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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think this is a deal breaker?

235 replies

JustABitShocked · 26/05/2013 13:32

I'm not going to give much detail, because I know the person in question lurks and occasionally posts on here.

OH and I are supposed to be moving in together at some point in the near future.
We both have children to previous partners, and yes.. We've discussed this in length before.

This morning, OH has blindsided me completely.
Apparently, there is now no intention of them ever being involved with my children, nor are they to stay in any home we make together.
This is not what we discussed previously.

I quote:
"I don't have a problem with you seeing them. As long as it doesn't affect my life"

OH has found it difficult to deal with me having children, even though they have one of their own.
It's now apparently expected that I have to be completely ok with living with their DC (which I am.. I've met DC quite a few times and we get on really well), but I'm asking too much for OH to be involved with mine...

I just don't know what to do.
It's really important to me that we are a family unit... Even if my children don't live with me.

I'm not expecting to suddenly go everywhere together. I know that it will take time and that it needs to be a gradual thing for everyone's sake.
I'm happy with that, it gives everyone time to get to know each other and adjust....
But... for it now to be a flat no, with no chance of it changing?

I feel like I've been stabbed in the back.
Advice please..

OP posts:
ThisWayForCrazy · 27/05/2013 06:42

So sorry you are going through this.

I don't feel gender or ages are relevant here.

Nor do I think stroppy selfish teenagers would make me feel different. In fact there are pretty much no scenarios I can think of, other than abuse of the OH, where I would find their reaction acceptable.

I would end this relationship. For me that's more than a deal breaker.

RubyrooUK · 27/05/2013 06:49

This isn't going to work.

I have step parents. They always knew that my brother and I were part of the package.

I am sure they didn't love me at first. Hopefully they are fond of me now and think of me as family. They always treat me that way and their houses are all "our" houses.

And I absolutely know they love my children as grandchildren and treat them as such, which makes me very happy. My stepdad rushed over from another country when DS2 was born a few weeks ago and cried when he held him. THAT is what a stepfamily is when everyone works hard at it. Why would you settle for anything less for your children?

ThisWayForCrazy · 27/05/2013 06:56

Ruby, that is what I hope my step children will feel when they grow up. Right now the two younger ones feel a bit like I'm the strict step mother lol. They get no proper discipline at home, but by God they do here! I can't be too bad though as the eldest is moving in wit us in July!

exoticfruits · 27/05/2013 07:03

I think Ruby says it all- why would you settle for less than the best for your DCs?

LeoTheLateBloomer · 27/05/2013 07:29

OP how are you? Have there been any developments?

Ledkr · 27/05/2013 07:39

First your children, next you won't be allowed to see family or friends.
What's she's said is abnormal and cruel and to me a sign of wanting to control and isolate you.
You should find dumping her deeply satisfying after this op.
Good luck.

DontMeanToBeRudeBut · 27/05/2013 08:12

That is definitely a deal-breaker. So many people put a new partner over their existing children. It's heartbreaking. Please don't be one of them. Even if she was 'panicking' you don't just come out with something like that. That is what she really thinks.

500internalerror · 27/05/2013 08:17

Just a thought - have you had any issues re your oh and your ex? Just wondering if its really the ex that is trying to be cut out of your life, but it is, of course, projected onto the kids? That doesn't explain the sudden change of heart though.

AntoinetteCosway · 27/05/2013 08:32

My step mother has always treated me as part of the family. I'm sure she hasn't always felt totally comfortable with that, not right at the beginning, but she never breathed so much as a word of anything that wasn't loving and welcoming. And now, 20 years later, I consider her a parent. If this woman wants to cut you off from your children, she is not a good person. Walk away now. Even it she claims to change her mind, how could you ever trust her again?

ZillionChocolate · 27/05/2013 08:55

Unless your children are adults who are abusive and dangerous who have hurt her children, this is a deal breaker.

Original poster
JustABitShocked · 27/05/2013 14:27

Ok... I OH come over last night to have a serious chat.

I was pretty much convinced that things couldn't go on, but I've vested a lot of time and love in this woman, and I don't give in easily.. So, the dreaded "we need to talk"... was wheeled out.

After several hours talking round the subject with teary eyes on both sides, she broke down in floods of tears.

No. She didn't mean what she said. She desperately wants to meet and spend time with my DC's... And have them over.

