to ask for positive pnd outcome stories?

[CailinDana]

Have finally admitted i have pnd. I've had depression before so i know i have a slow road to recovery ahead. I would so appreciate anyone else's stories of how they overcame pnd. I need some reassurance at the moment.

Well my story is pretty long but essentially started with pnd soon after ds3's birth, triggered I think because I knew something was wrong. Very unsupportive GP, ignorant HV. Became psychotic and was sectioned after huge doses of medication everything from anti d's, anti psychotics, lithium, tranquilisers and later ECT had no effext.
Left hospital after a month, ds was a year old. Slowly recovered, ds diagnosed with severe autism (I'd got the answer I needed) and weaned myself off of all medication with support of psychiatrist.
Had a daughter when ds was 8, agreed to be overseen by psych, no problems, no medication and he discharged me when dd was 1.
Ds now 18, dd is 10 and have been well and with no medication for more than 15 years now not bad really because ds is pretty draining and dd also has autism.
Sending you hugs, hang in there, it can and will get better.

Hi,
I had pnd with my first baby. Didnt tell anyone until he was about 2 1/2.
Got ads and wish more than anything in this world that i had gone sooner and got them. They saved me.
Was only on them for about 12 months.

This time (ds2 is 4 months) i am fine, but know i will recognise the symtoms and will get to the Drs asap.

All is well now

It does get better - honestly. My situation was a bit different as we adopted DD. I felt like PAD was is a totally taboo subject, as didn't think people would understand how I could feel like I did, when I had gone through so much to get her. Plus there were no hormonal changes etc to blame.

So I didn't ask for help. No one knows how bad it was, not even DH really. I was in a black hole and just wanted to run away. I wanted my old life back - I felt angry then desolate.

So as a previous poster has put it, I faked it. I put on a brave face, went out almost every day to one group or other (and cried when I got home). Then slowly things got better - the first time she threw her arms round my neck was a moment i will never forget.

And after some months, with setbacks along the way, I climbed out of that darkness, my bond could not be stronger with DD. I love her beyond words. And that time almost feels like a dream. Thankfully she is so young, she hopefully will not remember.

If I were in that situation again, I would ask for help, without a doubt. Good luck Cailin

Thank you happiest.

I'm so upset as I had a huge long post typed out, hit the wrong button and lost it. Bloody, bloody computer!! There are some lovely, moving posts on here.

Briefly, I suffered with very severe PND after the birth of my DS mearly 9 years ago and was hospitalised like weegiemum I can very accurately describe it as being like hell on earth, or what I imagine hell to be like. I couldn't bear to touch or be anywhere near my son, I couldn't sleep, couldn't relax, hated, hated, hated being mother and felt like I'd made the worst mistake of my like. I felt as though my son would be better off in care with someone who could love him properly (which I think shows my state of mind).

Thankfully I had wonderful support from two incredible health visitors, who diagnosed my PND and helped save my life. Just as well as my XP was an EA bully :(.

However, I recovered and now life is wonderful. I'm a single parent to the most wonderful, loving, happy, bright little boy and life is great. I never could have imagined being so content and fulfilled (a bit more money wouldn't go amiss but hey) . Despite his less than ideal start to life I don't regret having him for a minute.

Oh dear, epic punctuation and spelling fail!

What helped me was ADs (I took them for 18 months), counselling (my first session I just sobbed, literally sobbed, for an hour and said over and over @I can't cope, I just can't cope'), and some wonderful, amazing support from committed health professionals.

If anyone offers help, take it with both hands. Be kind to yourself. Know that you will get through it and 'this too shall pass'.

Thank you flippin. I haven't been offered any support beyond medication which really surprised me.

I'm very sorry to hear that. Are you in the Uk? Do you have friends and family who can help? Just having someone to take on a bit of practical stuff can help.

If you can afford it, I would recommend counselling as I think that was crucial for me, just having a space to myself.

I have great friends but no family. I'll look into counselling although dd won't take a bottle so will have to crack that first.

Great friends count for a lot. Keep talking here too, in fact whatever helps, do it :).

