she IS wary of being around younger children (and I think that's utter mince) - why the Hell would her first response be to say she didn't want anything to do with them, and they'll never be anything other than someone else's kids?

Her stance was that her ridiculous insecurities were more important than your relationship with your children!!!

Do not be sob storied into accepting that rubbish as an explanation. It's nowhere near good enough to justify her conduct.

Don't be soft. Your kids come first...not your girlfriend's selfish wobbles.

My advice is still run, run like the wind.

So is mine.

Can you imagine if you'd gone along with her ridiculous demands as she wanted you to, without you standing up to her and having the big talk?
She would have happily frozen your kids from your lives.

This is not a good woman.

I certainly wouldn't rush. I shouldn't do anything under a year and just see how the relationship between her and your DCs pans out.

You should still run. That's a ridiculous explanation!

It sounds more like an excuse than an explanation (an "oh fuck, I've gone too far and now he'll walk so I'd better pull something out of the hat quick"). However, you know her and I don't.

It does say something about the relationship you have with her, that she couldn't say to you long long ago "I feel incredibly nervous and worried and scared about meeting your children" doesn't it?

So you bought the tears and the (totally implausible) excuse for her blatant attempt to get you to ditch your kids for her?

Utter foolishness and selfishness on your part.

That you are prepared to continue your relationship with this horrible woman and inflict her on her children knowing what her goal is (and it hasn't changed) says nothing good about you as a father.

You've been had, OP

I agree with Pictish too.

It would be a deal breaker for me and there is no way I would be moving in with someone who felt that way.

And I would be suspicious now of her excuses.

I'd be prepared to bet that there will still be excuse after excuse as to why she can't meet your children or spend time with them and why they can't come to stay.

She will just get a bit more clever and sly as to how she tells you so.

I don't think OP is interested in our advice anymore, as it is not what he wants to hear .

She never even MET your kids and you are planning to move in

Agree, LaQueen.

Agreed, LaQueen,

Your OH was giving you a warning OP, i suggest you remember it.

Agree with Lequeen and Portofino too.