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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let dd have a day off school because i miss her?

465 replies

LittleLisa78 · 22/05/2013 22:45

DD is in reception. DP works shifts and doesn't have a weekend off til July but does have many weekdays off. Youngest DD is 1 and very full on so elder DD has not had any real one on one time with me since she was born and has been asking repeatedly for it but it's difficult with dps shifts and extra curricular activities after school. She and I both just want a full day with each other having fun and doing things it's difficult to do when I have younger DD to look after too. AIBU to consider letting her have a day off school to do this?

OP posts:
TigerFeet · 23/05/2013 11:49

yabu

You want a day off because YOU miss HER, rather than her needing the rest.
If she was struggling with the hours, knackered, not coping etc then fair enough

But this is about you not her.

Can't your dp book an annual leave day for a weekend day instead?

I miss my kids when they're out sometimes but I won't pull a sickie for either myself or them unless one of us is actually ill, I won't pretend that I'm not pleased when I have to keep them off due to post-illness exclusion/inexplicable temperature rise and they're actually fine, but I won't deliberately do it.

morethanpotatoprints · 23/05/2013 11:50

Nellieellie.

School is optional, but granted not if you are registered.
However, it is the responsibility of a parent to provide the dc with an education as they see fit, they are also responsible for the emotional and physical well being of their dc.
Most people out source their dc education, but its not compulsory to.
So perhaps the OP can exercise her right for just one day, I'm sure she'll gain a lot whilst at home with her mummy.
However, you do need to look for a long term solution to providing for your dds emotional needs.

Theyoniwayisnorthwards · 23/05/2013 11:57

FFS it's one day home with Mummy. OP clearly cares about school, her DD has 100% attendance and OP was concerned enough to canvas other parents opinion here.

Some comments are ridiculous. You don't understand children?! How is that called for. Being rude and criticising a woman's parenting skills "you don't understand children very well" over THIS? Really?

And so what if it's more about the OP missing her eldest. I guarantee DD misses her too and it a good thing that her mother wants one on one time, misses her and cares enough to make one on one time happen.

SS are concerned if a parent habitually puts their own needs before a child's. In the context of school this would mean days off because parents can't get up to bring them in or enforce school for an older child. This is flagged by the school for habitual absence. What the OP is suggesting wouldn't even register.

LtEveDallas · 23/05/2013 12:01

OP, I don't understand what you are going to do with your younger DD if you take elder DD out on a school day that you cannot do with younger DD if you take elder DD out during the school hols?

katrinefonsmark · 23/05/2013 12:03

Do it. As above poster says, this isn't habitual. You have genuine personal reasons which mitigate the rule flouting.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 23/05/2013 12:05

But she is putting her own needs before her child IMO

And, sorry but having a day off school is not the way to make her dd feel "special". That would be to organise one to one time more than one day off school if this time is so important to the OP.

Because what happens in a few months time, when she hasn't had any "one to one" time since the last day off?

It makes no sense to me, sorry.
If you "miss" your child and do not feel as of you spend enough "special" time with them you look at your life. And see what you can do to change it.
You drop one after school club and spend time together then. You arrange time in the holidays when there's someone to look after the other child. Surely that's just what every one else does?

PearlyWhites · 23/05/2013 12:14

No yanbu at all quality time is very important it will hardly affect her gcse results.

TigerFeet · 23/05/2013 12:16

It sounds to me as if you have too many organised activities outside school. Why not cut back on those a bit and spend one on one time with your dd then? Make it a regular thing, timetable it round your dp's shifts if it helps.

Are you really so booked up on holiday that you don't have a single day that your dp can take the baby and you can take dd? There isn't one day upon which you don't have a booked and paid for activity? If that's the case then I think you need to rethink your holiday time as well.

I can see the pov of "she's only little" "it's only one day" "she's only in reception" but where do you draw the line? IMO it's easier to set the rules out from the start so that you don't have to explain why it's OK this year but not next or the one after.

I say all this as someone who has taken dd1 out of school for a week on two occasions (3 years apart), both with good reason behind them. Both absences were authorised by the school. It won't happen again as she's Y4 now and would miss a lot, and last time she reacted badly when she went back.

redskyatnight · 23/05/2013 12:27

OP - I have 2 children. I have NEVER had a day alone with either child, since the 2nd one was born. That's the norm for most families with more than 1 child.

My DC do get regular one to one time - but the other child is always about - doesn't meant it can't be "quality time".

I'm wondering if the issue isn't really your 2nd child, but more that you miss the days you spend with your older DD before she started school? I think that's a very natural reaction and lots of mums feel bereft when their PFBs move to spending the whole day with them to spending a lot of it at school/on other interests.

Doesn't mean that you should consider taking her out of school to spend such a day. Like others, I suspect if you start doing it, it will become a regular event - and that's not good for her long term education.

Floggingmolly · 23/05/2013 12:34

She knows school isn't optional. Do you?

JackieTheFart · 23/05/2013 12:35

Love how most people are fine with a seven year old being taken out of school for a weeks holiday, but there is abject horror at one day off for a five year old!

Not sure what I would do tbh.

SgtTJCalhoun · 23/05/2013 12:49

That's what I thought Jackie. There's a thread running where pretty much everyone is in agreement that a week is fine with many even suggesting that the OP calls her dc in sick and no one seems to have an issue with it.