I think for me it took a week or so for the ADs to kick in, but of course everyone is different.

I haven't read all of this OP but I had pnd after dS1. Partly due to realising how bad my relationship with my own mother was; partly due to breast feeding problems; partly due to poor post natal care in the community linked to failure to grieve and lack of support when I miscarried the first baby at 17 weeks.

DS2 died shhortly after being born at 27 weeks and I have blanks about the following 51 weeks and don't think DS got much parenting in that year. However medically I was regarded as high risk and was very well looked after by the elderly obstetrician fromm heaven.

DD was born 51 weeks after DS2 died and happily all was well and there was no recurrence.

Good luck OP - look after yourself and make sure everyone else does too.

Oh and DS has nno memory of any of it - none at all - except that he felt jealous of his sister ( at three yrs five months - but it neVer showed and we didn't know until the DC wrote a story about jealousy in Y2 and we read it at parents' evening).

Sure all will be well. Good luck xxxxx.

Hi,
It took me 3 months to admit I had pnd, I plodded on feeling ashamed of how I felt and hoping it would go away but it didn't. I went to baby groups and to exercise groups in the park, so I was getting out & getting fresh air, but I'd cry at home and think she deserved a better mum and would be better off without me.

Warped logic made me think that as I didn't know where the perfect mum for her was, (she might be in a little village in India or already have lots of children) I'd better stick around.

I was on ADs for 5 months (dd was 8 months when i began taking them) and felt so much better - nicely fuzzy but still ashamed of being on them. I didn't tell DH until I'd been on them a month, he hadn't realised anything was amiss.

Nearly 2 years on, I don't feel like that anymore and haven't for a while. It doesn't feel like it at the time but "this too shall pass".

Admitting it and getting help was the tough for me, so well done (intended in unpatronizing way!).

All the best to you.

So sorry to hear you're not too good.

I had it with my DS who is now three - but it came back with a frigging vengeance after I had DD (15 months). This is my account - it's not nice and I'm so sorry if I offend

I remember calling my DH screaming that I was going to kill her. I had the pillow ready to smother her because she would NOT shut up crying. She'd cry all day...all night and in between. I would imagine my life without her and smile at the very thought. She was a massive mistake - the pregnancy was rough, the birth was agonising, and then there she was totally ruining our unit of three.

It just got worse and worse until I lost it well and truly. DH came home to find me in a heap on the kitchen floor with DS screaming in her car seat with her coat still on (I had tried to go out but never made it through the door)

He tended first to her and called the HV in the process. She came over in a heartbeat and took me to the child safeguarding team at the hospital where I was interviewed, assessed and kept overnight on the mental illness ward. I was prescribed all manner of drugs, counselling and CBT.

After that, I went home dazed confused and not entirely sure what the hell to do. Both sets of grandparents live abroad and no friends knew what was going on, so my DH had time off to help me - which was rubbish because he's self-employed so he didn't get paid.

Things got easier, but not for a long while. Everyday for two hours I had the safeguarding team round with a doctor to asses how I was coping with my daughter. I never felt so useless and worthless. This carried on until December last year when they were finally happy to sign me off.

Since then, I'm still taking medicine but I feel so much better. I have never loved my beautiful daughter so much in my life, and my love for her is getting stronger everyday. The thing is she wasn't a mistake - she was very much planned. I couldn't see past that and I can't think about it because mu thoughts back then towards her were just wrong, nasty and despicable. DH and I don't really talk about what happened - and I guess we should. The only thing he has ever said to me was that he had never, ever seen me looking so empty which broke my heart. I put him through so much too and I forget that a lot.

There is light at the end of the tunnel - it's long and bumpy but with the right support, medication or counselling or whatever treatment you decide is best you will beat this crappy illness. I would swear but I've forgotten how to do it on here!

xx

I really appreciate you all sharing your experiences. It's tough to see the light at times. Dd slept through last night and i still feel like utter crap.

