I had PND, and psychotic episodes last year after my first baby was born.
The first 6 weeks were ok, I was tired, but coping fine. Me and OH were enjoying this baby boy. Thing was...this wan't my baby. I had no idea where this baby had come from, and I was constantly waiting for his real mum to come and collect him. I would whisper in his ear when he cried 'don't worry, mummy will be here soon'. I suffered flashbacks about the labour and the journey home (memory of the actual birth/crowning stage is only just returning) - but I couldn't equate those flashbacks to them actually happening to me.
By about week 10, I realised that something was wrong. People kept referring to him as 'your baby' and saying 'are you enjoying motherhood?'. I wanted to scream at them that this wasn't my baby. When I looked at OH holding the baby, I wondered where his mum could be? I had not revealed anything to OH (he is a big worrier, I didn't want him to think something was wrong).
I rang the HV and broke down in tears. I knew something was wrong, but I could not put my finger on it. I went to see a psychiatrist for two weeks, and had CPNs visit at home weekly. I began a course of Sertraline (anti-depressent) and Quitiopine (anti-psychotic). I stopped the anti-psychotic after 1 week. It made me so tired I slept for 14 hours straight, and was having the same effect on the baby (BF). Yes...I was breast-feeding because I thought his real mum would be angry at me if I didn't breastfeed! I also had D-MER, so during the first couple of months, would feel sick and emotionally empty when BF.
A relative had a stroke and died (took 2 months, it was awful watching them die), when the baby was around 5-7 months. I spent so much time travelling back and forth I plain forgot to take my tablets. I realised that I had coped without them for 1 week and not noticed, so I didn't take any more.
Now...my baby (yes, MY tiny gorgeous funny baby!) is a year old, and looks just like the perfect mix of me and his dad. I would not have got through this without my OH. He was solid, never pushed me to talk, was just 'there'.
So, I had PND, Post-Natal Psychosis, PTSD and D-MER to contend with, and I did it. Plus, LO had lip-tie (totally undiagnosed, split it himself when he fell over aged 8 months) which resulted in BF being really bloody difficult. Still, I managed to mix feed for 3 months, EBF for another 3, and then mix-fed until 8 months. I am so proud of myself, it's unreal. Looking back at that woman last year - the woman who would've given her baby away without a second thought, who looked at every woman she came into contact with to check whether she might be his 'real' mum, the woman who screamed in her baby's face that she didn't know where his mummy was - has fully recovered.
(I can't wait for the next one!)