You just got unlucky on here OP, I think there has been badgering and close to bullying posts on this thread actually.

2rebecca · 23/05/2013 12:50

If you won't leave your youngest ever with a babysitter because she'll get upset then you are making life hard for yourself. If you had to work your youngest would have to go to a childminder or nursery. Small kids sometimes get upset, it usually doesn't last long, particularly if there is no reason for them to get upset.
Is the youngest really "needy" ie has special needs/ a major health issue or just clingy and "wanty"? If the latter then maybe more time away from her so she realises other people are OK may help things. The wants of a youngest child don't always have to come before the wants of an older child.
It sounds as though you're maybe reluctant to let go of your children if you have only recently started to trust your 1 year old's father to look after her alone.

QueenCadbury · 23/05/2013 12:51

If you can really say hand on heart that this is day off is needed for her emotional well being then do it. But be honest with the school about it nd don't lie. It will probably go down as unauthorised absence although if you speak to the head beforehand and explain the importance then they may authorise it. If however this is for your emotional well being and you could sort other time out to spend time with her then yabu.

There have been lots of other good suggestions on here but you don't seem to want to consider them. I agree with others that you need to make regular time and if tht means cutting back on after school activities then do that. Dp must get some time off during the week so go out after school or breakfast before school. Like others I don't understand why you can't do it next week in half term. Also if you're planning on a day in June, can you really not wait until July when DP has a weekend off?

I have 3dc, the eldest 2 are at school so they don't get any 1:1 time with me but that's life. They have to learn to share me.

I think if you don't get something regular sorted then dd may well expect the day off school whenever she wants mummy time and won't necessarily understand why she can't have it.

JackieTheFart · 23/05/2013 13:00

Sgt glad I wasn't the only one who read that thread as well!

TantrumsAndBalloons · 23/05/2013 13:07

jackie for me,taking a 7 year old on a family holiday during term time is very likely to be a one off.
In the OPs case, unless she makes changes in her life and takes on board some alternative suggestions, she is always going to miss her daughter and want one to one time with her, because apparently there's no time to do this ever, apart from school time.

So surely her dd will love spending these days off with mum, mum will think it's the only chance she ever has to do it and both will want it to continue.

IMO there's a difference between a family holiday, in term time, once and wanting a day off to spend time at home, doing stuff you can do during holidays.

ThoughtsPlease · 23/05/2013 13:14

I may have missed this, I admit that I haven't read all the pages, but OP what are you proposing to say to the school about why she is absent?

And what would you say to DD about why she was having a day off school?

TigerFeet · 23/05/2013 13:31

JackieTheFart, neither of dd1's absences were "just a family holiday", they were somewhat more than that. They were discussed with the school and authorised. Had we been refused the authorisation I wouldn't have taken her out.

DD's reaction to the second absence means that I won't be doing it again. She was worried about what she'd missed, whether she'd understand what they were doing if she'd missed something important, nervous about starting school again - she's a nervous child anyway and the beginning of every term is difficult for her (she does settle down very quickly but there are usually tears on the way to school on the first day back).

There's a world of difference between a break from school for good reason and a day off on a whim. The OP wants to spend time with her daughter - of course I can understand that - but she needs to find the time outside of school hours, imo. If the OP had said that her daughter wasn't coping and needed time at home to rest, I think the responses would have been very different.

trianglesaregood · 23/05/2013 13:32

YANBU. She is five years old, one day from school won't make a difference. You do need to think about how you deal with it longer term as taking a day off every now and then isn't viable in the long term.

SgtTJCalhoun · 23/05/2013 13:32

I honestly don't think we should be answering the OP based on what we think she might do in the future.

sunnybobs · 23/05/2013 13:37

Sounds an excellent idea to me. My mum kept me off most Fridays in reception I was so exhausted and I'm a very responsible, well educated, rarely ever off teacher these days! its hardly going to harm her education or set a long term precedent. She's tiny, needs you & a fun mummy day will be an amazing memory to have forever.

MummytoKatie · 23/05/2013 14:10

I'm amazed at all these 5 year olds who don't know what day is what and what they do on each day.

Dd has just turned 3 and greeted me this morning with "It's Thursday today - Stretch, Stretch and Grow!!!"

Dd knows exactly what days she goes to nursery, what days she has with me (and what we do on those days "but mummy it's Wednesday, why aren't we going to Toddler Time?") and which days are the weekend.

How did you manage to keep them so beautifully in the dark?

(Imagining a Sunday morning when I'm not greeted by a child waving a peppa pig swimming costume and saying "Shall we go swimming then to the pub for Sunday lunch". It sounds very peaceful.)

Floggingmolly · 23/05/2013 14:15

A fun mummy day will be an amazing memory to have forever. Hmm
I seriously doubt it, if that were true the rest of the child's life must be exceptionally shit.

arcticwaffle · 23/05/2013 14:19

Actually my 13yo and 9yo often don't know which day it is.

I have some very vague children.

fishandmonkey · 23/05/2013 14:22

flogging - not necessarily - some one-off special days from early childhood do stick in peoples minds and can be memories that are cherished forever, even in normal happy lives.