She's more than worried though...
Her daughter is much older and she's terrified that she's forgotten how to be around kids.
Also, she recently went on holiday and felt out of her depth around her friends (younger) children.

In essence..... She's scared to the point of bad judgement that they won't like her.

I know this pressure well, the pressure that the OH's DC must like you... I went through this myself with her DC and it wasn't easy.
....and OH has a LOT on her plate at the moment (I can't get into this, it's horrible... But personal).

So.. She cracked and handled it badly.
Ok. It's a BIG mistake to do what she did, the way she did it.
But, like all of us, she's human. We all fuck up.
She's given me a reasonable explanation and I think its what she does now that's going to be most important.

That's all there is to know.
I'm not going to make excuses for her.
I'm not going to defend her.
I wanted you all to know what had happened..
Because I'd want to know if I was you..

I've told you what happened, and how I feel about it.
Thank you to you all, you've all shown me so much support over the last 24 hours..
X

OP posts:
MrsCosmopilite · 27/05/2013 14:30

Well, I'm glad that you were able to talk through the issue and get to the root of the problem.

Although her DD is grown up, I'm sure that her confidence around younger children will return.

So, wipe the slate clean, and start over as you mean to go on.

Wishing you the best of luck! :)

Original poster
JustABitShocked · 27/05/2013 14:31

Oh.. And yes.. She apologised. Believably and sincerely.

OP posts:
GoblinGranny · 27/05/2013 14:31

Good luck, keep your priorities clear and I wish you strength and support for the path you've chosen. You've decided to try and make it work, not the easiest decision.
But I've been married to the same bloke for almost 30 years, and that hasn't always been easy either. Grin
Don't get steamrollered or manipulated about your relationship with your children and it may work out.

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/05/2013 14:39

I am so glad that you have been able to talk this through OP. I wish you all the best for the future.Smile

ItsallisnowaFeegle · 27/05/2013 15:09

Agree with MrsC - I'm sure that her confidence around younger children will return.

So, wipe the slate clean, and start over as you mean to go on.

Well done on this happy outcome OP

LeoTheLateBloomer · 27/05/2013 16:15

I'm so pleased you've managed to talk things through with her. I'd assumed that she'd already met your DCs, but it would seem from your update that she hasn't. I think it's really important for all of you that they spend plenty of time getting to know each other before any move takes place. The last thing any of you want is for her to have another panic if you move in together before she's confident in her relationship with them.

Good luck to you all :)

Thumbwitch · 27/05/2013 16:24

Well done for having an open discussion with her about it and I hope she is genuine in her reasons, and her apology.
I would definitely do what Leo suggests though, and bring your OH and your DC together to see how they get on many times before moving in together - put that on the back burner for now.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 28/05/2013 02:57

I hope that part of that discussion was a frank "I completely understand your fear, but you have to know that no matter how much I love you I will always put the overall needs of my children before you or me because I would expect nothing less from you if you felt your children's needs outweighed mine."

and yeah I would also agree that you slow things down on the moving in front so she has ::plenty:: of time to get to know your kids and spend time with them. In fact I would present it as being considerate of her fear and wanting to give her time and space to adjust.

RubyrooUK · 28/05/2013 03:36

Glad you have talked.
Take it slowly and steadily so everyone feels comfortable. Then that should help everyone adapt.
Good luck.

exoticfruits · 28/05/2013 06:34

It is good that you have talked but I would take it very slowly now and not move in until you are sure that she and the DCs have a relationship outside you.

pictish · 28/05/2013 10:39

Hmmm...I still wouldn't be rushing into getting a place together. Sounds like a load of self indulgent crap to me!

Anyone who could say that at all for any reason would be getting the cold eye of suspicion for a long time.

pictish · 28/05/2013 10:42

Especially if they used their poor conduct as a means to garner sympathy.

SacreBlue · 28/05/2013 10:52

Agree with pictish and this Her daughter is much older and she's terrified that she's forgotten how to be around kids. sounds very like bs, what is she? 90? 100? Who 'forgets' how to be around children?

Talking is good though, hope you keep talking a lot more before you decide to finally move in together because this issue is a big one.

ChocsAwayInMyGob · 28/05/2013 11:15

OP, it's good you had that talk with her, but stand your ground. She will have to adapt. Children's needs come first, as you so clearly see, having had similar experiences in your childhood.

I hope it works out, but stand firm. Good luck and best wishes.