I had horrific depression with my daughter in 2010 culminating in a huge breakdown and not bring able to cope, being scared of taking to people leaving the house etc, I was an anxious wreck, my Hv noticed and my Gp put me on citalopram , It really helped me, I came off it end of last year due to pregnancy again and I'm not on it anymore despite having my newest daughter 8 weeks ago , its early days but doing really well and no signs of it so far.

I also had CPN all through my pregnancy but I think they may be discharging me next visit :-)

noobynoob I think your honesty is amazing.

I wrote it last night Unicorns and then burst into tears haha! I've never written it down before then read it back - quite bizarre and it felt like it wasn't my post!

nooby Its really brave to be so honest and there may be somebody reading your post who has had a lot of comfort knowing they are not alone. Im really pleased you received some support and have got through it.

I feel totally clueless with dd, i'm constantly anxious about her wanting something. I feel like i'm constantly being tested on something i know nothing about. It's exhausting.

I had antenatal and postnatal depression with both pregnancies, and I had previously been diagnosed with depression.

My HV and family noticed something wasn't right after the birth of DS1, and it all spilled out out terrible I felt during the pg and how I felt numb now and like it would be better if I just left and never came back as I was no good for DS and my family. After a visit from the GP, I came away with Sertraline and attended counselling sessions. After a couple of months, I felt much better, so decided to come off the ADs. This was not a good idea, however, and I ended up right back where I had started with withdrawal symptoms as well. My family didn't know I wasn't taking them anymore but when I started withdrawing from everything, they twigged and I started back on them again. After a year or so, I weaned myself off and was ok.

For DS2, I spent every day during pg crying, and I just wasn't myself, but managed to get through it with support from friends and family, as well as the GP and MWs. After the pg I use felt myself falling off again, despite having a great experience postnatally than I did with DS1. Once again, I was on Sertraline for around 10 months and then I began weaning myself off again.

I am going through a really low period now, and am just trying to get any feelings back, as I'm quite numb to everything. I am trying not to be too harsh with myself, as I expect too much when I know that I'm not well and that's what I think you should keep in mind cailin. Your DD won't be affected by any of this - my two are completely fine.

Be kind to yourself and try not to beat yourself up for how you're feeling - you've made the right move towards getting better and now you st have to take each day as it comes.

Hi Cailin
I had PND twice (dd is 4.5 and ds is 19 months). 1st time round a friend pointed it out to me and I had 6 sessions of counselling on the NHS and then about a year of private counselling (but no ADs). I went back to work at 8 months and that really helped, as did running (w DD in a running buggy) and a weekly trip to our council gym which had a crèche. I also has an amazing GP who I used to to and see weekly and cry.

2nd time round I assumed I'd be ok (even though I'd had quite a lot if traumatic events that year and was v anxious throughout my pregnancy). When DS was 14 weeks old I found myself in floods of tears at the hairdresser so took myself off to GP. After about 2 months more of self care and counselling I decided I wanted ADs- I was tired if having to try SO hard to get better. I was on sertraline (so I cd still bf ds, the one thing I thought I was doing right). I was on 50mg for about 6 months and it really did help, akin w the counselling. I'd push for some counselling- in my area PND sufferers get bumped up the queue, so you only wait a max of 4 weeks.

Unfortunately, as I was shaking the PND, I had an ectopic preg, which was v difficult and a bit scary as emotional fall out is v similar to depression. So I think that set me back about 3 months in getting back to feeling like myself. But I do. And though they frequently drive me mad, I love both DCs (despite having thought both of them a mistake at some point, and that I was a failure). And I enjoy their company. And I'm even thinking of having anor one day.

Cailin- I remember you from anor thread (either stately homes or anor- about your weekend away w your nice sister and your mum and nasty sister trying to gatecrash, IIRC). I have kind of a similar family of origin and I think my relationship w my sisters and my DM played a big part in my PND- I didn't want to e like DM (who is pretty crap and self absorbed) and was terrified of my children turning out like my sisters (so felt I had to do it perfectly). Be kind to yourself. As someone said up thread, take every bit of help offered. Talk to your Dh (even if like mine, he doesn't know what to say or do). And remember, it will get better and you will enjoy your DD. feel free to pm me.

Cheers Unicorns :)